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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I am the one who misses out in this arrangement

157 replies

Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 08:12

I work PT, 3 days a week. I don’t work on Tuesdays or Fridays. Before I made this arrangement I asked DH which days he’d be in the office. The office is quite a long way away so he has to leave at 7, gets back at 7. He told me he’d just go in on my days off. This hasn’t happened.

I am now really fed up with this arrangement. On the days I’m in work I have to be up early and get the kids ready for nursery then go to work myself. On the days I’m off it’s difficult to properly relax because DH is working, so there’s subtle pressure for me to be out of the house as much as possible.

AIBU in thinking this arrangement really disadvantages me and the children?

OP posts:
AFS1 · 17/02/2023 08:16

YANBU. You need to tell him that it’s not working and he needs to honour the agreement you made at the time.

EsmeSusanOgg · 17/02/2023 08:16

It does. You need to have a conversation and say it is not working and his office days need to be Tuesdays and Fridays as standard. Obviously some flexibility for the odd imovable meeting/ project.

underneaththeash · 17/02/2023 08:16

Why are you trying to be quite on your days off? He can just go into the office as originally planned.

R0ckets · 17/02/2023 08:18

Why are you tiptoeing around on your days off and being quiet. He has an office he can go to if he's annoyed about the noise you make simply by being in your home. It's a house first and foremost.

daretodenim · 17/02/2023 08:25

Well it's working perfectly for him cos he's doing what he wants and you're tip-toeing around.

Stop tip-toeing around. Watch TV, put music/the radio on as loud as you want. LIVE.

But before that talk to him because YANBU.

Dinkeigh · 17/02/2023 08:28

I wfh full time and it puts zero pressure on anyone. I'm in my own room, door shut if I'm on a call. What's the issue with him being home and you being home? Why the need to get out the house?

GoldDuster · 17/02/2023 08:34

*subtle pressure for me to be out of the house as much as possible
*

this is not reasonable. Its your home. Take up your space, stand your ground, don't stay small and quiet and be ushered out, fuck that!

Figmentof · 17/02/2023 08:38

I don’t actually understand what the issue is to be honest? Is it that he is going to work the same days as you so you end up getting the children ready? My husband being at home when I am at home is not a problem and I don’t feel the need to tiptoe around.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/02/2023 08:42

It depends. You say you feel there is pressure on you? Does he actually do or say anything or is it just how you feel? What are the working arrangements eg has he got s different room? If he expects you out then yanbu. If its something you've inferred without checking with him then YABU. Have you asked him why he wants to be at home when the kids are?

Shinyandnew1 · 17/02/2023 08:44

On the days I’m off it’s difficult to properly relax

I think you might need to explain this more-what can’t you do? Why can’t you do it if he’s there?

My DH WFH and I’m home 2 days a week. I don’t hoover if he’s on a call but otherwise don’t change what I do. I’m not really relaxing though-I’m doing housework.

Nimbostratus100 · 17/02/2023 08:45

just tell him the current situation, of accommodating his need for quiet at home on your days off has ended

FRom today you will just be enjoying your own home in your own way and he can lump it or go to the office

MelchiorsMistress · 17/02/2023 08:47

Tuesdays are maybe fair enough, but you really think he should drag himself into the office for twelve hours on a Friday for no reason just so that you can relax?

How old are the children? Your DH doesn’t get to pressure you to be out of the house or keep quiet on his wfh days because it is a home not an office, but I don’t see why you get to dictate he leaves the house either.

Original poster
Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 08:47

Thing is @Dinkeigh DH would say exactly the same, and without wanting to sound like I’m singling you out I find this is the same for everyone who is wfh, they like it and have no problem with it so they don’t see why someone else might. Saying it makes no difference having DH there, just do what you like, doesn’t change the fact I don’t feel I can. It’s just not relaxing in the slightest having someone there in the house working while you’re trying to go about your day. Maybe that’s unfair but that’s how it is.

The problem is he can’t go into the office, this is why it’s so annoying. I’m stuck with it but it’s meant I have the worst of both worlds!

OP posts:
Allschoolsareartschools · 17/02/2023 08:48

YANBU. You need an honest conversation. Why hasn't he stuck to his set office days? He must realise you're having to do so much more with the dc on your work days. Subtle pressure to go out? He can bloody well do one. I'm so irritated at the amount of people (usually men) wfh & expecting everything to work around them.
Speak up very loudly.

Original poster
Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 08:49

@MelchiorsMistress if he’d said that months ago I could have asked to have worked Fridays. This is why I’m annoyed, because I could have had any two days off and when I asked him which days he’d be in the office he said it didn’t matter, he’d just go in the days I was at home. Only that’s not what has happened!

OP posts:
elizzza · 17/02/2023 08:50

I’d ignore the “subtle pressure”. Do whatever suits you and the children on your day off. If your DH complains, remind him that he said he’d go to the office on those days.

JMSA · 17/02/2023 08:50

Another one who sees it as a bit of a non-issue. Or maybe I'm jealous because I work full-time Grin

redspottedmug · 17/02/2023 08:51

Whereabouts in the house does he work?
Can't you just ignore him?

redspottedmug · 17/02/2023 08:53

Also, if he is WFH why isn't he doing his share of nursery drop off/pick up?

Original poster
Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 08:53

I can sense DH no matter where he is in the house, it just does alter the dynamics in ways that are probably difficult to understand if you are one of the people it just doesn’t bother! But anyway, he does come out for drinks, toilet visits, food.

OP posts:
APurpleSquirrel · 17/02/2023 08:54

Where does your DH work in the house? This would make a lot of difference.
My DH is wfh except 1 day a month; I work pt 3 days & have 2 days off. However, DH works in our bedroom & can close the door. So I can just get on with whatever - cleaning, tidying, baking, gardening etc & I don't disturb him & he doesn't disturb me.
If he was plonked in the kitchen or some other shared space it would be much harder as I'd feel I would be intruding on his work - he has a lot of meetings.

Original poster
Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 08:55

@redspottedmug because the kids are only in nursery three days a week. And two of those days he’s opted to be in the office. He leaves too early and gets back too late to pick them up / drop them off, so this is what I mean about me being twice at a disadvantage. I have him here on my days off, which makes being at home stressful, but then on my days I work I have to deal with the children pretty much single handedly as well.

OP posts:
pawz · 17/02/2023 08:57

Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 08:53

I can sense DH no matter where he is in the house, it just does alter the dynamics in ways that are probably difficult to understand if you are one of the people it just doesn’t bother! But anyway, he does come out for drinks, toilet visits, food.

Without sounding like a knob OP, this sounds like a you issue?

If the issue is you can sense him no matter where he is in the house, there's nothing reasonable he can do about it. 7-7 is a long 12 hour day of working and commuting!

If he's popping out of the office to shush you or ask you to go out, he's being UR. But if he's just working away and popping out to use the loo or grab lunch he's not being UR.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/02/2023 08:58

He can't as in wont or genuinely can't as in boss has said no? Also if he is saying its not a problem you being there is he asking you to keep quiet , or stay out of certain rooms or are you choosing to do that.

Mariposa26 · 17/02/2023 09:00

Why can’t he go into the office on Friday - has his employer set specific office days? If so, I don’t think this is really his fault.

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