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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby, DH and stag do

169 replies

Caz191 · 19/02/2023 11:54

Firsr baby due mid May, DH has been invited on an abroad stag do in September. Obviously I’m fine with him going but originally it was Fri-Sun, he’s just confirmed the dates and it’s Thursday-Sunday and the flight times means he’d be gone 6am on the Thursday until 10pm on the Sunday. Plus I don’t think he’ll be very helpful for at least a day on his return.
I know the baby will be 4 months by then but would it be unreasonable for me to ask him only to do 3 nights? I don’t know if I’m being OTT with it being my first baby and it is only one extra night than he thought. Most stag do’s he goes on are only 2-3 nights, 4 seems quite long. I know I’d manage on my own but I don’t really want to, not sure if I’m being a bit selfish.
He also has a work conference in the US in September too so will be away 4-5 nights then which is unavoidable.

OP posts:
Moraxella · 19/02/2023 13:09

as long as you get a reciprocal 4 day holiday.

IWineAndDontDine · 19/02/2023 13:11

Spanielsarepainless · 19/02/2023 13:03

And couples moan about not being able to afford a house. My hen night was a meal in the local pub with three best friends. The whole thing seems barmy.

🙄 probably all the avocado toast too

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 13:12

Spanielsarepainless · 19/02/2023 13:03

And couples moan about not being able to afford a house. My hen night was a meal in the local pub with three best friends. The whole thing seems barmy.

Most people live together before they're married these days.

Plus you can't buy a house for the price of a weekend away these days.

Paq · 19/02/2023 13:12

YANBU. He's got a baby now. Life will be different. It's a shame you even have to ask him, he should be offering to cut the trip short. A 4 night stag trip is overkill in any case.

Autumn231 · 19/02/2023 13:13

I’d be way more worried about the holiday four weeks before due date!

Marzipangirl3 · 19/02/2023 13:13

I don’t think YABU here to be worried/concerned about this, especially as you’re going to be a first time mum and you don’t know what to expect. I agree with pp that I’d be more concerned about the dynamic within the relationship about his expectations of you as a parent and his actual input. I’ve got a 2mo and DH hasn’t changed even one aspect of his life and it’s likely that we are separating due to this. I would be very clear that he owes you this time back at some point. I think it also depends very much on how much other time he takes and how much weight he pulls with his parenting and general running of the household. If he’s out multiple times a week doing hobbies and doesn’t lift a finger at home then things need to change, but if he’s otherwise present and understands you’re making sacrifices so he needs to too, then you’ll be fine. I’d ask him to make sure you’re all stocked up with supplies, does a thorough deep clean (or pays a cleaner) and that he has to make sure he stays in daily contact whilst away as it’s not fair if he isn’t reachable in case of an emergency (although any decent dad should be at least texting to ask how their 4mo is!!!).

mikado1 · 19/02/2023 13:14

Will you have any other support for these days? If yes and you'll have company and some breaks, no problem, and you can have a break yourself some time, otherwise, I think you're reasonable to ask for the slightly shorter 'weekend'!

casualreader2022 · 19/02/2023 13:15

CanofCant · 19/02/2023 12:28

Mainly though, I'd be worried that this is setting a precedent for OP to handle everything while he checks out of family life on a whim. I could be wrong and doom mongering, hopefully I am. Probably been reading too many threads on here.

This would be my main concern too. He's already going when she's heavily pregnant and then after...and he travels for work.

Whilst four months isn't new, there's huge development and sleep regressions then which can make life really difficult.

I think it's completely normal to be worried. I personally wouldn't stress over one additional night, it would be the trips full stop and leaving you as default parent.

starsinyourpies · 19/02/2023 13:15

Just book yourself an equivalent weekend away since he clearly thinks it's fine!

I wouldn't have a problem with it if I got an equivalent break.

GoodChat · 19/02/2023 13:16

starsinyourpies · 19/02/2023 13:15

Just book yourself an equivalent weekend away since he clearly thinks it's fine!

I wouldn't have a problem with it if I got an equivalent break.

She hasn't said she wants an equivalent weekend away. She probably doesn't want to leave baby for that long considering she's asking if it's ok for him to.

bcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyza · 19/02/2023 13:16

My husband went for a Thursday to Tuesday camping festival for work when son was 12 weeks old. I had help if I wanted or needed it. To be honest I enjoyed it getting into the swing of a routine for when I went back to work.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 19/02/2023 13:20

I wouldn't be miffed at the stag do it's an old friend. (I'm not a fan of all these elaborate stag and hen dos).
The holiday 4 weeks before due date I would ask him to reconsider aka not go.
My niece decided when my BiL was on night shift to make an appearance 5 weeks early (first baby for my sis).
My husband didn't want to go anywhere or 2 far away from when I was around 34 weeks because of this

thegrandolddukeofpork · 19/02/2023 13:27

I might BU to a lot of people but to be honest it would massively put me off if my husband wanted to go on holiday without me a month before our baby was due then again 4 months after. OP when do you get to go on a jolly?
If the stag is for a very close friend or relative then that’s one thing as it’s not something that’s exactly socially acceptable to miss but if it’s just an excuse for an extended piss up without any responsibility then fuck him.

Sounds like he needs to grow up a bit IMO, but the extra night is neither here nor there, if he’s gone for 3 he may as well go for 4.

tryandcountsheep · 19/02/2023 13:27

Autumn231 · 19/02/2023 13:13

I’d be way more worried about the holiday four weeks before due date!

THIS.

A mates holiday weeks before due date? At least stags are part of a pre-wedding , they can't be moved and I can imagine any bloke being a bit pissed off if he can't join in the male rituals of getting married ( getting blind drunk and strip bars)

But a holiday ??

fruitbrewhaha · 19/02/2023 13:34

The stag, you should be fine, buy in some nice food, line up some good films to watch and potter about just the two of you. It could actually be quite nice. By 4 months you should the baby in a routine and know what you’re doing.

But the holiday 4 weeks prior, I’d be concerned. Babies regularly arrive early. 4 weeks is unusual, but not unheard of.

BungleandGeorge · 19/02/2023 13:35

I don’t think you’ll have any problem looking after a 4 month old for a few days without him. It’s in this country so if there’s a problem near the time just ask for a change of plan then

adriftabroad · 19/02/2023 13:35

Totally unreasonable IMO. Just silly.

Sandra1984 · 19/02/2023 13:35

I wouldn't't be fine with it. I would ask him to stay 2 days at stag do because I just had a baby (HIS baby) and I need that extra hand/help. If the baby was older or I had hired help I wouldn't;t have a problem with his 4 days stag do but not the case.

grumpycow1 · 19/02/2023 13:37

I don’t think reducing it to 3 nights will make that much difference TBH. I’d either tell him to reduce it to 1 or 2 for the stag, or leave as is and get some help from family etc. I’d also be making it very clear that you expect to have some time out at some point. And actually book it in so he has time alone with the baby to see what it’s like. Spa day, hair appt, night away if you’re comfortable..

grumpycow1 · 19/02/2023 13:40

Also why has he booked a week away 4 weeks before your due date?? That IS definitely taking the piss. Is it abroad? What if you go into labour early, have you got back up planned?

summerlovingvibes · 19/02/2023 13:41

I feel like for one extra night it will cause a lot of drama for him / really put a dampener on his time away.

Personally, I'd just start planning my own trip for as soon as baby is ok to be left with him (if you're BF etc.) and look forward to some alone time! Haha!

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 19/02/2023 13:42

I wouldn't have been impressed and frankly at that point my DH wouldn't have wanted to be away from our DD and certainly not if he also had to go away for work too. The 4 month sleep regression was hideous for us, I got such little sleep I'd have struggled.

toomuchlaundry · 19/02/2023 13:45

How much annual leave and family money are all these trips taking?

RubbishAtEverything · 19/02/2023 13:46

So his baby hasn't even arrived yet and he's already planning how often he can fuck off and leave you to deal with everything whilst he acts like he has not responsibilities?

Zanatdy · 19/02/2023 13:55

I personally wouldn’t, it’s only 1 extra night