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Original poster

Second visit from MIL

167 replies

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 15:51

I posted here a couple of weeks ago after MIL's first visit when she made a few comments about DD's appearance and didn't bring a gift - a lot of posters felt I was BU which in hindsight was fair, and I definitely felt a lot better about things after the immediate post-birth hormone surge had died down but this weekend is MIL's second visit. She's brought along FIL and SIL this time which is nice as they'd not met our 5 week old yet.

SIL arrived last night, stayed with us and had lots of cuddles.

FIL and MIL wanted to get a hotel and stay the whole weekend which is fair enough. They arrived in the car this morning at 11.

MIL held baby for about 20 minutes and at 12 o'clock she announced she was going into town to get her eyebrows done. And was taking SIL as she hasn't been here before, to show her the city.

They're still gone.

Is this weird? Would you travel 3 hours to visit grandchild and then just disappear for hours on end? Or am I again being oversensitive?

I didn't even get chance to suggest we all go - obviously we can't just leave the house on a whim with a newborn but it would have been nice to all go out together?

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 18/02/2023 20:01

@BettyOop99 I am on your side on this OP and I am a fairly new MIL and GP. How rude and thoughtless of your in laws. Especially the FIL asleep and dog thing.
I hope you let them know how 'disappointed' you were when they got back and not to bother again if that's what they are going to do.

UsingChangeofName · 18/02/2023 20:02

TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2023 19:24

I think you are just annoyed because you want people to agree with you and nobody is. Perhaps you should reflect that how you are feeling is the minority and try to see it another way.

Show quote history

Yup

Liorae · 18/02/2023 20:08

It sounds like you feel uncomfortable with each other. A bit of space is a good thing in that case?

MWNA · 18/02/2023 20:10

I just love LOVE these types of threads and these types of OPs!
Comes on so certain of her stance and fully expects approbation and assent.
Instead, largely gets arse handed to them and gets stroppier with every post!
So enjoyably predictable.

smileladiesplease · 18/02/2023 20:12

I want the dogs view.

Also do men really sleep all afternoon on someone else's sofa? In RL? Sounds like an episode of last Tango in Halifax.

MavisMcMinty · 18/02/2023 20:15

Goodness me. They sound like perfect guests to me, not overwhelming you, not expecting you to make them 3 meals a day plus snacks while looking after a very young baby, giving you space. Seriously, you need to get over this dislike of your baby’s grandmother, I read your last thread with bafflement too.

cantgetabus · 18/02/2023 20:16

MWNA · 18/02/2023 20:10

I just love LOVE these types of threads and these types of OPs!
Comes on so certain of her stance and fully expects approbation and assent.
Instead, largely gets arse handed to them and gets stroppier with every post!
So enjoyably predictable.

Some of you are being unnecessarily mean to the OP. I can't see that she's getting stroppy.

cantgetabus · 18/02/2023 20:17

MWNA · 18/02/2023 20:10

I just love LOVE these types of threads and these types of OPs!
Comes on so certain of her stance and fully expects approbation and assent.
Instead, largely gets arse handed to them and gets stroppier with every post!
So enjoyably predictable.

Actually, I think you're actually being a bit spiteful.

ImAvingOops · 18/02/2023 20:18

I think it would have helped if you'd included in the first post that she left Fil and the dog behind - that's not giving you space, that's using you as a babysitter for the pair of them while she goes shopping!
Also rude as fuck to swan off after 40 minutes and not even ask if you would like to go with them!

I hope you aren't cooking for them this evening or tomorrow!

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 18/02/2023 20:18

Do you think maybe you are hard work/make them feel that you need space?

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 20:21

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 19:23

Well the "poor woman" had a lovely afternoon out shopping and self pampering whilst we watched her dog. After driving 3.5 hours to "see her GC, DS and DIL" or not.

Never mind.

Show quote history

Do you think it’s possible you aren’t very welcoming OP? If you didn’t want them to go or wanted to go too why didn’t you speak up? You sound jealous that your MIL was out enjoying herself. I really don’t know anyone is meant to do here to please you at all.

DoNotGetADog · 18/02/2023 20:29

HungryandIknowit · 18/02/2023 20:00

My PILs stayed all day for 4 days straight when baby was 5 days old. I would have been delighted to have been in your shoes. It does sound like she may be trying to give you space.

I think there’s quite a bit of ground between leaving after half an hour to get your eyebrows done, and unwantedly staying 4 days though!

OP YANBU

LookItsMeAgain · 18/02/2023 20:34

smileladiesplease · 18/02/2023 20:12

I want the dogs view.

Also do men really sleep all afternoon on someone else's sofa? In RL? Sounds like an episode of last Tango in Halifax.

My FiL will fall asleep during the afternoon on any one of our sofas if he's visiting. I don't have a baby anymore (my kids are teenagers) but yes, it's possible.

When they go, please ask your DH/DP what he thought of their visit? Also try to get him onside about them not bringing the dog in future.

smileladiesplease · 18/02/2023 20:37

Still want the dogs view :)

also a pic of mils new eyebrows. :)

PurpleParrots · 18/02/2023 20:43

Congratulations on the birth of your baby OP 💐

YANBU

I have 7 grandchildren and 2 DIL’s. The other 2 GC are my DD’s. I try to not overstep the mark when visiting a newborn GC. MIL’s are always treading on dodgy ground. However, I wouldn’t travel 3 hours to meet a GC for a few minutes and then disappear into town to get my eyebrows done. That’s not on 😞

Just wanted to offer some support to you and hope you never have to depend on these GP’s for childcare. Enjoy your first baby OP. He is precious 💕

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 20:49

MWNA · 18/02/2023 20:10

I just love LOVE these types of threads and these types of OPs!
Comes on so certain of her stance and fully expects approbation and assent.
Instead, largely gets arse handed to them and gets stroppier with every post!
So enjoyably predictable.

You sound lovely.

Yes I find it weird that MIL came to see GC and disappeared an hour into the visit to go to town for a lovely day out. Thought we'd spend the day as a family, but I was wrong.

Yes I find it rude that MIL left us to dog sit whilst FIL slept on the sofa.

Yes I thought people would agree that it was all a bit nuts - I was wrong on that front.

Yes I know things could be worse.

I find it easier to post here than to talk to my family/friends as I don't want to colour their views on my in-laws and treat them any differently.

But I've learnt my lesson. In future I won't post as it only seems to get me more annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 20:51

Thanks @PurpleParrots xx

OP posts:
M08my · 18/02/2023 20:55

FWIW I am of the 30% that says yanbu.

It is frankly bizarre that your mil came the first time without a present (I didn't read the first thread). People can say I'm entitled but it's just true, the majority of grandmothers I know would have been shopping before baby was born and be so excited for the baby to try on the (possibly impractical) mittens they'd bought, or alternatively some precious handmedown blanket or whatever. They're behaving more like acquaintances eg neighbours. But even my neighbours had a baby cardigan to give my dd when they first met her.

I couldn't get worked up about them leaving you alone with the baby after 20 mins, because guests are hard work, but it is strange that they'd be so gleeful about eyebrows instead of the baby.

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 20:56

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 20:49

You sound lovely.

Yes I find it weird that MIL came to see GC and disappeared an hour into the visit to go to town for a lovely day out. Thought we'd spend the day as a family, but I was wrong.

Yes I find it rude that MIL left us to dog sit whilst FIL slept on the sofa.

Yes I thought people would agree that it was all a bit nuts - I was wrong on that front.

Yes I know things could be worse.

I find it easier to post here than to talk to my family/friends as I don't want to colour their views on my in-laws and treat them any differently.

But I've learnt my lesson. In future I won't post as it only seems to get me more annoyed.

Show quote history

Do you like your in laws? It doesn’t seem like you do. People can pick up on that you know. Maybe you are very warm and welcoming in real life but you really aren’t giving out those vibes here. Is it possible your MIL felt you didn’t want her there? Are you quite prescriptive in terms of how people interact with the baby? Just feels like there are a lot of gaps. If I had driven 3 hours and didn’t feel like my presence was anything more than just tolerated tbh I would probably go out and get my eyebrows done too rather than stay and risk a row with the mother of a new born who didn’t seem to want me there.

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 20:58

And again OP why didn’t you say oh I thought we’d do something together today instead of immediately taking offence and going off on an online strop? A lot of passive aggressive behaviour, which a lot of people just cba with

tobeornottobe1 · 18/02/2023 20:59

OP I wouldn't comment just yet, as you've got all day tomorrow to get through as well? After tomorrow maybe today won't seem so bad 😬

ensayers · 18/02/2023 21:02

Maybe mil or sil can only tolerate you or DH or kids for short periods of time?
If you didn't live so far away maybe they would of just popped round for a couple of hours instead of whole weekend, but because they came so far it doesn't feel right to stay 2 hours then drive home.

The reason I've never been to my brother's house, which is 3 hours away, is because after the first hour there would be a lot of silence and I'd be trying to think of excuses to leave, but it's so far away that a one hour stay feels wrong.

soraya · 18/02/2023 21:06

What I think is unreasonable is that a family member wants to stay with you when you have a 5 week old. also good that they went out so that you don't have to cook them lunch when you have enough to do and probably getting up feeding during the night. If this was their plan then they should have mentioned it to you so that you didn't rush around buying food etc.

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 21:07

@Eyerollcentral

Thanks for your comments. Maybe I'm not the most warm and enthusiastic person ever but we got on well before baby arrived. MIL has met her twice now - the first time she was just a few days old and I was absolutely wrecked by the C-section and lack of sleep. If I came across cold on that occasion, I didn't mean to. But she held baby lots (I'm not precious of that) and seemed happy enough. Not sure I had time to come across sulky today before she left.

And I conceded I should have arranged for us all to do something beforehand. But it all happened so fast - literally she handed me back the baby, got her shoes on and was out the door. Honestly! FIL didn't even know she was going to get her brows done and missed her saying so, it happened so fast.

OP posts:
Original poster
BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 21:12

ensayers · 18/02/2023 21:02

Maybe mil or sil can only tolerate you or DH or kids for short periods of time?
If you didn't live so far away maybe they would of just popped round for a couple of hours instead of whole weekend, but because they came so far it doesn't feel right to stay 2 hours then drive home.

The reason I've never been to my brother's house, which is 3 hours away, is because after the first hour there would be a lot of silence and I'd be trying to think of excuses to leave, but it's so far away that a one hour stay feels wrong.

Not sure that's the reason - they were all keen to come and stay with us at Christmas, but we had to cancel (with a month's notice) due to complications with my pregnancy and baby was born early. We hosted them for Christmas 2021 all day though.

OP posts: