To ask is this inappropriate parenting of a 12 year old?

[Billingshurst]

My mum had worked hard to get a uni degree and strived (or strove!!) at work so by the time I was born had a 'top professional' job iyswim.

As I say she had a professional job, had published academic papers etc. - she was sometimes interviewed regarding her job on local radio and TV. She returned to work shortly after I was born so I never remember her being a stay at home mum at all.
Anyway, when I was 12 - I came home from school one day - for context - it was July so school was about to break up anyway - and my mum was already drunk - and all that evening she spent time listening again and again to a recording of this radio programme she was on. She didn't make eye contact with me at all - but all evening said things like this about herself - "who would have thought that I, a girl in pigtails, from a remote village, would one day be interviewed on the radio" etc etc. She said this while clearly being drunk and talking 'at' me, as if not addressing me properly. I doubt whether she even made me tea that night.
Anyway, that evening - July so light until late - I ended up wandering the streets - my mum wasn't engaging with me, I also had a borderline eating disorder so used to binge on confectionery and other calorific food - I was fat for a 12 year old.
Just for context - I was an only child - so no other children around for a second opinion - and my dad would have been away with work at the time. My dad was of same job level as my mum - uni educated and subsequent high achiever at work - both would have the kind of jobs where they'd go abroad for conferences etc - you get the picture.

Although I spent a lot of the evening 'walking the streets' in a manner of speaking! - it was an affluent, safe area so I wasn't in any danger - just stuffing my face with sweets as a result of low self esteem - but the point is - I think my mums behaviour that evening was very neglectful. 12 year olds need loads of emotional support imo as it's an age of great transition - you're moving away - even if just emotionally/psychologically - a lot of the time from your 'childhood' influences and beginning preparations both physically and emotionally for adulthood. Imo 12yos need their parents very much - but all I had that evening was a drunk mother talking at me - didn't appear to give a shit about me!

So

YANBU - your mother shouldn't have behaved like that - it's selfish/neglectful/abusive

YABU - your mum was just celebrating her 'success' as she was perfectly entitled to do

Although your updates do keep getting worse…

That one event - totally fine. Mum was drunk in celebration and you were in a safe area, it was light out and you had enough money to be eating sweets.

Take away the drunk mum and you’ll be describing the school holidays of most 12 year olds (although from reading MN, not nowadays), and Mums are allowed to get drunk once in a while.

I had a happy, healthy and secure childhood - but I broke my arm at a party of my parents once and so was only taken to hospital the morning after. It didn’t and doesn’t feel neglectful, they were just too drunk to drive on that one specific occasion (I was 12, so not a small child). It was a one off so forgivable.

As a pattern of behaviour (which your later posts say this is), totally unacceptable.

@Billingshurst I think you are an adult child of an alcoholic. It actually can really really mess up your life. Feel free to PM if you want to. I am sorry this happened. You will / can be ok.

Sounds like your mum has/had low self esteem and a problem with alcohol.

Do you know anything about her upbringing? How she was treated as a child?

My own parents were fairly "hands off", but when I hear about how they were brought up, it would absolutely be seen as neglect nowadays. It's helped me be more understanding of why they are the way that they are/were.

Parenting doesn't come with a manual, and I think there is a lot more information around now about how to be a parent. If your mum didn't have a role model for how to be a mother, she probably struggled 20/30/40 years ago.

Yes - my mum used to scream at me that I was 'spoilt' 'ruined' etc and I was an only child - so I took this to heart as this was the albeit very false - stereotype of only children. Only children are by no means spoilt by definition but she loved using this against me as well as calling me clumsy/fat etc etc

Very strange behaviour op. Sorry you had to go through it.

Yes I think you've 'hit the nail' with your first paragraph - my mums parents had much more 'normal' temperaments than my mum

Thank you @AlenSupaStar

Bit of a dripfeedy OP but there are some very unempathetic posts on this thread. You sound traumatised by your mum’s alcoholism in your teenage years, have you considered/can you afford to try going into counselling?

You are/were the child of an alcoholic mother and a passive, enabling father. It doesn't matter if your alcoholic mother was an uneducated SAHP or a career driven nuclear physicist. Same goes for your enabling dad. The effects are the same and bound to leave you with a lot of baggage. Both of your parents are equally responsible for your childhood.

I suggest you seek professional help and/or support in working through the issues your childhood has left you with. Those issues are there, even if you don't see them clearly.

Just out of curiosity, and you don't have to say if you prefer not, but what is the relationship like between you and your parents now?

Jesus this was a daily thing in my house. Every day from 10-16 I would come home to my mum drunk. She would have a good job but would finish at 2, and seem to be drunk by the time I got home. My dad worked long hours and wild t be home unti 10/11pm. She also tried committing suicide multiple times and would put the tablets where I would find them and make comments about taking them. It was awful and 20 years ago.

funnt thing is even after years of begging her to stop, pouring her vodka away and also roaming the streets eating any junk food (I have a major issue with food still) she stopped drinking completely the day my dad had a stroke and nearly died.

Yes I completely see how it's dripfeedy. I suppose I wanted that episode assessed independently- but posters quite understandably wondered about wider context. Sk I've given it. I haven't mentioned the worst things that happened as I've had more real life feedback about those - I've spoken about them more - but this being a more 'minor' episode - I haven't had anyone's reaction to it before posting on MN as I haven't mentioned it. Yes I've considered counselling

I understand OP. My dad was a difficult, narcissistic, abusive man but had a respectable job etc... one night sticks I my mind when I was a child. He arrived home so drunk that he was incoherent. He fell through the door and crawled to the toilet to vomit. I was about nine. Lots of other dodgy memories but somehow that one always sticks out to me. I totally understand how one memory can have an effect on you. It's emblematic of deeper things that frighten you.

Blimey I do sympathise - sounds awful

Dear God that sounds awful

I agree and I have some sympathy also having had an alcoholic mum as a child (fortunately now recovered). What’s your relationship like now with your mum? Do you have children yourself? The only reason I ask is that I have fully forgiven my mum for everything that happened when we were children as being an alcoholic is a horrendous addiction that no one in their right mind would wish for. Also, since becoming a mum myself has made me look back at my childhood differently and surprisingly more sympathetically. However, I acknowledge that a huge part of this is down to my mum being completely sober now which has allowed us to rebuild our relationship over the years.

For me it has helped to remember that our parents were only human, they usually had children much younger than we do now and didn’t have the knowledge that we all have at our fingertips with the internet etc. I think you can acknowledge your childhood wasn’t the best but don’t let it define who you are now.

If you Google Adult Child of Alcoholic, there is a lot of information online, which may give you some answers.

Yes, it was neglectful because of a pattern. Your father also neglected you because he abandoned you to your mother for chunks of time, choosing his career over keeping you safe.

It sounds as though your mother was a functioning alcoholic as she held a job down. She chose the booze over you and moreover was a nasty bully.

You should be really proud of yourself for surviving a very difficult childhood. And I agree that therapy would help you process these feelings.

Sadly she died when I was 19 of stomach cancer caused by an ulcer due to drinking so I didn’t get to enjoy her sober for long.

Thank you - your first paragraph nails it.

Both parents now dead.

As a one off event, it's not great but i wouldn't be calling social services etc. I'd assume something significant had happened and Mom was having a bad day. I'd also say at 12 and it were a one off you would be old enough to no better than to stalk walking the streets unless you felt unsafe. However the context IS key. Do i think being a functional alcoholic caring for a child is an issue? Yes.

I think if that's as bad as it got, then it wasn't altogether too bad ...

Thank you - yes your assessment is very accurate

You clearly had a tough childhood with a neglectful/enabling father and an alcohol dependent mother, and you may want to address that in therapy because you deserve to find emotional stability and happiness.

Look up NACOA, it's a charity specifically for the adult children of alcoholics.

My DC are still working through the things their late father did - he was an alcoholic, I got them out but later than I should have.

I don’t think you should use MN to work through your issues. If it’s therapy you want or need, I’d go to a professional.

@SllepingStandingUp - tbh - I think I've given the 'walking the streets' thing too much emphasis. I didn't do that in response to her state that evening tbh - I might well have done it anyway - I was at the age then where I enjoyed going to phone boxes to phone my crush - cringe!! - so I don't think me doing that was in response to her but I can remember doing that that evening as well as binge eating