Baby, DH and stag do

[Caz191]

Firsr baby due mid May, DH has been invited on an abroad stag do in September. Obviously I’m fine with him going but originally it was Fri-Sun, he’s just confirmed the dates and it’s Thursday-Sunday and the flight times means he’d be gone 6am on the Thursday until 10pm on the Sunday. Plus I don’t think he’ll be very helpful for at least a day on his return.
I know the baby will be 4 months by then but would it be unreasonable for me to ask him only to do 3 nights? I don’t know if I’m being OTT with it being my first baby and it is only one extra night than he thought. Most stag do’s he goes on are only 2-3 nights, 4 seems quite long. I know I’d manage on my own but I don’t really want to, not sure if I’m being a bit selfish.
He also has a work conference in the US in September too so will be away 4-5 nights then which is unavoidable.

It wouldn't bother me, but I'm not you and I'm not married to your DH!

I think you would be entirely in order to say 'I don't know how I'll be coping, how would you feel about three nights rather than four.' If you don't communicate, how is he supposed to know?

I also would be more stressed out by a holiday four weeks pre-due date. When I was pg my DH travelled more or less constantly for work but from six weeks before due date he didn't do any travel abroad. Babies don't always come when they're planned!

I said I misread and thought it was four weeks. I'm not being aggressive, nor did I restate my opinion 150 times. But thanks for singling me out.

Are you able to pinpoint precisely what you think might be a problem? Then it will be easier to think of a solution.
I spent quite a bit of time alone with DC1 when DP was away. At 4 months, I'd become confident enough to feel like managing alone was fine, and DC1 and I had some quite dreamy weeks, just the two of us, in her first year.
How about you sit your DH down and 'walk through' the days he'll be away together, looking to troubleshoot potential snags and plan for mitigations and fixes: "I'm wondering about X scenario; how would you solve this if Z happened?". This will help him see precisely what he's asking you to do.

So many people seem to have miscounted. Thursday to Sunday is three nights. Thursday night (1), Friday night (2), Saturday night (3). Back on Sunday.

If you’re happy with him going for three nights then what is the problem, OP?

I'm sure you've asked this but it's not in the OP - but is the extra day because there aren't flights available? I've certainly found there are far fewer flights around than there were pre-Covid and have been in a similar situation myself having to extend or shorten plans to places where there used to be numerous daily flights.

I think trying to take this small snippet to make an assessment is a bit unfair.

He might have a few things lined up but otherwise be a totally committed partner and future father, only the OP knows whether he will be 100% all in the rest of the time and also ensure OP gets her own time, rest and access to time “off”. If he is that person then I’d be willing to let the extra night go, and bank it for another time when perhaps I needed a bit extra (in the fairness of give and take).

If the partner is not this type of partner then OP has more to worry about than an extra night.

I find it bizarre that grown men have 4 day stag dos. Is this just a thing on Mumsnet because in real life I have never known such a thing? Although I guess maybe it is just a certain demographic that does this sort of thing. I don't think I would have married the type of man that keeps going away on 4 day stag dos and leaving me to pick up the slack.

My DH went to an overseas wedding when DD was about the same age. Are you close to your family? I went to stay with family at the same time (in fact a bit longer as i think i went the day before and came back the day after) and basically used it as an excuse to be looked after for a week. Is this an option for you?

I singled you out because you’re the only person who’s posted five times in the first page of responses! You’re the only person who did it, who else could be singled out? 😂

When is your time off? It seems a bit one sided

I agree. DP actually cancelled a single night out – not away, just out – when our first was four months as I was still not OK mentally or physically. Second time around is a different story altogether and I’d actually find it easier without him around: one less human to consider! But before a baby arrives none of us has a fucking clue how it’s going to go: I was certainly surprised how easy No.2 was Vs No.1.

And anyway, who wants to merely “cope” when they could “enjoy” or “thrive”? It’s totally OK to want your co-parent around!

You're so right!! 😂😂😂😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂 many apologies.

I think you can't judge how you will feel until baby is here. If you have a baby who sleeps, then you will be ok. Can you plan for a relative to help out, just to give you a break? I hope tge holiday 4 weeks before your due date is not abroad though...

I think by 4 months old, you'll be fine with the baby. One extra day isn't going to make a huge difference but I'd certainly be making sure he's consulting you on any future plans before making them. Trying to make separate plans for a stag do could be a pain for him and it's not as if he's planned the stag do himself.

Book yourself something nice that you can go to with/without the baby a bit later down the line, e.g a nice city break for Christmas markets at a hotel with a spa. Obviously your DH can go with you but this gives you something ahead to look forward to and a bit of pampering if you're in to that.

I think you’ll probably be absolutely fine. Honestly I think it would be a bit of a shame I think for your husband to miss out on his friends stag do, as long as the same would be reciprocated when you want time away or just for yourself.
My husband went away skiing on a stag do when our son was four months and we had quite a nice time actually. Timing wise, it worked quite well, as we’d well established a good routine and feeding was going well. I just insisted DH do a really good clean before he went so I didn’t have to worry about that aspect too much 🤣

Let him have the extra night

I would be far more worried about the week long trip before the baby is due tbh

This ^

If the debate is 3 nights or 4 nights then yes yabu. An extra night isn't an issue.

At 4 months mine hated my husband with every fibre of her being, I wouldn't have noticed if he'd be here or not as he couldn't help at all.
If you're left with a clean house and easy meals you should be fine, or I'd have gone stayed with my parents if I wanted some company, then saved up the big favours that he owed me

And couples moan about not being able to afford a house. My hen night was a meal in the local pub with three best friends. The whole thing seems barmy.

I don't think cutting the extra day will make much difference to be honest.

Best case would be to see if he can get an earlier flight home on the Sunday.

Separate to the fact I hate stag and hen dos, the ridiculous ott and demands on peoples time and money- it’s 1 extra day, your child will be 4 months old- I think you are being dramatic OP

Tbh all women should consider the possibility that they will be left holding the baby before they decide to have one. It's not as though lots of men don't fuck off and leave them to it.

The OP is still able to take trips until closer to her due date. She can still take time away from the baby once it's here - no reason to think her dh wouldn't facilitate her going on a hen weekend at all!