Ghosted and bewildered

[hondagirl500]

I live in a very rural area, miles from nearest town etc. so friends are along distance away. No family within 200 miles.

with my husband we have spent about 5 years renovating our property which has been very hard work. Friends we met back then came and helped occasionally with a bit of painting or whatever which was great.
over the time, we gradually met more people in area and would occasionally meet up for drinks, have a bbq together etc. all good. One particular friend had more gatherings at her place as it was more central to everyone and there was more space.
we had a WhatsApp group to keep in touch, chat etc. but gradually over the last few months I noticed that when I joined a chat, there were no replies, just a 👍. If I tried to start a conversation, no one would comment, just 👍. Proper replies to everyone else!
eventually I called them out on this. Apparently I ‘talk too much’. Um. I barely see them in real life as all to distant so any ‘talking’ is text/WhatsApp - surely they can scroll by?????
the central friend was the instigator- has now blocked me and got others in the group to do the same. I feel bewildered as to why she did this, only thing I can think is jealousy of our house and our business we run that is doing well.
why do so called adults treat people like this?

Omg same

How did you call them out? What was the phrasing?

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know how upsetting it is as it happened to me too. I'm not sure why so many people are saying it's your fault.

Why can't people talk about whatever the issue is instead of just being so rude.

Yea Queen Bee syndrome by the sounds of it. You can kiss ass and be tolerated or think fuck that and let it go. Sorry you experienced this it really sucks but unless you enjoy having to defer to some random ego-driven woman you’re best off out of it!

I've seen this with groups before, I had a good friend who (when I spoke to her about lying to me once) went into a complete narcissistic rage and turned our friends against me.

The thumbs up emoji can be read in various ways but I would see it as passive aggressive when you are trying to talk to someone and they are stopping you from engaging. It's pathetic and really very childish of this woman but I find there are a lot of people who are like this. Life is good until you call them out on their crap, then they will see you as the enemy.

Move on, forget these losers.

Honestly it sounds like you’re jealous about the one you’ve named Queen Bee, not the other way around.

But the main fact is you don’t gel with them, you don’t sound like you like them, so you’re not really friends. Time to move on.

I really don't know why people think you're the jealous one, it seems like the woman is jealous of the OP.

And, yes, sometimes jealousy takes different forms and appears for different reasons. It can be sometimes that the person doesn't want to share their friends with you, resentment you are financially secure, etc.

Exactly, exactly.

I do know that queen bee did similar to someone else about a year ago, so she has form for it.

I was going to ask if QB had form! they usually do.

They sound pretty mean, but I do wonder if you might have been messaging too much with boring, impersonal stuff. I wouldn't be interested in supermarket offers or gig listings in a friends group chat, and if there's lots of that spammy stuff, it might start to spoil the group for me. People can't connect with that sort of thing, there's nothing they can respond to or find interesting, and it might even feel like it's wasting their time.

Unfortunately it sounds like there might be a dynamic where one person gets picked on and because of your messaging style, it's you. Sorry they have been hurtful, but it equally would be hugely difficult for anyone to quietly say 'hey, X, could you stop doing Y'. People rarely feel able to criticise gently.

Right. Of course op. Never your fault. So, you have two options.

1. Listen, actually listen with self awareness, ti what posters wrote on this thread.
2. Continue to have no friends.

To add, I have been in activity groups where there was one person who constantly made a huge fuss about how they would finally attend but never did, or another that always made a big deal of how rubbish they were at the activity. It was the same thing constantly and it sort of brought down the mood of the group. Group dynamics are subtle and it can be really hard to judge how you're coming across.

I do think central friend (Queen bee) got annoyed I wasn’t fawning over her like the others in the group. She instigated the block and I know others followed as they don’t want to upset her and not get invited to her bbqs etc. tbh, I can live without them.

Since you are so sure of everyone's motivation, I wonder why you posted on AIBU? What a happy coincidence it turns out you did nothing wrong and it's all their fault.

Personally I have found my life better when I accept that I don't know what other people are thinking, and focus on taking responsibility for my own actions, but perhaps your way will work too.

Sorry OP

Sounds mean of them.

Hopefully you'll make some new friends

What the fuck 😂 you literally don’t know this woman at all.

Definately QB syndrome and you are not tolerant of that, for whatever reason. You played into her hands by "calling them out". Knowing exactly how you did this would help others to understand the blocking situation better. I hope you are OK OP - I'm sure you'll naturally make some new friends eventually. It's really not necessary to be part of "a group". Seperate friendships work well too and can be less awkward and more "grown-up". Rise above it - smile and say hello - let them be the awkward ones if you meet up.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time on here OP.
There’s no excuse for their behaviour. They’re not your friends, they’re bullies.

They sound like a horrible group of women TBH and I don’t agree with others who say maybe you do talk too much or are irritating. So what if you do. No one’s perfect and everyone is irritating to a certain degree. I just tend to ignore parts of people I don’t care for and look at the bigger picture. Are they generally kind and fun to hang out with? Etc. The fact that this woman got others to block you is ludicrous to me, if anyone said that to me, I’d be like 1) That’s immature and unkind without even chatting to this person beforehand and 2) I will make up my own mind. I find it ironic that so many replies are jumping down your neck about ‘calling them out’ when so often women are criticising others for speaking up. Good for you for questioning their behaviour, they’ve shown their true colors. You’re better off without ‘friends’ like this.

At the end of the day, nobody here knows you nor knows this group, so it is very hard to judge what the true reason was.
I have never known a whole group (of adults!) to gang up on someone though and block them unanimously - so you are well rid of them whatever the reason.
If they had an issue with you they could have broached it kindly. They are immature and you’ll be happier finding new friends.

And any grown adult who says ‘thanks for the memories’…urgh.

This

Actually, no, she has another option.

she can find new friends. Maybe the op is another queen bee for all we know. If so, she needs a group where she’s the QB. Or maybe she hasn’t done anything “wrong” and just needs to find a group of people more aligned to her values. It’s tough since she’s in the middle of nowhere, but there are still ways to get to know people. Usually through a shared interest (the MN hobby 😉).

op It’s upsetting to be blocked and ghosted. You are doing the right thing trying to understand why. analyse what part you’ve played (including trying to fit in with a group you perhaps don’t really like).

op Think about the sort of friends or people you would like, and aim to find them. It may also be that you suit one-to-one friendships, rather than big groups. I’m gregarious, and love seeing people, parties etc; but oddly, I find those really big group dynamics scary/challenging. Almost all my best mates are introverts, and I like our one to ones… meet over dinner, chats with just them, etc. Tend to prefer groups to have no more than about four! (Bar big class groups etc, but then my advice is to HOLD BACK. Don’t do the chatting, for this very reason! There are always sharp-elbowed QBs and I can’t be bothered with them, like a pp!)

Fuck ‘em. This is a co-ordinated shut down which means someone has insistigated this. Who wants to be friends with people so easily swayed that they’d all block you instead of behaving like grown ups and having an actual conversation about it. Fuck that. Don’t give them another thought, sometimes people aren’t what we want them to be, and that goes both ways. Friendships have come to an end, move on.

Well if she's got form for it, that's your answer. She's Queen Bee, with her fawning mates. You don't talk enough about her. But I don't think it was ever this jealousy of our house and our business we run that is doing well. If you're thinking like that in a small rural community, and you're incomers, you may struggle a bit to make connections.

I think it says quite a lot about you to assume they’re jealous of your house and your business? What made that your conclusion?

No one owes you a reply. They took time to ‘react’ to your post and that wasn’t enough.

As pp’s have said, you don’t sound like you like them very much and it looks like the feeling is mutual. Just move on.

I often think scenarios like this are made up for tv shows tbh . Queen Bee and her subject. Honestly who has the time?