My MILs partner smacked our 3 year old

[BubblingRage]

Sorry for this being very long winded!
A bit of background first. MIL moved her new partner into her house after talking to each other for a month during the first lockdown. Everything was very quick and he seemingly arrived at her house with nothing. No furniture, towels, tv… literally just a handful of clothes. I always found him a bit “iffy” and refused to let my then 2 year old round to his nanny’s without me or my husband being there. (Once lockdown lifted obviously). Fast forward nearly 2 years and I’ve warmed to him, so I finally agree for my MIL to have our 3 and 1 year old overnight near Christmas so we could go out a celebrate my birthday. For a couple of weeks afterwards my 3 year old didn’t want “nanny” and (I shall refer to him as) “R” to come round our house. He also started not wanting to go round to nanny’s house either. This was very unusual as he usually dotes on his nan. Alarm bells starting ringing.
They came round to ours on Boxing Day as their surrogate Christmas Day. I noticed that R was often rolling his eyes and shaking his head at our DS. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was just an excited 3 year old at Christmas!
DS didn’t mention anything for a couple of weeks so I assumed he’d forgotten all about whatever was bugging him. Every so often he would drop into conversation or just randomly say that he doesn’t like “R”. I lightly questioned him about it but never really got a proper answer out of him. My DH asked MIL if anything had happened. She said R told DS off for throwing a dice. So we assumed that was what was wrong!
This morning DS randomly said again that he doesn’t like R. I sat him down and said that I will always help him. I always believe him and will never be angry or sad if he tells me what is bothering him and that I will always help him. But that I can’t help him if he doesn’t tell me what’s wrong. He then said that “R” smacked him round the head when he had a sleepover at nanny’s. Nanny had gone to get him a drink, DS was playing with a dice and R smacked him. He didn’t tell him off or shout, just smacked him.
I am beyond livid and although he’s only 3, I believe my son implicitly.
I don’t know what to do. We’re going to mention it to MIL and not let DS round to their house. But I feel like that’s not enough!
im just absolutely gutted for my son. And I’m so annoyed that I didn’t listen to my own instinct.
What would you do in this situation?!

I would actually contact the police over this. This grown man has physically assaulted your three year old son.

This.

That's very serious.

He took the opportunity of your MIL being out of the room to assault your child.

I think it absolutely is a police matter.

I wouldn't be too concerned about your MIL feelings in this.

Yes report to police. Fucking cunt

Believe your son, and keep him away from this man. Have you considered that he might have been in prison? That would explain the moving in with no stuff. I would be concerned that your MIL knows v little about this man. I would simply tell your MIL - DS said this, we believe him, we don't want anything to do with R ever again. Don't bother with the gentle questioning, the trust is gone now. Nothing this man says is going to make you feel ok.

The fact that he arrived with just the clothes on his back is very very worrying. His background needs looking into for that alone. Was he just out of clink or something?

PS I meant to add, that's not a "smack". A smack would be a tap to the bottom or hand. Noone smacks a child on the head. I don't agree with smacking either but I accept it's normal for many older people, hitting on the head is just violence.

I would go ballistic and probably smack him in the face.

Under Claire's Law this is domestic violence and I'm not sure you can check as it has to be the partner eg MIL

Sarah's law is for the sex offender check but this will not show if he's hit a child before.

I wouldn't be trusting him from day one. Your MIL clearly has poor boundaries as well.

Keep kids away from this man and do the relevant checks As mentioned by other posters but bear in mind that they are only of use if he’s already known to the police . I’d personally do this before talking to MIL .

It will be hard now because R will say your son is lying, he will downplay it to your MIL and it will become a case of you overreacting or your son being precious etc.
Believing your son and acting on it, is so wonderful, you are showing him that you will always have his back and look after him, just like he knows that being hit wasn't ok, he will now know that you being there for him after he told you is what real love looks like.

Don't be surprised if she denies anything happened and doesn't believe you. Don't expect her to throw him out either, some women will ignore warning signs or dodgy behaviour because in their eyes their dh / dp can't do any wrong even though the evidence is right under their nose. Also for some any piece of shit is better thn being on there own, a bit like a valiation that they can get a man even if it means scrapping the bottom of the barrel.
Look after your ds first and foremost and don't let your dp dismiss it either.

Something happened because your MIL reported the throwing of the dice to you. Add to that the child's reluctance to go to their house. You are right to be suspicious.
I think your MIL knows because she would have come back into the room (which had a serving hatch so she was within earshot) with a shocked and upset child. She would have heard something.
Being told off at age three by her recent partner for throwing a dice (which are objects made to be thrown surely) is over the top anyway.

Why was the partner telling him off anyway if that is all the child was doing?

If I was the MIL I would have been questioning this and annoyed the partner was taking it upon himself to tell off my 3-year-old grandson, when I was meters away. The child was left in MIL's care. Not the partner's care.
The question is why hasn't she said anything? If she's playing the incident down, I'd be wary of her too.

Don’t let him anywhere near your son ever! and definitely get him background checked.

I’d thank my lucky stars i’d found out that he’s a dangerous adult and can now keep my children away from him permanently.

I also would not be speaking to the mil again if she plays it down or stays with him. She won’t be any more trustworthy than him if she doesn’t take it seriously.

I'd speak to mil and let her know but everything with this guy sounds a bit sketchy so I wouldn't be overly surprised if she doesn't rush to kick him out he sounds like he knows just what to say to her and will probably deny all knowledge. I wouldn't cut all contact with your mil because I think one day she might need help to get rid of him, but he wouldn't get seeing my child again supervised or otherwise. I'd let mil have supervised contact so she's not tempted to meet up with him and give access that way. That's a horrible situation and I'd believe your son too. I remember being smacked (not hard) once by an aunt who was otherwise extremely good to me. It would never have made me suddenly not want to see her so i think whatever happened he's scared your son and likely acted in temper. Don't beat yourself up, we unfortunately can't protect our children from every hardship but we can certainly act when we know something is wrong. You have information now you didn't have before so hindsight is 2020.

if they were children in the 60s and 70s and parents on the 80s and 90s, their views on smacking may be informed by growing up and raising a family when smacking was seen as an acceptable way to discipline children.

Smacking on the hand or bottom, yes. Smacking a young child round the head, no, not even at that time.

Your ds should have no further contact with him.

this.

It’s human nature to want to hit the roof, but it’s entirely likely the MIL doesn’t know and hasn’t done anything wrong here, and while it absolutely is possible that the DS is telling the truth,this does need looking at carefully. We’re talking about something which happened months ago, three year olds don’t always remember correctly.

I would definitely keep them apart but I wouldn’t rush in there all guns blazing and start issuing ultimatums to MIL who A, may have no idea, and B, be in an abusive relationship with this man.

You can keep your DS away from him without having to blow up a storm where there may be other victims.

Tell your mil to get rid of him or she doesn't have anymore contact with her grandson.

He smacked a child round the head so thats assault. If you did that to an adult down the pub, you would expect police to be called.

I would be reporting to the police first and then telling MIL. Your child comes first. Tell her you will categorically not see her when he’s there, only see her on her own and not at their house.

keep calm, dont go swearing or hitting anyone until you have decided what you want to do. He will surely deny it anyway. Its your choice how to proceed.

Juts take a moment to speak to MIL calmly with your DH and try and gather some more information.

so many good things said here. I’m so glad everyone seems on the same page for the most part.

I just - I am actually shaking and nearly crying I cannot abide this. It is everything that is wrong with the world and it’s not ok.

Lots of very measured advice so I won’t muddy your waters.

of course - never, ever let that man near your son again and personally, I would probably not want my son anywhere away from me for some time, in large part because of how he must be feeling and to try to mend any damage to his little self - he just needs safety and mama and no stress as he probably feels generally anxious now and that could go bad if not dealt with. Please be sure to tell him how awful that was and how wrong - as I am SURE you already have, and for certain congratulate him on telling you. Little ones can find it so hard to communicate this stuff.

I just can barely breathe - I’m sorry. If it was mine I think I’d try to restrain myself but would fail and would just rock right round there and blast the living daylights out of the guy. Or get as far as the door, breathe very deeply for ten minutes, then walk away and do something more “proper”. But still. I have oft said, as a pretty peaceful person, if anyone ever lays a finger on any of my kids - i would be capable of violence.

Sending hugs.

This a 100 times...

Before you speak to MiL ring 101 and get it logged they can follow it up and absolutely no contact with them Until there is some sort of resolution

How awful tho I really feel for you but it will get sorted ❤️