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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Second visit from MIL

167 replies

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 15:51

I posted here a couple of weeks ago after MIL's first visit when she made a few comments about DD's appearance and didn't bring a gift - a lot of posters felt I was BU which in hindsight was fair, and I definitely felt a lot better about things after the immediate post-birth hormone surge had died down but this weekend is MIL's second visit. She's brought along FIL and SIL this time which is nice as they'd not met our 5 week old yet.

SIL arrived last night, stayed with us and had lots of cuddles.

FIL and MIL wanted to get a hotel and stay the whole weekend which is fair enough. They arrived in the car this morning at 11.

MIL held baby for about 20 minutes and at 12 o'clock she announced she was going into town to get her eyebrows done. And was taking SIL as she hasn't been here before, to show her the city.

They're still gone.

Is this weird? Would you travel 3 hours to visit grandchild and then just disappear for hours on end? Or am I again being oversensitive?

I didn't even get chance to suggest we all go - obviously we can't just leave the house on a whim with a newborn but it would have been nice to all go out together?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 18/02/2023 17:00

sorry but you do sound like hard work. they are likely giving you space.

Rupiduti · 18/02/2023 17:03

This is normal in my family. My brother lives a good 3.5 hr drive from me, my parents even further. When we go to stay we just kind of dip in and out. Normally one planned day and the rest it'll be like 'just popping to the shop, anyone need anything'
Or 'I'll take DNiece to the park, happy to go alone or if someone wants to come that's cool'

We don't live in each others pockets. Newborns are cute, I love a newborn snuggle, but they don't do much reallt do they!

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 17:10

Thanks for all your comments. Clearly IABU to expect to spend time with family when they come to visit. I should have suggested we all go out somewhere nice, but that would have been incompatible with getting brows done/shopping.

Will lower expectations and wait until baby is more interesting to do more.

OP posts:
smileladiesplease · 18/02/2023 17:26

My sympathy is all with your mil op.

MzHz · 18/02/2023 17:28

My dad flew all the way across the Atlantic for the weekend and then didn’t even go round to see his new gc until the following day for a couple of hours then spent the next day shopping and flew back home.

TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2023 17:30

Babies aren’t very interesting or exciting for others. I know, it’s hard to believe and you probably think your baby is the exception.

I agree that she probably can’t win and most new mothers don’t want to feel suffocated by guests and appreciate being given space. If you search, you will find countless posts about the MILs who visit and hold the baby for hours on end whilst getting in the way. Your MIL is probably aware this is a cluster feeding time that you need to still be doing skin to skin and just enjoying bonding. You don’t want guests and having to feel the need to look after them - or at least, that’s normally what new mothers think.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 18/02/2023 17:32

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 17:10

Thanks for all your comments. Clearly IABU to expect to spend time with family when they come to visit. I should have suggested we all go out somewhere nice, but that would have been incompatible with getting brows done/shopping.

Will lower expectations and wait until baby is more interesting to do more.

But did you suggest that before they arrived? Because if you said nothing then maybe they thought you didn’t want to go out all day, in feb, with a 5 week old.

she’s taking her cues from you. You are looking for something to be offended by.

Languagelanguage · 18/02/2023 18:03

The replies on here are bonkers. I think MN is becoming gransnet and it should be made more clear that must responses are probably from people in the mil's demographic. Who expects to visit for a weekend and then leaves the new mum by herself without even a "You know you're more than welcome to come with"? Really rude and uncompassionate. There is a way to 'give space' that also extends the hand of friendship.

Easternext · 18/02/2023 18:20

NEmama · 18/02/2023 15:53

They're giving you space

Space after an hour visit?

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 18:35

Languagelanguage · 18/02/2023 18:03

The replies on here are bonkers. I think MN is becoming gransnet and it should be made more clear that must responses are probably from people in the mil's demographic. Who expects to visit for a weekend and then leaves the new mum by herself without even a "You know you're more than welcome to come with"? Really rude and uncompassionate. There is a way to 'give space' that also extends the hand of friendship.

Thank you! I regretted posting as it seems like I'm the bad guy if you read most of the replies.

But it was so weird - they arrived, she held baby for a little bit and then it was "Right, here's baby back. I'm off to get my brows done. SIL are you coming?". Shoes on and out the door before we realised what had happened.

Yes it's no fun with such a little baby and she may have thought we would want space or not want to go, but it would have been nice to have a discussion. In fact, our baby is really good and I'm EBF so have already been out and about with her a lot - including in town.

FIL held her for a bit and then spent the rest of the afternoon asleep on our sofa. So we were stuck in for the day with DD and their dog. So much for a family visit!

OP posts:
smileladiesplease · 18/02/2023 18:35

Mumsnet is becoming gransnet!!

Maybe you have a point as I was a mum on mumsnet all those years ago and now a gran.

However that said all my years on here snd in RL tell me that this mil sounds good to me and this dil sounds tricky and very hard to please. Just my opinion though.

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 18:40

smileladiesplease · 18/02/2023 18:35

Mumsnet is becoming gransnet!!

Maybe you have a point as I was a mum on mumsnet all those years ago and now a gran.

However that said all my years on here snd in RL tell me that this mil sounds good to me and this dil sounds tricky and very hard to please. Just my opinion though.

Can I ask how I am hard to please? Isn't the bare minimum that you would expect from a visit to actually see your visitors? To catch up and see how they are? I agree that DD is not very interesting right now but we have plenty of time in-between naps and feeds to catch up properly with family. Is that too much to ask?

OP posts:
KillingLoneliness · 18/02/2023 18:47

If your DH was home I think it’s a shame they didn’t invite you to tag along and join them to give you a little bit of time away from the baby yourself, it can be really isolating being a first time mum and it’s nice to have an opportunity to get out of the house for a few hours.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/02/2023 18:53

They brought their dog too????

I'd be putting a stop to that for starters. They are most welcome. Their pets, not so much.

When your baby is so little, you do not need to involve pets (unless it is your own dog/cat in question) but as you mentioned @BettyOop99 , FiL and dog were left behind while MiL & SiL went to get their eyebrows done.

That is very strange and as @Languagelanguage posted, there is a way to give a new mother and baby space without being so rude while doing it.

Anyway, I hope they have returned with eyebrows that look like Spock from Star Trek! (that's a joke by the way for anyone who might be missing their funny bone)

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 18:58

Yes they did - as FIL slept all afternoon, it sort of felt like we were being used as dog sitters. Fantastic when you've got a 5 week old as well.

But as most posters would have it, I'm the hard to please, OTT DIL...

OP posts:
Hemax1 · 18/02/2023 19:05

I really don’t think you are the ott dil. I would also have been fuming if relatives I didn’t see turned up and then within twenty minutes had disappeared without any time to make joint plans. Your in laws in my opinion are out of line there. I would be left gobsmacked by this !

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/02/2023 19:12

picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2023 16:20

Can I advise you to stop thinking about it, and accept things as they come?

People are different. Family cultures are different. Stop expecting them to behave the way you would, and make the best of how they are.

It sounds like you won't have to worry about them taking root on your sofa and needing to be regularly fed and watered. You won't have to manage heaps of plastic Tat or clothes that aren't to your taste, or your MiL trying to teach the baby to call her mummy or whisk her off in the pram for hours.

There are many worse ways for relatives to behave, and you really don't know what they are thinking, so let it go. It is what it is.

Very good advice. Above

Try distracting yourself.. watch a film whilst feeding. Relax at the thought that you don't have to make polite conversation for hours on end.

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 19:12

Thanks @Hemax1

I know MILs get stick for a lot of things and I was guilty of being overcritical after her first visit, but this was unbelievable to me. I ended up taking baby out for some fresh air myself before it got dark as I was fuming that we kept the day free to see them for no reason at all.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 18/02/2023 19:13

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 18/02/2023 17:32

But did you suggest that before they arrived? Because if you said nothing then maybe they thought you didn’t want to go out all day, in feb, with a 5 week old.

she’s taking her cues from you. You are looking for something to be offended by.

Show quote history

This x 100%

You MiL has clearly read any one of the hundreds of thousands of threads on MN complaining about MiLs 'taking over' ....... 'staying to long' ....... 'wanting to hold the baby all the time' ..... 'expecting us to drop everything to entertain her' ...... etc etc etc.

She thought you might want a bit of space.
Poor woman clearly can't do right for doing wrong here.

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 19:23

UsingChangeofName · 18/02/2023 19:13

This x 100%

You MiL has clearly read any one of the hundreds of thousands of threads on MN complaining about MiLs 'taking over' ....... 'staying to long' ....... 'wanting to hold the baby all the time' ..... 'expecting us to drop everything to entertain her' ...... etc etc etc.

She thought you might want a bit of space.
Poor woman clearly can't do right for doing wrong here.

Show quote history

Well the "poor woman" had a lovely afternoon out shopping and self pampering whilst we watched her dog. After driving 3.5 hours to "see her GC, DS and DIL" or not.

Never mind.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2023 19:24

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 19:23

Well the "poor woman" had a lovely afternoon out shopping and self pampering whilst we watched her dog. After driving 3.5 hours to "see her GC, DS and DIL" or not.

Never mind.

Show quote history

I think you are just annoyed because you want people to agree with you and nobody is. Perhaps you should reflect that how you are feeling is the minority and try to see it another way.

MabelHatesBagel · 18/02/2023 19:28

I totally understand, OP! I don't know why you're getting such a hard time! Confused

Most of the time with MIL visits, you'd expect people to be posting about being annoyed at MIL refusing to give the baby back, but you've got the opposite problem! It would have been nice of her to let you know she had an appointment booked at the very least. Is there nowhere that does eyebrows where she lives? Hmm

It's sad, but at least you know you can put in a similar amount of effort when seeing/visiting them!

smileladiesplease · 18/02/2023 19:50

Op the thing is In mumsnet land your mil.... left you to it! Seriously that's not bad for here.

Google mad mumsnet mils and honestly op you will feel better it's very funny.

You are not really getting a hard time by mumsnet standards but if you ask for honest opinions you get them.

Sparemyblushesplease · 18/02/2023 19:54

TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2023 19:24

I think you are just annoyed because you want people to agree with you and nobody is. Perhaps you should reflect that how you are feeling is the minority and try to see it another way.

Show quote history

I don't agree with you at all snowy owl. Do you really think it wouldn't have been more considerate for the mil to extend an invitation, given this day had been earmarked for family? Or at least to have given an indication of when she'd be back? Leaving the fil to snooze and dog there is just the height of rudeness. Let the op keep her self respect and know what courtesy looks like. She doesn't have to put up with crap just because. If this is how you treat your dils I'm surprised if they like you.

HungryandIknowit · 18/02/2023 20:00

My PILs stayed all day for 4 days straight when baby was 5 days old. I would have been delighted to have been in your shoes. It does sound like she may be trying to give you space.