Second visit from MIL

[BettyOop99]

I posted here a couple of weeks ago after MIL's first visit when she made a few comments about DD's appearance and didn't bring a gift - a lot of posters felt I was BU which in hindsight was fair, and I definitely felt a lot better about things after the immediate post-birth hormone surge had died down but this weekend is MIL's second visit. She's brought along FIL and SIL this time which is nice as they'd not met our 5 week old yet.

SIL arrived last night, stayed with us and had lots of cuddles.

FIL and MIL wanted to get a hotel and stay the whole weekend which is fair enough. They arrived in the car this morning at 11.

MIL held baby for about 20 minutes and at 12 o'clock she announced she was going into town to get her eyebrows done. And was taking SIL as she hasn't been here before, to show her the city.

They're still gone.

Is this weird? Would you travel 3 hours to visit grandchild and then just disappear for hours on end? Or am I again being oversensitive?

I didn't even get chance to suggest we all go - obviously we can't just leave the house on a whim with a newborn but it would have been nice to all go out together?

I don’t at all. You seem to be projecting a lot.

@Eyerollcentral
I wasn’t attempting to be obtuse, I was sarcastic. My point was that they came to spend some time with their grandchild, not for something else, at least it’s what they said.

Good god. Yes I remember the last post where you were being unreasonable and here you are again.. being unreasonable. She can't win either way.

Yes I find it rude that MIL left us to dog sit whilst FIL slept on the sofa.

So she didn't leave you to dog sit then, did she ? Her dh (your FiL) was there, should the dog actually need anything in the time she was out.

It's clear you don't like her.
It's clear whatever she does will be wrong in your eyes.
It's clear you only posted on here for people to say "poor you" or "MiL is awful" rather than actually find out if YABU or not.
This is going to be a long journey for you and your in-laws.

I think your MIL just fancied a trip away and didn’t care that you were left with sleeping FIL. Now you know how it will go if they come again.

All these in-laws have to do is employ some simple rules for compassionate, thoughtful behavior.

They want to go out? They invite the new mum to come if she wants.

They are here for the weekend? They make it known when they will be in and expecting to be fed, at the very least. At best they will offer to cook certain meals ahead of time and will be offering to hang the washing out/rock a sleeping baby to sleep while you offer hospitality.

They use a decent proportion of the time available with family and baby as that's why they've come. If they go out, they invite the same to come.

They have the courtesy to let the host know when they will be leaving and returning.
They don't arrive so rarely than the holiday home starts to feel like their base, not the focus of the holiday.

They take the time to warmly include their hosts in the special moments of each day because the goal is relationships, not "How little do we have to spend time here before my own needs sound defeafing me.'

Did mil get her eyebrows waxed or threaded?

This is a need to know basis as we need to know what we are dealing with here.

Spot on @UsingChangeofName

OP, you're not unreasonable at all. And before anyone accuses me of bias against MILs, I love mine, she's absolutely great.
Firstly, you didn't need to plan a day out, your baby is 5 weeks, you're busy and tired. Your husband planning lunch and walk is plenty.
Secondly, to come to you all this way and then leaving you for hours to dog sit without agreeing it beforehand is not on. And you could have all gone to town if your MIL suggested it. Newborns are great to take out because they don't need much entertaining at that age and movement will make them sleep.
Your expectations aren't too high. I can't believe you're getting so many harsh replies. You wrote you wish you've done more to build that relationship before baby, but it's never too late and it seems like you're trying but your husband's parents aren't.
And I wouldn't let them bring a dog to my house, so I think you're really accommodating.

It seems as if you're just nit picking atp.
You said you didn't really make an effort with them pre DC (dh's fault or not), and now you're shocked they're not making a huge effort with you? (Pretty much)

OK that bit was unfair. I think she left us to dog and FIL sit to be honest...

I don't think it's clear that I don't like her. I didn't like what she (or FIL) did today. The majority of Mumsnet think I'm being unreasonable. OK. I challenge anyone to feel reasonable when you're expecting a nice family day and end up with a dog who barks every time your 5 week old cries whilst it's owners are absent/unconscious whilst supposedly here to visit their only grandchild.

You never see them, but have twice in 5 weeks?

I’m going to actually point the blame at your DH here. I’m not sure if I read your previous thread but it sounds as though you were not particularly welcoming on the first visit (not your fault - also had a c-section and felt rubbish for days after) and your MIL may have picked up on this and planned to do things differently on her next visit. Your DH really should have been handling all this though. You say you are not on the family WhatsApp and so your MIL may well have been asking your DH what the plan was for the weekend and got some half hearted response that forced her to make her own plans.

I have a DB/SIL who live around three hours away and I’m starting to dread going to visit because all we do is sit in the house with no plans to do anything else when we are there and we are just expected to hold the baby and play with the toddler which is lovely but very wearing and frankly boring after a while. Highlighted by having our own slightly younger toddler who is bouncing off the walls after a couple of hours in the same room. This is largely down to my DB who never makes any plans for our visit and ignores or brushes off any attempts to make any. We have recently said that we will make our own plans next time we visit so it’s more enjoyable for us as well. No disrespect to my DB or SIL, they obviously enjoy being in their own home and expect their guests to also enjoy just hanging out there with them.

I must admit you seem a little passive aggressive as well, I suspect you have made it quite,quite clear the family aren't welcome, and I actually feel very sorry for the mother in law who can't do right at all

So how you (and lots of PPs) see it:

• OP is annoyed by something
• OP sounds annoyed on a few posts
• Therefore OP has a bad attitude and must have deserved it?

Fantastic Mumsnet logic (that's sarcasm, not passive aggressiveness btw).

Honestly, after speaking to DH (who is usually very forgiving and easy going) we've both concluded that his DM wanted a lovely weekend away in a new city with the added bonus of seeing DGC for a bit in between. Fair enough. Hopefully she will want to spend more time with us when DD is older and more interesting. FIL is quite a bit older than MIL so will probably always just fall asleep on the sofa when he's here. SIL has been very welcome. We might not accept dog, and SIL's 3 cats next time though.

Op, I would definitely be annoyed. At least you know for next visit.

I agree with most posters that MIL was being considerate and I have a 2yo, so hardly a gran! Although technically I could have been a gran if I started very young, but that can be said about anyone over the age of 24!

I’m assuming he was awake when she left? How is it her disorder that she’d left her husband with their dog but him failing to look after it is her fault?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them leaving to go into town. They’ve seen the baby.

If you do visit them, do you go into town together? I’d prefer her style of visit but i understand everyone is different.

I might have missed this somewhere but has your FIL bought a gift for your DC? You’ve written that mil hasn’t bought a gift so i may have missed fil has bought one.

I think it’s weird to snooze on a sofa in a house you don’t live in, even if it’s your son’s. maybe sleep in the spare room or something

@HikingforScenery no he hasn't, but says he plans to get her a walker at some point. They brought a gift bag full of baby clothes from DH's aunt and an experience day voucher thing for us - a nice thought, but not sure when we'll use it!

I don’t think yabu. I think the herd mentality of Mumsnet has taken over though.
I read your 1st thread. Who doesn’t bring a gift when visiting a newborn?
Your mil sounds very selfish tbh.

I don't think your MIL could do right for doing wrong. They stayed in a hotel so as to not put upon you. She arrived, SIL fussed the baby so MIL may well have thought the baby will have had enough. She got out of your way to give you space, because it was clear (because you hadn't made any plans) that you wanted to stay in.
..and now she is the bad guy.
If you had wanted to spend the day as a family all you had to do was plan something. Lunch, a walk with DD, a games afternoon.. anything to make your wishes clear.
It sounds like they had put the ball firmly in your court so they didn't get on your nerves or railroad you with a new baby, and when nothing was forthcoming they retreated.
You were not babysitting FIL and dog. They were both there but you were not providing care, so stop being dramatic.

Maybe you need to work out how you actually want them to behave and get DH to communicate with them.
If I was MIL I would be very uncomfortable about future visits.

Of course you won't use it! That would be to easy and nice!

If FIL drove I expect he was tired.

This.

So FIL stayed - that's wrong
MIL went out - That's wrong
You didn't dog sit
Your FIL was tired from driving/travelling to yours
You never see them, but they've visited twice in five weeks
They have a gift, but you probably won't use it

You really are coming across badly.