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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby, DH and stag do

169 replies

Caz191 · 19/02/2023 11:54

Firsr baby due mid May, DH has been invited on an abroad stag do in September. Obviously I’m fine with him going but originally it was Fri-Sun, he’s just confirmed the dates and it’s Thursday-Sunday and the flight times means he’d be gone 6am on the Thursday until 10pm on the Sunday. Plus I don’t think he’ll be very helpful for at least a day on his return.
I know the baby will be 4 months by then but would it be unreasonable for me to ask him only to do 3 nights? I don’t know if I’m being OTT with it being my first baby and it is only one extra night than he thought. Most stag do’s he goes on are only 2-3 nights, 4 seems quite long. I know I’d manage on my own but I don’t really want to, not sure if I’m being a bit selfish.
He also has a work conference in the US in September too so will be away 4-5 nights then which is unavoidable.

OP posts:
mummyh2016 · 19/02/2023 14:38

Movingsoon21 · 19/02/2023 14:06

I’m really shocked by the majority of responses. In my friendship group this would not be seen as ok at all. We have all set the bar much higher for our men!

Just because we would 'let' our partners go away on a stag weekend doesn't mean we're setting a low bar.
I'm off on a 3 night hen weekend in a couple of months and DH will be at home looking after the kids. I'll make sure to tell DH he has a low bar set for 'letting' me go Hmm

CanofCant · 19/02/2023 14:48

Did DH give birth to his first child four months ago?

JenniferBooth · 19/02/2023 14:49

@5128gap Yes i couldnt help noticing that as usual its other FEMALE relatives who are being expected to help out.

Im child free by choice and people know not to ask me

RubbishAtEverything · 19/02/2023 14:57

@JenniferBooth Exactly! Let the menfolk do as they please whilst the lowly women pick up the slack

Deadringer · 19/02/2023 15:02

I honestly think stags and hens abroad are a ridiculous waste of time and money but each to their own. My dh wouldn't have gone when we had a small baby especially our first but if your dh really wants to go there isn't much you can do except make sure you get a few days away yourself at some stage.

Scotty12 · 19/02/2023 15:07

I think it’s healthy to maintain friendships and interests. If you start telling DH he can’t do things and he starts telling you you can’t do the things you want to, resentment can start to build up - and effectively you both lose. Let him go and you will reap the benefits in the long term. Going away just before the birth is a different matter… unless completely unavoidable, this is not OK.
Draft in some help, make the best of it.

Hence · 19/02/2023 15:11

I really think decent family men wouldn't even dream of fucking off on 4 day stag dos. Just so self involved and precious. And on the flip side none of the women I know would organise a 4 day hen do. How ridiculous. It isn't that I don't "let" my husband do these things, it isn't even something that would occur in our lives as we aren't total dicks. I can only imagine the type of people that organise this kind of thing 🤢🤮🤢

Cornelious2011 · 19/02/2023 15:12

In my friendship group it is very much the norm for the men and women to have annual/biannual trips with friends for 3/4 nights on average. I can't see how one more night is going to babe a huge difference. Make sure you get the equivalent free time also.

Sugargliderwombat · 19/02/2023 15:13

I think by 4 months you'll be OK 😀.

Mariposista · 19/02/2023 15:35

Yawwwww another one of these.
He goes and then plan your own weekend away with friends some time. Don’t be ‘that wife’.

RidingMyBike · 19/02/2023 15:51

So much depends on your personal circs though. And some of that you won't know yet. At four months I had severe PND, still hadn't bonded with DD and was only coping by being out of the house for as much time as possible whilst DH was at work. I wouldn't have coped if he'd gone away overnight and we had no family support to call on.

But if you're feeling well, happy and confident and have family support nearby it would be very different.

It's just the way the days are so so long and never ending with a baby, and it's so relentless. DH coming home every evening to take DD for a few hours was the only way to make it bearable.

I'd also want to make sure he was able to and confident to have your baby on his own - don't become the baby 'expert' - so that you can also have time away when you feel like it (what happens if a 3 night hen do comes up?!).

toomuchlaundry · 19/02/2023 15:55

@Mariposista maybe he could try and not be 'that husband'

Sunriseinwonderland · 19/02/2023 15:59

My brother in law cancelled ALL of his activities when his baby was born. He wanted to be there to raise his child and do half the nights. Cancelled a work trop to. Because that's what decent fathers do not hang out in lap dancing clubs and get drunk.

5128gap · 19/02/2023 16:06

Meandfour · 19/02/2023 14:36

Or they have the bar set very low for “their women”

In my friendship group, we don’t believe we control our adult husbands or that their lives stop once they become fathers.

Show quote history

I bet men thank their lucky stars for the gift of the term 'controlling' as a way to silence women who dare to question their right to do exactly as they please, regardless of any inconvenience caused.

LunaM · 19/02/2023 16:08

Movingsoon21 · 19/02/2023 14:06

I’m really shocked by the majority of responses. In my friendship group this would not be seen as ok at all. We have all set the bar much higher for our men!

Same here totally agree with you.

Ffsmakeitstop · 19/02/2023 16:09

Ignoring the fact I detest these type of stag and hen dos. I think you're being a bit precious to limit his time away.
I had 3 under 3 and my DH worked away for a week at a time occasionally with no other family support. I copied unlike some of today's young women. As for the "make sure you get equal time away" comments you're adults not kids sharing our sweets.

RidingMyBike · 19/02/2023 16:25

It's also different if he's away with work. Work is work and can't be helped.

If he's using up his annual leave on stag do's and trips with friends then how much leave is he taking for the birth (mine took 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks annual leave)? And how much leave is he keeping back if you are ill and he needs to look after the baby (DH had to take a couple of days when I had a vomiting bug) or to cover KIT days for you? And so you can have a family holiday? DH had 2 weeks after the birth, a total of 1 week covering illness and KIT days and 1 week of family holiday in the first year.

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 16:29

Movingsoon21 · 19/02/2023 14:06

I’m really shocked by the majority of responses. In my friendship group this would not be seen as ok at all. We have all set the bar much higher for our men!

Maybe they need to set the bar higher for their women

JanusTheFirst · 19/02/2023 16:32

Why is he even thinking about going with a small baby at home?

Dh turned down all such invites when the DSs were tiny. It's the decent thing to do.

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 16:36

JanusTheFirst · 19/02/2023 16:32

Why is he even thinking about going with a small baby at home?

Dh turned down all such invites when the DSs were tiny. It's the decent thing to do.

Why is sacrificing all his friendships the decent thing to do? He still needs a social life.

Penguinsaregreat · 19/02/2023 16:41

I think the stag do, lads holiday AND going to the US for work us too much.

Original poster
Caz191 · 19/02/2023 16:41

Trying to read everything, didn’t expect so many replies, thanks for all the responses.

The trip before my due date is an annual trip that was booked before I became pregnant. It’s the same week every year more or less. He is generally good with things, he doesn’t normally take the p*ss.

He is away for work 1-2 nights most weeks so I’ll probably be used to being on my own with the baby. It just feels like it could be the best part of a week if he happens to be away with work, then straight off for 4 more nights. But to everyone saying it’s only one more night I suppose it won’t make too much difference.

I just couldn’t imagine leaving him with the baby at 4 months old for 4 nights and going off on a girls trip. Plus I keep hearing people talking about the 4 month sleep regression so maybe it’s the timing of that that’s giving me slight anxiety over the whole thing.

OP posts:
mummyh2016 · 19/02/2023 16:46

Sunriseinwonderland · 19/02/2023 15:59

My brother in law cancelled ALL of his activities when his baby was born. He wanted to be there to raise his child and do half the nights. Cancelled a work trop to. Because that's what decent fathers do not hang out in lap dancing clubs and get drunk.

Have I missed the post about them going to a strip club? Unless I've missed something all we know is that it's abroad Confused

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 16:46

@Caz191 are we right to assume you'll be on maternity leave?

mummyh2016 · 19/02/2023 16:49

Caz191 · 19/02/2023 16:41

Trying to read everything, didn’t expect so many replies, thanks for all the responses.

The trip before my due date is an annual trip that was booked before I became pregnant. It’s the same week every year more or less. He is generally good with things, he doesn’t normally take the p*ss.

He is away for work 1-2 nights most weeks so I’ll probably be used to being on my own with the baby. It just feels like it could be the best part of a week if he happens to be away with work, then straight off for 4 more nights. But to everyone saying it’s only one more night I suppose it won’t make too much difference.

I just couldn’t imagine leaving him with the baby at 4 months old for 4 nights and going off on a girls trip. Plus I keep hearing people talking about the 4 month sleep regression so maybe it’s the timing of that that’s giving me slight anxiety over the whole thing.

If he's away for 1-2 nights a week anyway it shouldn't make that much of a difference however is there a way for him to change the days he's away with work that week so he doesn't go straight from being away to being on the stag?
Try not to get too hung up on the 4 month sleep regression, my DD had it but DS didn't. It's not a given.