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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Second visit from MIL

167 replies

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 15:51

I posted here a couple of weeks ago after MIL's first visit when she made a few comments about DD's appearance and didn't bring a gift - a lot of posters felt I was BU which in hindsight was fair, and I definitely felt a lot better about things after the immediate post-birth hormone surge had died down but this weekend is MIL's second visit. She's brought along FIL and SIL this time which is nice as they'd not met our 5 week old yet.

SIL arrived last night, stayed with us and had lots of cuddles.

FIL and MIL wanted to get a hotel and stay the whole weekend which is fair enough. They arrived in the car this morning at 11.

MIL held baby for about 20 minutes and at 12 o'clock she announced she was going into town to get her eyebrows done. And was taking SIL as she hasn't been here before, to show her the city.

They're still gone.

Is this weird? Would you travel 3 hours to visit grandchild and then just disappear for hours on end? Or am I again being oversensitive?

I didn't even get chance to suggest we all go - obviously we can't just leave the house on a whim with a newborn but it would have been nice to all go out together?

OP posts:
NEmama · 18/02/2023 15:53

They're giving you space

MrsBunnyEars · 18/02/2023 15:56

Agree it sounds like they’re giving you space. I didn’t see the previous thread so that might not apply if there’s a backstory.

I wouldn’t have liked my ILs staying when o had a newborn (though I love them), and nor would I have been up for getting my eyebrows done.

Many will be different of course, so if that’s the case you could try talking to her about what you fancy doing if you haven’t already?

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 16:00

It could be that - but for context, they live over 3 hours drive away so we never see them. Not sure we'd be reasonable in wanting space from close we never see?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 18/02/2023 16:02

It's weird they didn't invite you

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2023 16:05

Your MIL could really give you something to complain about, so consider yourself lucky.

smileladiesplease · 18/02/2023 16:12

I think honestly you are overthinking everything far too much. Sil sounds nice. Mil isn't crowding you. Why not look around a new city?

Your mil has had a baby before it's not new. It's exciting to have a grandchild (I have 2) but I gave my kids space too. Newborns don't need total adoration from all the family all the time really do they.

We didn't buy gifts either. Set up a isa far more sensible

Bababear987 · 18/02/2023 16:15

I think you're being over sensitive here.

They are giving you space with a new born and trying not to upset your routine. If you wanted to go you shoulve just said casually "oh I'll maybe come I'd like out of the house" or something like that.

They cant sit in the whole weekend and just stare at the baby if it was me I'd feel like I'm getting under your feet.

Theyve probs went out got nails done (around 45mins+) then maybe had lunch or a coffee, if theres travel time inbetween that's not really that long.

35965a · 18/02/2023 16:17

I think it’s fine to be honest, better than them suffocating you for days.

Bababear987 · 18/02/2023 16:17

Eyebrows sorry not nails but still the appt itself could be easily 30mins.

Think yourself lucky they arent sitting around being a nightmare

Lindsaylosing · 18/02/2023 16:18

Honestly I would count your blessings. Maybe she remembers being inundated with visitors when she had a child and wants to give you space.

picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2023 16:20

Can I advise you to stop thinking about it, and accept things as they come?

People are different. Family cultures are different. Stop expecting them to behave the way you would, and make the best of how they are.

It sounds like you won't have to worry about them taking root on your sofa and needing to be regularly fed and watered. You won't have to manage heaps of plastic Tat or clothes that aren't to your taste, or your MiL trying to teach the baby to call her mummy or whisk her off in the pram for hours.

There are many worse ways for relatives to behave, and you really don't know what they are thinking, so let it go. It is what it is.

plumduck · 18/02/2023 16:20

Seems absolutely fair enough. Giving you space

Eastereggsboxedupready · 18/02/2023 16:21

Surely that is a better scenario that mil still sat there holding your dc??

worried4698643 · 18/02/2023 16:23

She can't win, can she?

If she hadn't left the house, you would be moaning. She gives you space, still not winning !

PinkSyCo · 18/02/2023 16:26

Going by what I read on Mumsnet I think a lot of MIL’s just can’t win whatever they do. Yours sounds like she’s probably been reading Mumsnet and has decided it’s probably safer to err on the side of not crowding you as it’s those in-laws who inspire the most wrath it seems.

Languagelanguage · 18/02/2023 16:30

It's odd if you're expected to produce the baby at an unknown later hour at her convenience.

It's an odd way for family to behave if they're coming to see you. Not even to invite you is harsh and doesn't suggest a caring family member.

I would accept they just don't have the commitment or compassion to do much in the way of being family. Don't expect anything and do exactly what suits you.

Weatherwax13 · 18/02/2023 16:32

Honestly the number of threads on here about MILs who want to stay for days on end, sitting about criticising the new mother or swooping in on the baby and literally refusing to hand it back.
. Or who've even decorated a nursery at their own home and have cracked it when they're not allowed to carry the baby off for sleepovers .
Try looking a few of these threads up! Stop overthinking and enjoy your baby.

mrsbyers · 18/02/2023 16:34

You seem determined to be critical , if they’d sat with you in the house all day you’d post saying they’re suffocating you !

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 18/02/2023 16:39

They've come for a weekend away shopping etc. They will pop in and see you whilst they are there.

Be grateful, nod and smile.

Now you know how they roll you won't be surprised next time.

Gazelda · 18/02/2023 16:43

It sounds to me as though she's been reading MN and taken on board posters comments on threads about overbearing MILs.

The general consensus seems to be that MILs should not demand too much time. Shouldn't over-stay their welcome. Shouldn't want to cling onto baby too long. Shouldn't be in the way of the baby and parents bonding time. Shouldn't interfere or pass comment about parenting styles.

I think she's trying to be a good MIL.

Crunchymum · 18/02/2023 16:47

I didn't read your other thread so not sure what the comments were but you sound OTT and very "PFB". Your SIL has been with you overnight so she's seen plenty of the baby?

The sad but true fact is that no-one really cares as much as you do about your new baby. Your SIL has come to see the baby, and the city. Your MIL is also killing two birds with one stone.

Where is your FIL? What are the plans for the rest of the weekend?

EmmaDilemma5 · 18/02/2023 16:51

Sorry, but I think you're being oversensitive again.

Look, your MIL will love your child. Over time they will build a lovely bond. But your baby is a newborn. They don't do much. They're cute, but they're not anybody else whole world except yours and your husband's.

She wants to enjoy her weekend. So presumably she's seen you guys briefly, off to town to have a good few hours with her daughter, then back to yours for dinner?

MILs can't get it right. Either too much time suffocating DIL or not enough time. Just relax and enjoy the time to yourself before they get back.

girlfriend44 · 18/02/2023 16:53

worried4698643 · 18/02/2023 16:23

She can't win, can she?

If she hadn't left the house, you would be moaning. She gives you space, still not winning !

This.

smileladiesplease · 18/02/2023 16:54

We have a nursery at our house for the grandchildren to stop over. Been having them on a rota weekly basis to help out since baby 5/6 weeks old.

Only on mumsnet do I ever read parents not begging for this help. Christ if my mum of mil had offered I would hand bitten their hand off. Hey

Your mil sounds fine op.

FourFour · 18/02/2023 16:56

worried4698643 · 18/02/2023 16:23

She can't win, can she?

If she hadn't left the house, you would be moaning. She gives you space, still not winning !

This! Baby is 5 weeks old and probably sleeping or feeding most of the time, what do you want them to do? The absolute last thing I wanted to do when my baby was 5 weeks was have the energy to make conversation or host people.. and I have an 11 week old and still feel the same! Would you really have wanted to go out with them for hours and hours and leave your baby at home?