Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby, DH and stag do

169 replies

Caz191 · 19/02/2023 11:54

Firsr baby due mid May, DH has been invited on an abroad stag do in September. Obviously I’m fine with him going but originally it was Fri-Sun, he’s just confirmed the dates and it’s Thursday-Sunday and the flight times means he’d be gone 6am on the Thursday until 10pm on the Sunday. Plus I don’t think he’ll be very helpful for at least a day on his return.
I know the baby will be 4 months by then but would it be unreasonable for me to ask him only to do 3 nights? I don’t know if I’m being OTT with it being my first baby and it is only one extra night than he thought. Most stag do’s he goes on are only 2-3 nights, 4 seems quite long. I know I’d manage on my own but I don’t really want to, not sure if I’m being a bit selfish.
He also has a work conference in the US in September too so will be away 4-5 nights then which is unavoidable.

OP posts:
5128gap · 19/02/2023 13:56

Well the last thing I'd want to do is look after a 4m old for four days on my own while the other parent went off on their jollies. I'd obviously 'cope' on my own, but my bar for life is a bit higher than merely getting by. Its a boring difficult age and the presence of the other parent can make a huge difference to how tolerable it is.
Clearly these trips are more than a one off too, so the only way this would be ok is if I also got opportunities for 4 day breaks from childcare. That would be give and take. Otherwise its just really give.

diddl · 19/02/2023 13:57

Plus I don’t think he’ll be very helpful for at least a day on his return.

I think that that would piss me off the most tbh.

He's off on a break.

He doesn't opt out any longer than that!

Scotty12 · 19/02/2023 13:57

Let him go. My DH worked away Monday to Thursday or Monday to Friday every week when our second child was born ie I had a newborn and a two year old. Yes it was hard. You will be fine.

RubbishAtEverything · 19/02/2023 14:00

Scotty12 · 19/02/2023 13:57

Let him go. My DH worked away Monday to Thursday or Monday to Friday every week when our second child was born ie I had a newborn and a two year old. Yes it was hard. You will be fine.

It's not a case of OP being 'fine' though. Of course she'll be ok and will get through the time.

It's the fact that her DH seems to think that he can just carry on going off on lads' trips regardless of the fact that he has a child. And even though everyone is saying OP should plan her own trip, lets face it, its a lot harder for women to go off for days on end on holidays than it is for men.

timesogin · 19/02/2023 14:02

I don't think one more might makes masses of difference. But with baby one at four months old you might feel like you want to draft in some help - maybe a grandmother or good friend could stay for at least a bit of the time? It really depends how you're getting on. For some people it would be no big deal, others would find it tricky.

Hohoholdon · 19/02/2023 14:02

most responses if this was about a woman leaving after the same amount would be to not go…

Movingsoon21 · 19/02/2023 14:05

4 months is a really bad time for him to be away. The four month sleep regression is real and can hit very hard. My baby was up every 60-90 mins a night at 4 months, it nearly killed me. Definitely ask him to go for one less day.

A 4 day stag do is a ridiculously over the top nonsense that parents should not be buying into. He should be saving his holiday and money to spend with his new family.

Scrambledchickens · 19/02/2023 14:06

Would worry too much about 4 months after, you could have a lovely week all about you and baby, or go to you mums/ friends and be spoiled rotten.
However a lot of babies do arrive early and 36 weeks is v common so I would definitely be v un(apply about that one.
Are you generally worried that he is not going to consider changing his lifestyle?

Movingsoon21 · 19/02/2023 14:06

I’m really shocked by the majority of responses. In my friendship group this would not be seen as ok at all. We have all set the bar much higher for our men!

Jumbojade · 19/02/2023 14:07

My dd’s husband, had to work away from home (was away Monday 6am to Friday 7pm) most weeks, from when baby was 2 weeks old. I’m sure many others also have had similar issues. I stayed with her overnight during the week, for the the first few weeks, to help out. Could you perhaps get either your dm or dmil to help out like this, if you are struggling to cope? Though hopefully, you will have gotten into a routine, by the time baby is 4 months old.

Heronwatcher · 19/02/2023 14:09

At 4 months yes I think you’re being a bit precious. I’d let this one go. But I’d definitely be booking my own break in for when baby is a bit older (depending on whether you plan to bf or not).

Heronwatcher · 19/02/2023 14:11

Oh and yes he definitely has to pick things up straight away when he gets back, make sure he knows that a week long hangover will go down very very badly!

wishuponastar1988 · 19/02/2023 14:13

I wouldn't have issue with the stag do to be honest and I'd be tempted to make lots of nice plans with family/friends and baby. I wouldn't be happy about the holiday 4 weeks before due date though, that would be a no from me

FlowersareEverything · 19/02/2023 14:23

You said you would be happy with thee nights. Thursday to Sunday is three nights. I don’t understand what the problem is?

5128gap · 19/02/2023 14:24

Scrambledchickens · 19/02/2023 14:06

Would worry too much about 4 months after, you could have a lovely week all about you and baby, or go to you mums/ friends and be spoiled rotten.
However a lot of babies do arrive early and 36 weeks is v common so I would definitely be v un(apply about that one.
Are you generally worried that he is not going to consider changing his lifestyle?

Honestly I can't imagine what would be lovely about just me and a baby. Some women might, many of us couldn't imagine anything worse!
We shouldn't have to get the other women in our lives to step in help out and 'spoil us'. How many women have to get involved to facilitate one man's holiday?

FigAndOlive · 19/02/2023 14:25

DH wouldn’t even dream of booking so many nights away on different occasions when I was heavily pregnant or so early after my baby was born. I remember he got heavily drunk in a get together in OUR place and sort of passed out and was ashamed and apologetic the next day because I was on third trimester so could have a baby emergency or an early birth and he would be useless. I don’t understand having a baby with a partner if he is not committed on the “project”. I wouldn’t book a 3/4 night trip with a 4 month old baby and leave him with her so why should he? Of course he was working and I was on Mat Leave so we had different tasks and responsibilities but we act as a team. So yes, long story short YANBU by asking him to cut it shorter, you’re actually entitled to demand that he cancels it all together 😂

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 19/02/2023 14:27

Caz191 · 19/02/2023 12:10

They’re old school friends and we’re in a different city so he’s travelling separately anyway so wouldn’t make too much difference. I’d assume he’d have to pay for 4 nights in a hotel as he’s sharing but wouldn’t be an issue.

He does also have a weeks holiday with friends 4 weeks before my due date so he’s not totally hard done to. I’ve not mentioned it to him , just wanted to get an idea if I was being dramatic over 1 extra night.

If it's not making travel/room sharing difficult then I think it's fair enough to ask him to go for 3 nights only....

FigAndOlive · 19/02/2023 14:28

This! I really wasn’t excepting the answers. And of course she could COPE if needed, in like a real necessity? If DH travels for work, or is in the hospital, but for several holidays?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/02/2023 14:28

Marzipangirl3 · 19/02/2023 13:13

I don’t think YABU here to be worried/concerned about this, especially as you’re going to be a first time mum and you don’t know what to expect. I agree with pp that I’d be more concerned about the dynamic within the relationship about his expectations of you as a parent and his actual input. I’ve got a 2mo and DH hasn’t changed even one aspect of his life and it’s likely that we are separating due to this. I would be very clear that he owes you this time back at some point. I think it also depends very much on how much other time he takes and how much weight he pulls with his parenting and general running of the household. If he’s out multiple times a week doing hobbies and doesn’t lift a finger at home then things need to change, but if he’s otherwise present and understands you’re making sacrifices so he needs to too, then you’ll be fine. I’d ask him to make sure you’re all stocked up with supplies, does a thorough deep clean (or pays a cleaner) and that he has to make sure he stays in daily contact whilst away as it’s not fair if he isn’t reachable in case of an emergency (although any decent dad should be at least texting to ask how their 4mo is!!!).

This.
The whole thing seems to be based around how can you cope, whilst allowing him to have all his holidays, stag dos and work trips as if he does't have a pregnant wife/newborn at home. You seem to be struggling between being very worried about this and very anxious to demonstrate that you won't stop him having fun/taking opportunities for a break or for work.

BUT
I think the emphasis needs to be placed on what HE is going to do to ensure that you will be able to cope. Why is it all up to you to organise things.
Most particularly the week's holiday just 4 weeks before the birth.
I hope he's going to help work out who will take you to hospital if you go into labour early and is prepared and insured to cancel or come home if you have an emergency.
How often does he plan to be in contact over this time?
Or will you feel obliged not to "bother" him too often on his break?

OP you are pregnant and about to have his child. You shouldn't need to demonstrate that you are a "good sport" - he should be reassuring you about these trips and trying to work through solutions to the things that are concerning you. That is the least he can do under the circumstances.

WonderingWanda · 19/02/2023 14:31

My dh went away for work for a week when my first was 2 weeks old. He had the option to cancel but we both agreed it would be fine. I think lives don't need to stop when you have children. However, if he was going away every weekend and not helping out in between that's a different issue. Or if you wanted to go for 4 nights and he said no, again that would be a problem. If you know you will be fine then why be difficult. Say yes and if nearer the time there is some reason you are struggling e.g PND then you can change the plans.

BungleandGeorge · 19/02/2023 14:31

Movingsoon21 · 19/02/2023 14:06

I’m really shocked by the majority of responses. In my friendship group this would not be seen as ok at all. We have all set the bar much higher for our men!

Why is it setting the bar higher?
do people have to completely give up all hobbies and friends and entertainment because they have a partner or child? It sounds suffocating to me. Looking after one 4 month old is not that difficult but if there are circumstances that make it so it’s fine to reconsider nearer the time

Meandfour · 19/02/2023 14:33

YABU. I don’t see any issue with this.

RubbishAtEverything · 19/02/2023 14:35

It's not the fact that looking after a 4 month old is 'difficult'; it's about whether or not OP will get the chance to go off on solo holidays after having the baby. I'm guessing, as with most women, she won't!

Meandfour · 19/02/2023 14:36

Movingsoon21 · 19/02/2023 14:06

I’m really shocked by the majority of responses. In my friendship group this would not be seen as ok at all. We have all set the bar much higher for our men!

Or they have the bar set very low for “their women”

In my friendship group, we don’t believe we control our adult husbands or that their lives stop once they become fathers.

Moveoverdarlin · 19/02/2023 14:37

Thing is, in those early days, especially if you’re breastfeeding you will probably be doing the lions share of everything anyway. It wouldn’t bother me, in fact, sometimes it makes it easier when you’re on your own with a small baby. You don’t have to factor in proper meals, you can sit on your arse when baby is napping and not feel guilty. It’ll be easier!