My MILs partner smacked our 3 year old

[BubblingRage]

Sorry for this being very long winded!
A bit of background first. MIL moved her new partner into her house after talking to each other for a month during the first lockdown. Everything was very quick and he seemingly arrived at her house with nothing. No furniture, towels, tv… literally just a handful of clothes. I always found him a bit “iffy” and refused to let my then 2 year old round to his nanny’s without me or my husband being there. (Once lockdown lifted obviously). Fast forward nearly 2 years and I’ve warmed to him, so I finally agree for my MIL to have our 3 and 1 year old overnight near Christmas so we could go out a celebrate my birthday. For a couple of weeks afterwards my 3 year old didn’t want “nanny” and (I shall refer to him as) “R” to come round our house. He also started not wanting to go round to nanny’s house either. This was very unusual as he usually dotes on his nan. Alarm bells starting ringing.
They came round to ours on Boxing Day as their surrogate Christmas Day. I noticed that R was often rolling his eyes and shaking his head at our DS. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was just an excited 3 year old at Christmas!
DS didn’t mention anything for a couple of weeks so I assumed he’d forgotten all about whatever was bugging him. Every so often he would drop into conversation or just randomly say that he doesn’t like “R”. I lightly questioned him about it but never really got a proper answer out of him. My DH asked MIL if anything had happened. She said R told DS off for throwing a dice. So we assumed that was what was wrong!
This morning DS randomly said again that he doesn’t like R. I sat him down and said that I will always help him. I always believe him and will never be angry or sad if he tells me what is bothering him and that I will always help him. But that I can’t help him if he doesn’t tell me what’s wrong. He then said that “R” smacked him round the head when he had a sleepover at nanny’s. Nanny had gone to get him a drink, DS was playing with a dice and R smacked him. He didn’t tell him off or shout, just smacked him.
I am beyond livid and although he’s only 3, I believe my son implicitly.
I don’t know what to do. We’re going to mention it to MIL and not let DS round to their house. But I feel like that’s not enough!
im just absolutely gutted for my son. And I’m so annoyed that I didn’t listen to my own instinct.
What would you do in this situation?!

I wouldn’t just mention it, I’d go bloody ballistic. Does MIL know what he did?

That's awful!

I'm sure there are lots of things you can do but I actually would start by asking the police to do a background check on him using the Sarah's Law/Claire's law.

He gets no further access to your children.

Please don't blame yourself. I'm sorry that happened. No way I'd let them stay there again x

I'd go round there with your husband (without your son of course) and hit the motherfucking roof.

He should never see your son again. Ever.

At a minimum i would never ever have "R" anywhere near my children again. Supervised or unsupervised. I would tell mother in law why and if she didnt leave her partner then id query her ability to make good decisions too.
Im sorry that happened to your boy.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · Today 12:50
I'd go round there with your husband (without your son of course) and hit the motherfucking roof.

He should never see your son again. Ever.“

This. I would fully expect her to end the “relationship” immediately and send him on his way today.

I’d report it as an assault to 101. It probably won’t go anywhere as it can’t be proven but the partner needs a bloody shock as far as I’m concerned. If your mum continues the relationship she’s be out of mine and my child’s life for good.

I'm livid for you. I agree with pp re Claire's law and background checks his whole arrival sounds dodgy.

And note how he waited till your MIL was out of the room to do it. It was calculated and deliberate.

Your DH can make the decision with your mum if there's an ultimatum or not but clearly if she wants to see him she does in her own at your house and that's as afar as it can go for as long as she's with him.

You don't know how he might be abusive to her also in any range of ways.

Perhaps a sit down chat with your MIL to make this all very clear - and see if she's ok too.

I am so sorry, this sounds horrendous. I think so far you’ve handled it really really brilliantly, especially the way you spoke to your son

I’m assuming you’re not in Scotland?

Did your 3 year say in Nanny knew what had happened?

Sit your mum down and tell her what your child told you.

Then help her get her cocklodger's stuff in binbags and out of the house.

Warming to him was an error. Allowing him anywhere near your dc again would be a huge mistake
. Your mil needs to know. And he needs gone. Or she is free to choose a child abuser over her family.

Definitely no more contact with R for your son.

I would not expect MIL to break up with him, that's her own choice and decision, but I would let her know that there will be no more sleepovers when R is in the house. Of course she is welcome to see DS without him there.

It's hard to believe that some adults still think that it's ok to smack children.

I think you and your husband can tell her what's happened (assuming that she doesn't know) and explain that the consequence is that her partner isn't going to be in your children's lives.

It's her choice if she wants to end the relationship but if they were children in the 60s and 70s and parents on the 80s and 90s, their views on smacking may be informed by growing up and raising a family when smacking was seen as an acceptable way to discipline children.

If you are not due to go around this weekend I’d wait and think about the approach before tipping them off that you know. I would suggest telling MIL alone when he isn’t there in case she has something to disclose. Police involvement sounds like a good idea.

YoBeaches
i completely agree with the fact that he’s waited until MIL wasn’t in the room. This is what actually occurred to me straight away!

DS has, like all children, been a bit ott in his descriptions in the past. I’ve held onto his arm and got down to his level to explain something. He’s accused me of pinching him. Which I definitely wasn’t! But with this situation, I absolutely believe him. The fact that my MIL said R told him off for throwing a dice and then my son saying it happened after he did the same thing isn’t a coincidence!

ive been tempted for a while to get him checked via Sarah’s law but didn’t take it far enough as I was worried he’d be notified of the check. Especially as we had no real reason to check him other than my disliking to him. Definitely goi g to do it now.

No not in Scotland.
he didn’t say, just said that she looked through the kitchen window to see what was wrong. They’ve got a serving hatch, so I’m assuming that’s what he means.
I don’t believe she knew or suspected he’d hit DS and that R had told her hed just told ds off.

Can you find out more about him? In the meantime, he should never be allowed near kids, supervised or not. MIL should be told this as well. R sounds awful. Your poor child

Well done!

Police check definitely.

Calm conversation with MIL stating what he did, that you believe your DC entirely, that this man will not be entering your home again and that your DC will not be going to hers.

Because she is choosing to enable an abusive man.

What she does next will tell you all you need to know about her.

@Babetti
'It's hard to believe that some adults still think that it's ok to smack children.'

He doesn't think it's OK because he waited until mil was out of the room.
He's like any abusive bully and probably enjoys disciplining the dc.

Get him checked.
I don't think your MIL knew what he did. Keep kids away from him. Don't blame yourself.

I would phone the police and would never let my son go to the house again whilst he still lives there.

Just to say you can't get a disclosure yourself but you could request one on MIL's behalf. I don't expect that would help you though.

He has no further contact with your DS. And MIL gets no contact until he is out of her house.

If MIL’s first instinct isn’t to get rid of this man then I’d end all contact with her.