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Original poster

My MILs partner smacked our 3 year old

284 replies

BubblingRage · 18/02/2023 12:46

Sorry for this being very long winded!
A bit of background first. MIL moved her new partner into her house after talking to each other for a month during the first lockdown. Everything was very quick and he seemingly arrived at her house with nothing. No furniture, towels, tv… literally just a handful of clothes. I always found him a bit “iffy” and refused to let my then 2 year old round to his nanny’s without me or my husband being there. (Once lockdown lifted obviously). Fast forward nearly 2 years and I’ve warmed to him, so I finally agree for my MIL to have our 3 and 1 year old overnight near Christmas so we could go out a celebrate my birthday. For a couple of weeks afterwards my 3 year old didn’t want “nanny” and (I shall refer to him as) “R” to come round our house. He also started not wanting to go round to nanny’s house either. This was very unusual as he usually dotes on his nan. Alarm bells starting ringing.
They came round to ours on Boxing Day as their surrogate Christmas Day. I noticed that R was often rolling his eyes and shaking his head at our DS. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was just an excited 3 year old at Christmas!
DS didn’t mention anything for a couple of weeks so I assumed he’d forgotten all about whatever was bugging him. Every so often he would drop into conversation or just randomly say that he doesn’t like “R”. I lightly questioned him about it but never really got a proper answer out of him. My DH asked MIL if anything had happened. She said R told DS off for throwing a dice. So we assumed that was what was wrong!
This morning DS randomly said again that he doesn’t like R. I sat him down and said that I will always help him. I always believe him and will never be angry or sad if he tells me what is bothering him and that I will always help him. But that I can’t help him if he doesn’t tell me what’s wrong. He then said that “R” smacked him round the head when he had a sleepover at nanny’s. Nanny had gone to get him a drink, DS was playing with a dice and R smacked him. He didn’t tell him off or shout, just smacked him.
I am beyond livid and although he’s only 3, I believe my son implicitly.
I don’t know what to do. We’re going to mention it to MIL and not let DS round to their house. But I feel like that’s not enough!
im just absolutely gutted for my son. And I’m so annoyed that I didn’t listen to my own instinct.
What would you do in this situation?!

OP posts:
Waterfallgirl · 19/02/2023 20:50

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 19/02/2023 20:23

He works for the local council so I’m assuming they’d crb check him?

That entirely depends what he does for them. Many council employees won’t be checked as there is no need.

And things have tightened to clamp down on employers just checked everyone and anyone that became prevalent for a while. Checks have to be relevant to the role someone has and fit the pattern of who hey they are entitled to have checked

Yep this is true. Work for an LA and I’m not eligible to request a DBS check, I don’t meet the criteria in my role.

UnicornsDoExist · 19/02/2023 20:55

He sounds a bit scary. That must have been upsetting for you to find out

ILoveASpreadsheet · 19/02/2023 20:57

Fairylightsandstuff · 19/02/2023 19:41

Op what’s your husband doing about this? Is he really going to let a grown man hit his little boy and get away with it?

What do you suggest that he does? The same to him? Then he’ll get arrested for assaulting his mother’s partner. They need to calm down and start with a conversation with the grandmother and her partner to see what they say first.

Hippoh · 19/02/2023 21:26

Sounds like R is moving in on MIL and wants you all alienated from her so he can control who she sees etc. He is seeding discord that will make it hard for her to maintain relations with you all.

Morgysmum · 19/02/2023 21:56

Hi, I cannot offer any advice.
But an old boyfriend of mine, had problems with his ex wife. She had a new partner living with her and her son. (my old boyfriends child with her) the new partner hits the son, he tells his dad, dad goes mad and talks to his ex wife.
Who defends the hump, who hit her child. My old boyfriend doesn't believe it's his sons fault.
So files for custody of his son, eventually he wins his case and his son, goes to live with his dad and new wife.
My old boyfriend, couldn't believe how, she could defend this man, when they hadn't been together that long. He said the man shouldn't have touched his kid.
The lad is now, safe and happy. I could tell from his writing, how pissed he was.
He was a good guy when we together. (he was my first boyfriend) I follow him and on Facebook. I cannot believe, there are humps out there, that think it's there right, to disapline anothers child. Definitely, don't let him any way near your children. If this stops mil from seeing him, you will just have to tell her, sorry ditch the pig, then you get to see the kids again.

AnnieSnap · 19/02/2023 22:01

Also to add, under what circumstances does throwing a dice even merit a serious telling off, let alone violence? Anyone who would hit a child for that is very dangerous 🤬

MadamArcati99 · 19/02/2023 22:06

AnnieSnap · 19/02/2023 22:01

Also to add, under what circumstances does throwing a dice even merit a serious telling off, let alone violence? Anyone who would hit a child for that is very dangerous 🤬

If it catches someone in the eye...

GriddleScone · 19/02/2023 22:53

FabFitFifties · 19/02/2023 19:31

These situations aren't always black and white, my niece, who was an excellent talker well before the age of 2, told her mum I'd smacked her bottom and twisted her arm! I'd done neither obviously. It was ridiculous that she could even say it never mind make it up. My son, now 12,still insists his father put a towel over his head and pushed him down the stairs, when he was about 4. In your case however, I would definately explore further,given he has shown himself to be intolerant of DS, and I wouldn't be leaving your son there. Follow your instincts.

I had exactly the same experience with my bright, chatty boy. The thing I found odd was that the words he used were not the kind that he would have picked up at home.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 19/02/2023 23:17

I have a child who at 3 caused a broo-ha-ha at her preschool by telling me that her lovely, Mary Poppins meets Miss Honey preschool teacher smacked her bum. It didn't happen, I didn't believe it for a second, but I followed up and they handled it beautifully.

HOWEVER, when I was that same age I was also abused quite badly by my paternal grandfather. He groomed the whole family into ignoring their gut feelings. The only words I had to describe it was not liking their house, not wanting to go.

This man raises enough red flags for me to think that there's something going on with him that you want no part of. You don't owe anyone access to your son, your son should not be placed at risk just because of politeness or hurt feelings. Your gut instinct is telling you about this man. Groomers use their victims niceness against them- "oh I don't want to offend", "oh this is awkward you must be mistaken", "oh he couldn't possibly, he's a nice guy" .... And it's in that space they lurk.

eastegg · 19/02/2023 23:27

Babetti · 18/02/2023 13:01

It's hard to believe that some adults still think that it's ok to smack children.

I think you and your husband can tell her what's happened (assuming that she doesn't know) and explain that the consequence is that her partner isn't going to be in your children's lives.

It's her choice if she wants to end the relationship but if they were children in the 60s and 70s and parents on the 80s and 90s, their views on smacking may be informed by growing up and raising a family when smacking was seen as an acceptable way to discipline children.

This doesn’t even sound like discipline, just out and out abuse. The bloke’s not even in loco parentis, just some random who fancied hitting a child.

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 19/02/2023 23:39

Don’t ask her

Tell her

That you believe your son

if she wants to have a relationship with her grandchildren and wants to look after them it is in your house and her partner is not welcome

She cannot take them out until you are satisfied and at no point can her partner see or have any contact with your children

Bignanny30 · 19/02/2023 23:46

Don’t just mention it to MIL tell her how bloody angry you are. Don’t let him anywhere near your children again at your house, her house or anywhere else. I’d also be a bit concerned for your MIL, can your husband have a chat and check she’s okay with this man.

Fairylightsandstuff · 20/02/2023 00:32

@ILoveASpreadsheet Depends on if they tell the police or not. You don’t always have to hit people to scare the shit out of them 😂

I wouldn’t trust the mother in law around them again as she obviously has very poor judgement.

T1Dmama · 20/02/2023 00:46

ArcticSkewer · 18/02/2023 12:49

That's awful!

I'm sure there are lots of things you can do but I actually would start by asking the police to do a background check on him using the Sarah's Law/Claire's law.

^ 100% this ^
I would police check anyone involved unofficially in my child’s life.
I would also tell mother in law that he’s done this….. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s abusive her! Delicate though!
But no he would not be welcome in my house again and children would never be in his care again… EVER

Tillow4ever · 20/02/2023 10:06

Sorry to hear you and your son are going through this - you must have a million thoughts racing through your head about what to do, what could have happened, etc.

I agree with most advice on here - request as many police reports as you can, even if it’s one’s that anything that is found will only be told to your MIL, as she may need to hear it. I would definitely be googling this man too. One person suggested a PI - if you want to gather more evidence on him, and you can afford it, it’s not a bad idea!

How did your MIL meet this man? How did she or he explain his lack of belongings? What’s his explanation for a 20 month gap on his cv? It certainly is within the realms of possibility that he was in jail and sofa surfing til he could find someone willing to take him in. Did your MIL have money? Is it possible she has cleared his supposed debt for him? If he was in jail, it would suggest it wasn’t his first offence, or it was quite a a serious offence. Assuming he served approximately half his sentence, he was sentenced to 3.5-4 years roughly. That’s not the sort of sentence you might get for a one of case of shoplifting or hitting someone in self defence one time (because they are likely the stories he would fabricate if it got found out he had been in jail). I think things like ABH carries a maximum of 5 year sentence, for example. Carrying weapons can give similar sentences. There are a number of sexual activity crimes, including with children, where the sentence is 5 years max. If he was in jail, I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my child given his behaviour towards him already.

Good luck OP, I understand this isn’t easy, but we’ll done for encouraging your DS to confide in you. Now make sure he knows you will follow through on protecting him.

Heyhoitsme · 20/02/2023 10:11

Your mother's welfare may be in doubt too. Seek help from the police.

Whatsaheadnow · 20/02/2023 10:38

@BubblingRage have you spoken with MIL yet or reported R?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 20/02/2023 11:44

Fairylightsandstuff · 19/02/2023 19:41

Op what’s your husband doing about this? Is he really going to let a grown man hit his little boy and get away with it?

What would you have him do ? Go round there and beat him up, and then end up in trouble with the police ? The OP has already said they’re going to sit MIL down and talk to her about access to her GS and they’re going to get a background check on R. Any further action on anyone’s part depends on what comes back.

GettingStuffed · 20/02/2023 11:51

I'm not trying to justify smacking, I only ever smacked my daughter once and she smacked me back harder , I had a headache for hours after. Teenage rebellion.

how old is he? Not smacking children really became a thing in the 90s, until then it was acceptable and for decades before that it was seen as the "correct" way to discipline children.

If he's over 60 he was probably smacked and still thinks it's acceptable in private.

I'd not let my my son go there at all.

BatShitCrazyGran · 20/02/2023 11:52

Police advice. Tell mil and him that your child will never be allowed back in the house while he is there. Leave the ball in mils court,but if doesn't chuck him.out the house there and then,I would be very annoyed. He sounds like a bully,plain and simple. And even if it was ok to smack a child,your son is not his child. I would personally want to smack him up the head tbh,see how he liked it!!!

DotAndCarryOne2 · 20/02/2023 11:55

Tillow4ever · 20/02/2023 10:06

Sorry to hear you and your son are going through this - you must have a million thoughts racing through your head about what to do, what could have happened, etc.

I agree with most advice on here - request as many police reports as you can, even if it’s one’s that anything that is found will only be told to your MIL, as she may need to hear it. I would definitely be googling this man too. One person suggested a PI - if you want to gather more evidence on him, and you can afford it, it’s not a bad idea!

How did your MIL meet this man? How did she or he explain his lack of belongings? What’s his explanation for a 20 month gap on his cv? It certainly is within the realms of possibility that he was in jail and sofa surfing til he could find someone willing to take him in. Did your MIL have money? Is it possible she has cleared his supposed debt for him? If he was in jail, it would suggest it wasn’t his first offence, or it was quite a a serious offence. Assuming he served approximately half his sentence, he was sentenced to 3.5-4 years roughly. That’s not the sort of sentence you might get for a one of case of shoplifting or hitting someone in self defence one time (because they are likely the stories he would fabricate if it got found out he had been in jail). I think things like ABH carries a maximum of 5 year sentence, for example. Carrying weapons can give similar sentences. There are a number of sexual activity crimes, including with children, where the sentence is 5 years max. If he was in jail, I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my child given his behaviour towards him already.

Good luck OP, I understand this isn’t easy, but we’ll done for encouraging your DS to confide in you. Now make sure he knows you will follow through on protecting him.

The OP doesn’t have any more information on this man than she’s posted. MIL was talking to him for a few weeks (I assume online) during the first lockdown and then he moved in. No information as to why he had few belongings - MIL just seems to have taken him at face value. It was 2020 so I doubt if there’s any point in asking those questions now. There could have been a simple explanation for a 20 month gap on his CV - it was on his linked in page and he may just have simply not updated it. He has a job with the council so there may have been no need. And you seem to be running with the idea that he’s been in prison with absolutely no evidence to suggest that. Hopefully the OP will update to let us know how things go, as it’s quite worrying isn’t it ?

Daisybuttercup12345 · 20/02/2023 12:00

Our little one wanted her own way yesterday, burst into tears and said her Dad had just bitten her. He was walking in front with her sister!!
But in this case I would believe your child.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 20/02/2023 12:03

Babetti · 18/02/2023 13:01

It's hard to believe that some adults still think that it's ok to smack children.

I think you and your husband can tell her what's happened (assuming that she doesn't know) and explain that the consequence is that her partner isn't going to be in your children's lives.

It's her choice if she wants to end the relationship but if they were children in the 60s and 70s and parents on the 80s and 90s, their views on smacking may be informed by growing up and raising a family when smacking was seen as an acceptable way to discipline children.

This. But smacking round the head is even worse than smacking the legs. Terrible.

AnnieSnap · 20/02/2023 12:25

GettingStuffed · 20/02/2023 11:51

I'm not trying to justify smacking, I only ever smacked my daughter once and she smacked me back harder , I had a headache for hours after. Teenage rebellion.

how old is he? Not smacking children really became a thing in the 90s, until then it was acceptable and for decades before that it was seen as the "correct" way to discipline children.

If he's over 60 he was probably smacked and still thinks it's acceptable in private.

I'd not let my my son go there at all.

I do take your point, there are older people who think like that. However, plenty of people over 60, including my husband (70 this year) and I never smacked (hit) our children and don’t approve of doing so. It’s no excuse, not acceptable at all. Plus this man isn’t even related to the child, so he must know it’s wrong.

ReneBumsWombats · 20/02/2023 12:32

Even if it were true that everyone over 60 smacked their children, and it clearly isn't, it still wasn't normal to hit other people's children, nor round the head...and you'd have to be a special kind of sadistic dimwit not to have got the memo within the last 30 years that even if people did think bashing kids around was good at one point, it's well known now not to be.

I'm not trying to justify smacking, I only ever smacked my daughter once and she smacked me back harder , I had a headache for hours after. Teenage rebellion.

Good for her. Why were you smacking a teenager anyway? I thought the reasoning was that it was good only as long as they were too small and young to be able to hit you back.

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