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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I am the one who misses out in this arrangement

157 replies

Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 08:12

I work PT, 3 days a week. I don’t work on Tuesdays or Fridays. Before I made this arrangement I asked DH which days he’d be in the office. The office is quite a long way away so he has to leave at 7, gets back at 7. He told me he’d just go in on my days off. This hasn’t happened.

I am now really fed up with this arrangement. On the days I’m in work I have to be up early and get the kids ready for nursery then go to work myself. On the days I’m off it’s difficult to properly relax because DH is working, so there’s subtle pressure for me to be out of the house as much as possible.

AIBU in thinking this arrangement really disadvantages me and the children?

OP posts:
Americansmoothy · 17/02/2023 10:46

Dinkeigh · 17/02/2023 10:21

You're not really explaining why you feel that way. People on here can't understand, your DH can't understand. So is it just an insecurity within yourself? Do you feel controlled by him? Does he make you feel bad if somethings not done to his liking?

@Dinkeigh why are some people owls and others larks? why are some people extroverts and others introverts? It’s because we are all different.

Some of it will be the small things like thinking I fancy a coffee and then feeling obliged to ask if DH wants one.

The op wants freedom to be in her own home caring for her children without having to consider another adult. An adult who previously agreed they would go into the office on the OPs non-working days.

I am an introvert and I physically ache if I can’t have time alone. An extrovert will never understand that feeling of needing solitude in the same way I will never truly understand people who can never be alone.

Sep200024 · 17/02/2023 10:46

NoSquirrels · 17/02/2023 10:45

I would bet my arse that the DH in question also doesn’t get up with the DC any day of the week, or do bedtime any day of the week. Because he’s commuting 2 days, and the days he’s not his DW is not working so he shouldn’t be expected to have to do it, and by the last day or the weekend he’s just not as efficient as it/the DC want you etc.

Happy to be wrong…

Yes. This I imagine is what pisses the OP off with him hanging around the house (and still not pitching in) on her days off.

MRex · 17/02/2023 10:53

That's annoying. I WFH, and DH would sometimes have to take DS out sometimes when he was little, or play less noisy games near me. I also find I like some time in the house on my own, just because, it's not fully relaxing when someone keeps bobbing in with a question about lunch or a moan about a colleague.

You'll have to talk to DH and work through the options:

  1. He rearranges work meetings to change his days; this needs no other effort at home
  2. He goes in one of Tuesday or Friday every week as a compromise, again this needs no other effort at home (and you'll find he quickly tweaks the work meetings to suit)
  3. You change one or two days - first ask nursery to check it's feasible, then ask colleague, then ratify with HR. Big faff.
DulcetTones · 17/02/2023 10:58

Well, maybe there's nothing to be done now, but perhaps you can act now to improve things for the future.

  1. You could speak to your colleague about possibly switching days around. Sound them out and don't put pressure on them, but at least try to gauge the situation. Even if nothing can be changed for six months, at least you'll know if it's a possibility and can count down the days.
  2. If you can't or won't change days at this current job, you could try to find a different job with days/hours that work better with your husband's schedule.
  3. If your husband is fair and realises that you're currently stuck with all the nursery transport, he can take over some other chore you dislike to give you a bit more slack in another area. It won't make the nursery duty any more pleasant, but it might help you feel the inequity a bit less.
NattyNamechanger · 17/02/2023 11:00

Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 09:13

@AlmostaMamma , it’s my fault for not explaining properly.

He originally told me that he could choose which days he went in on. So it didn’t matter when my days off were.

This transpired not to be the case and he has to go in on two specific days. If I’d known this I could have asked for those two specific days to be my days off. Hope that’s a bit clearer!

I would ask to change my days!
I don't think people are picking up that if he WFH on days when you are at work then he could drop at nursery instead of you doing it .
He's a CF, best of both worlds for him!

Fizzadora · 17/02/2023 11:00

I get you OP. Not quite the same because we have a fair division of labour and no kids to look after but my DH took early retirement after working away Mon-Fri for donkeys years.
He now doesn't leave the house in winter 'because it's too cold' .
I loved having the house to myself and just wish he'd piss off out.

billy1966 · 17/02/2023 11:07

Sep200024 · 17/02/2023 10:46

Yes. This I imagine is what pisses the OP off with him hanging around the house (and still not pitching in) on her days off.

Show quote history

Absolutely.

A controlling and deliberate action that has ensured he continues to do as little as possible.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/02/2023 11:08

I’m wondering if he’d suddenly be able to change his days if you did the complete opposite and made a lot of noise. I can imagine the kids would love a disco party!

billy1966 · 17/02/2023 11:12

I would be actively trying to change my days and I would be having an honest look at what he does do.

He has you exactly where he wants you.

You sound like a nice naive woman but I have no doubt within a few years your naivety will be gone and you will be a lot more cynical about these happy accidents that means his life is as easy as possible and you carry the sole load of parenting.

This will get very old.

StPaulandTheBrokenBones · 17/02/2023 11:19

I understand you OP. My exh used to work from home, five days per week during the pandemic and then reverted to one or two days a week when his office reopened. I work out of the house full-time in a job where I am interacting with people all day. I am an introvert so I need regular time when I can be on my own in the house. This is not something I hid from him. During the pandemic, when his office was closed it was bearable, although I found him being there all of the time very claustrophobic because he just talked constantly.

He used to work in the sitting room (very small house and no room anywhere else to put a desk). It used to drive me around the bend. If I was ill and off sick I would have to listen to his infernal telephone calls and Zoom meetings all day. His voice would get louder and louder until he was almost shouting at the person (or people) he was talking to.

I couldn't book a day off if I wanted a day relaxing at home, because he was in the sitting room working. Even if he wasn't on a call or in a meeting he would prattle away to himself or read emails out loud or sit there sighing loudly until I asked him what was the matter.

At the end of the day this is a home, not his sodding office. If I had known he would end up working from home, even one or two days a week, I would never, ever have married him. Luckily we are now separated, so he can do as he likes and so can I.

Unfortunately I cannot see any way out of this for you OP other than to split up. I tried explaining to my exh how I felt and his need to work from home (although he had a perfectly good office to go to) was much more important than anything else.

This was not the thing we eventually split up over but it was a factor.

Travelfan2021 · 17/02/2023 11:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

ivykaty44 · 17/02/2023 11:25

so there’s subtle pressure for me to be out of the house as much as possible.

er no, he has an office to go to on the days you are not working, you are out 3 days a week

cheeky fucker

TravellingJack · 17/02/2023 11:28

What would happen if you told him (not asked him, but present it as a done deed) that you'd applied to change your working days and the children's nursery days because of the strain the current arrangement is putting on you, and seeing as he WFH on the new days, he can help with the nursery run, taking some of the pressure off you, hurrah, isn't he delighted you've fixed the problem for everyone...

If he has a strop, or mysteriously becomes able to change his WFH days, or tells you it won't work for some other mystical reason, then you know at the bottom that he is being a selfish dick and actively trying to avoid nursery runs/doing his fair share. And that is a bigger conversation.

If he says 'oh great, that will work much better for both of us, when do we start?', then speak to your colleague and your boss. Even swapping one day, informally if necessary, might help...

Pixiedust1234 · 17/02/2023 11:32

I hear you OP Flowers

First of all speak to your DH and find out why his office days changed. Did he just assume he could choose, did a new manager veto them or what. Find out if they are now fixed (and get him to confirm with boss via email maybe).

Next steps, depending on dh information is to ask your coworker how fixed her days are, and if she is willing to swap. She might have a similar dh or childcare problem.

Finally, you are talking about 5 days only. What are the divisions of childcare, laundry, household chores and cooking on the other two days?

Hellybelly84 · 17/02/2023 11:36

Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 08:47

Thing is @Dinkeigh DH would say exactly the same, and without wanting to sound like I’m singling you out I find this is the same for everyone who is wfh, they like it and have no problem with it so they don’t see why someone else might. Saying it makes no difference having DH there, just do what you like, doesn’t change the fact I don’t feel I can. It’s just not relaxing in the slightest having someone there in the house working while you’re trying to go about your day. Maybe that’s unfair but that’s how it is.

The problem is he can’t go into the office, this is why it’s so annoying. I’m stuck with it but it’s meant I have the worst of both worlds!

I agree with you, I love my house empty on my days off and you cant get the same amount done if someones there. It would be annoying if you’re trying to hoover or want the music on and you have to be quiet for you DH. Have you explained this to him?

No advice im afraid other than I really think theres a reason we have always seperated work from home life. I also think everyone needs abit if their own space sometimes. Can he at least go in on one of your days off?

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 17/02/2023 12:05

No advice im afraid other than I really think theres a reason we have always seperated work from home life

We haven't. It's actually a fairly new phenomenon for the bulk of the population to be doing that. If you look back a couple of centuries, people were often doing their work in their homes.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/02/2023 12:15

I understand op, I also can not relax in the house if DH us there at least not in the same way, I really need some time in the house completely alone to decompress.

People either get that or they don't, talk to your DH and say he needs to honour the agreement he stated before, it's only fair.

2bazookas · 17/02/2023 12:18

On the days I’m off it’s difficult to properly relax because DH is working, so there’s subtle pressure for me to be out of the house as much as possible.

?????? He's at work 7 to 7 miles away; how on earth is that "pressuring" you to be out of the house on your days off?

Fundays12 · 17/02/2023 12:20

DH WFH for ages after covid. It drove me mad quite honestly as I couldn't clean upstairs properly and had to try keep 3 kids quiet (including a 2 year old) and 2 older kids in holidays etc so he could "concentrate". I lost it one day and laid it on the line that this our family home and I will not be keeping our kids quiet in their home because he has decided to WFH. That's his choice and doesn't suit anyone else and I also told him I would start hoovering etc upstairs as I was not waiting till nearly the kids bedtime to be able to clean the upstairs of our home because he CHOSE to WFH. He soon went back to the office as I did let the kids make noise and crack on with normal family life as I said I would

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 12:28

2bazookas · 17/02/2023 12:18

On the days I’m off it’s difficult to properly relax because DH is working, so there’s subtle pressure for me to be out of the house as much as possible.

?????? He's at work 7 to 7 miles away; how on earth is that "pressuring" you to be out of the house on your days off?

I think you may have misunderstood the thread. He’s wfh on her days off.

Sisisimone · 17/02/2023 12:28

I don't understand why you haven't just asked him why he's not stuck to the agreement. Tell him you'll just swap your days round again to the days he's in the office. Sounds like he's just trying to avoid being arsed with nursery runs

GrassWillBeGreener · 17/02/2023 13:16

Oh we're at a different stage of life and the issues we've had have been different, but your husband sounds so familiar to me. I agree with a couple of people who suspect you'd feel less uptight about the days you're both at home, if it wasn't for "everything else".

As I read it, you put quite a lot of advance planning into starting your current work pattern, sorting out nursery days and coordinating a job-share partner (or equivalent). As part of that, you needed to know if he had a preference or need for specific days to go into his office, as you could see that those would be the better days for you to have at home. He either didn't bother checking / didn't see the point / wilfully misunderstood or even deliberately sought out different days to go in. Whether thoughtless or deliberate, it's made your life less practical than it could have been.

I agree with those who say you need to sit down and discuss weekly work patterns with him, explain why you need to have at least one day when you don't have to worry about leaving work precisely on time to be back for the nursery pickups, and that he either needs to change what he's doing or confirm that his days are now completely fixed, in which case you will start the complicated process of changing your work days / your oppposite's workdays, and the children's nursery days.

He's not going to understand about how you feel "living" around him "working" on his days home, but he should be able to understand that he needs to be able to do some of the nursery pickups etc.

My husband has form for not thinking ahead, and not cooperating (unless forced) with my attempts to plan ahead. Currently he works away most of the week, but is sometimes home. If I try to find out ahead of time where he's likely to be when, I'm met with a sigh and "I'll have to look it up". Ahead of time can include asking earlier than Sunday evening what he's doing in the coming week ...

Welshmonster · 17/02/2023 13:21

Just live your best lives with the children on his days off. If he doesn’t like the noise then there is an office he can go to.

Mirabai · 17/02/2023 14:00

I think it really depends where he’s working. If he’s upstairs or at the end of the garden in a study then it’s your problem. If he’s working at the dining table and you’re all tiptoeing round him, that’s different and suggests you need to fix the WFH set up.

LadyLapsang · 17/02/2023 14:22

It all sounds very convenient for him, you take and collect from childcare even on the one day they are in childcare when we WFH because of meeting clashes. Is he fairly junior or has he set up these clashing meetings himself or is senior enough to get them changed? What hours does he do WFH? Is there scope for you to go for a run, swim, walk on your own while he gets them breakfast or tea? If he finishes earlier, could that be your night out with friends a few times per month and he gets them ready for bed? Could you ask a few people to coffee or lunch at the house? Are there some important training sessions you need to swap your days around to accommodate?

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