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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Second visit from MIL

167 replies

BettyOop99 · 18/02/2023 15:51

I posted here a couple of weeks ago after MIL's first visit when she made a few comments about DD's appearance and didn't bring a gift - a lot of posters felt I was BU which in hindsight was fair, and I definitely felt a lot better about things after the immediate post-birth hormone surge had died down but this weekend is MIL's second visit. She's brought along FIL and SIL this time which is nice as they'd not met our 5 week old yet.

SIL arrived last night, stayed with us and had lots of cuddles.

FIL and MIL wanted to get a hotel and stay the whole weekend which is fair enough. They arrived in the car this morning at 11.

MIL held baby for about 20 minutes and at 12 o'clock she announced she was going into town to get her eyebrows done. And was taking SIL as she hasn't been here before, to show her the city.

They're still gone.

Is this weird? Would you travel 3 hours to visit grandchild and then just disappear for hours on end? Or am I again being oversensitive?

I didn't even get chance to suggest we all go - obviously we can't just leave the house on a whim with a newborn but it would have been nice to all go out together?

OP posts:
Everyonesinvited · 19/02/2023 14:04

They're just appalling. As are the cfs on your thread who have tried to make out this is somehow your fault.

2bazookas · 19/02/2023 14:07

She's being very sensitive and thoughtful by giving you some space and peace from your visitors.
This is ideal MIL behaviour.

UsingChangeofName · 19/02/2023 14:09

IndiaDreamer · 19/02/2023 08:43

So FIL stayed - that's wrong
MIL went out - That's wrong
You didn't dog sit
Your FIL was tired from driving/travelling to yours
You never see them, but they've visited twice in five weeks
They have a gift, but you probably won't use it

You really are coming across badly.

Plus OP's dh didn't provide them with lunch, after a 3 hour drive ("he was going to but didn't get chance ....despite the fact they were later than expected")

Plus the MiL brought them some food and bits from the shops

They brought with them a whole bag of clothes so realised baby wouldn't need yet more, and bought an expensive gift just for the parents - which is valid for a year, not about to expire in the next few weeks.

(Sorry can't remember who posted) I think it’s weird to snooze on a sofa in a house you don’t live in, even if it’s your son’s.

I don't. I think a lot of people would appreciate an afternoon nap after driving 3 hours. I like to hope anyone who visits me for a weekend is comfortable enough to do this if they need to, and there isn't something going on they need to be involved in.

UsingChangeofName · 19/02/2023 14:11

They're just appalling. As are the cfs on your thread who have tried to make out this is somehow your fault.

I think you'll find most posters aren't looking to make anything, anyone's "fault". Just pointing out the MiL hasn't done anything wrong here.
That the OP doesn't really have any justification for bad mouthing her.

Everyonesinvited · 19/02/2023 14:13

2bazookas · 19/02/2023 14:07

She's being very sensitive and thoughtful by giving you some space and peace from your visitors.
This is ideal MIL behaviour.

It's very rude not to come to a meal you've been invited to and agreed to go to.

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 19/02/2023 14:14

@UsingChangeofName just to clarify - they didn't drive up Saturday morning, they arrived the day before and went straight to the hotel. We didn't see them until Saturday morning, and MIL was gone within the hour.

OP posts:
Everyonesinvited · 19/02/2023 14:14

UsingChangeofName · 19/02/2023 14:11

They're just appalling. As are the cfs on your thread who have tried to make out this is somehow your fault.

I think you'll find most posters aren't looking to make anything, anyone's "fault". Just pointing out the MiL hasn't done anything wrong here.
That the OP doesn't really have any justification for bad mouthing her.

It's very rude not to come to a meal you've been invited to and agreed to go to.

And then for some of the party to come around anyway expecting to use the tv ...! Where do they think they are

Original poster
BettyOop99 · 19/02/2023 17:23

She eventually showed up today at 3pm, ate and then took the dog out for a walk... she's been gone an hour and now DH and FIL have had to form a search party to go out and look for her. Bit worried about her - surely none of this is normal behaviour 😐

OP posts:
IndiaDreamer · 19/02/2023 17:29

BettyOop99 · 19/02/2023 17:23

She eventually showed up today at 3pm, ate and then took the dog out for a walk... she's been gone an hour and now DH and FIL have had to form a search party to go out and look for her. Bit worried about her - surely none of this is normal behaviour 😐

Well it just goes on and on doesn't it! 🙄

LookItsMeAgain · 19/02/2023 17:39

It really doesn't matter whether it it 'normal' behaviour, it is downright rude and your FiL should have apologised for him, her and his daughter and the way they have behaved this weekend.

I hope your DH does have a word with her and with his dad when they are out. Please come back and let us know how you (and he) get on. Good idea about staying out of it when the conversation is being had.

IndiaDreamer · 19/02/2023 17:43

LookItsMeAgain · 19/02/2023 17:39

It really doesn't matter whether it it 'normal' behaviour, it is downright rude and your FiL should have apologised for him, her and his daughter and the way they have behaved this weekend.

I hope your DH does have a word with her and with his dad when they are out. Please come back and let us know how you (and he) get on. Good idea about staying out of it when the conversation is being had.

Why should FIL apologise for other people?

LookItsMeAgain · 19/02/2023 18:02

@IndiaDreamer these are just off the top of my head and in no particular order

  • it's polite to make apologies for people who don't show up for a pre-arranged meal
  • He's apologising for his wife and his daughter, not some stranger off the street
  • They've been very rude to both the OP and the OP's Dh about how they have treated them on this visit so it could cover for that too.
  • Oh, did I mention that it's polite to say "Oh, I'm sorry that Jane and Mary haven't made it. They were so tired after walking around the town yesterday and slept it out"

I'm not suggesting that they go to the nth degree here but keeping things polite is the very least that the inlaws could be doing at this stage and they are failing at even doing that.

Do you not think that FiL, who was able to get up, get himself dressed and get to his son's house in time to plonk his arse on his son's sofa to watch a football match, could have said something like the above? Do you not think that he should have said something like the above?

IndiaDreamer · 19/02/2023 18:11

LookItsMeAgain · 19/02/2023 18:02

@IndiaDreamer these are just off the top of my head and in no particular order

  • it's polite to make apologies for people who don't show up for a pre-arranged meal
  • He's apologising for his wife and his daughter, not some stranger off the street
  • They've been very rude to both the OP and the OP's Dh about how they have treated them on this visit so it could cover for that too.
  • Oh, did I mention that it's polite to say "Oh, I'm sorry that Jane and Mary haven't made it. They were so tired after walking around the town yesterday and slept it out"

I'm not suggesting that they go to the nth degree here but keeping things polite is the very least that the inlaws could be doing at this stage and they are failing at even doing that.

Do you not think that FiL, who was able to get up, get himself dressed and get to his son's house in time to plonk his arse on his son's sofa to watch a football match, could have said something like the above? Do you not think that he should have said something like the above?

An apology by anyone on someone else's behalf is empty!

I apologise on behalf of my wife/husband

No sorry, I would be furious if DH decided to apologise on my behalf.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/02/2023 09:55

@IndiaDreamer - so going by your comment "I would be furious if DH decided to apologise on my behalf", using the exact situation that the OP found themselves in, if you had agreed to and subsequently didn't show up for an arranged lunch, you're saying that you'd prefer to just be downright rude and not apologise for not showing up and not letting people know that you weren't going to show up?
Charming.

jannier · 20/02/2023 13:01

LookItsMeAgain · 19/02/2023 18:02

@IndiaDreamer these are just off the top of my head and in no particular order

  • it's polite to make apologies for people who don't show up for a pre-arranged meal
  • He's apologising for his wife and his daughter, not some stranger off the street
  • They've been very rude to both the OP and the OP's Dh about how they have treated them on this visit so it could cover for that too.
  • Oh, did I mention that it's polite to say "Oh, I'm sorry that Jane and Mary haven't made it. They were so tired after walking around the town yesterday and slept it out"

I'm not suggesting that they go to the nth degree here but keeping things polite is the very least that the inlaws could be doing at this stage and they are failing at even doing that.

Do you not think that FiL, who was able to get up, get himself dressed and get to his son's house in time to plonk his arse on his son's sofa to watch a football match, could have said something like the above? Do you not think that he should have said something like the above?

It's polite to pass on their apologies for not being able to come if they have asked you to....otherwise it implies ownership or control....it would be okay to say I feel awful that you've been let down.

IndiaDreamer · 20/02/2023 14:49

jannier · 20/02/2023 13:01

It's polite to pass on their apologies for not being able to come if they have asked you to....otherwise it implies ownership or control....it would be okay to say I feel awful that you've been let down.

Show quote history

Exactly

CorpusCallosum · 20/02/2023 15:25

God I wish my in laws would bugger off into town and entertain themselves for the odd afternoon when they come to visit (3+ hrs drive for them too). She's clearly pleasing herself and/or giving you space.

Your feelings are valid too and you seem to be having some strong responses to her behaviour. I'd look for the trigger behind that so you can better understand why she's getting to you so much 🧡

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