To ask is this inappropriate parenting of a 12 year old?

[Billingshurst]

My mum had worked hard to get a uni degree and strived (or strove!!) at work so by the time I was born had a 'top professional' job iyswim.

As I say she had a professional job, had published academic papers etc. - she was sometimes interviewed regarding her job on local radio and TV. She returned to work shortly after I was born so I never remember her being a stay at home mum at all.
Anyway, when I was 12 - I came home from school one day - for context - it was July so school was about to break up anyway - and my mum was already drunk - and all that evening she spent time listening again and again to a recording of this radio programme she was on. She didn't make eye contact with me at all - but all evening said things like this about herself - "who would have thought that I, a girl in pigtails, from a remote village, would one day be interviewed on the radio" etc etc. She said this while clearly being drunk and talking 'at' me, as if not addressing me properly. I doubt whether she even made me tea that night.
Anyway, that evening - July so light until late - I ended up wandering the streets - my mum wasn't engaging with me, I also had a borderline eating disorder so used to binge on confectionery and other calorific food - I was fat for a 12 year old.
Just for context - I was an only child - so no other children around for a second opinion - and my dad would have been away with work at the time. My dad was of same job level as my mum - uni educated and subsequent high achiever at work - both would have the kind of jobs where they'd go abroad for conferences etc - you get the picture.

Although I spent a lot of the evening 'walking the streets' in a manner of speaking! - it was an affluent, safe area so I wasn't in any danger - just stuffing my face with sweets as a result of low self esteem - but the point is - I think my mums behaviour that evening was very neglectful. 12 year olds need loads of emotional support imo as it's an age of great transition - you're moving away - even if just emotionally/psychologically - a lot of the time from your 'childhood' influences and beginning preparations both physically and emotionally for adulthood. Imo 12yos need their parents very much - but all I had that evening was a drunk mother talking at me - didn't appear to give a shit about me!

So

YANBU - your mother shouldn't have behaved like that - it's selfish/neglectful/abusive

YABU - your mum was just celebrating her 'success' as she was perfectly entitled to do

Wow, all this analysing years later over one night when you were 12? Parents are human, they make mistakes, my childhood had significantly worse low points and abandonment but as an adult and a parent I have some compassion for my mum and her obvious mental health issues but maybe because I now know that it's not as easy as I thought as a teenager to always be a perfect emotionally engaging mother. You sound immature.

This. People on here have experienced real trauma and then there is this non event.

Yes, that shouldnt happen to any child. Your mother clearly was struggling that night. Were there other nights or times you felt neglected like that? Its not your fault it happened, I hope you know that now as an adult.

What made you think about that night today?

Yes loads of nights I felt like that when I was around 2 years younger - aged about 10 - my mum appeared drunk so I said "mum you're drunk" she said in a very cold, harsh voice "I don't like what you said"

I just wanted people's opinions k. that particular incident seeing as a lot of posters in threads mention the importance of one parent remaining sober in case of emergency

Sorry for typos **

It was a very different time back then. It was normal for kids to basically raise themselves, be smacked, be called names, be out all the time. People also used to drink and smoke a lot more back then. I think it's character building. I think there has to come a point in your life when you have to accept any problems you have as your own and stop blaming others for your issues. I also think your overusing the word trauma and traumatic

I don't see this as being important otherwise single parents would never drink. If there's an emergency you can call a taxi or a friend/family

Yes - I agree with what you're saying ..

Op, I totally relate. I too had an alcoholic, emotionally abusive/absent mother. I also ate away the pain. Got fat, got tormented by her over my vast fatness (in fact, I was a stone overweight age 15, at 9.7 stone, but I thought I was obese, and my self esteem was in the bin - just where she wanted it… of course this was followed by 15 years of bulimia/anorexia).

It’s death by a thousand cuts, some deeper than others. I get the shame, the guilt, even the no dinner thing (!), the no support, the lack of kindness. Even the lack of a dad (also abroad at conferences all the time….), or when he was here, he worked late and seemed oblivious to her tricks (but she was a brilliant liar e.g. would pretend she had a glass of wine, and, oh that’s why she had gone to bed, when it was a couple of bottles, with the empties hidden).

So , like you I had no protector/emotional support. It’s fucking awful, and only if you’ve had an abusive alcoholic narcissistic mother can you truly relate. That’s why I rarely tell anyone. people don’t get it. They prefer to victim blame, since being a mother is indeed tough. But these are NOT just mothers, they are also dangerous abusers. Don’t expect empathy, op, from those who haven’t been there. Their mums were probably ok, or even nice, with occasional “that’s life” slip ups, which we all understand. It’s a different crazy making ball game, having an alcoholic parent.

eg as a child, I always made excuses for her (assumed it was all my fault, well she told me it was), I soaked it all up, I protected her (told no one, dealt with her drinking), I was her counsellor, her parent. You too, op, Im guessing?

Only now, when I have kids, do I realise how absolutely vile and atypical she was. (Plus, like your mum, she was a bit of a pillar of the community, and would often tell me what a great mother she was… and she was indeed very charming in public. She’d tell me that everyone was different behind closed doors. She certainly was! So i didnt realise other people had lovely mums. I thought everyone just put on a polite/loving/charming show in public. I only knew what I knew.)

I do hope you have supportive people in your life now. Look for the joy, if you can op. You didn’t deserve this, but you can’t change what’s happened. I try and remember that those days are gone. But the future is ours. Enjoy your day, look after yourself, chose your tribe with care, and have a happier future, op!

Show me a 12 yr old who hasn't slunk/stormed off to spend several hours AWOL, sulking and convincing themselves they are the tragic victim of terrible parenting?

There are no perfect parents (certainly not mine, and not me!). We all do it wrong sometimes. Healthy people need to recognise and accept that.

A very important part of growing up is the realisation that your parents are not gods, they are human, imperfect, have feet of clay, make mistakes. From that , a healthy teen learns that real love encompasses reciprocal patience, tolerance, forgiveness of mistakes. Staying power, resilience, empathy.

My parents used to get blind drunk every weekend followed by the worst of arguments when I was a child. If this was the only night you’re doing alright.

Omg your story sounds so much like mine ! Although I was heavier than 9.7 at 15 - I was 10 stone ! Yes your posts nails my situation absolutely bad is realistic about the present - I completely agree - you must choose your tribe carefully !!

If I was to assess that one incident on its own; I'd say it wasn't really too much of an issue.
You weren't a helpless child who was completely reliant on her for everything. You could have ignored her, made yourself something to eat and went to your room. You didn't have to go outside. You weren't thrown out. You said yourself it was something you did sometimes and enjoyed it. You were in an affluent area and felt safe.

Taken into context with everything you mentioned, it's part of a pattern of ongoing neglect, and it isn't ok. I really do think some counselling would help you.

OP, its hard when you realise your parents werent perfect, or far away from perfect. We get affected by it so much. They did the best what they could, as any parent does. I think you'd benefit from therapy to digest it all and move on.

Sorry for typos - and* is realistic I meant to say

“There are no perfect parents (certainly not mine, and not me!). We all do it wrong sometimes. Healthy people need to recognise and accept that.”

There you go, op. This is the sort of thing my mum would say if I called her out on her behaviour. You were not at fault, you were not a normal 12 year old storming off. This is a whole different and traumatic thing you are writing about. I believe I had ptsd from my mums drinking, which I’ve only just begun to get over (in my 40s!!). It is devastating, it is lonely, it is shameful, it is confusing, and it hurts like hell. It isn’t just a normal parent, making a mistake. And as kids, we assume it’s up to us to change. That we are to blame. Actually, no, they are to blame. They are BULLIES. Crazed and vile. They used us as their punching bags. I would never treat a child the way my mum treated me. I wouldn’t treat anyone like that. So don’t tell the op that there are no perfect parents. She wasn’t asking for a perfect parent. She was asking for some validation. Which, op, you won’t get - unless you speak to others who are kids of abusers.

I agree - I made too much of an issue of the going out/walking the streets thing. Realistically that's something I may well have done on a more 'benign' evening and it wasn't necessarily a response to my mums behaviour that evening

For people born < 1990, being allowed to wander around outside byself at 12yo wasn't unusual. Nor was feeling you weren't a top priority: our parents born < 1970 were still part of the generation where kids happened rather than were very planned.

I'm sorry about your alkie mum, OP. Look up Adult Children of Alcoholics support group.

Yes another overweight daughter of parents with long term drink problems. My parents did their best, honestly - they were less neglectful than yours sound but regularly drunk and huge drinking binges as well as the habitual.

Even as an adult if I arrange to meet them at a restaurant I know they'll get smashed and if we run late they'll be smashed before we get there.

My mum was an awful aggressive nasty drunk at times but they did have a LOT to deal with.

At some point you've got to mentally acknowledge things and move on for your own sake.

One of my dsis is always seeking an apology from my mum and has presented her with her list of crimes - it's just made my mum sad at the end of her life - my mum has not had any fantastic mental health help for her problems and has struggled through her life. I can see it from both sides.

Thanks - I completely agree with you - she was an absolute bully and I was her punching bag .

Just got the sake of accuracy and honesty - I didn't storm out - the going out thing actually was quite benign in itself and something I may have done on any night - I loved doing anonymous calls to my crush !! from the phone box so me walking the streets as it were to be fair wasn't in response to mum - I probably made that aspect seem more important than it actually was

The incident in the first post is bad enough as a one off but obviously worse in the wider context.

The only thing I can't work out from your posts is why this has surfaced now and why on earth would you ever think (as an adult) it was appropriate parenting?

My entire childhood, OP, so I totally empathise. I’m very jealous of people who had ‘normal’, sober mothers and remember their childhood with fondness.

Ah sorry you experienced that - my mum was a habitual rather than binge drinker

It's surfaced now as I haven't had feedback about it in real life as I have done with the more serious incidents tbh but it's something I've always thought about