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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby, DH and stag do

169 replies

Caz191 · 19/02/2023 11:54

Firsr baby due mid May, DH has been invited on an abroad stag do in September. Obviously I’m fine with him going but originally it was Fri-Sun, he’s just confirmed the dates and it’s Thursday-Sunday and the flight times means he’d be gone 6am on the Thursday until 10pm on the Sunday. Plus I don’t think he’ll be very helpful for at least a day on his return.
I know the baby will be 4 months by then but would it be unreasonable for me to ask him only to do 3 nights? I don’t know if I’m being OTT with it being my first baby and it is only one extra night than he thought. Most stag do’s he goes on are only 2-3 nights, 4 seems quite long. I know I’d manage on my own but I don’t really want to, not sure if I’m being a bit selfish.
He also has a work conference in the US in September too so will be away 4-5 nights then which is unavoidable.

OP posts:
VirtualRealitee · 19/02/2023 11:55

Not unreasonable to ask but how difficult would making separate travel plans be?

MajorCarolDanvers · 19/02/2023 11:57

My DH travelled a lot for work when ours were babes. It's a hassle but one extra night really doesn't make that much difference.

If you are anxious can you get your mum or MIL to come and stay with you.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 19/02/2023 11:57

I was going to say that you were being unreasonable until I read that he has a wok trip planned as well.

i would be fine if he only had to or wanted to do one of the trips. But the combination of the two takes him away for longer than I would be happy with.

maeveiscurious · 19/02/2023 11:57

Caz191 · 19/02/2023 11:54

Firsr baby due mid May, DH has been invited on an abroad stag do in September. Obviously I’m fine with him going but originally it was Fri-Sun, he’s just confirmed the dates and it’s Thursday-Sunday and the flight times means he’d be gone 6am on the Thursday until 10pm on the Sunday. Plus I don’t think he’ll be very helpful for at least a day on his return.
I know the baby will be 4 months by then but would it be unreasonable for me to ask him only to do 3 nights? I don’t know if I’m being OTT with it being my first baby and it is only one extra night than he thought. Most stag do’s he goes on are only 2-3 nights, 4 seems quite long. I know I’d manage on my own but I don’t really want to, not sure if I’m being a bit selfish.
He also has a work conference in the US in September too so will be away 4-5 nights then which is unavoidable.

I think you need to let this go marriage is give and take

Fixed · 19/02/2023 11:58

An extra night is not a big deal

MelaniesFlowers · 19/02/2023 11:59

YABU. It’s a one off and baby will be 4 months by then so you’ll know what you’re doing.

Pippylongstock · 19/02/2023 12:02

I think it’s really sensible to be cautious about this. You have no idea how you will feel, what will happen with the birth, what kind of sleeper your baby is. Honestly 4 nights feels really excessive. He will have many opportunities to go away when your baby is older.

Original poster
Caz191 · 19/02/2023 12:10

They’re old school friends and we’re in a different city so he’s travelling separately anyway so wouldn’t make too much difference. I’d assume he’d have to pay for 4 nights in a hotel as he’s sharing but wouldn’t be an issue.

He does also have a weeks holiday with friends 4 weeks before my due date so he’s not totally hard done to. I’ve not mentioned it to him , just wanted to get an idea if I was being dramatic over 1 extra night.

OP posts:
wibblewobbleball · 19/02/2023 12:11

I think it's fine to be honest, and if you both feel like it's not going to be manageable for you when it gets nearer to the time he can always not go and take the financial hit.

elm26 · 19/02/2023 12:12

I'd be fine with this personally.

FebMama · 19/02/2023 12:15

Personally I'd be ok with this OP. It is what it is. I have a 3 year old and currently a 3 week old. My DH is going on a stag do next month abroad for 4 nights and baby will only be 5 weeks old! I've just planned ahead and made sure I've got some extra support from grandparents/family during those few days. It'll be tough I'm sure but not the end of the world.

Congratulations on your pregnancy hope all goes well 😊

CanofCant · 19/02/2023 12:17

maeveiscurious · 19/02/2023 11:57

I think you need to let this go marriage is give and take

Show quote history

Where's the 'give' for the OP though?

I don't think YANBU. He's got a week away before the birth then two trips away afterwards. So your life is going to change massively but he can crack on as per? What plans is he setting in place to make his absence easier for you?

Sunriseinwonderland · 19/02/2023 12:18

These stag dos really piss me off. Whats with all these stag dos now. I don't remember my grandfather or uncles or cousins ever spending loads of money going to stag do abroad at the expense of their families.

CanofCant · 19/02/2023 12:20

And FYI I have three kids and DH goes away for work, I still think it's a bit remiss of her husband to leave OP shortly after she has just given birth to their first child.

AllOfThemWitches · 19/02/2023 12:23

I'm judging your husband for choosing to go but why do you think you won't cope alone?

AllOfThemWitches · 19/02/2023 12:23

Sunriseinwonderland · 19/02/2023 12:18

These stag dos really piss me off. Whats with all these stag dos now. I don't remember my grandfather or uncles or cousins ever spending loads of money going to stag do abroad at the expense of their families.

Yeah it's a bit sad imo.

TidyDancer · 19/02/2023 12:24

Yeah this wouldn't bother me at all. A week after the birth I wouldn't be happy but several months later I think is fine.

If you find you're struggling a bit nearer the time and want more support or company, you've got plenty of time to plan and ask someone to stay with you.

Iknownononono · 19/02/2023 12:24

Sunriseinwonderland · 19/02/2023 12:18

These stag dos really piss me off. Whats with all these stag dos now. I don't remember my grandfather or uncles or cousins ever spending loads of money going to stag do abroad at the expense of their families.

Surely the same could be said for hen dos? Weddings have become much bigger in general, so has everything that’s gone with them.

OP, you’ve said you’d be fine with 3 nights but not with 4 nights. Thursday to Sunday is 3 nights. Why would you ask him to only do three nights when he’s also saying he’d only do three nights?

AlmostSummer21 · 19/02/2023 12:25

CanofCant · 19/02/2023 12:20

And FYI I have three kids and DH goes away for work, I still think it's a bit remiss of her husband to leave OP shortly after she has just given birth to their first child.

4 months is not 'just after' giving birth.

@Caz191 1 night is not going to make much difference. Your baby will be 4 months, you'll be into the swing of things.

I'm more surprised he's going on a lads holiday beforehand tbh. Is it the sort of thing he's always done or is he going alone because you're pregnant?

LittleOwl153 · 19/02/2023 12:26

I think I'd be more worried about the holiday 4 weeks before due date tbh... that point can be very uncomfortable and babies can come early!

1 extra night I don't think will make much difference. Do make sure though that all these trips away he has resultnin you also getting time out yourself. Initially it won't be 4 nights away from a tiny baby I guess but you do need time to yourself too.

CanofCant · 19/02/2023 12:26

She shouldn't fucking have to cope alone. It's perfectly normal for OP to be apprehensive about this as she has never had a baby before. She's never given birth before. We are all thinking in terms of having already experienced this but she hasn't and it's okay for her to be nervous, it doesn't make her less than.

CanofCant · 19/02/2023 12:27

AlmostSummer21 · 19/02/2023 12:25

4 months is not 'just after' giving birth.

@Caz191 1 night is not going to make much difference. Your baby will be 4 months, you'll be into the swing of things.

I'm more surprised he's going on a lads holiday beforehand tbh. Is it the sort of thing he's always done or is he going alone because you're pregnant?

Show quote history

I misread, thought it was four weeks. He's still BU though.

newmum0604 · 19/02/2023 12:28

Thurs - Sun is 3 nights?

CanofCant · 19/02/2023 12:28

Mainly though, I'd be worried that this is setting a precedent for OP to handle everything while he checks out of family life on a whim. I could be wrong and doom mongering, hopefully I am. Probably been reading too many threads on here.

Iknownononono · 19/02/2023 12:28

CanofCant · 19/02/2023 12:26

She shouldn't fucking have to cope alone. It's perfectly normal for OP to be apprehensive about this as she has never had a baby before. She's never given birth before. We are all thinking in terms of having already experienced this but she hasn't and it's okay for her to be nervous, it doesn't make her less than.

Why are you getting so aggressive about this? How many times are you intending to post your opinion on repeat. You’re entitled to one opinion, you don’t need to say it 50 times. Other people are entitled to disagree. To most people, four months after the birth is more than enough time to be ok for a few days on your own. OP has said she’s ok with him going for three nights and that’s how long the stag do is - I don’t even understand what she’s asking to be honest.