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Original poster

My MILs partner smacked our 3 year old

284 replies

BubblingRage · 18/02/2023 12:46

Sorry for this being very long winded!
A bit of background first. MIL moved her new partner into her house after talking to each other for a month during the first lockdown. Everything was very quick and he seemingly arrived at her house with nothing. No furniture, towels, tv… literally just a handful of clothes. I always found him a bit “iffy” and refused to let my then 2 year old round to his nanny’s without me or my husband being there. (Once lockdown lifted obviously). Fast forward nearly 2 years and I’ve warmed to him, so I finally agree for my MIL to have our 3 and 1 year old overnight near Christmas so we could go out a celebrate my birthday. For a couple of weeks afterwards my 3 year old didn’t want “nanny” and (I shall refer to him as) “R” to come round our house. He also started not wanting to go round to nanny’s house either. This was very unusual as he usually dotes on his nan. Alarm bells starting ringing.
They came round to ours on Boxing Day as their surrogate Christmas Day. I noticed that R was often rolling his eyes and shaking his head at our DS. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was just an excited 3 year old at Christmas!
DS didn’t mention anything for a couple of weeks so I assumed he’d forgotten all about whatever was bugging him. Every so often he would drop into conversation or just randomly say that he doesn’t like “R”. I lightly questioned him about it but never really got a proper answer out of him. My DH asked MIL if anything had happened. She said R told DS off for throwing a dice. So we assumed that was what was wrong!
This morning DS randomly said again that he doesn’t like R. I sat him down and said that I will always help him. I always believe him and will never be angry or sad if he tells me what is bothering him and that I will always help him. But that I can’t help him if he doesn’t tell me what’s wrong. He then said that “R” smacked him round the head when he had a sleepover at nanny’s. Nanny had gone to get him a drink, DS was playing with a dice and R smacked him. He didn’t tell him off or shout, just smacked him.
I am beyond livid and although he’s only 3, I believe my son implicitly.
I don’t know what to do. We’re going to mention it to MIL and not let DS round to their house. But I feel like that’s not enough!
im just absolutely gutted for my son. And I’m so annoyed that I didn’t listen to my own instinct.
What would you do in this situation?!

OP posts:
Babsexxx · 18/02/2023 14:54

You need to make mil aware so she knows exactly what’s up id flip

threecupsofteaminimum · 18/02/2023 14:54

I'd go straight round and smack him around the head.

Then do checks.

My son would never be around the man again.

threecupsofteaminimum · 18/02/2023 14:55

I mean, I wouldn't but I would damn well want to.

threecupsofteaminimum · 18/02/2023 14:56

Besides, what's wrong with throwing dice, aren't they meant to be thrown?

girlfriend44 · 18/02/2023 14:58

threecupsofteaminimum · 18/02/2023 14:54

I'd go straight round and smack him around the head.

Then do checks.

My son would never be around the man again.

wonderful advice not
you would most probably get done for assault and what if he hits you back?

despair at the aggressive advice given on here sometimes. Keep calm it will have a better effect.

Sereni5 · 18/02/2023 14:59

my child would never be around either of them again frankly. Your poor son.

SchoolTripDrama · 18/02/2023 15:02

PLEASE don't wait to act whilst the police piss about with a check - ACT NOW. He needs to be arrested

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 18/02/2023 15:02

kidsatuniemptynester · 18/02/2023 13:45

The no stuff, no furniture, no previous life bit is a bit weird too; where did he come from, does he have family or established friends? Or is he moving from one relationship to another? Frankly, your MiL needs to check her boundaries. My DD had a friend whose Mother brought a bloke into their home; no family to speak of, a very low skilled job given his age and evident education, had just moved into the area. It didn't end well for any of them, no sexual abuse, but malicious and controlling behaviour, and after her divorce settlement was spent, he was off leaving her with two more children. You and DH need to question his Mother about this man's background, apart from his totally unacceptable behaviour with your children, he may be leaching off your MiL; does he work, does he contribute? Oh, and grandma can only see the grandchildren at yours, and without him accompanying her.

Unless proved otherwise, be suspicious of any one with no friends /possessions /past... Or very limited.

Worked with many of these men... Lots were just out of jail or out of jail a month ago and had already run through first woman's life savings...

Your mum has been very daft... And utterly lacking in basic protection of her grandson. And now her bf has assaulted him.

She appeared to know nothing of him before moving in.

Sereni5 · 18/02/2023 15:03

and your mother in law is clearly a terrible judge of character and the bloke sounds dodgy as hell. I would likely go low or no contact quite honestly. It’s an appalling betrayal of trust and I would be unable to get past it.

I would also be very tempted to report him.

SchoolTripDrama · 18/02/2023 15:03

SpookyBlackCat · 18/02/2023 13:29

I really don’t see the police doing anything here. Of course no more sleepovers or visits and tell MIL why but don’t go round there and have a go because I think that may escalate the situation.

It's assault! If your partner did this to you, he'd be arrested. But because the victim is a child, you're saying it's ok? WTAF!!!!!!

stayathomegardener · 18/02/2023 15:04

HotPenguin · 18/02/2023 14:28

PS I meant to add, that's not a "smack". A smack would be a tap to the bottom or hand. Noone smacks a child on the head. I don't agree with smacking either but I accept it's normal for many older people, hitting on the head is just violence.

My take is hitting on the head won't show up red on the skin and it's calculated. R has done this before in my eyes.

SchoolTripDrama · 18/02/2023 15:04

gettingolderbutcooler · 18/02/2023 14:05

Def check with 101 or Clare's Law.

They won’t give OP any information

SchoolTripDrama · 18/02/2023 15:06

threecupsofteaminimum · 18/02/2023 14:56

Besides, what's wrong with throwing dice, aren't they meant to be thrown?

You're missing the point SPECTACULARLY Hmm

Bunce1 · 18/02/2023 15:06

There are ALOT of hysterical posters on here.

People jumping to action without much information or thought.

@BubblingRage i hope you can get to the bottom of this and for sure keep your some away for now. Do you think your MIL has been groomed by this man? Tread carefully.

SchoolTripDrama · 18/02/2023 15:09

ArcticSkewer · 18/02/2023 15:09

They won’t give OP the info, it's only for people in, or previously in, a relationship with the person

PeekAtYou · 18/02/2023 15:10

I would keep my son away from both of them. Very sad how he remembers what happens months later 😞

If that was my mum I would do a domestic violence check on him too. That's a separate issue to the violence towards your son but I would need to know

ArcticSkewer · 18/02/2023 15:10

details

My MILs partner smacked our 3 year old
zingerdoo · 18/02/2023 15:13

Stay away from this man (and if that also means staying away from your MIL then so be it). Your tiny son must come first, and my god if anyone at all hit my (just 4 year old) child round their head you can bet they wouldn't be allowed near again, let alone someone who you know so little about.

This is the age he is learning how it's acceptable to treat, and be treated by, others. This man can't be allowed any influence over your poor son.

Laurdo · 18/02/2023 15:14

BertieBotts · 18/02/2023 13:01

Definitely no more contact with R for your son.

I would not expect MIL to break up with him, that's her own choice and decision, but I would let her know that there will be no more sleepovers when R is in the house. Of course she is welcome to see DS without him there.

My 2 year old nephew had his face badly scratched at nursery by another toddler and my mum was half joking about hating the child who did it as irrational as that is.

How anyone could continue a relationship with someone who hit their 3 yo grandchild is beyond me.

threecupsofteaminimum · 18/02/2023 15:18

@SchoolTripDrama

I was being flippant, i thought that obvious, I appreciate this isn't appropriate in this context, apologies.

threecupsofteaminimum · 18/02/2023 15:22

threecupsofteaminimum · 18/02/2023 14:55

I mean, I wouldn't but I would damn well want to.

@girlfriend44

Before you react perhaps read all posts.

Partyandbullshit · 18/02/2023 15:23

Ignoring the hysteria so far 🙄 more realistically, are you prepared for him to deny it, do the “you’d rather believe a 3yo than me?”, put your MIL in a situation, potentially have your DH put in a situation with his DM etc etc. In reality, this is going to end in a stand off between you and MIL, all caused by this man.

That’s what men like this are like. It’s how they prove their power. Cowardly bullies.

Mumtotoddler · 18/02/2023 15:23

This won't be a well received opinion however children at that age also do make up stories. I'm not saying that's definitely the case here but before flying off the roof, you should definitely try and get more information about it. I am one that truly believes in allowing children to use their own trust and judgement on people and for sure if your child is not comfortable with this person, that's definitely not something to ignore. Kids at that age do struggle to articulate themselves and saying they were hit might be the only way of expressing their discomfort but the actual events may differ in reality. I would definitely talk about it with your family and let them know your feelings and concerns but try not to lose your shit without knowing the whole story.
PS: Any mother in their right mind would be going apeshit at the thought of someone hitting their child. You are not overreacting. X

Nimbostratus100 · 18/02/2023 15:28

BubblingRage · 18/02/2023 12:46

Sorry for this being very long winded!
A bit of background first. MIL moved her new partner into her house after talking to each other for a month during the first lockdown. Everything was very quick and he seemingly arrived at her house with nothing. No furniture, towels, tv… literally just a handful of clothes. I always found him a bit “iffy” and refused to let my then 2 year old round to his nanny’s without me or my husband being there. (Once lockdown lifted obviously). Fast forward nearly 2 years and I’ve warmed to him, so I finally agree for my MIL to have our 3 and 1 year old overnight near Christmas so we could go out a celebrate my birthday. For a couple of weeks afterwards my 3 year old didn’t want “nanny” and (I shall refer to him as) “R” to come round our house. He also started not wanting to go round to nanny’s house either. This was very unusual as he usually dotes on his nan. Alarm bells starting ringing.
They came round to ours on Boxing Day as their surrogate Christmas Day. I noticed that R was often rolling his eyes and shaking his head at our DS. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was just an excited 3 year old at Christmas!
DS didn’t mention anything for a couple of weeks so I assumed he’d forgotten all about whatever was bugging him. Every so often he would drop into conversation or just randomly say that he doesn’t like “R”. I lightly questioned him about it but never really got a proper answer out of him. My DH asked MIL if anything had happened. She said R told DS off for throwing a dice. So we assumed that was what was wrong!
This morning DS randomly said again that he doesn’t like R. I sat him down and said that I will always help him. I always believe him and will never be angry or sad if he tells me what is bothering him and that I will always help him. But that I can’t help him if he doesn’t tell me what’s wrong. He then said that “R” smacked him round the head when he had a sleepover at nanny’s. Nanny had gone to get him a drink, DS was playing with a dice and R smacked him. He didn’t tell him off or shout, just smacked him.
I am beyond livid and although he’s only 3, I believe my son implicitly.
I don’t know what to do. We’re going to mention it to MIL and not let DS round to their house. But I feel like that’s not enough!
im just absolutely gutted for my son. And I’m so annoyed that I didn’t listen to my own instinct.
What would you do in this situation?!

this just doesnt ring true at all, where has a 3 year old got that sort of language from? Children who have been smacked dont respond like this - otherwise it would be as easy as this to uncover abuse, wouldnt it?

I dont know what to suggest, but it all sounds very weird and worrying, and sorry, I dont know what to say - I wouldnt take it as a full and frank diclosure of anything though

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