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AIBU?

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Original poster

Second visit from MIL

167 replies

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 15:51

I posted here a couple of weeks ago after MIL's first visit when she made a few comments about DD's appearance and didn't bring a gift - a lot of posters felt I was BU which in hindsight was fair, and I definitely felt a lot better about things after the immediate post-birth hormone surge had died down but this weekend is MIL's second visit. She's brought along FIL and SIL this time which is nice as they'd not met our 5 week old yet.

SIL arrived last night, stayed with us and had lots of cuddles.

FIL and MIL wanted to get a hotel and stay the whole weekend which is fair enough. They arrived in the car this morning at 11.

MIL held baby for about 20 minutes and at 12 o'clock she announced she was going into town to get her eyebrows done. And was taking SIL as she hasn't been here before, to show her the city.

They're still gone.

Is this weird? Would you travel 3 hours to visit grandchild and then just disappear for hours on end? Or am I again being oversensitive?

I didn't even get chance to suggest we all go - obviously we can't just leave the house on a whim with a newborn but it would have been nice to all go out together?

OP posts:
IndiaDreamer · 19/02/2023 08:45

IndiaDreamer · 19/02/2023 08:43

So FIL stayed - that's wrong
MIL went out - That's wrong
You didn't dog sit
Your FIL was tired from driving/travelling to yours
You never see them, but they've visited twice in five weeks
They have a gift, but you probably won't use it

You really are coming across badly.

Oh and they got stuff for dinner, why weren't you or your DH providing for your guests?

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 19/02/2023 08:46

Stifledlife · 19/02/2023 08:21

I don't think your MIL could do right for doing wrong. They stayed in a hotel so as to not put upon you. She arrived, SIL fussed the baby so MIL may well have thought the baby will have had enough. She got out of your way to give you space, because it was clear (because you hadn't made any plans) that you wanted to stay in.
..and now she is the bad guy.
If you had wanted to spend the day as a family all you had to do was plan something. Lunch, a walk with DD, a games afternoon.. anything to make your wishes clear.
It sounds like they had put the ball firmly in your court so they didn't get on your nerves or railroad you with a new baby, and when nothing was forthcoming they retreated.
You were not babysitting FIL and dog. They were both there but you were not providing care, so stop being dramatic.

Maybe you need to work out how you actually want them to behave and get DH to communicate with them.
If I was MIL I would be very uncomfortable about future visits.

It's nice that you're defending her so much, but she really did just want to go shopping and get her brows done. DH confirmed this in our chat last night. Nothing we would have suggested would have been taken up, although as I said previously, I wish we would have been quick enough to suggest going together.

However, that would have automatically left FIL and the dog out. He's never been to our new house so DH may have had to stay behind, and I couldn't leave baby.

OP posts:
CraneBoysMysteries · 19/02/2023 08:49

I've read all your posts OP and whilst I don't think you've done anything wrong, I don't think they have either.

I just think you had this idea of what they would be like with their grandchild (maybe based on your own parents) and the reality is a bit different

They've made the effort to come, had a cuddle and MIL went shopping. Probably a mix of giving you space and wanting to visit the city. You say they're staying all weekend though so perhaps today they'll spend more time with you all.

But it sounds thoughtful that they got some bits for dinner and you imply MIL is helping make it and they did get a gift for you and your DH that perhaps again they see as some baby free time for you both.

My parents are more hands on that my PIL. They will come and expect to be hosted and play a little with their GC but MILs way of helping is to buy bits and occasionally cook for us. She's not a baby person at all. And that's fine. Not everyone is

I'd suggest trying to reset with this in mind as you seem quite wound up by it all and are in danger of not enjoying the rest of the weekend.

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 19/02/2023 08:51

IndiaDreamer · 19/02/2023 08:45

Oh and they got stuff for dinner, why weren't you or your DH providing for your guests?

Show quote history

DH did provide some of the dinner and had planned to treat everyone for lunch, but didn't get the opportunity 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also, sorry if I can't imagine planning a day away from my newborn just yet. It's a lovely gift, but these often have expiry dates so it's a possibility we might miss out. That's all.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 19/02/2023 08:57

It's a minefield for mils. Many dils would have thought they were imposing had they stayed all day, especially as you are ebf and would maybe want some privacy. They don't know you so well so were maybe weary of taking up your whole day. I also appreciate that you were probably so surprised that you didn't mention that you could tag along or that you thought you would all be spending the day together. It was nice of them to contribute to the meal. I probably would have thanked them for coming and asked them to let you know when they'd like to arrange another visit and emphasised the desire to spend the full day with them. That way they would have known they were welcome and that you actually wanted them to spend all day with the baby.

IndiaDreamer · 19/02/2023 09:28

Also, sorry if I can't imagine planning a day away from my newborn just yet. It's a lovely gift, but these often have expiry dates so it's a possibility we might miss out. That's all.

What's the expiry date?

mads2750 · 19/02/2023 09:54

Where is your DH in all this? They're his parents so surely he was aware of the plans?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 19/02/2023 10:18

Wait, what?

SIL brought 3 cats with her?

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 19/02/2023 10:24

@IndiaDreamer a year from purchase. I really hope we get to use it.

@mads2750 Yes he was aware, but he's very laid back. It does mean that I end up organising pretty much everything we do, except I don't have that relationship with his family and so don't get involved. He's probably to blame more than anyone for not organising anything to be fair.

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor Yes, 3 cats! I was more worried about her bringing them than anything, but they have stayed in our conservatory the whole time and not been an issue

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 19/02/2023 10:57

I thibk you are getting a hard time.

Surely if one thinks one will be bored /want to give people space you say in advance -we'll drop around for lunch etc, then go into town for a quick trip (do you want to cone) then do dinner together

Then dh can say oh we thought a walk in local park if weather nice? Discuss from there.

I can't imagine organising any family visit and just going off to do my own thing without explicit heads up in advance (going back to home town for friends reunion) beyond a quick trip to corner shop for missing item.

jannier · 19/02/2023 12:37

BettyOop99 · 19/02/2023 08:05

@HikingforScenery no he hasn't, but says he plans to get her a walker at some point. They brought a gift bag full of baby clothes from DH's aunt and an experience day voucher thing for us - a nice thought, but not sure when we'll use it!

Most last a year you get someone to babysit and go what's the problem? .....don't you already have everything for baby now so maybe they are waiting a bit or putting money aside but does it matter do you only want them for gifts? Staying in a hotel is an expense they are making to see you all and give you space ....it come over like you really don't want them in your life so they can't do right.

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 19/02/2023 12:49

Well as you're all so keen to defend them...

We organised for them to come here at 12 for lunch, but they've slept in. MIL has gone back into town but FIL will be here soon "to not miss the football"

But I'm sure it's all my fault for being the unwelcoming DIL

OP posts:
Changes17 · 19/02/2023 13:07

Don’t know that mumsnet is entirely turning into Gransnet - there are parents of all ages and Gransnet has a very different tone - but there do seem to be lots of MILs on some MIL threads.

As a non-MIL but a parent of over-10s, I think the lack of a plan is hampering you here (and no one does expect new parents to make a plan so they are just making their own plans as they go.)

It’s all about expectations really. You’ve all probably got different expectations of the weekend and none of you are communicating them to each other. Your MIL probably thinks since there’s going to be sitting around she could just nip off for a bit.

Maybe next time think about what you would like to happen during the weekend and then lay the ground for that to happen. As a couple, you could let them know what you’d like to happen and they can mention if there’s anything they’d like to do and you can have a very loose plan (since babies are pretty unpredictable) around that. Anyhow it’s only two days…

Changes17 · 19/02/2023 13:08

Ah, cross posted with the update. They do sound pretty annoying. So, back to it’s only two days…

jemimapuddlepluck · 19/02/2023 13:23

MWNA · 18/02/2023 20:10

I just love LOVE these types of threads and these types of OPs!
Comes on so certain of her stance and fully expects approbation and assent.
Instead, largely gets arse handed to them and gets stroppier with every post!
So enjoyably predictable.

This is so sad. Your life must be very empty. The glee here is quite pathetic.

RudsyFarmer · 19/02/2023 13:26

I think you just need to find words for your feelings and go from there. Your feelings are your feelings and you’re entitled to them. Some people would find their behaviour fine. You obviously don’t.

jemimapuddlepluck · 19/02/2023 13:27

OP, as usual with MIL threads the sad fuckers have pounced at the chance to attack a new mother. Ignore.
I don't think I would be inviting them back anytime soon and if they ask just say there's no point after this visit 🤷‍♀️
Nothing you put now will stop the sad fuckers on here from attacking you so I wouldn't bother.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/02/2023 13:34

UsingChangeofName · 19/02/2023 00:18

Yes I find it rude that MIL left us to dog sit whilst FIL slept on the sofa.

So she didn't leave you to dog sit then, did she ? Her dh (your FiL) was there, should the dog actually need anything in the time she was out.

It's clear you don't like her.
It's clear whatever she does will be wrong in your eyes.
It's clear you only posted on here for people to say "poor you" or "MiL is awful" rather than actually find out if YABU or not.
This is going to be a long journey for you and your in-laws.

Wow!

It's not clear at all that the OP doesn't like her in-laws. I mean just how much effort have the in-laws put into building a relationship with the OP? It's a two way street you know.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/02/2023 13:45

Did I miss where SIL brought 3 cats? Somewhere amongst my incredulity the MiL and FiL brought their dog as well?

That would cloud even the sanist person, if guests rocked up with their pets (unannounced) let alone to a family member who has recently had a baby.

@BettyOop99 - I think you're getting a very hard time here. I think your in-laws were terrible in arriving with their pets in tow. I also think that if you're going to visit relatives, you visit them. Day trips for beauty treatments are done on your own time, and not while you're actually visiting.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/02/2023 13:47

BettyOop99 · 19/02/2023 12:49

Well as you're all so keen to defend them...

We organised for them to come here at 12 for lunch, but they've slept in. MIL has gone back into town but FIL will be here soon "to not miss the football"

But I'm sure it's all my fault for being the unwelcoming DIL

I hope you've eaten. You told them the time. The snoozed, they lose out. They aren't coming across as the warmest inviting family members.

What has your DH to say about how his mum, dad and sister are behaving towards him, you and your child?

Sparkleshine21 · 19/02/2023 13:50

Why didn’t you suggest that you would meet them somewhere for an early dinner after their plans? Then you have time to get ready in peace and they go and get their eyebrows done or whatever.

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 19/02/2023 13:52

LookItsMeAgain · 19/02/2023 13:47

I hope you've eaten. You told them the time. The snoozed, they lose out. They aren't coming across as the warmest inviting family members.

What has your DH to say about how his mum, dad and sister are behaving towards him, you and your child?

Show quote history

We did. She's still not here. FIL has arrived for the football.

DH is usually so calm - nothing ever seems to faze or upset him, but even he was annoyed yesterday. And worse today. He's going to talk to her and I'm just going to stay out of it.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/02/2023 13:54

Reading through the recent updates.
One minute the MIL was having a brief hold of the baby. The next she was dashing out the door to do shopping and eyebrows. OP didn't know this, wasn't invited and didn't have a chance to respond, so all the posts saying she could have done this, or that seem a bit redundant. I know I wouldn't have had time to assess and think what I should have done before she was out the door.
Feels like she took a huff at first visit when OP was lying there recovering from a Cesarian. And she made it clear her interest in newborn and DIL was cursory. It does come across as if she was making a point.

In any case, MIL had clearly planned out the weekend and exactly what she wanted to do in advance, brought a barking dog that she left with OP to look after and barked whenever the baby cried, whilst FIL slept through the lot (very bad manners IMHO) and had not communicated any of this to DH who was organising the visit and was expecting to treat everyone to a family lunch.

All I can say is OP, don't let this get to you, SIL sounds friendly. PILs less so. Fil should have taken the dog out for a walk to calm it down, if dog was barking at your newborn. I'd leave them to their own devices and next time ask in advance what plans they have.
Out of interest, why are you, the mother of their grandchild and wife of their son - not on the family WhatsApp? They are visiting the house of BOTH of you, so even if DH makes plans you should at least have a chance to know in advance what know what to expect. Combined with leaving you out of her plans with SIL, that does seem a bit odd. Its true you were not prepared and probably wouldn't have wanted to come along, but it would have been nice to ask.
Finally, you have a lovely close relationship with your own family - that is a huge plus. I wouldn't expect too much or the same relationship with PILS.

NoDairyNoProblem · 19/02/2023 13:54

@BettyOop99 i think you are getting a ridiculously hard time her. Your in laws sound bloody rude!

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 19/02/2023 13:57

Sparkleshine21 · 19/02/2023 13:50

Why didn’t you suggest that you would meet them somewhere for an early dinner after their plans? Then you have time to get ready in peace and they go and get their eyebrows done or whatever.

Definitely should have done this. The only reasons not to were 1) DH and FIL seemed happy enough at home, and I would struggle to get there with baby, and 2) It didn't seem like I was invited. I could have invited myself of course, but didn't think to.

OP posts: