Page 4 | Second visit from MIL

BettyOop99 · 2023-02-18T15:51:50+00:00

I posted here a couple of weeks ago after MIL's first visit when she made a few comments about DD's appearance and didn't bring a gift - a lot of posters felt I was BU which in hindsight was fair, and I definitely felt a lot better about things after the immediate post-birth hormone surge had died down but this weekend is MIL's second visit. She's brought along FIL and SIL this time which is nice as they'd not met our 5 week old yet. SIL arrived last night, stayed with us and had lots of cuddles. FIL and MIL wanted to get a hotel and stay the whole weekend which is fair enough. They arrived in the car this morning at 11. MIL held baby for about 20 minutes and at 12 o'clock she announced she was going into town to get her eyebrows done. And was taking SIL as she hasn't been here before, to show her the city. They're still gone. Is this weird? Would you travel 3 hours to visit grandchild and then just disappear for hours on end? Or am I again being oversensitive? I didn't even get chance to suggest we all go - obviously we can't just leave the house on a whim with a newborn but it would have been nice to all go out together?

smileladiesplease · 18/02/2023 21:15

I think you have too high expectations of you and others. Chill. You can't change people but you can accept both yourself and others.

Parenting is a marathon not a sprint so enjoy it.

Sparemyblushesplease · 18/02/2023 21:21

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 20:58

And again OP why didn’t you say oh I thought we’d do something together today instead of immediately taking offence and going off on an online strop? A lot of passive aggressive behaviour, which a lot of people just cba with

That's so unfair. She's a new mother. No one could have predicted such oddness let alone how to manage it.

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 21:22

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 21:07

@Eyerollcentral

Thanks for your comments. Maybe I'm not the most warm and enthusiastic person ever but we got on well before baby arrived. MIL has met her twice now - the first time she was just a few days old and I was absolutely wrecked by the C-section and lack of sleep. If I came across cold on that occasion, I didn't mean to. But she held baby lots (I'm not precious of that) and seemed happy enough. Not sure I had time to come across sulky today before she left.

And I conceded I should have arranged for us all to do something beforehand. But it all happened so fast - literally she handed me back the baby, got her shoes on and was out the door. Honestly! FIL didn't even know she was going to get her brows done and missed her saying so, it happened so fast.

Were you welcoming when they arrived this weekend? I mean obvs No one expects you to roll out the red carpet when you have just had a c section and that kind of disingenuous reply does somewhat give the impression you may be spiky in real life. If you haven’t organised or discussed what people wanted to do over the weekend I don’t think you can be very surprised if they make their own arrangements, I know you have a very young baby but two seconds sends a WhatsApp in the family group saying looking forward to seeing you at weekend, what does everyone fancy doing Saturday (baby dependant of course!)? Or even better asking your partner to raise it with them before they arrived. Also unless your mil is the flash she wasn’t gone and out the door in ten seconds or less. All you had to say was shall I come too? Give me ten minutes to get ready or ok we’ll how about I meet you both in an hour or two and we can have a walk or grab a coffee?

StarsSand · 18/02/2023 21:29

Oh my goodness.

I would have given ANYTHING for my MIL to have held the baby for 20 minutes before politely fucking off to give me some space.

I had PIL parked on my sofa making my life a misery on a daily basis and it contributed to me developing PND.

It's good manners to keep visits short with a newborn.

jannier · 18/02/2023 21:37

Maybe she's on here and read the numerous anti mil and nobody can visit posts so is trying to follow advice.

Original poster

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 21:38

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 21:22

Were you welcoming when they arrived this weekend? I mean obvs No one expects you to roll out the red carpet when you have just had a c section and that kind of disingenuous reply does somewhat give the impression you may be spiky in real life. If you haven’t organised or discussed what people wanted to do over the weekend I don’t think you can be very surprised if they make their own arrangements, I know you have a very young baby but two seconds sends a WhatsApp in the family group saying looking forward to seeing you at weekend, what does everyone fancy doing Saturday (baby dependant of course!)? Or even better asking your partner to raise it with them before they arrived. Also unless your mil is the flash she wasn’t gone and out the door in ten seconds or less. All you had to say was shall I come too? Give me ten minutes to get ready or ok we’ll how about I meet you both in an hour or two and we can have a walk or grab a coffee?

Show quote history

Again, I agree that I should have said something or asked to come too, or even better, arranged something beforehand - but DH arranged everything (I'm not on the family WA) and I said previously I can't be spontaneous and just up and leave baby as she is breastfed, so she would have to come too. And also - getting brows done isn't a family activity, so not sure we would have been welcome anyway?

I haven't been spiky or unwelcoming to them though, at least never intentionally. FIL was happy enough to snooze anyway.

OP posts:

Googlelafy · 18/02/2023 21:39

I cannot get over that your mother in law did not buy a gift for her grand daughter. She clearly came for a shopping trip but surely could have spent more than 20 minutes with her grandchild. I feel the same as you. You are NOT unreasonable.

Jdjdntbhh · 18/02/2023 21:44

Giving you space to have a snooze and not overwhelm you?

Original poster

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 21:45

Thanks @Googlelafy

This is exactly what I think, unfortunately. They bought lots of nice things in town and she's going back tomorrow. When they came back, SIL (who did buy a gift) wanted baby back but MIL was only interested in having dinner. It does sting but maybe she's just not a baby person. Not every grandparent is - I'll just have to get over it.

OP posts:

Sparemyblushesplease · 18/02/2023 21:45

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 21:22

Were you welcoming when they arrived this weekend? I mean obvs No one expects you to roll out the red carpet when you have just had a c section and that kind of disingenuous reply does somewhat give the impression you may be spiky in real life. If you haven’t organised or discussed what people wanted to do over the weekend I don’t think you can be very surprised if they make their own arrangements, I know you have a very young baby but two seconds sends a WhatsApp in the family group saying looking forward to seeing you at weekend, what does everyone fancy doing Saturday (baby dependant of course!)? Or even better asking your partner to raise it with them before they arrived. Also unless your mil is the flash she wasn’t gone and out the door in ten seconds or less. All you had to say was shall I come too? Give me ten minutes to get ready or ok we’ll how about I meet you both in an hour or two and we can have a walk or grab a coffee?

Show quote history

WTF was disingenuous about that?

This is just bullying.

She doesn't have to be an events manager just because her in-laws are coming over.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 18/02/2023 21:46

Who is sorting the evening meal tonight op? Did mil bring cakes back? A gift? Flowers? Seems her visit is a box ticking trip to tell people she came..

Sparemyblushesplease · 18/02/2023 21:46

And eye roll, you sound super spikey!

NosieRosie · 18/02/2023 21:50

YANBU

What grandparent travels to meet their gc and then spends most of their time in town without the gc or the parent? It beggars belief!

The only people your dc can count on is their parents OP. Anyone else will visit to suit their own agenda

pizzaHeart · 18/02/2023 21:51

I’ve read a few pages and can’t understand why you’re getting such a hard time here. Of course you expect your in-laws to come and see you, their son and their GDC. There is a perfect medium between trying to take baby away from her parents and just looking at her for a few minutes. Your MIL could chat with you, take baby for a walk, watch her sleep, cook you a special dish or whatever. It looked like she just needed to get rid of FiL and their dog for a day to do shopping with her daughter. PPs were saying that your MIL couldn’t win, well she could, simply by behaving like a normal grandma without any sort of extremities.

Original poster

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 21:52

Eastereggsboxedupready · 18/02/2023 21:46

Who is sorting the evening meal tonight op? Did mil bring cakes back? A gift? Flowers? Seems her visit is a box ticking trip to tell people she came..

MIL and SIL brought some bits back for dinner and DH went out for the rest. I'll be sure to be eternally grateful!

OP posts:

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 21:53

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 21:38

Again, I agree that I should have said something or asked to come too, or even better, arranged something beforehand - but DH arranged everything (I'm not on the family WA) and I said previously I can't be spontaneous and just up and leave baby as she is breastfed, so she would have to come too. And also - getting brows done isn't a family activity, so not sure we would have been welcome anyway?

I haven't been spiky or unwelcoming to them though, at least never intentionally. FIL was happy enough to snooze anyway.

Show quote history

But you could have taken the baby and gotten your own brows done, had a look round the shops, had a bite to eat all three of you. It’s just really about spending time together isn’t it? Or are you saying you only wanted them to stay at home all day. You do have a five week old baby so it would be completely understandable if you did. Do you not contact your mil or SIL yourself at all? Not sure saying FIL was happy enough to spend afternoon snoozing on my couch is the best comparison to show your friendliness OP, the man was unconscious! It doesn’t sound like you are particularly close with your in laws to begin with. Saying I have not intentionally been rude or cold to them is not the same as saying I extended the same warm welcome to my home as I do to all visitors. Some people just don’t like to be stuck at home all day, I have family members like that, is that the kind of personality your MIL has? It can be annoying but I think lack of communication is the biggest problem here, not deliberate snubs. As others have said they may have thought she doesn’t want us sitting looking at her all day expecting food and entertainment. Newborn babies are of course beautiful but twenty mins at a time probably max for anyone bar the parents to gaze at a likely sleeping baby.

pizzaHeart · 18/02/2023 21:55

@Eyerollcentral
I’ve thought that OP provided them entertainment - she gave birth to their grandchild whom they came to see. They didn’t come because of local architecture, did they ?

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 21:58

pizzaHeart · 18/02/2023 21:55

@Eyerollcentral
I’ve thought that OP provided them entertainment - she gave birth to their grandchild whom they came to see. They didn’t come because of local architecture, did they ?

I don’t see a baby as entertainment but ok… let me explain it to you another way as you are attempting to be obtuse, maybe the in laws didn’t want her to feel that in addition to caring for a newborn she also had to entertain them all day meaning feed, hydrate and stimulate.

Sparemyblushesplease · 18/02/2023 21:59

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 21:53

But you could have taken the baby and gotten your own brows done, had a look round the shops, had a bite to eat all three of you. It’s just really about spending time together isn’t it? Or are you saying you only wanted them to stay at home all day. You do have a five week old baby so it would be completely understandable if you did. Do you not contact your mil or SIL yourself at all? Not sure saying FIL was happy enough to spend afternoon snoozing on my couch is the best comparison to show your friendliness OP, the man was unconscious! It doesn’t sound like you are particularly close with your in laws to begin with. Saying I have not intentionally been rude or cold to them is not the same as saying I extended the same warm welcome to my home as I do to all visitors. Some people just don’t like to be stuck at home all day, I have family members like that, is that the kind of personality your MIL has? It can be annoying but I think lack of communication is the biggest problem here, not deliberate snubs. As others have said they may have thought she doesn’t want us sitting looking at her all day expecting food and entertainment. Newborn babies are of course beautiful but twenty mins at a time probably max for anyone bar the parents to gaze at a likely sleeping baby.

Show quote history

Gosh you sound so selfish and entitled eyeroll. Thinking the op should be welcoming yet mindful that people may not want to spend over 20 minutes with her, be quick to invite herself but never expect an invitation, make her home available for guests to sleep in without ever expecting a gift or compassionate word.... I'm so glad you're not my mil.

Original poster

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 22:00

pizzaHeart · 18/02/2023 21:51

I’ve read a few pages and can’t understand why you’re getting such a hard time here. Of course you expect your in-laws to come and see you, their son and their GDC. There is a perfect medium between trying to take baby away from her parents and just looking at her for a few minutes. Your MIL could chat with you, take baby for a walk, watch her sleep, cook you a special dish or whatever. It looked like she just needed to get rid of FiL and their dog for a day to do shopping with her daughter. PPs were saying that your MIL couldn’t win, well she could, simply by behaving like a normal grandma without any sort of extremities.

Thanks @pizzaHeart - this is what I expected, but it's clear I don't know my in-laws very well, or I would have known better. At least expectations have been set early on and I will try to not be disappointed in future. Luckily my own family are amazing and DH is close to all of them

OP posts:

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 22:08

Sparemyblushesplease · 18/02/2023 21:59

Gosh you sound so selfish and entitled eyeroll. Thinking the op should be welcoming yet mindful that people may not want to spend over 20 minutes with her, be quick to invite herself but never expect an invitation, make her home available for guests to sleep in without ever expecting a gift or compassionate word.... I'm so glad you're not my mil.

Show quote history

I haven’t said anything like that. The OP is upset because her MIL went out. I have asked if they have a good relationship, if she was welcoming to them (as it didn’t really come across that she gets on with them particularly or that she was pleased about the visit), that newborns spend a lot of time asleep and that maybe the in laws thought gosh it’s a lot to expect dil to have to look after us all day as well as the baby. Not sure how you’ve gotten what you said from my posts but 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 22:08

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 21:53

But you could have taken the baby and gotten your own brows done, had a look round the shops, had a bite to eat all three of you. It’s just really about spending time together isn’t it? Or are you saying you only wanted them to stay at home all day. You do have a five week old baby so it would be completely understandable if you did. Do you not contact your mil or SIL yourself at all? Not sure saying FIL was happy enough to spend afternoon snoozing on my couch is the best comparison to show your friendliness OP, the man was unconscious! It doesn’t sound like you are particularly close with your in laws to begin with. Saying I have not intentionally been rude or cold to them is not the same as saying I extended the same warm welcome to my home as I do to all visitors. Some people just don’t like to be stuck at home all day, I have family members like that, is that the kind of personality your MIL has? It can be annoying but I think lack of communication is the biggest problem here, not deliberate snubs. As others have said they may have thought she doesn’t want us sitting looking at her all day expecting food and entertainment. Newborn babies are of course beautiful but twenty mins at a time probably max for anyone bar the parents to gaze at a likely sleeping baby.

Show quote history

You're right - I'm not particularly close to them. DH hasn't done much to promote the relationship, and has naturally gravitated towards my family who he is very close to. I do regret this and feel guilty about it - which is why I was keen that they should feel welcome to visit any time here and see the baby.

I imagined they would come here and spend some time with us at the house (DH had planned something nice for lunch) and then if every one got cabin fever we would have suggested going out for a walk or something all together.

I think my only crimes are not making an effort in the years before baby (led by DH) and not making a full plan for the day today. Although I do think MIL had a shopping trip in mind and anything else would have been a disappointment.

OP posts:

Tourmalines · 18/02/2023 22:17

This
yes , it’s like a breeding ground for bashing MILs . One day the DILs will be MILs , tables always turn

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 22:17

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 22:08

You're right - I'm not particularly close to them. DH hasn't done much to promote the relationship, and has naturally gravitated towards my family who he is very close to. I do regret this and feel guilty about it - which is why I was keen that they should feel welcome to visit any time here and see the baby.

I imagined they would come here and spend some time with us at the house (DH had planned something nice for lunch) and then if every one got cabin fever we would have suggested going out for a walk or something all together.

I think my only crimes are not making an effort in the years before baby (led by DH) and not making a full plan for the day today. Although I do think MIL had a shopping trip in mind and anything else would have been a disappointment.

Show quote history

I don’t think you need to feel guilty about anything, you are a new mother at the end of the day. It’s clear though there is a communication problem and your husband really should have made sure everyone was aware he was going to make a special lunch and maybe all go for a walk later. I don’t think it’s uncommon for some men to gravitate towards the wife’s family because tbh I think often it’s easier and they have to do less planning, talking to and keeping in touch as their wife will naturally do that with their own family. It really is for your husband to lay the groundwork there on that. If his mother and sister feel he hasn’t made the effort to make them feel part of your family then it’s really down to him to start making more of an effort. If they don’t know you really well it could just be as simple as not being entirely relaxed in your home - though obvs your fil had no problem conking out! I’m sure as they see the baby more your relationship will naturally develop as you see more of them. In the first instance though defo get your husband to add you to the family WhatsApp group and then you can send pics, etc. Or if that’s strictly nuclear family only set up your own group w his mum, dad and sil and start with baby spam. I know in my own family it really does help silly as it sounds to build that rapport especially where family members are separated by distance.

Sparemyblushesplease · 18/02/2023 22:20

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 22:08

I haven’t said anything like that. The OP is upset because her MIL went out. I have asked if they have a good relationship, if she was welcoming to them (as it didn’t really come across that she gets on with them particularly or that she was pleased about the visit), that newborns spend a lot of time asleep and that maybe the in laws thought gosh it’s a lot to expect dil to have to look after us all day as well as the baby. Not sure how you’ve gotten what you said from my posts but 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Very disingenuous. You indeed imply all of that. Nasty.