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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask is this inappropriate parenting of a 12 year old?

155 replies

Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 14:06

My mum had worked hard to get a uni degree and strived (or strove!!) at work so by the time I was born had a 'top professional' job iyswim.

As I say she had a professional job, had published academic papers etc. - she was sometimes interviewed regarding her job on local radio and TV. She returned to work shortly after I was born so I never remember her being a stay at home mum at all.
Anyway, when I was 12 - I came home from school one day - for context - it was July so school was about to break up anyway - and my mum was already drunk - and all that evening she spent time listening again and again to a recording of this radio programme she was on. She didn't make eye contact with me at all - but all evening said things like this about herself - "who would have thought that I, a girl in pigtails, from a remote village, would one day be interviewed on the radio" etc etc. She said this while clearly being drunk and talking 'at' me, as if not addressing me properly. I doubt whether she even made me tea that night.
Anyway, that evening - July so light until late - I ended up wandering the streets - my mum wasn't engaging with me, I also had a borderline eating disorder so used to binge on confectionery and other calorific food - I was fat for a 12 year old.
Just for context - I was an only child - so no other children around for a second opinion - and my dad would have been away with work at the time. My dad was of same job level as my mum - uni educated and subsequent high achiever at work - both would have the kind of jobs where they'd go abroad for conferences etc - you get the picture.

Although I spent a lot of the evening 'walking the streets' in a manner of speaking! - it was an affluent, safe area so I wasn't in any danger - just stuffing my face with sweets as a result of low self esteem - but the point is - I think my mums behaviour that evening was very neglectful. 12 year olds need loads of emotional support imo as it's an age of great transition - you're moving away - even if just emotionally/psychologically - a lot of the time from your 'childhood' influences and beginning preparations both physically and emotionally for adulthood. Imo 12yos need their parents very much - but all I had that evening was a drunk mother talking at me - didn't appear to give a shit about me!

So

YANBU - your mother shouldn't have behaved like that - it's selfish/neglectful/abusive

YABU - your mum was just celebrating her 'success' as she was perfectly entitled to do

OP posts:
LookingOldTheseDays · 19/02/2023 15:56

Your mum clearly had an alcohol problem. But why have you picked that one example to ask about? And your YABU/YANBU options are far too binary to give a sensible answer to.

And your dad has a role in this too - be left you in the care of an alcoholic, but somehow gets away with no blame?

Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 15:56

nokidshere · 19/02/2023 15:54

The incident in the first post is bad enough as a one off but obviously worse in the wider context.

The only thing I can't work out from your posts is why this has surfaced now and why on earth would you ever think (as an adult) it was appropriate parenting?

And tbh privately I've never thought as an adult it was appropriate parenting but it's all I knew at the time

OP posts:
Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 15:58

LookingOldTheseDays · 19/02/2023 15:56

Your mum clearly had an alcohol problem. But why have you picked that one example to ask about? And your YABU/YANBU options are far too binary to give a sensible answer to.

And your dad has a role in this too - be left you in the care of an alcoholic, but somehow gets away with no blame?

I've picked this example as I've had more real life feedback on the more serious examples
No I feel my dad is to blame. He himself admitted that he was too passive

OP posts:
user567543 · 19/02/2023 16:01

Too passive is an understatement - my dad in the late 70s/80s/90s did try and get my mum more help than your dad managed even though he had an alcoholic mum himself and also is an alcoholic.

Yes, it does sound like your mum or your dad were quite good enough.

Leah5678 · 19/02/2023 16:01

If it was just one evening it's not a big deal at all. Nobody is perfect all of the time

SallyWD · 19/02/2023 16:02

It's terrible parenting but if it was only one evening I would have forgiven it by now. If she was generally a drunken and neglectful parent then I can understand why you're still hurting now.

weRone · 19/02/2023 16:05

YNBU - parents shouldn't get shitfaced in front of their kids. At least put them to bed. Drinking alone also not great tbh

Yes, she worked hard and good for her and I'm sure your parents made a lot of sacrifices.

But if you developed an eating disorder then there is a degree of neglect as you were turning somewhere else to fill a hole.

Before others descend onto me: not everyone develops an eating disorder because they're neglected but some are more sensitive than others, have less good coping behaviours and might have also had other low self image shaping experiences.

All you can do now is acknowledge that your mum has done the best she could with the resources available to her and now you need to take responsibility for yourself and heal this. You can move on from this.

HoppingPavlova · 19/02/2023 16:08

Well that one night was neither here nor there and by itself, not neglectful. However, a parent drink most nights is abusive, yes.

At 12yo could you not prepare some food for dinner, beans on toast or fish fingers? Was there no food in the house or similar?

Summerfun54321 · 19/02/2023 16:15

I don't see how your mum or dad's jobs or level of education are relevant. I also don't see why you're focusing on a single evening. If your mum was a nasty alcoholic then that's obviously an issue that may have impacted you. But having busy and ambitious parents that have down days isn't an issue in itself.

15feb · 19/02/2023 16:15

Drip feed 🙄🙄🙄

Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 16:30

HoppingPavlova · 19/02/2023 16:08

Well that one night was neither here nor there and by itself, not neglectful. However, a parent drink most nights is abusive, yes.

At 12yo could you not prepare some food for dinner, beans on toast or fish fingers? Was there no food in the house or similar?

Yes to be fair I could've got dinner myself

OP posts:
user567543 · 19/02/2023 16:38

And that's the issue with one particular memory - when you unpick it out of context it sounds trivial but against a backdrop of how your childhood felt...

Calphurnia88 · 19/02/2023 16:44

As an isolated incident, no, but as part of a catalogue of drunken incidents, yes.

Calphurnia88 · 19/02/2023 16:47

Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 15:58

I've picked this example as I've had more real life feedback on the more serious examples
No I feel my dad is to blame. He himself admitted that he was too passive

Show quote history

You're in charge of your own healing, but I don't think it is helpful (to you) to look at these as isolated incidents.

What is it you're hoping to achieve here @Billingshurst ?

Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 16:49

@Calphurnia88 - what I was hoping to achieve was people's opinions on this one incident

OP posts:
whatchaos · 19/02/2023 16:59

Not sure why you'd look for opinion on one incident - it's always contextual and cumulative, and as you've had feedback irl on the overall situation I find your post very confusing

nokidshere · 19/02/2023 17:02

It's surfaced now as I haven't had feedback about it in real life as I have done with the more serious incidents tbh but it's something I've always thought about

I've discussed my childhood on here many times, suffice to say it was horrendous. I've found that at some point you just need to let go of things that can't be changed or resolved. In the end, and I do not say this lightly, it almost doesn't matter who your parents were and what they did/didn't do. What matters is who you are and what you want to be and no-one, not even a counsellor, can do that it's all down to you. Even if someone gives you tools and strategies to cope, pats you on the head, sympathises, empathises, tells you that you are wonderful etc it won't make a difference unless you make those changes.

When I was 17 I was turfed out of care with 20quid in my pocket and nowhere to go. I got on a train to London and on the journey I promised myself that all the shit people in my life were not going to occupy another single thought in my head. And, for the most part, it works. They are nothing to me, they don't get to influence who I am or what I became, their narrative did not become mine. I'm not for a moment suggesting it's easy to forget this stuff, or that there haven't been times when the 'I can't help it because......' thoughts haven't crept into my life but there's definitely something in the old adage 'fake it till you make it'.

It's worth a try though isn't it? You are you, you have the power to be whoever you want to be, behave however you want to behave and live your life free of their influences.

I'm sorry you had a shit time, but I wish you lots of luck for a fabulous future.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2023 17:03

Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 15:03

Thank you - your first paragraph nails it.

Both parents now dead.

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I hope that before their deaths you were able to confront/discuss/air out (not sure which term would be 'right' for you) your feelings with them. But if not, do you think that the fact that you'll never be able to so is affecting you?

There is a person in my past (not a parent or relative) that died before I could confront them, although TBH I don't know if I'd ever have been truly brave enough to do it. But that I was 'robbed' of the chance to do so sort of stuck in my craw for a bit. But I've dealt with it and it now resides on that hidden shelf in that closet in the back of my brain, where all the 'shit' goes.

Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 17:08

Thanks for all the supportive comments about the future.

Thanks to those who are also critical of me - at the end of the day I wanted people's honest viewpoints

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 19/02/2023 17:10

Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 16:49

@Calphurnia88 - what I was hoping to achieve was people's opinions on this one incident

I think the consensus is that as a one-off incident it's not great parenting, but in the context of prolonged periods of drunkenness it's part of an abusive and neglectful pattern of behaviour.

Does this help in any way?

Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 17:11

Thanks @Caliphurnia - yes it does

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 19/02/2023 17:14

Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 17:11

Thanks @Caliphurnia - yes it does

Good.

Wishing you the best of luck in your healing (I also suffered ED as a teen so whilst I cannot relate to your exact situation I can understand this aspect and the impact of family life on attitudes towards food and control)💐

butterpuffed · 19/02/2023 17:27

I'm finding your posts confusing , OP . You want opinions from us about a certain night , which was fairly uneventful compared to the bullying, nastiness , abuse etc. on other occasions . Why specify this night in particular ?

Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 17:28

butterpuffed · 19/02/2023 17:27

I'm finding your posts confusing , OP . You want opinions from us about a certain night , which was fairly uneventful compared to the bullying, nastiness , abuse etc. on other occasions . Why specify this night in particular ?

Because I've had real life feedback on the more serious incidents.

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 19/02/2023 17:31

Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 17:28

Because I've had real life feedback on the more serious incidents.

Show quote history

Ah , I see . Wishing you well in the future , OP , hoping you will heal and feel more content .