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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask is this inappropriate parenting of a 12 year old?

155 replies

Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 14:06

My mum had worked hard to get a uni degree and strived (or strove!!) at work so by the time I was born had a 'top professional' job iyswim.

As I say she had a professional job, had published academic papers etc. - she was sometimes interviewed regarding her job on local radio and TV. She returned to work shortly after I was born so I never remember her being a stay at home mum at all.
Anyway, when I was 12 - I came home from school one day - for context - it was July so school was about to break up anyway - and my mum was already drunk - and all that evening she spent time listening again and again to a recording of this radio programme she was on. She didn't make eye contact with me at all - but all evening said things like this about herself - "who would have thought that I, a girl in pigtails, from a remote village, would one day be interviewed on the radio" etc etc. She said this while clearly being drunk and talking 'at' me, as if not addressing me properly. I doubt whether she even made me tea that night.
Anyway, that evening - July so light until late - I ended up wandering the streets - my mum wasn't engaging with me, I also had a borderline eating disorder so used to binge on confectionery and other calorific food - I was fat for a 12 year old.
Just for context - I was an only child - so no other children around for a second opinion - and my dad would have been away with work at the time. My dad was of same job level as my mum - uni educated and subsequent high achiever at work - both would have the kind of jobs where they'd go abroad for conferences etc - you get the picture.

Although I spent a lot of the evening 'walking the streets' in a manner of speaking! - it was an affluent, safe area so I wasn't in any danger - just stuffing my face with sweets as a result of low self esteem - but the point is - I think my mums behaviour that evening was very neglectful. 12 year olds need loads of emotional support imo as it's an age of great transition - you're moving away - even if just emotionally/psychologically - a lot of the time from your 'childhood' influences and beginning preparations both physically and emotionally for adulthood. Imo 12yos need their parents very much - but all I had that evening was a drunk mother talking at me - didn't appear to give a shit about me!

So

YANBU - your mother shouldn't have behaved like that - it's selfish/neglectful/abusive

YABU - your mum was just celebrating her 'success' as she was perfectly entitled to do

OP posts:
CatMattress · 19/02/2023 14:13

One evening? Seriously? One evening? Catch onto yourself

MojoMoon · 19/02/2023 14:13

This was one evening?

How old are you now and why do you think you are dwelling so much on one evening some years ago?

DaveyJonesLocker · 19/02/2023 14:14

It's a strange one. It's clearly massively affected you. To still remember that one night. I get the impression it wasn't a one off and you feel neglected by your career driven, nonparental parents. Particularly emotionally neglected. It might be worth writing down how you felt, go through all the memories you have like this and put all down on paper how you felt just to get it all out and come to terms with it.

They maybe weren't the best parents but I also don't think they sound abusive, I think alot of us feel that our parents could have done things better.

Reindear · 19/02/2023 14:14

if it was one evening and nothing else then no, not neglect

WeAreAllLionesses · 19/02/2023 14:15

I think your mother obviously worked very hard to enrich your life as well as her own.

It would be a shame if that evening defined your childhood for you. Parents make mistakes too.

LizziesTwin · 19/02/2023 14:15

Neither parent made you dinner once when you were 12. Hmm, get over it.

MyOldFriendTime · 19/02/2023 14:16

What was she like the rest of the time though? I don't think you can judge her for one evening even though it does seem extremely selfish.

Thesearmsofmine · 19/02/2023 14:16

Your mum got drunk one evening? I mean it doesn’t sound a nice fun evening for you but
at 12 you could have easily fixed yourself something to eat and gone to your room. You were old enough to know walking the streets wasn’t a great idea.

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/02/2023 14:16

If this was literally a one-off I'd just put it down to a parenting off day. If, as I suspect, this was a pattern of behaviour and this was a particularly bad example, then it's not great behaviour.

Your description of yourself wandering around looking for sweets tends to suggest that it wasn't a one-off and that you felt neglected by your mother in other ways. Is that the case?

Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 14:16

DaveyJonesLocker · 19/02/2023 14:14

It's a strange one. It's clearly massively affected you. To still remember that one night. I get the impression it wasn't a one off and you feel neglected by your career driven, nonparental parents. Particularly emotionally neglected. It might be worth writing down how you felt, go through all the memories you have like this and put all down on paper how you felt just to get it all out and come to terms with it.

They maybe weren't the best parents but I also don't think they sound abusive, I think alot of us feel that our parents could have done things better.

It certainly wasn't a one off. My main worry in primary school was hope mum's not drunk tonight

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 19/02/2023 14:17

You have not enabled voting, OP. Maybe just as well.

MyOldFriendTime · 19/02/2023 14:18

It certainly wasn't a one off. My main worry in primary school was hope mum's not drunk tonight

Then that's a different kettle of fish.

liveforsummer · 19/02/2023 14:18

Well it's not ideal but sounds like something happened to trigger this and she wasn't in a great frame of mind rather than a deliberate attempt to harm you. One night does not equal neglect.

Merryoldgoat · 19/02/2023 14:18

Well your second post makes a difference, doesn’t it?

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/02/2023 14:19

So the real issue was that your mum had a drink problem?

Why focus on this one evening?

It's bad parenting for sure. Your mother's primary relationship was with alcohol and she appears to have borderline neglected you for much of your childhood. That's a horrible thing to have grown up with and a heavy burden for you. Have you ever got any help with this? It sounds like you have a bit of work to do on yourself. I still don't understand why you're singling out this one evening though when it was clearly a pattern of behavior.

FinallyHere · 19/02/2023 14:19

- I think my mums behaviour that evening was very neglectful.

One of the markers of becoming an adult is when you recognise that your parents were not perfect, nor were they brilliant. They were probably doing the best they could in the circumstance.

As you will do, if you are ever a parent.

The interesting thing for me about your post is the information that your parents had similar, professional type careers, your mother was the one whose career was most impacted by becoming a parent and yes, the parent who did the heavy lifting of parenting is the one getting it in the neck for not being a perfect parent.

Why do you think that is?

Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 14:20

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/02/2023 14:16

If this was literally a one-off I'd just put it down to a parenting off day. If, as I suspect, this was a pattern of behaviour and this was a particularly bad example, then it's not great behaviour.

Your description of yourself wandering around looking for sweets tends to suggest that it wasn't a one-off and that you felt neglected by your mother in other ways. Is that the case?

Yes - worse examples of her behaviour are being hammered when I had friends round. On one occasion I was 15 and my friend was in my beds room with me then we could hear series of thuds meaning she was falling down the stairs - when she got to the bottom she screeched at my dad who was watching TV - out of embarrassment I think - blaming him for not coming to her rescue quicker !

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 19/02/2023 14:20

Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 14:16

It certainly wasn't a one off. My main worry in primary school was hope mum's not drunk tonight

Show quote history

Well that obviously changes things and should probably have been the first thing you mentioned.

Your mother being an alcoholic? I'm sure that made for a shit childhood. What is it about this particular incident that stands out to you as inappropriate parenting? Assuming parenting was generally crap.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/02/2023 14:20

It actually sounds like it was a wake up moment, you already had emotional issues, the borderline eating disorder shows that. It sounds like there was a lot of neglect leading up to this moment

WeAreAllLionesses · 19/02/2023 14:21

What a massive drip feed. Your first post said she drank to congratulate herself. Now she's a drunk?

Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 14:21

Merryoldgoat · 19/02/2023 14:18

Well your second post makes a difference, doesn’t it?

Yes I realise that. I initially wanted this evening to be judged independently but as people have mentioned the wider context - I'll give it

OP posts:
creekingmillenial · 19/02/2023 14:22

It sounds like it’s really had an impact on you and this memory is significant for you.
I don’t think it’s ideal but I also don’t think a parent is overall ‘neglectful’ from one episode of less than ideal parenting.
HOWEVER since this is about how YOU feel not about SS or a criminal investigation it’s totally irrelevant what I think. This is about the impact it has on you and your relationship with your mum.

Id suggest you bring it up and try to keep it personal- e.g Mum do you remember this time? What I remember is xxxxxxxxxxx and I felt like xxxxxxx

PeekAtYou · 19/02/2023 14:22

It's unclear if you're referring to the drink or not cooking dinner.

I think that a lot of kids have seen their parents drunk but it sounds like your mum was the type of drunk who was neglectful if she'd not cooked dinner for you that day

3luckystars · 19/02/2023 14:23

I was out and about unsupervised a lot at age 12 and much younger than that too. Every body else was too back then.

if that’s all she did wrong then she did well.

gogohmm · 19/02/2023 14:23

She certainly won't be winning parent of the year but nor is is overly neglectful at 12. The subsequent comment about drunkenness when you were at primary is more negligent but it is a matter of levels of drunkenness, she's sounds like she had alcohol issues and alas that isn't rare.