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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ghosted and bewildered

153 replies

hondagirl500 · 18/02/2023 06:52

I live in a very rural area, miles from nearest town etc. so friends are along distance away. No family within 200 miles.

with my husband we have spent about 5 years renovating our property which has been very hard work. Friends we met back then came and helped occasionally with a bit of painting or whatever which was great.
over the time, we gradually met more people in area and would occasionally meet up for drinks, have a bbq together etc. all good. One particular friend had more gatherings at her place as it was more central to everyone and there was more space.
we had a WhatsApp group to keep in touch, chat etc. but gradually over the last few months I noticed that when I joined a chat, there were no replies, just a 👍. If I tried to start a conversation, no one would comment, just 👍. Proper replies to everyone else!
eventually I called them out on this. Apparently I ‘talk too much’. Um. I barely see them in real life as all to distant so any ‘talking’ is text/WhatsApp - surely they can scroll by?????
the central friend was the instigator- has now blocked me and got others in the group to do the same. I feel bewildered as to why she did this, only thing I can think is jealousy of our house and our business we run that is doing well.
why do so called adults treat people like this?

OP posts:
SweetSenorita · 18/02/2023 11:20

WhenItIsRaining · 18/02/2023 07:34

You have been given honest feedback and you are responding by being defensive and accusing.

Maybe you do talk too much? Maybe you don't show enough interest in them?

I went to a thing today with 5 strangers and one of the women talked SO much omg it was so irritating.

We cannot know, but obviously you have been enough of an irritation to drive them to this. Maybe learn from this. Be more mindful of how you treat others.

No, she isn't. FFS.

Dominoeffecter · 18/02/2023 11:21

They sound very childish, someone talking too much isn’t a reason to freeze them
out and block them.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 18/02/2023 11:34

Your friends are probably tired of hearing about your renovation project. It is understandably fascinating to you but less so to anyone else.

TulaDoesTheHula · 18/02/2023 11:36

any ‘talking’ is text/WhatsApp - surely they can scroll by?????

most of our ‘chats’ are on line, so if I am ‘writing’ something they don’t like, they can always scroll by.

OP you are contradicting yourself!

The above is exactly what they were doing but you weren’t happy with it to the point you felt you had to “call them out”. They basically were scrolling by but still sent an emoji anyway so as not to be rude by completely ignoring you i.e. were acknowledging you but not engaging with you.

Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 11:38

Well you clearly dislike this woman and I find it curious that you went to they are all jealous of you rather than you are simply disliked. I assume as it’s easier on the ego?

Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 11:40

hondagirl500 · 18/02/2023 07:33

I do talk, but do not interrupt others or talk over them. In fact when out in a group I am the quiet one awaiting my turn to say something!
as I said, most of our ‘chats’ are on line, so if I am ‘writing’ something they don’t like, they can always scroll by.

Well they were. Clearly. But this wasn’t good enough for you so you called them out.

SheilaFingman · 18/02/2023 11:44

Wow from some of the nasty ass comments here imma thinking you landed right back in your WhatsApp group

personally, as a grown adult I would be above this mean girl tribal thing that’s happened to you. I would definitely not follow the herd mentality and if there was a genuine issue I’d talk to you about kindly.

my guess is that there is some issue somewhere and there’s some mud being slung possibly. Hence the mass blocking. You just gotta let it go and not stress your head. If it’s not you and an issue they have karma will bite them.

Find yourself some new kinder friends

saturdaymorningbored · 18/02/2023 13:04

hondagirl500 · 18/02/2023 07:33

I do talk, but do not interrupt others or talk over them. In fact when out in a group I am the quiet one awaiting my turn to say something!
as I said, most of our ‘chats’ are on line, so if I am ‘writing’ something they don’t like, they can always scroll by.

This is exactly what they have done, scrolled past but you are now complaining about them scrolling past.

honestlyno · 18/02/2023 14:03

Why did you tell us about the renovations?
Why is it 'cringe' to thank someone for hosting?
You don't sound like you like them or they you. Move on x

Maggie178 · 18/02/2023 14:27

Can't get along with everyone. For some reason you don't click with these people. Move on and find a group you get along with.

zingally · 18/02/2023 14:33

Do you talk too much though?

My sisters DP is guilty of this. Even the most innocent of comments gets a barrage of "one-upping" information back.
Case in point, only the other day I mentioned "oh, we're thinking of going up to Inverness for 3 or 4 days in the Easter holidays." His reply, "I've been there. We're going to have a full week in the north east soon and maybe a trip to France."
He completely dominates any conversation, and always turns them back to him.

Basilthymerosemary · 18/02/2023 14:33

hondagirl500 · 18/02/2023 07:33

I do talk, but do not interrupt others or talk over them. In fact when out in a group I am the quiet one awaiting my turn to say something!
as I said, most of our ‘chats’ are on line, so if I am ‘writing’ something they don’t like, they can always scroll by.

Which they did...by not replying and you then 'called them out'.

Teateaandmoretea · 18/02/2023 14:55

Do you talk too much though?

None of us are perfect. If I blocked everyone who had ever got up my nose in some way I wouldn’t have many contacts left.

Bizarre take on it.

palelavender · 18/02/2023 16:31

I don't know why people are being so horrible on this thread. I mean you could be perfectly charming for all we know (and I think we can tell a few of the previous posters are neither charming nor kind). The Whatsapp sounds like something out of Lord of the Flies really. I think you should think carefully about whether in retrospect your posting and behaviour was okay. I don't know that conversations really follow telling someone that there is 20 p off baked beans? Did anybody else post that sort of stuff? All of them blocking you at the same time suggests a ringleader though. Maybe they will all get campylobacter at her next barbecue anyway. You say she's blocked somebody before - is that person a potential friend?

TulaDoesTheHula · 18/02/2023 17:27

Teateaandmoretea · 18/02/2023 14:55

Do you talk too much though?

None of us are perfect. If I blocked everyone who had ever got up my nose in some way I wouldn’t have many contacts left.

Bizarre take on it.

They didn’t block OP for talking too much or getting up their noses though. The talking too much resulted in them not engaging in conversation over WhatsApp - which OP said she’s fine with apparently as she’s happy for them to “scroll by”. They still acknowledged her with emojis though (so didn’t outright ignore her) & I assume OP was still invited to get togethers in person & not frozen out otherwise I’m she would have said. It seems they just didn’t want to get into conversations on WhatsApp.

They only blocked her after she “called them out” which OP didn’t elaborate on so for all we know, they might well be fully justified in doing so.

Dominoeffecter · 18/02/2023 17:28

TulaDoesTheHula · 18/02/2023 17:27

They didn’t block OP for talking too much or getting up their noses though. The talking too much resulted in them not engaging in conversation over WhatsApp - which OP said she’s fine with apparently as she’s happy for them to “scroll by”. They still acknowledged her with emojis though (so didn’t outright ignore her) & I assume OP was still invited to get togethers in person & not frozen out otherwise I’m she would have said. It seems they just didn’t want to get into conversations on WhatsApp.

They only blocked her after she “called them out” which OP didn’t elaborate on so for all we know, they might well be fully justified in doing so.

Show quote history

I think if you respond to everyone else’s messages on a group but just give one person a thumbs up instead of response you know darn well what you are doing and it is childish

TulaDoesTheHula · 18/02/2023 17:47

Dominoeffecter · 18/02/2023 17:28

I think if you respond to everyone else’s messages on a group but just give one person a thumbs up instead of response you know darn well what you are doing and it is childish

Show quote history

Of course they knew what they were doing, they literally told the op they were deliberately not engaging with her because she talked too much so they’re not denying it.

Also nowhere in my post did I say they were right or not childish - I actually didn’t pass judgement on the behaviour of either side but corrected what had happened in the timeline. My post was also in direct response to what the poster I quoted said.

Dominoeffecter · 18/02/2023 18:40

TulaDoesTheHula · 18/02/2023 17:47

Of course they knew what they were doing, they literally told the op they were deliberately not engaging with her because she talked too much so they’re not denying it.

Also nowhere in my post did I say they were right or not childish - I actually didn’t pass judgement on the behaviour of either side but corrected what had happened in the timeline. My post was also in direct response to what the poster I quoted said.

Show quote history

They told her after she had to ask them about it, presumably after having to see there was a pattern to these responses/lack of responses. You are presuming the blocking was her fault, lots of people would block someone if even asked/called out mildly on such pathetic behaviour

ChrimbleCrumble · 18/02/2023 19:02

This reminds me of a chat group I’m in. There are 5 of us. We used to be very close friends, then over the past 7 years have moved apart to different areas.

One of the friends (A) is a massive dominator of all conversation. Every question or anecdote anyone posts is met with a long waffly answer all about her!! So if someone has cut their toe, she previously lost a leg etc. Even when she’s trying to be helpful, the tone of her message is just bossy and domineering. She’s incredibly draining.

We now barely now use the main chat group.

Instead I’ve got 2 separate chat groups… one with friends B & C and one with friends B & D.

Original poster
hondagirl500 · 18/02/2023 21:05

Tried to reply earlier but internet down. Drawback on living back of beyond.

I noticed lack of interaction on chats some time ago. Didn’t think too much of it at first. But then it became more obvious. We took it in turn to host a dinner/evening. It came to my turn. Sent out the invite. No one resounded! All too busy even though have lots of alternative dates and times.

I hadn’t recalled that Queen bee had done this before until already posted.

OP posts:
ItchyBillco · 18/02/2023 21:47

hondagirl500 · 18/02/2023 21:05

Tried to reply earlier but internet down. Drawback on living back of beyond.

I noticed lack of interaction on chats some time ago. Didn’t think too much of it at first. But then it became more obvious. We took it in turn to host a dinner/evening. It came to my turn. Sent out the invite. No one resounded! All too busy even though have lots of alternative dates and times.

I hadn’t recalled that Queen bee had done this before until already posted.

That’s not kind. By the sounds of it, they’re no loss. Decent behaviour don’t treat others like that.

BMrs · 18/02/2023 22:07

Feel for you OP as was in a similar situation. Best friend of 20 years told me I was self centred, talked about husband and job non stop, showed off etc. I tortured myself thinking it must be me, decided it wasn't, went back to torturing myself again. 18 months later friend admitted she was having a difficult time, was trying to get my attention as felt I was moving on etc etc. I lost two other good friends in the process too. I was devastated and too late to repair despite my old friend hoping we would.
I know a lot of people have commented asking if you do in fact talk a lot, I don't believe that's a good reason to ghost someone but perhaps your gut instinct is correct?! Either way it's really hurtful. Made me super cautious who I let in in future and a bit cations about how I behave and am perceived by others.

Saoirse82 · 18/02/2023 22:14

Aprilx · 18/02/2023 07:39

You “called them out”. 🙄 That says a lot, just using that sentence. You are aggressive and I expect you talk too much, I also expect you brag a fair bit when you do talk.

You got all that from a few paragraphs 🤔

Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 22:32

It doesn’t work with you and these folks. Stop blaming rhe woman you dislike or everyone being jealous of you , in real life people are way more independent in terms of making decisions, . So they don’t like you or want to socialise with you. It hurts, when you wish to be their friend,and hard to accept you maybe the issue..

honestly calling them out on not responding in the way you wish, and your obvious dislike for someone they like, the woman you call queen bee, has probably caused you issues, that and I suspect some other stuff,.but you are where you are, you’re not coming back from it. So just move on. It’s done now.

WhenItIsRaining · 19/02/2023 07:30

SweetSenorita · 18/02/2023 11:20

No, she isn't. FFS.

Show quote history

Yes, she is. FFS.