My MILs partner smacked our 3 year old

[BubblingRage]

Sorry for this being very long winded!
A bit of background first. MIL moved her new partner into her house after talking to each other for a month during the first lockdown. Everything was very quick and he seemingly arrived at her house with nothing. No furniture, towels, tv… literally just a handful of clothes. I always found him a bit “iffy” and refused to let my then 2 year old round to his nanny’s without me or my husband being there. (Once lockdown lifted obviously). Fast forward nearly 2 years and I’ve warmed to him, so I finally agree for my MIL to have our 3 and 1 year old overnight near Christmas so we could go out a celebrate my birthday. For a couple of weeks afterwards my 3 year old didn’t want “nanny” and (I shall refer to him as) “R” to come round our house. He also started not wanting to go round to nanny’s house either. This was very unusual as he usually dotes on his nan. Alarm bells starting ringing.
They came round to ours on Boxing Day as their surrogate Christmas Day. I noticed that R was often rolling his eyes and shaking his head at our DS. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was just an excited 3 year old at Christmas!
DS didn’t mention anything for a couple of weeks so I assumed he’d forgotten all about whatever was bugging him. Every so often he would drop into conversation or just randomly say that he doesn’t like “R”. I lightly questioned him about it but never really got a proper answer out of him. My DH asked MIL if anything had happened. She said R told DS off for throwing a dice. So we assumed that was what was wrong!
This morning DS randomly said again that he doesn’t like R. I sat him down and said that I will always help him. I always believe him and will never be angry or sad if he tells me what is bothering him and that I will always help him. But that I can’t help him if he doesn’t tell me what’s wrong. He then said that “R” smacked him round the head when he had a sleepover at nanny’s. Nanny had gone to get him a drink, DS was playing with a dice and R smacked him. He didn’t tell him off or shout, just smacked him.
I am beyond livid and although he’s only 3, I believe my son implicitly.
I don’t know what to do. We’re going to mention it to MIL and not let DS round to their house. But I feel like that’s not enough!
im just absolutely gutted for my son. And I’m so annoyed that I didn’t listen to my own instinct.
What would you do in this situation?!

I am so sorry that this happened to your little boy. This man must NEVER see him again even with you present - you owe this to your child. I would absolutely report this to he police - he may have previous for similar abuse - and also tell MIL.
My initial reaction, were this my child, would probably land me in court.

She can't!!!

Honestly - don’t think I could contain myself - you know yourself, a child that age doesn’t hold onto something unless it’s really really affected them.

if it where me - He’d be lucky to still be breathing (unless it was through a tube, staring at a white ceiling - child abusers deserve nothing less imo)

It was obvious. You were pointing out the irony of a child being punished for throwing something that's literally made to be thrown.

That is outrageous. He could have hurt him really badly. Your mother in law has to know. Your son would have told her and that is why he does not want to see her either because she did nothing.

It sounds as though your MIL genuinely didn’t know he’d smacked her GS. A simple smack would be bad enough but you describe it as he ‘smacked him round the head’ which to my mind risks serious harm and should be treated as assault. I would definitely go for a background check using Claire’s law or Sarah’s law and I would also report it to the police. In the meantime, keep DS away from the house until you have a clearer idea of this man’s history. Obviously you can’t insist that your MIL kick him out, but if something is flagged up at the background check then make her aware of it - you may have more leverage if it turns out she has a reason to be concerned for her own safety.

Can I ask is your MIL recently widowed or divorced ? Or was she badly affected by lockdown ? It’s just that, with respect, it seems to be a red flag of something not quite right, when a mature woman moves a man into presumably what was her marital home after just a month of talking. And for him to turn up to live there with next to no belongings is another major one. I think your initial gut feeling was perhaps the right one.

One of my kids told my mum tales of how she was hit at home, probably around 3. This never happened, but my mums response was “children that age always tell the truth”, which funnily enough, changed when my child said that she did the same…again, it never happened.

As it is, I would be incredibly wary of a person after being told something like this but at the same time, he suddenly whacked this child round the head, out of no where? I’d have a chat with your MIL and ask if anything happened when the child stayed, cards close to your chest at first.

Go round smack him in the fucking head and see how he likes it. Your MIL knows by the way, she knows her partner hit your child. He would have been crying and holding his head. Get them out of your life.

I would go absolutely ballistic...

But I think it is probably better to play it this way:

• ask your MIL to meet you and your husband somewhere neutral (like a quiet cafe) on her own
• tell her calmly what happened and that you will no longer give any access to your child to this man as of today but also that you will keep the child away from her too, unless she immediately ends the relationship with him
• that you think the guy is bad news all around and very likely charmed his way into her life and then yours by hiding his true nature and is likely to have a previous history of violence or even of gaining access to/abusing kids through gullible women.

Then you walk off and let her make her decision as to whether she puts this man first or you and your kid.

You might also want to discuss this to the police and get further advice from them.

No. You can apply for information on the partner of a friend or relative if you think they may be at risk. You can also apply as a parent if your child comes into contact with that person. In addition if the OP reports the incident to the police, they will advise of any potential issues even if the OP doesn’t initiate the background check.

She already asked. MIL said her partner shouted at her GS - nothing about hitting him.

If he did smack your son that’s very wrong… but… children do say things that aren’t always true so you need to approach this with an open mind. I would personally sit R and MIL down with my DH and tell them what DS has said.

Sadly you will never know exactly what happened and so it’s probably best to avoid leaving the children there alone when R is there. It’s very sad that MIL doesn’t get to see the DC though because of something R may or may not have done so I think it’s important to have her there during the conversation.

Does R have his own children or grandchildren? It would be interesting to know what those relationships are like. He’s obviously a bit quick tempered based on being irritable around the children.

Im by no means suggesting you turn a blind eye or assume your child’s made it up, but try not to go in all guns blazing which is every mums first instinct isn’t it? Try and stay on the moral high ground and talk calmly about the situation.

My then 3 year old DC once said he’d stolen some money when we were looking for a lost £20 note and that he’d buried it down the end of the garden. Turned out he was completely fibbing and it turned out one of the other adults in the house had helped themselves to it as we later established.

This in spades!

You show your son that you meant it when you said you'll always help him. That man never goes anywhere near him again. Tell his nan what happened, how it's been affecting DS and that if she wants to continue a relationship with them she comes to yours alone.

Excellent advice

It's my understanding that the results of a check would only be disclosed to MIL, but really what matters is to keep DS out of this man's way and the above will accomplish that

It’s very sad that MIL doesn’t get to see the DC though because of something R may or may not have done so I think it’s important to have her there during the conversation

Depending on MIL'ss reaction when she's told there may not be any need for this - presumably she'd still be able to visit OP/DH and see the lad at theirs

Really well put. I also have a safeguarding background and would agree with comments about sensitive handling and not making blind assumptions.

there are loads of judgemental assumptions on this thread eg maybe he’s been in prison which automatically makes him an axe wielding lunatic…

Can you imagine if it isn’t true? And this persons been accused but hasn’t done anything? Can you imagine being accused by a child and not having done anything?

If it were my kid I would err on the side of caution and avoid R being allowed near my children but I wouldnt go barging in kicking and screaming and frankly some of the advice to go in and use violence is just as bad as what he’s been accused of doing.

There is a way you can do a background check but it wouldn’t be you who gets the info I don’t think. It would be MIL. There’s Claire’s law, they give any info to the new partner (MIL) but Sarah’s law may give you access I’m not sure? Or again it might go to MIL but either way she would be informed and could then make a decision based on facts. If there is no background then MIL would never know you’d checked and alleged perpetrator wouldn’t know either way… unless MIL told him

Of course, I’m sure there are ways around it

Regardless if you can or not get more information on him, What does it achieve ???

No contact at all with your children, without you being there…
Or better still can your mil come to you alone???

Please, don't go in all guns blzing! That only gets people's backs up, everyone gets riled, and nothing is achieved.

R is going to angrily deny it, or make light of it. Doubt very much he will admit it. So I'd suggest you keep your powder dry for a bit. Now you know there is something amiss, you can protect your children. That's the important thing for now.

I've no idea whether you can get any sort of check done on his background but you could start and do a little research of your own. Start with a google search. If he has been in prison for example, there might be a report of a court case. Though of course he might not be using his real name if he has anything to hide. Does he have any friends or family? Where is he originally from? Exs, children? What do you actually know about him? Does he have social media? Electoral register? Any links to his past?

What's your impression of his relationship with your MIL? Does she seem happy with him? Surely to goodness he must have divulged something about where he's come from to her at some point? And what on earth possessed her to move him in when she didn't actually know him? Does she have 'form' for irrational decisions like this?

I'd also get advice on what to do re child protection issues. Maybe Citizen's Advice could point you in the right direction.

I think you need to arm yourself with as much information as you can get and then decide how you are going to deal with it.

I am so sorry this has happened to your poor child.

I would report it to the police and at the same time ask them to do a Sarah’s law check. This is for parents whose child has contact with someone who may pose a risk. You can ask for this at the same time as you report the assault. I would visit your local police station and do it face to face. A formal record, even if nothing comes of it, may be helpful. You can also talk to the police about your feelings of unease that this man just appeared…they are very used to this and would rather deal with it now than a more serious case later on.

Dont feel guilty in any way. You role as parents is to protect your children.

I think a background check in a situation where you have a potentially risky person with access to children, can help you to understand what you’re dealing with. Equally, if there is no background, unnecessary assumptions can be avoided

You could ring the NSPCC for advice and support.

Going against the grain but think your implicit belief in the allegations of your 3 year old ( who is known for lying) is misplaced

1. By your admission he has form for lying ' I’ve held onto his arm and got down to his level to explain something. He’s accused me of pinching him'
   So when you tell him off and he says you are pinching him its a lie, but when R tells him off and DS says he is smacking him about the head , it's true?

2. At the other side of serving hatch your MIL could definitely hear the difference between a smack arounf the head and the ensuing yelp of pain , and a telling off.

3. DS didnt want his nanny to coem to the house either.f they both told him off this makes sense, if only R hit him , it doesn't
   4 He didnt mention it for 3 months, and only mentioned it when you told him you would believe anything that came out of his mouth

You are right to be cautious around this man, but expecting your MIL to break up with him, or bringing charges of assault on the word of a 3 year old with a track record of lying, is for the birds