Ghosted and bewildered

[hondagirl500]

I live in a very rural area, miles from nearest town etc. so friends are along distance away. No family within 200 miles.

with my husband we have spent about 5 years renovating our property which has been very hard work. Friends we met back then came and helped occasionally with a bit of painting or whatever which was great.
over the time, we gradually met more people in area and would occasionally meet up for drinks, have a bbq together etc. all good. One particular friend had more gatherings at her place as it was more central to everyone and there was more space.
we had a WhatsApp group to keep in touch, chat etc. but gradually over the last few months I noticed that when I joined a chat, there were no replies, just a 👍. If I tried to start a conversation, no one would comment, just 👍. Proper replies to everyone else!
eventually I called them out on this. Apparently I ‘talk too much’. Um. I barely see them in real life as all to distant so any ‘talking’ is text/WhatsApp - surely they can scroll by?????
the central friend was the instigator- has now blocked me and got others in the group to do the same. I feel bewildered as to why she did this, only thing I can think is jealousy of our house and our business we run that is doing well.
why do so called adults treat people like this?

Why assume jealousy rather than you get on their nerves by talking too much as they ve said? No one's forced to host people after all.

Do you talk too much though? Are you the type who interrupts/dominates conversations? Both in RL and over the WhatsApp group?

Why leap to the immediate conclusion that they are jealous of you?

Do you talk a lot about your house and business? It's easy to fall into boasting without really meaning too or for some remarks to be inferred as boasting.

Maybe they didn't want to say this, so have given you an excuse which touches on this but doesn't actually say it.

It is unlikely that grown adults , with whom you got along, have been influenced to ghost you if they had no reason to do so,

Sometimes, we do have to examine our own conscience and it might be a good idea to find some quiet time to do that.

If you still feel that you have done nothing which might have led to this, then you are better without them and you find new friends.

Do you talk too much, or talk over people?

I have a friend who does this. Every time I start talking about something in my life, she ALWAYS interrupts and starts going on about her family and her life. There's not much point in me being there to be honest! It's really irritating.

Could it be something like that?

Do you talk too much?
I have a friend like that. She doesn't know when to stop talking.

We went for a walk on the beach recently and she talked all the way down the beach and all the way back, without stopping.
Couldn't get a word in. She does have ADHD though.

I have a colleague who dominates group message chats and conversation. It will feel hurtful but you could take the feedback into account.

I had a uni friend who once said after a few sherbets I also talked too much so I took it into account. So much so that now on nights out my colleagues comment I am very quiet. You can’t win. Every day is a learning day!

I do talk, but do not interrupt others or talk over them. In fact when out in a group I am the quiet one awaiting my turn to say something!
as I said, most of our ‘chats’ are on line, so if I am ‘writing’ something they don’t like, they can always scroll by.

You have been given honest feedback and you are responding by being defensive and accusing.

Maybe you do talk too much? Maybe you don't show enough interest in them?

I went to a thing today with 5 strangers and one of the women talked SO much omg it was so irritating.

We cannot know, but obviously you have been enough of an irritation to drive them to this. Maybe learn from this. Be more mindful of how you treat others.

Do you dominate the WhatsApp chat? I have a friend who does this. Every comment someone makes, she manages to turn it, make it about her then bombard the chat. Some of us mute the group from time to time for a break and there are even breakout groups which she’s not on to prevent her domination.

You “called them out”. 🙄 That says a lot, just using that sentence. You are aggressive and I expect you talk too much, I also expect you brag a fair bit when you do talk.

The point that jumped out to me was you saying they could 'scroll on by' - that's what they did, with the occasional emoji, but you called them out on not replying - do you see what I mean?

With the way this has panned out you can try to accept that these people were just 'not your tribe'
keep being open and friendly with new people, being aware of talking too much (if that was even a thing) and you'll either gel or you won't - we're mostly all marmite if you know what I mean, some people will love us, other people won't.

I don’t dominate the chat - the ‘central friend’ did that. It was all’ come to mine for drinks/party/bbq etc. everything she posted was revolving around her and her place. If she had a bbq for example, everyone would immediately be on there going ‘awesome bbq, thanks for making memories’ type cringe posts. I would always express thanks but not fawn all over her.
my contributions to chat were mostly when there was a good offer on in local supermarket or when is there a band on next?

Sounds like you don't really like these people anyway.

most of our ‘chats’ are on line, so if I am ‘writing’ something they don’t like, they can always scroll by.

They did, you complained they weren't replying to you enough. That is a really weird thing to do.

You've had very blunt feedback, both by being blocked and here, that you need to put more effort into making others feel heard if you want more friends. You can listen to it or not.

Tbh you sound somewhat full of yourself.

You said that you do talk but as it’s online they can just scroll on by. Well they did, and then you “called them out on it,” then when they told you what the issue was you accuse them being jealous of your success.

Come on, it’s not hard to see why they have distanced themselves from you.

In terms of just scrolling on by, it’s impossible to do that when someone is flooding a whatsapp chat with inain rubbish about bargains and gigs when actually the whatsapp was clearly a place where they socialised or discussed socialising.

I think they should have said something rather than singling you out and you having to call them out. Even if it was a lighthearted comment like X slow down. It's immature blocking you and you don't need people like that in your life. I don't think it's jealousy just bitchiness. I don't know why people are giving you a hard time.

If none of them has even hinted of this being an issue before, I'm surprised that their first steps were so coordinated and definite - to all make fun and then block you. Is there anyone in the group that didn't seem to be going along with it so much/to whom you're a bit closer? I would start by messaging them separately to say that you're sorry that's how you've come across and see if there's anything more to it. Hope you get to the bottom of it - that must have been a really difficult message to receive.

So an entire group of people starts distancing themselves from you, you "call them out", they tell you plainly why they're distancing themselves then ALL decide to block you... And you think all of them are the problem rather than you? And that the reason they gave is not acceptable or believable and they must ALL be jealous of you?

Right.

The kind of thing you were posting about jarred with the general chat. So when they say you talk too much they mean you talk too much about the ‘wrong’ thing. You sound much more interesting but obviously the like the chat (fawning) they generally do.
IME grown women don’t block people it’s weird, childish and rude.

Do you know any of these people well enough to message them and ask for more details? Ask have you offended someone?

How did it go from you questioning what was going on to them blocking you???? Did you argue back after 'calling them out' and accuse them of jealousy? I'm struggling to see how it escalated.

I thought this too. The fact the person got others to unfriend you too. Sound like sheep. And I hate the fawning crap too

The type of person who calls someone out for not responding to messages how they want tends to have a very intense personality, including talking too much.

I think also that you’ve jumped to the conclusion jealousy rather than actually listening to them is telling, that perhaps you do lack self awareness.

Some friendships fade over time. This is one of them.

Sounds like she's top dog and you don't want to be her underdog.
Accept it move on. These people aren't your friends

I think the central friend has picked up on the fact that although you like being in the group you didn't admire her excessively and that made her feel indignant, she had brought you in to her group! (she will see it as HER group if I have got the picture of her here) and yet you aren't so grateful that you're fawning over her! You aren't acting like your biggest fear is losing her friendship!?!

I notice the others in the group did in a very minimal way respond to you with a thumbs up. I think it has been decided by the central friend that you are annoying them all. And anything you do will feed in to that narrative.

Many years ago I was the sheep in one of these situations and although the woman was a little bit annoying in some regards, so we all I'm sure of it.

Don't they say that a group without any cohesive sense of identity creates a sense of 'self' (group self) by excluding somebody.

I think this is what's happened to you.

I'd block them all. Don't let them off the hook. If you see them out say hello, are you ok, it's just so unpleasant and childish to exclude me for being.............chatty, are you all ok????????