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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask is this inappropriate parenting of a 12 year old?

155 replies

Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 14:06

My mum had worked hard to get a uni degree and strived (or strove!!) at work so by the time I was born had a 'top professional' job iyswim.

As I say she had a professional job, had published academic papers etc. - she was sometimes interviewed regarding her job on local radio and TV. She returned to work shortly after I was born so I never remember her being a stay at home mum at all.
Anyway, when I was 12 - I came home from school one day - for context - it was July so school was about to break up anyway - and my mum was already drunk - and all that evening she spent time listening again and again to a recording of this radio programme she was on. She didn't make eye contact with me at all - but all evening said things like this about herself - "who would have thought that I, a girl in pigtails, from a remote village, would one day be interviewed on the radio" etc etc. She said this while clearly being drunk and talking 'at' me, as if not addressing me properly. I doubt whether she even made me tea that night.
Anyway, that evening - July so light until late - I ended up wandering the streets - my mum wasn't engaging with me, I also had a borderline eating disorder so used to binge on confectionery and other calorific food - I was fat for a 12 year old.
Just for context - I was an only child - so no other children around for a second opinion - and my dad would have been away with work at the time. My dad was of same job level as my mum - uni educated and subsequent high achiever at work - both would have the kind of jobs where they'd go abroad for conferences etc - you get the picture.

Although I spent a lot of the evening 'walking the streets' in a manner of speaking! - it was an affluent, safe area so I wasn't in any danger - just stuffing my face with sweets as a result of low self esteem - but the point is - I think my mums behaviour that evening was very neglectful. 12 year olds need loads of emotional support imo as it's an age of great transition - you're moving away - even if just emotionally/psychologically - a lot of the time from your 'childhood' influences and beginning preparations both physically and emotionally for adulthood. Imo 12yos need their parents very much - but all I had that evening was a drunk mother talking at me - didn't appear to give a shit about me!

So

YANBU - your mother shouldn't have behaved like that - it's selfish/neglectful/abusive

YABU - your mum was just celebrating her 'success' as she was perfectly entitled to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 17:34

Thank you @butterpuffed

OP posts:
Happykittyy · 19/02/2023 17:44

There was obviously lots more going on for you and you needed more nurturing. Be kind to your inner child now you're a grown up.

Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 17:45

Happykittyy · 19/02/2023 17:44

There was obviously lots more going on for you and you needed more nurturing. Be kind to your inner child now you're a grown up.

Thank you. Very good advice.

OP posts:
Forgooodnesssakenow · 19/02/2023 17:48

At 12 I was treated like an adult and left to babysit relatives children overnight, as young as a newborn. I'm not exaggerating. When I look at my own children I think the adults around me were irresponsible arseholes. Your mum sounds the same. It was the culture in the 80s and 90s in some area though.

Get some counselling, it's done wonders for me.to the extent I don't feel like I need to go into the ins and Outs. I've worked through those horrible memories. You can get to that point but I'm 40 and it's taken around 15 yrs

weRone · 19/02/2023 18:00

Cheeseandlobster · 19/02/2023 15:10

This. People on here have experienced real trauma and then there is this non event.

Show quote history

The fact that others had it worse doesn't make OP's pain any less real!

She didn't discount anyone else's traumatic experiences, she just shared her own pain and she's entitled to do that.

Also, it's not a race to who has the worst experience.

purpledalmation · 19/02/2023 18:23

So why didn't you say, my mum was a functioning alcoholic. Am I being unreasonable for not liking my childhood and mother?

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 18:34

On its own not a problem at all.
She was clearly lost in herself and what she had achieved that meant a lot to her.
She couldn't quite believe it and was processing it all.

I think at 12 you should be able to get your own dinner or at least something to tide you over.

So as a one off or even a few times not bjg deal.

Obviously with wider more constant blotto issues it's obviously a problem.

Original poster
Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 18:42

purpledalmation · 19/02/2023 18:23

So why didn't you say, my mum was a functioning alcoholic. Am I being unreasonable for not liking my childhood and mother?

Fair enough - maybe I should've said this

OP posts:
Oigetoffmylawn · 19/02/2023 20:07

No, that one evening, in an otherwise healthy and happy home environment was not a big deal, neglectful or abusive.

However it wasn't just one evening and contract is everything!

Soapyspuds · 19/02/2023 20:27

Your mum got drunk one evening whilst celebrating a big personal success?

What did childline say about this?

AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2023 21:08

Billingshurst · 19/02/2023 18:42

Fair enough - maybe I should've said this

Show quote history

You know, maybe you posted about this one event as a subconscious way of 'sticking your toe in the lake' to test the MN waters.

There are probably more feelings, thoughts, and incidences that are niggling in the back of your head that you'd like to 'pick through'. But I think, if it were me, I'd test the waters by posting one thing, maybe two and see what I got in the way of responses. If I got piled on or felt unsupported I'd know not to post any more. If I didn't get 'piled on' and felt supported/understood, maybe I'd be ready to open up a bit more.

Nothing wrong with that.

HancockSid · 19/02/2023 21:40

Hopefully - "Don't listen to people on Mumsnet who are only able to communicate in tired tabloid-speak".

HancockSid · 19/02/2023 21:45

OP - if I may expand? You are not being unreasonable and do not listen to the smug and the self-satisfied who dare to pontificate about being the child of an alcoholic. It is a narrative I understand only too well.

KarmaStar · 19/02/2023 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WonderingWanda · 19/02/2023 22:10

Hi op, it sounds like you experienced some fairly neglectful and emotionally abusive parenting and of course that leaves it's scars. You mentioned that you wanted feedback on this one incident as you'd had real life feedback on other incidents. Can I ask what you mean by feedback? If it's that you have disclosed this treatment to others and they agree that it was not normal, kind or right then that's a great first step but really I think you might need some proper therapy to deal with this and sift out which bits of parenting were normal and which bits weren't.

Do you have children yourself? Are you planning to have children? I ask because it might really help you in your parenting journey to have made sure you've really acknowledged and come to terms with your parents failings.

HancockSid · 19/02/2023 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

"You have been listening to 'Karma Recites Half-Baked Clichés'".

Original poster
Billingshurst · 20/02/2023 05:13

WonderingWanda · 19/02/2023 22:10

Hi op, it sounds like you experienced some fairly neglectful and emotionally abusive parenting and of course that leaves it's scars. You mentioned that you wanted feedback on this one incident as you'd had real life feedback on other incidents. Can I ask what you mean by feedback? If it's that you have disclosed this treatment to others and they agree that it was not normal, kind or right then that's a great first step but really I think you might need some proper therapy to deal with this and sift out which bits of parenting were normal and which bits weren't.

Do you have children yourself? Are you planning to have children? I ask because it might really help you in your parenting journey to have made sure you've really acknowledged and come to terms with your parents failings.

By 'feedback' - eg I did tell a therapist about one - possibly the worst incident - I told a friend about another serious incident, for example.
Yes, I have a child

OP posts:
JackiePlace · 20/02/2023 05:29

LizziesTwin · 19/02/2023 14:15

Neither parent made you dinner once when you were 12. Hmm, get over it.

Indeed.

Original poster
Billingshurst · 20/02/2023 05:44

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/02/2023 14:16

If this was literally a one-off I'd just put it down to a parenting off day. If, as I suspect, this was a pattern of behaviour and this was a particularly bad example, then it's not great behaviour.

Your description of yourself wandering around looking for sweets tends to suggest that it wasn't a one-off and that you felt neglected by your mother in other ways. Is that the case?

Yes it was the case - looking back my mum was an abusive alcoholic

OP posts:
Original poster
Billingshurst · 20/02/2023 05:46

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/02/2023 14:19

So the real issue was that your mum had a drink problem?

Why focus on this one evening?

It's bad parenting for sure. Your mother's primary relationship was with alcohol and she appears to have borderline neglected you for much of your childhood. That's a horrible thing to have grown up with and a heavy burden for you. Have you ever got any help with this? It sounds like you have a bit of work to do on yourself. I still don't understand why you're singling out this one evening though when it was clearly a pattern of behavior.

I just wanted opinions on that incident as I've had real life opinions on the more serious incidents

OP posts:
Original poster
Billingshurst · 20/02/2023 05:49

UnbeatenMum · 19/02/2023 14:34

YANBU even if it had been a one off. That kind of thing can be really frightening for a child. Not the same at all as a parent being a bit tipsy at Christmas or whatever.

Yeah that's the thing - tipsy at Xmas or New Year is understates it's in context

OP posts:
Original poster
Billingshurst · 20/02/2023 06:01

Nosleepforthismum · 19/02/2023 15:02

I agree and I have some sympathy also having had an alcoholic mum as a child (fortunately now recovered). What’s your relationship like now with your mum? Do you have children yourself? The only reason I ask is that I have fully forgiven my mum for everything that happened when we were children as being an alcoholic is a horrendous addiction that no one in their right mind would wish for. Also, since becoming a mum myself has made me look back at my childhood differently and surprisingly more sympathetically. However, I acknowledge that a huge part of this is down to my mum being completely sober now which has allowed us to rebuild our relationship over the years.

For me it has helped to remember that our parents were only human, they usually had children much younger than we do now and didn’t have the knowledge that we all have at our fingertips with the internet etc. I think you can acknowledge your childhood wasn’t the best but don’t let it define who you are now.

My mum has died . I have a child.

I totally agree I think a parent needs to be sober first before a child can rebuild a relationship with them

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 20/02/2023 07:40

OP I think you should have mentioned from the start that her being drunk was a fairly regular occurrence, not a one off event after a celebration as per the example you initially shared.

It sounds like you were really affected by seeing you mother regularly drunk and that you felt neglected as her focus was on her career and drinking.

This is completely understandable. Indeed a parent who is regularly under the influence of alcohol is being neglectful.

But the main point is that it has affected you negatively and you are still thinking about it now so you would do well to speak to someone about this if you are able to access counselling.

Greenfairydust · 20/02/2023 07:42

''@KarmaStar · Yesterday 22:01
Grow up stop the self indulgent pity party and look at the wider world,try contributing rather than whining you are achieving nothing.''

What a pathetic comment.

I am not sure what you think you are ''achieving'' by glossing over the fact that someone was affected by growing up with a drunk...

Original poster
Billingshurst · 20/02/2023 08:16

Greenfairydust · 20/02/2023 07:40

OP I think you should have mentioned from the start that her being drunk was a fairly regular occurrence, not a one off event after a celebration as per the example you initially shared.

It sounds like you were really affected by seeing you mother regularly drunk and that you felt neglected as her focus was on her career and drinking.

This is completely understandable. Indeed a parent who is regularly under the influence of alcohol is being neglectful.

But the main point is that it has affected you negatively and you are still thinking about it now so you would do well to speak to someone about this if you are able to access counselling.

Thanks yes with hindsight I agree with what you've said in your first paragraph.

Actually by far the thing that affected my confidence the most was my mum trying to coerce/railroad me into friendships ..

OP posts: