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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ghosted and bewildered

153 replies

hondagirl500 · 18/02/2023 06:52

I live in a very rural area, miles from nearest town etc. so friends are along distance away. No family within 200 miles.

with my husband we have spent about 5 years renovating our property which has been very hard work. Friends we met back then came and helped occasionally with a bit of painting or whatever which was great.
over the time, we gradually met more people in area and would occasionally meet up for drinks, have a bbq together etc. all good. One particular friend had more gatherings at her place as it was more central to everyone and there was more space.
we had a WhatsApp group to keep in touch, chat etc. but gradually over the last few months I noticed that when I joined a chat, there were no replies, just a 👍. If I tried to start a conversation, no one would comment, just 👍. Proper replies to everyone else!
eventually I called them out on this. Apparently I ‘talk too much’. Um. I barely see them in real life as all to distant so any ‘talking’ is text/WhatsApp - surely they can scroll by?????
the central friend was the instigator- has now blocked me and got others in the group to do the same. I feel bewildered as to why she did this, only thing I can think is jealousy of our house and our business we run that is doing well.
why do so called adults treat people like this?

OP posts:
Ticktocktimebomb · 18/02/2023 08:02

im on some group chats and when someone posts about discount or referral codes or offers at supermarkets etc I don’t really think of it as a conversation starter and I either ignore or ‘like’ too. Maybe it wasn’t that you were talking too much, just that you were filling the chat with irrelevant things.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 18/02/2023 08:03

What sort of messages do you send to the WhatsApp group? I am in a WhatsApp group where one member completely dominates it, always sending pics of her children and pets or writing about mundane things that have happened to her but she never asks after anyone else and half the stuff she writes isn’t interesting enough to then generate chat. If anyone else tries to start a conversation she inevitably ends up turning it around back to her, I’ll be honest I now mostly ignore her on there or just send an emoji reaction because I don’t really know how else to respond and am a bit fed up of everything in the group revolving around her.

MySugarBabyLove · 18/02/2023 08:04

ime there is usually more to these posts where someone says they have suddenly been blocked by an entire group of other people. But they either don’t want to admit it here because they need some sympathy, or they lack the self awareness to see how much of a part they played.

There’s a difference between people who fall out with others individually and who invariably have a habit of doing so, that’s not uncommon. It really is uncommon for one person to be able to turn an entire group against another though.

FrostyFifi · 18/02/2023 08:08

I'm sorry OP, it's shitty, hurtful behaviour and as usual the spiteful arseholes of MN jump in to put the boot in.
How can you interrupt someone on a WhatsApp chat ffs? 🙄

It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you. People can be dicks though as has just been amply demonstrated.

pictoosh · 18/02/2023 08:10

Now I don't know you, so I don't know if perhaps you do talk too much so there's always that.
But. I wonder.
I've got almost lifelong form for inadvertantly rubbing Queen Bees up the wrong way. I'm cheerful, enthusiastic and a team player to the hilt but I do not fawn over self-appointed leaders. As much as I have no particular desire to steer others, be the main host, run the show...I don't want to be jostled around at their behest either. I have my own ideas and will suit myself.
This leads to me being treated with suspicion and defensiveness from your average QB who likes to think everyone in the group are in their thrall.

My longest standing friendship group of 20 yrs + hasn't got a single Queen Bee among us and we're all very happy with that status quo.

Seems extreme that they've all blocked you. Very hurtful indeed.

Glitteratitar · 18/02/2023 08:11

How can you interrupt someone on a WhatsApp chat ffs?

Very easily - the flow of conversation is about one thing, and someone jumps in with a completely different subject. Not sure why that’s a strange concept to understand….

Jaxinthebox · 18/02/2023 08:11

Not nice behaviour from your WhatsApp group - blocking and unfriending. How immature.

I would try to find new friends.

JustJustWhy · 18/02/2023 08:13

Are you sure she's even referring to the Whatsapps? If someone unfriended me because they said I talk too much (and I know that I don't) I would read into that I had said something out into the community. Or that they had been told that I said something out of turn/gossiped about them. That would explain everyone unfriending you.

MRex · 18/02/2023 08:14

I think your topics weren't of interest to the group, and you may have been sending more messages than you realised. It also sounds jarring if they are discussing an event and you post about a discount at the local shop; you're talking over them and diverting the chat by doing that, so if you did it a lot then that would become irritating. It's most likely that "talk too much" is the reason you are blocked, because that's what they actually said! An occasional person might become jealous of another, but I've never seen a group be jealous, that sounds extraordinarily unlikely. Just make new friends who are more interested in things you are interested in, and next time try to "read the room" by focusing on responding to others rather than just focusing on what you want to say.

IndiaDreamer · 18/02/2023 08:14

How do you know she got others to unfriendly you and that they didn't decide themselves?

BadNomad · 18/02/2023 08:14

They sound like a bunch of sheep. You're honestly better off without people like that.

ItchyBillco · 18/02/2023 08:15

They don’t sound particularly kind. Even if there’s a chatterbox on a group, blocking them and getting others to follow suit isn’t really how adults behave.

OhmygodDont · 18/02/2023 08:16

Sounds like top friends decided you where out so minions acted.

No way a whole group of people just randomly happen to all block and only do thumbs up because you was so dreadfully annoying to every single person. None of them have a tiny smidge of their own thoughts or personalities they all think the exact same thing at the exact same time. Pull the other. Top has spoken and given a 👎🏻

Darkstar4855 · 18/02/2023 08:16

Well you weren’t ghosted, they just weren’t responding to your posts in the way you wanted them to. I’m guessing when you “called them out” they decided you weren’t worth the drama and blocked you.

I think the only useful thing you can do in this scenario is contact directly the person you feel closest to and see if they’ll give you some honest feedback. Or show the whatsapp chat to someone else you know and get an outside opinion on whether you were unreasonable or not.

HRHQueenCamilla · 18/02/2023 08:17

Well you did ask! What was she supposed to say?

She has told you why she isn't communicating with you when you 'called her out'.

She could have said 'everything is fine' I suppose but she decided to go with her honest opinion. That's the danger when you confront someone. They don't always back down and give you what you want.

Teateaandmoretea · 18/02/2023 08:18

They sound awful all ganging up because the queen bee told them to.

Move on and be well rid.

Justalittlebitduckling · 18/02/2023 08:18

Fellow over-enthusiastic WhatsApp chatter here.

I think once they stopped replying to you, you should have taken the hint and backed off a bit.
Once you confronted them and asked, that makes the whole thing weird and awkward, even if you were right, and there wasn’t really any come back from that socially. I’m sorry OP.

ittakes2 · 18/02/2023 08:20

Are you quirky? I picked up on the comment about being the quiet one waiting for their turn to speak. I do that and I have been diagnosed as having inattentive ADHD and we miss social ques so are quiter in groups.
You said your posts were about super market specials and bands...but you were unhappy that people only gave your a thumbs up rather than a written reply and you called them out. I suspect if you mean by calling them out you posted a message on the whole group this is likely why things have gone pearshapped. You might want to post that message on mumsnet for feedback as to why.You might find to your shock you are coming accross to them as jealous not the other way around.
Generally better to verbally ask a receptive person in the group if there is an issue.
The question is where do you go from here - the most important question to ask yourself is what do you want to achieve now? To be back in the group? To stay out of the group but how to handle in person bump into each other at the shops situations?

YellowDots · 18/02/2023 08:21

I think your topics weren't of interest to the group, and you may have been sending more messages than you realised. It also sounds jarring if they are discussing an event and you post about a discount at the local shop; you're talking over them and diverting the chat by doing that, so if you did it a lot then that would become irritating

This is true and then the person who posts next has to decide whether to just ignore your shop discount news and continue on with the event chat or acknowledge it like you do when a child comes and shows you a daisy chain they have made in the park when you are trying to tell your friend about some major news.

Ragwort · 18/02/2023 08:23

I think it's hard to realise if you 'talk too much' if you are the person doing all the talking ... like others have mentioned on this thread I have recently joined a new group and one person just dominates every conversation , doesn't listen to what other people are saying and completely alters the flow of conversation to totally irrelevant topics. It is an 'interest' group and I joined to discuss the specific interest not to hear about other people's children, holidays, elderly parents etc etc. It's incredibly hard to get someone to shut up without being downright rude ... and thereby causing offence Confused.

You need to let this go ... even if this group get back in touch with you they are surely not people you really want to be friends with? And don't make yourself seem too needy .. perhaps the fact that you were new to the area and had no family nearby (I've been in that situation and appreciate it is a minefield to navigate new friendships) made you seem over eager and desperate to make friends?

pictoosh · 18/02/2023 08:24

"An occasional person might become jealous of another, but I've never seen a group be jealous, that sounds extraordinarily unlikely."

I agree. But groups will indulge someone else's jealousy if they think it will preserve their status within it.
The problem with people in social groups is that they will often act in the group's interests than on their own steam. So if one dominant member (like a Queen Bee, say) casts another from the group, the rest will sheepishly follow suit. This is not because they agree with the dominant member but because they are afraid of the same thing happening to them.

After spending time building up connections and a social life together, people in social groups don't side with who is right or even who they like the most, they side with the person that has the most social status in order to preserve their own.

lornmower · 18/02/2023 08:27

This isn't pleasant and I'm not sure why you're having such a hard time in this thread OP.

Oblomov23 · 18/02/2023 08:37

Have you spoken to the woman who blocked you? Blocking someone is extreme, big. I'd start with her. "I'm sorry if I've upset you in any way but I was very upset by this and wondered if there was anything I could do"?

Oblomov23 · 18/02/2023 08:38

Or just accept that this is not the group for you. Watch your chat, talking. Move on.

Original poster
hondagirl500 · 18/02/2023 08:39

Thanks for all the replies.
I do think central friend (Queen bee) got annoyed I wasn’t fawning over her like the others in the group. She instigated the block and I know others followed as they don’t want to upset her and not get invited to her bbqs etc.
tbh, I can live without them.
haven’t yet bumped into any of them as yet in shops etc but will be pleasant as always.
maybe they will then realise it wasn’t me at fault.
incidently, I do know that queen bee did similar to someone else about a year ago, so she has form for it.

OP posts: