To feel like I am the one who misses out in this arrangement

[Branflakesnow]

I work PT, 3 days a week. I don’t work on Tuesdays or Fridays. Before I made this arrangement I asked DH which days he’d be in the office. The office is quite a long way away so he has to leave at 7, gets back at 7. He told me he’d just go in on my days off. This hasn’t happened.

I am now really fed up with this arrangement. On the days I’m in work I have to be up early and get the kids ready for nursery then go to work myself. On the days I’m off it’s difficult to properly relax because DH is working, so there’s subtle pressure for me to be out of the house as much as possible.

AIBU in thinking this arrangement really disadvantages me and the children?

You're not really explaining why you feel that way. People on here can't understand, your DH can't understand. So is it just an insecurity within yourself? Do you feel controlled by him? Does he make you feel bad if somethings not done to his liking?

Me too.

I don’t think I’d fully relax if someone was working at home when I was there. And I would feel like I’d have to be “on” all the time when I really wanted to relax (but that’s a me issue)

Too bad you can’t change your off days but then he’d probably just switch his days too.

I wfh full time but I do all the school runs, morning and afternoon. That's only 1 of your issues though. The other issue is why you feel so watched when he's wfh.

He really wouldn’t understand at all. And I think this is how this has happened because it isn’t about being controlling, he genuinely can’t see how him being here is a problem.

He can understand that you feel differently, accept your feelings are valid and work to find a solution, though.

My DH ‘doesn't understand’ if that means ‘has the opposite personal preference’. But as he’s not a dick he does understand that his preference being different to mine doesn’t mean his trumps mine. He accepts I need him to go to the office on days I am WFH. We arranged childcare, activity runs etc etc with this in mind.

Your DH didn’t care to find out what days he was needed in the office, and that’s because he knew none of it - childcare runs etc - would ever impact him. He knew your job was inflexible but he didn’t bother to ‘understand’. He’s selfish.

But the children don’t go to nursery on the days OP is off ?

OP are you wanting to relax on your days off or do you have the children at home and he is wfh

Im still confused by who goes where on what day 🙈

I’ve tried @Dinkeigh and I do think it’s one of those where you’ll either get it or you won’t.

I mean - imagine you were being recorded. Someone can hear everything you say, and you’re not saying anything bad or mean or awful but someone can hear it. For a lot people that would mean they would feel a bit uncomfortable and self conscious. Like if your boss was listening to you chat to your colleagues. And no DH isn’t my boss! But maybe that gives some idea.

And the kids know he’s there but aren’t old enough to understand he’s working and can’t be disturbed so keeping them out adds another challenge to my day.

If it wasn't deliberate or controlling then this all happened completely accidentally and he had no hand nor part in it?

Is this what you mean?

Because he gave you the days he would not be wfh, you acted on what he told you.

He then changes things and now wfh on those days?

Whose decision was this?

Who changed his days?

Because it doesn't make sense.

Did his employer suddenly change things?

If they didn't?

Then who did?

Someone changed something so that he gave you information that hasn't panned out?

"Controlling" means controlling a situation that you want?

I work three days a week. The children go to nursery on those days. For two of those days DH works in the office and cannot do pick ups and drop offs. The remaining day has fixed meetings on it so can’t do pick ups and drop offs either.

On the remaining two days DH is at home, as am I.

I assumed since she wanted to relax and take a nap that they weren’t in the house? But it’s not that clear.

Even then DH can get them up, get them dressed and do breakfast since he has no commute that day and an extra 2 hours to his morning.
OP can lie in and have a coffee.

We will just agree to disagree. I would never feel like I'm being recorded because my DH is there, I would never have married him if I felt like that. Sorry. Hope you find a solution.

I think the animosity around him being at home on your days off just stems from the fact that he is having it all ways.

There is likely some justifiable resentment there on your part that your working life and career prospects are hindered by working 3 days and having to do all nursery runs on those days.

Your life has changed immeasurably since having kids, and his hasn’t.

On that basis, having him around when you finally get a couple of hours to yourself would wind me up too!

@billy1966 i think somewhere between your posts that view this as sinister and the posters who dismiss it entirely lies the truth.

The truth is he doesn’t understand the impact on me, either in terms of him being here or the pressure it puts on me when he’s not. I hope that makes sense.

DH doesn't understand because he's not putting subtle pressure on you to do anything, you're putting that subtle pressure on yourself. Stop tying yourself up in knots to keep his work place silent and perfect, if the kids go in then they go in, if they're too loud then they're too loud - and he can then choose to go into the office instead.

When my DC were little, anyone whose DP worked from home had to structure their days with small children around not disturbing them. No inviting people and their toddlers to tea, whatever. It’s really hard with small children. Now Covid has normalised it but it’s still really hard. It changes your behaviour regardless of what they say/do. This is what humans do, behave differently in different situations. And some people need more alone time (introverts) and if you’re not one of them (extrovert) you just have to accept that.

So there are 3 drops offs a week? 1 of which he works from home but has a meeting, 2 of which he’s in the office so he leaves at 7am?
And what about the other 2 days when you are off? Are the kids at home all day with you?

I still don’t see why his work schedule means you have to do everything. You’ve just been doing it but you don’t have to.
If he works from home 1 drop off day he can still be them ready, do breakfast, clean up, sort their bags out and log on while you actually take them to nursery.
The other 2 days he can also do the same even if you are at home with him.

I agree it’s annoying that on the days he works in the office he can’t do pick up or drop off but I don’t see how your life would be easier if he went in more as he couldn’t do anything really then. But also I wouldn’t accept that a big important man job meant he couldn’t collect his children.
I take issue with anyone who thinks childcare flexibility is only for the woman.

Non of this is really relevant to you being able to ‘sense’ him being in another room of the house though.

I think it probably is relevant because I can imagine that it breeds resentment.

I havent read the whole thread but i can see why this is an issue. I would be stressed too.

Why cant he do one of the days? Or just pick ups for example

Controlling and deliberate actions have creates a situation that you do it all, and he doesn't.

I don't believe for a second this is accidental.

Having to be out with the children because it is easier is just awful.

I can absolutely understand your feelings on this but I don't believe for a second your husbands benign actions which completely suit him are accidental.

Not a chance.

@NoSquirrels has nailed it.

He cant understand?

My arse, it just suits him 100% to be obtuse.

He is a selfish man and you need to help yourself by opening your eyes to it.

A good man would get this and work with you.

A selfish controlling one will play obtuse and do EXACTLY what suits HIM.....AKA .....as little as possible

So did he lie, misunderstand, not check properly or the rule changed suddenly?

It's obv about that the days the kids are in nursery he's out 12 hours but it depends how much he'd to blame.

Re him saying to be in the house at the time me when it should be your house, you're not alone but I don't really get these posts. But then I had 3 month old twins and a 4 yo when lockdown happened and DH was working from home actually from just before lockdown as we had a CV child and he didn't go back until the following May so it maybe that I just don't possess that need to whisper all day out of circumstance.

Was your post just to rant @Branflakesnow ( understandable - I can never fully relax if someone else is in the house) or ... what?

From what you say you are stuck with it, so not sure what you want?

Yep, I agree, there's lots of small things that can be done to help when WFH

I get it though. I work full time now, but I did really like it when husband was WFH when i was home with the kids, even if he could come out and spend 5 minutes with them to give me some relief. Or small things like help me get them into the pram / car (i have twins!). But I guess everyone, and every situation is different. Probably i didn't cope as well, and psychologically i liked him being in the house

A few of us have asked - have you actually spoken to him about this? About how all this is affecting you? As it sounds like you haven’t.

If anyone WFH when other family members are at home they need to be working in a space where the door can be closed and the rest of the family can go about their business as usual. It might mean a desk needs setup in a bedroom and furniture shuffled around, but personally I think that is a fair compromise for the WFH benefits. The WFH person needs to accept there will be family background noise at the other side of that door, if they don't like it they work elsewhere. If the person not WFH still cannot "relax" because their own partner is in a room, with a closed door, in their own home, that is their issue to get over or work out what is wrong with their relationship this makes them feel on edge.

Working and getting children to nursery is a nightmare for lots of parents, and you should both discuss and agree on how you share the load.

I would bet my arse that the DH in question also doesn’t get up with the DC any day of the week, or do bedtime any day of the week. Because he’s commuting 2 days, and the days he’s not his DW is not working so he shouldn’t be expected to have to do it, and by the last day or the weekend he’s just not as efficient as it/the DC want you etc.

Happy to be wrong…

Just a rant, @BloggersBlog . It is unfair and irritating but there’s nothing anyone can do about it now.