To ask is this inappropriate parenting of a 12 year old?

[Billingshurst]

My mum had worked hard to get a uni degree and strived (or strove!!) at work so by the time I was born had a 'top professional' job iyswim.

As I say she had a professional job, had published academic papers etc. - she was sometimes interviewed regarding her job on local radio and TV. She returned to work shortly after I was born so I never remember her being a stay at home mum at all.
Anyway, when I was 12 - I came home from school one day - for context - it was July so school was about to break up anyway - and my mum was already drunk - and all that evening she spent time listening again and again to a recording of this radio programme she was on. She didn't make eye contact with me at all - but all evening said things like this about herself - "who would have thought that I, a girl in pigtails, from a remote village, would one day be interviewed on the radio" etc etc. She said this while clearly being drunk and talking 'at' me, as if not addressing me properly. I doubt whether she even made me tea that night.
Anyway, that evening - July so light until late - I ended up wandering the streets - my mum wasn't engaging with me, I also had a borderline eating disorder so used to binge on confectionery and other calorific food - I was fat for a 12 year old.
Just for context - I was an only child - so no other children around for a second opinion - and my dad would have been away with work at the time. My dad was of same job level as my mum - uni educated and subsequent high achiever at work - both would have the kind of jobs where they'd go abroad for conferences etc - you get the picture.

Although I spent a lot of the evening 'walking the streets' in a manner of speaking! - it was an affluent, safe area so I wasn't in any danger - just stuffing my face with sweets as a result of low self esteem - but the point is - I think my mums behaviour that evening was very neglectful. 12 year olds need loads of emotional support imo as it's an age of great transition - you're moving away - even if just emotionally/psychologically - a lot of the time from your 'childhood' influences and beginning preparations both physically and emotionally for adulthood. Imo 12yos need their parents very much - but all I had that evening was a drunk mother talking at me - didn't appear to give a shit about me!

So

YANBU - your mother shouldn't have behaved like that - it's selfish/neglectful/abusive

YABU - your mum was just celebrating her 'success' as she was perfectly entitled to do

It appears you may be reporting a pattern of neglect due to drinking. There are agencies that support children of alcohol. You may find it useful to google it.

I'm referring to the whole picture, really

Sorry x posted.
Id suggest Al Anon for families of alcoholics for support and a space to share.

The primary school quote is very sad.

al-anonuk.org.uk

Yes ok but I wanted this incident judged on its merits. People have understandably perhaps mentioned the wider context so I'll give it. Sorry if it sounds like a drip feed - wasn't my intention

One evening really did need context because parents are only human and can mess up occasionally, my dd delights in reminding me of when she tied my hair back because I was just a little unwell after a house party she was 13, her older sister nearly 16 so hardly a child protection issue. The same scenario but the eldest child is only 5 is a very different situation

Yes I agree

I think it would be helpful if you answer the question at the bottom of this post OP?

@Crunchymum
Yes to be honest - that wasn't the most traumatic thing that happened - but because it's one of the 'less' traumatic things - it's an episode I haven't talked about to others as much as some of the other instances - so wanted the MN opinion

You mention your dad.
Why is he excused from not making dinner or caring that you were out at night?
I'm assuming that he's not a drunk like your mum?

He was away at the time - abroad with work. He didn't drink at the time but didn't challenge her aggressive, drunken behaviour - not this instance - he wasn't there to see this

So do you think the strain of the high-powered job and being left with all domestic and parental duties contributed to your mum's drinking?

YANBU even if it had been a one off. That kind of thing can be really frightening for a child. Not the same at all as a parent being a bit tipsy at Christmas or whatever.

Your dad sounds like an enabler then. He must have known that she was a drunk based on stories like the stairs incident.

Many 12 yo will come home to an empty house as both parents are at work so it's not negligent that she was unavailable after school but it sounds like she was so drunk you could have started drinking alcohol at that age too.

Ok @alwayslearning789 I'll answer the question at the bottom -

both my parents were emotionally immature - only it manifested in different ways. My mum used to get drunk and obviously aggressive, sometimes physically violent but more often emotionally so. My Dad didn't have problem drinking but didn't challenge her at all or call it bad behaviour when mum was very obviously drunk and aggressive. He's admitted years after my childhood "maybe I was too passive"

Sounds like a normal genx upbringing to me

Yes you've got it in your first sentence

Exactly. I totally agree.

@NannyOgg - possibly - but she sometimes went abroad herself too and it was Dad alone with me

I was left alone an awful lot as both parents worked late - from age 11 I had to cook something ready for them to come home to then they went out again to religious activities (4-5 weekday evenings) Sundays involved 2 worship events - Saturdays were for other good works or social activities with religious friends
At primary school age we were sent to GPs a lot
I refused to join in a lot of the religious stuff so was left home alone a lot
I do sympathise though OP as alcohol neglect sounds just as bad if not worse

I'd blame your dad more than your mum who clearly had alcohol issues and needed help. Doesn't sound like sheets childhood

I understand OP. My mum spent my later years after about 8 years old wasted. Things she's done - bit me. Had sex next to me and my little brother whilst we were in a hotel (we had to go sleep in the hotel bathtub and on the floor - she laughed). Brought back random guys. Screamed at me whilst drunk on the floor. Behaved horrifically towards me. Etc. It was horrible.

Ooof ! I sympathise- this is awful. I was a fat primary school child and my mum would love to - whole drink take the piss out of me - call me pig /elephant etc then tell me off if I dared show any upset !

It does sound like a difficult time.

I went through a phase of looking back at my childhood and remembering all the negative things that happened. I felt my parents had really messed up in some respects.

Later I can see they did do some/ quite a lot of things that I have done differently BUT they were different times and their situation was different. In many, many ways they were heroic.

No parents are saints. You’ve clearly been affected by this but try to balance it a little by thinking of what was positive.