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Original poster

My MILs partner smacked our 3 year old

284 replies

BubblingRage · 18/02/2023 12:46

Sorry for this being very long winded!
A bit of background first. MIL moved her new partner into her house after talking to each other for a month during the first lockdown. Everything was very quick and he seemingly arrived at her house with nothing. No furniture, towels, tv… literally just a handful of clothes. I always found him a bit “iffy” and refused to let my then 2 year old round to his nanny’s without me or my husband being there. (Once lockdown lifted obviously). Fast forward nearly 2 years and I’ve warmed to him, so I finally agree for my MIL to have our 3 and 1 year old overnight near Christmas so we could go out a celebrate my birthday. For a couple of weeks afterwards my 3 year old didn’t want “nanny” and (I shall refer to him as) “R” to come round our house. He also started not wanting to go round to nanny’s house either. This was very unusual as he usually dotes on his nan. Alarm bells starting ringing.
They came round to ours on Boxing Day as their surrogate Christmas Day. I noticed that R was often rolling his eyes and shaking his head at our DS. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was just an excited 3 year old at Christmas!
DS didn’t mention anything for a couple of weeks so I assumed he’d forgotten all about whatever was bugging him. Every so often he would drop into conversation or just randomly say that he doesn’t like “R”. I lightly questioned him about it but never really got a proper answer out of him. My DH asked MIL if anything had happened. She said R told DS off for throwing a dice. So we assumed that was what was wrong!
This morning DS randomly said again that he doesn’t like R. I sat him down and said that I will always help him. I always believe him and will never be angry or sad if he tells me what is bothering him and that I will always help him. But that I can’t help him if he doesn’t tell me what’s wrong. He then said that “R” smacked him round the head when he had a sleepover at nanny’s. Nanny had gone to get him a drink, DS was playing with a dice and R smacked him. He didn’t tell him off or shout, just smacked him.
I am beyond livid and although he’s only 3, I believe my son implicitly.
I don’t know what to do. We’re going to mention it to MIL and not let DS round to their house. But I feel like that’s not enough!
im just absolutely gutted for my son. And I’m so annoyed that I didn’t listen to my own instinct.
What would you do in this situation?!

OP posts:
Languagelanguage · 18/02/2023 13:28

JFDIYOLO · 18/02/2023 13:16

Well done!

Police check definitely.

Calm conversation with MIL stating what he did, that you believe your DC entirely, that this man will not be entering your home again and that your DC will not be going to hers.

Because she is choosing to enable an abusive man.

What she does next will tell you all you need to know about her.

This.

Tophy124 · 18/02/2023 13:29

Never ever let him go there again. You know now you can trust your MiL either. My stomach dropped reading this incase some other kind of abuse had taken place and I wouldn’t risk it.

Well done for supporting your son and now keep both your babies safe. So sorry this has happened! Make your DH confront his mother x

SpookyBlackCat · 18/02/2023 13:29

I really don’t see the police doing anything here. Of course no more sleepovers or visits and tell MIL why but don’t go round there and have a go because I think that may escalate the situation.

SpookyBlackCat · 18/02/2023 13:30

I mean, yes to the police check but no to reporting it as assault.

Tophy124 · 18/02/2023 13:31

It’s also peeved me off reading how rude he was to your son, in your sons own home! If he cannot treat everyone in your home with kindness then he isn’t welcome. Horrible, horrible man. I’d also be tempted to do what previous posters suggested and get a police check (not sure the name of it) but to see if there’s any reason he shouldn’t be around children. Keep yours away from him regardless x

custardbear · 18/02/2023 13:32

Definitely get him checked out. Then calmly discuss with MIL ... husband should take the lead... and no excuses accepted. He doesn't come to your home, she can, they're not going to her home. End of conversation

fortheloveofflowers · 18/02/2023 13:33

It is assault of a minor. It is illegal to hit a child around the head.

musingsinmidlife · 18/02/2023 13:36

3 year old retelling of events are rarely 100% accurate but you have his changed behaviour and other factors to support that something happened, even if it isn't exactly as he recalls it. I wouldn't get into a debate over exactly what happened with MIL as it is quite likely that her partner will protest and it puts her in the middle of an account by a 3 year old and an account by an adult who is her partner. I would focus on how he feels and how his behaviour has changed and just stick to your point that regardless of what exactly happened, he won't be around partner again.

Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 13:39

I’m not sure why you’re on here asking first and what to do? How come you don’t know? Speak to her, tell her and tell her due to this your son won’t be around him going forward. Better yet. Get your husband to do it. It’s his mother.

Jamiesgran · 18/02/2023 13:41

ArcticSkewer · 18/02/2023 12:49

That's awful!

I'm sure there are lots of things you can do but I actually would start by asking the police to do a background check on him using the Sarah's Law/Claire's law.

This. I’d not be livid I’d be digging as far as I could on this man.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/02/2023 13:42

What I'd like to do is go around (minus the 3 yr old) and when MiL is out of the room, give R a slap around their head and go "There! Not nice when someone does it to you for no genuine reason is it? Don't you fucking touch my son again or it won't just be a smack around the head you get, understood?" and then put on a show for MiL because that is clearly what R did to your son.

What I would actually do is invite MiL around to my house but only her, not R. I would sit her down and tell her that she has a choice to make. She can either end her relationship with R, with immediate effect or she can no longer see her grandson. That's it. They are the choices. She picks. By all means tell her why but it will 100% be her choice and her decision and she has to live with whatever one she picks.

MeridianB · 18/02/2023 13:45

You and DH need to talk to MIL without R being around. It will be interesting to know if she had any inkling and see her reaction.

Agree with others on no more contact with R.

louise5754 · 18/02/2023 13:45

I don't understand why you didn't question your son more 3 months ago.

What if he's done something to your one year old and they can't speak to tell you?

Why all of a sudden did you trust him on that night?

kidsatuniemptynester · 18/02/2023 13:45

The no stuff, no furniture, no previous life bit is a bit weird too; where did he come from, does he have family or established friends? Or is he moving from one relationship to another? Frankly, your MiL needs to check her boundaries. My DD had a friend whose Mother brought a bloke into their home; no family to speak of, a very low skilled job given his age and evident education, had just moved into the area. It didn't end well for any of them, no sexual abuse, but malicious and controlling behaviour, and after her divorce settlement was spent, he was off leaving her with two more children. You and DH need to question his Mother about this man's background, apart from his totally unacceptable behaviour with your children, he may be leaching off your MiL; does he work, does he contribute? Oh, and grandma can only see the grandchildren at yours, and without him accompanying her.

Comedycook · 18/02/2023 13:46

I'd report him to the police without hesitation

Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 13:47

LookItsMeAgain · 18/02/2023 13:42

What I'd like to do is go around (minus the 3 yr old) and when MiL is out of the room, give R a slap around their head and go "There! Not nice when someone does it to you for no genuine reason is it? Don't you fucking touch my son again or it won't just be a smack around the head you get, understood?" and then put on a show for MiL because that is clearly what R did to your son.

What I would actually do is invite MiL around to my house but only her, not R. I would sit her down and tell her that she has a choice to make. She can either end her relationship with R, with immediate effect or she can no longer see her grandson. That's it. They are the choices. She picks. By all means tell her why but it will 100% be her choice and her decision and she has to live with whatever one she picks.

For goodness sake. Some folks really get into it and dream up mad drama.

op, speak to your husband . It’s his mother. His son. Clearly she can’t see your son anymore if he’s present.but she can come round alone, especially as you’re sure she didn’t know.

don’t go in there giving wild ultimatums to end her relationship or never see her grandchild. That’s ludicrous. She can do what she wishes when not In your home. But he can’t be welcome or be round your son again and your son needs to know this.

Newuser82 · 18/02/2023 13:48

musingsinmidlife · 18/02/2023 13:36

3 year old retelling of events are rarely 100% accurate but you have his changed behaviour and other factors to support that something happened, even if it isn't exactly as he recalls it. I wouldn't get into a debate over exactly what happened with MIL as it is quite likely that her partner will protest and it puts her in the middle of an account by a 3 year old and an account by an adult who is her partner. I would focus on how he feels and how his behaviour has changed and just stick to your point that regardless of what exactly happened, he won't be around partner again.

That's really good advice!

mamabear715 · 18/02/2023 13:50

This Mamabear's claws would be straight into his bloody throat..

Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 13:52

Comedycook · 18/02/2023 13:46

I'd report him to the police without hesitation

Sadly in England it is not illegal to hit a child. It is in Scotland nI and wales. As well as most of main land Europe. But in England. Nope. You can assault a child all you want as long as you don’t leave a mark.

rogueone · 18/02/2023 13:53

Your DS has been telling you for months he isn’t happy: he told you he didn’t want to see his grandmother and now is telling you he doesn’t like R. He is telling you he isn’t happy. Keep your DC away from this man. You should have trusted your instincts 2 yrs ago. I would worry what else this man had been doing to your DC. I would take him to the GP too and get him Physically checked and get this man’s background checked as a matter of urgency oh and if he had been hitting your DC there is no way your MIL
wouldn’t know as he would have been screaming .

forrestgreen · 18/02/2023 13:54

Mentioning is enough.

She needs a conversation on her own without him.

Explain what happened, that you will not accept that either ds has lied, or 'he deserved it' or 'it wasn't that hard' etc

The bf will have no contact with ds, he's not invited over, and your children will not visit mil whilst she's in a relationship with him.

None of this is negotiable, if she pushes back it's because her bf is more important than her gc

MaireadMcSweeney · 18/02/2023 13:54

OP cannot do a police check
she can't do a Clare's law
only the partner can have a disclosure. She could request it on MIL's behalf but they would only disclose to MIL.

forrestgreen · 18/02/2023 13:54

Mentioning in NOT enough

Argh

Soakitup37 · 18/02/2023 13:54

Newuser82 · 18/02/2023 13:48

That's really good advice!

Show quote history

Agreed. I’d rather stand by my son who’s possibly embellished the story than a relative stranger who’s very possibly hit my child.

if it’s not true then the only reaction is expect is for him to mortified that your ds is upset. Any anger to a defence I would take as guilty and absolutely never any contact again

OrangeClubTub · 18/02/2023 13:55

Don’t let your DC near him again. In the meantime, do a police check on him and see what it throws up, and speak to MIL in private about it and see what she says