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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ghosted and bewildered

153 replies

hondagirl500 · 18/02/2023 06:52

I live in a very rural area, miles from nearest town etc. so friends are along distance away. No family within 200 miles.

with my husband we have spent about 5 years renovating our property which has been very hard work. Friends we met back then came and helped occasionally with a bit of painting or whatever which was great.
over the time, we gradually met more people in area and would occasionally meet up for drinks, have a bbq together etc. all good. One particular friend had more gatherings at her place as it was more central to everyone and there was more space.
we had a WhatsApp group to keep in touch, chat etc. but gradually over the last few months I noticed that when I joined a chat, there were no replies, just a 👍. If I tried to start a conversation, no one would comment, just 👍. Proper replies to everyone else!
eventually I called them out on this. Apparently I ‘talk too much’. Um. I barely see them in real life as all to distant so any ‘talking’ is text/WhatsApp - surely they can scroll by?????
the central friend was the instigator- has now blocked me and got others in the group to do the same. I feel bewildered as to why she did this, only thing I can think is jealousy of our house and our business we run that is doing well.
why do so called adults treat people like this?

OP posts:
WhenItIsRaining · 19/02/2023 07:30

hondagirl500 · 18/02/2023 21:05

Tried to reply earlier but internet down. Drawback on living back of beyond.

I noticed lack of interaction on chats some time ago. Didn’t think too much of it at first. But then it became more obvious. We took it in turn to host a dinner/evening. It came to my turn. Sent out the invite. No one resounded! All too busy even though have lots of alternative dates and times.

I hadn’t recalled that Queen bee had done this before until already posted.

They don't like you and I can understand why. You are very catty in the way you speak about them.

Happykittyy · 19/02/2023 17:35

I can see why you're upset. Ditch them all and find new people :)

MrsPetty · 19/02/2023 18:12

OP I think that whole bunch sound horrible! Like a group of mean girl, school yard bullies. You talk too much??? Who actually says that? I have loads for friends who ‘talk too much’ but that just means they have more to get off their chest. I don’t resent them or exclude them. It sounds like ‘they just don’t like you’ and they’ve picked on one thing to make you question and feel shit about yourself. And yeah I’m with you - that kind of behaviour is always rooted in jealousy!

AlbertaAnnie · 19/02/2023 18:24

Even if you do talk too much - blocking you is cruel and unnecessary and I would expect better from adult women. These are not good friends or even nice people.

AlbertaAnnie · 19/02/2023 18:28

Namechange456782 · 18/02/2023 08:56

What the fuck 😂 you literally don’t know this woman at all.

Show quote history

Queen bee? That you?

Justsaynonow · 19/02/2023 18:34

OP, you might find Paul Watson's essay "Dealing with a killer called stress" helpful in this situation, especially parts 5,7 & 9. I revisit it when my brain feels really unsettled about something. QB's & shunning can really mess with you - I wish they were less prevalent. Walking away, and not playing the part they want you to, is the best choice.

exaltedwombat · 19/02/2023 18:45

Perhaps you DID talk too much, and they DID scroll on by, just leaving a 👍so as not to seem completely unfriendly. Fine, until you kicked up a fuss, which they couldn't be bothered with.

I expect you can inch your way back into the local circle, in time.

MavisMcMinty · 19/02/2023 19:05

I joined Facebook a few years ago, just because all my Brexity friends were/are on there and I wanted to rant about Brexit and the idiots who voted for it - yes I was a bit drunk, the Tories had just won an 80-seat majority and I was in despair. Anyway, within seconds one of my cousins, who I like very much, contacted/friended me (no idea how she knew I’d just joined though). OMG, she must LIVE on Facebook, I was getting dozens of notifications every day and had no interest in any of what she had to say. Haven’t been to FB for over a year, just can’t take the relentlessness of the only person on there that I know.

Just trying to illustrate someone who “talks too much”, OP. My cousin is perfectly normal levels of garrulity IRL, but she never ever shuts up on FB.

Frankola · 19/02/2023 19:54

In your post you said they could just scroll on by but that's what they were doing and you kicked up a fuss!

Livelovebehappy · 19/02/2023 20:01

Maybe you and she are very similar? Seems like she likes to be the centre of attention, but you already say you feel they are all jealous of your home and business, and then go on to say she was talking about her great bbq and how everyone was saying how great it was, and sounds like you resented this. I reckon you are both probably very dominant women, and there’s a two way jealously thing. There can’t be two queen Bees, and looks like you’ve lost I’m afraid…..

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 19/02/2023 20:03

wegtryu · 18/02/2023 07:46

Sounds like you don't really like these people anyway.

Show quote history

No it doesn't, she clearly does like them which is why she is trying to get to the bottom of the issue she's experiencing.

Hmm1234 · 19/02/2023 20:45

It really baffles me that grown ups act like this with the whatsapp groups and ignoring. It happened to me when I was at uni and I assumed I was being over sensitive but people are just fxckin rude!

girlfriend44 · 19/02/2023 20:48

People who say other people talk too much just exactly how much do you want them to talk. Maybe they think you don't talk enough.

Whatafliberty · 19/02/2023 20:49

You do need to take feed back into account but I don't think that I would want to be in a group who effectively 'send you to Coventry '. It is cruel and schoolgirlish.

StClare101 · 19/02/2023 22:00

They sound awful. Blocking/ignoring etc. Find new friends. Don’t contact them at all. They’ll turn on someone else next. Those types of groups always need someone on the outer in order to function.

Ptemple · 19/02/2023 22:15

MrsPetty · 19/02/2023 18:12

OP I think that whole bunch sound horrible! Like a group of mean girl, school yard bullies. You talk too much??? Who actually says that? I have loads for friends who ‘talk too much’ but that just means they have more to get off their chest. I don’t resent them or exclude them. It sounds like ‘they just don’t like you’ and they’ve picked on one thing to make you question and feel shit about yourself. And yeah I’m with you - that kind of behaviour is always rooted in jealousy!

I agree. There are weird schoolyard dynamics with some groups. If you don't suck up enough, you're ousted. I would travel out of your village and find some grown ups.

Mangogogogo · 19/02/2023 22:20

They sound ridiculous but I know exactly the type of person who thinks everyone who dislikes them is jealous and it’s not a good look.

Emmamoo89 · 19/02/2023 22:23

You don't need them x

wentworthinmate · 19/02/2023 22:36

Just leave the WA group and move on with your life. You can’t force friendship.

Scarriff · 19/02/2023 23:36

I'm so sorry. It's playground behaviour really and you must be hurt. Whoever they are I hope no one does it to them. Miserable stuff.

Grrrrdarling · 20/02/2023 02:51

hondagirl500 · 18/02/2023 21:05

Tried to reply earlier but internet down. Drawback on living back of beyond.

I noticed lack of interaction on chats some time ago. Didn’t think too much of it at first. But then it became more obvious. We took it in turn to host a dinner/evening. It came to my turn. Sent out the invite. No one resounded! All too busy even though have lots of alternative dates and times.

I hadn’t recalled that Queen bee had done this before until already posted.

Sounds like you are better off without ‘friends’ like that.
They sound very immature, petty & clicky.
Better off without them & if any do contact you just say you are busy or not interested. If they question why you don’t get involved in the group anymore tell them why & leave it at that. You don’t need to announce your departure from the group either just tell them you got the message from being ignored.
I don’t make time for people like that as life is too short for drama & they sound like they cause a lot of it.

Desertbarncat · 20/02/2023 05:08

It’s really hard to have that happen, I was ghosted by a friend a few years ago that I considered a good friend and it’s painful. I’m sorry this is happening.

Teateaandmoretea · 20/02/2023 08:27

You do need to take feed back into account

The first thing you should always do when someone gives you feedback is to consider the source carefully. Feedback from a ridiculous group of women like these I would take with a very large pinch of salt. It’s like feedback from an incompetent line manager, completely worthless.

LightDrizzle · 20/02/2023 08:50

Well, well done for asking what the problem was!

We are all only guessing and maybe they were just being bitchy, but it is worth reflecting and considering whether you do bring things back to you, - only because this is so common that it’s obvious that lots of people have no self awareness in this regard.

You foreground your big renovation project, these are all consuming and eventful. Have you been sharing a lot of the ups and downs? The anecdotes and disasters and plans? You say at the beginning new friends would come over to help with a bit of painting, I know that’s a thing, friends coming round to help and being liberally fed and watered in return, but I do wonder whether some people started to feel that you thought your renovation was the centre of their lives the way it was yours, like some people are with a new partner or baby. Particularly if you have also been sharing progress on SM, so it’s cropping up there too.

I think material jealousy is an odd conclusion to leap to, people are more likely to be jealous of social prestige (popularity). There is usually a range of prosperity between a big group of friends and I can’t recall that causing resentment. I’ve seen resentment at someone dominating the discourse a number of times. I’ve also gone to social events praying X doesn’t get going on Constituency matters or Y on their ex-husband because they won’t pause for breath once they start.

T1Dmama · 20/02/2023 09:11

FrostyFifi · 18/02/2023 08:08

I'm sorry OP, it's shitty, hurtful behaviour and as usual the spiteful arseholes of MN jump in to put the boot in.
How can you interrupt someone on a WhatsApp chat ffs? 🙄

It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you. People can be dicks though as has just been amply demonstrated.

This.

You sound rather isolated… Talking too much is a symptom of this… I do this when I meet friends and I’m aware I do it,
People seem to think others dominate chats, I can’t really see how anyone can dominate a WhatsApp chat, if someone mentions something and someone else then makes it about them it’s easy for the group members to just reply to the original poster and turn the conversation back?!… or simply maturely say… “hey Sharon can we respond to Jo first and talk about your holiday later?’ At least then Sharon gets the opportunity to think OMG I did interrupt Jo’s conversation on WhatsApp!

honestly I think you’ve just become a different person to they want in their gang… you don’t fawn over them like a 16 year old. There might be an element of jealously but who knows….perhaps they feel you’re showing off even if you’re not…

m we have a group chat where anything goes… real friends can generally switch back and forth between subjects… I think your friends are shallow and you probably live too far away now to be relevant or useful…

m let it go now, isn’t worth your head space… what’s done is done… hope you make nice new friends soon x