Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I am the one who misses out in this arrangement

157 replies

Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 08:12

I work PT, 3 days a week. I don’t work on Tuesdays or Fridays. Before I made this arrangement I asked DH which days he’d be in the office. The office is quite a long way away so he has to leave at 7, gets back at 7. He told me he’d just go in on my days off. This hasn’t happened.

I am now really fed up with this arrangement. On the days I’m in work I have to be up early and get the kids ready for nursery then go to work myself. On the days I’m off it’s difficult to properly relax because DH is working, so there’s subtle pressure for me to be out of the house as much as possible.

AIBU in thinking this arrangement really disadvantages me and the children?

OP posts:
Original poster
Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 09:06

It probably is partly a me issue, it’s just really hard to totally chill at home with little children when you’re conscious someone is also working in that space.

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 17/02/2023 09:07

Agree with you 100%, op.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/02/2023 09:09

If I could work at home rather than having a long day with commute either end, but my DH didn’t want me to when they were off work as it stopped them being able to properly relax, I probably wouldn’t like it either!

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 09:10

Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 09:06

It probably is partly a me issue, it’s just really hard to totally chill at home with little children when you’re conscious someone is also working in that space.

So ask him why he’s not going in?

Beachhutnut · 17/02/2023 09:12

Explain its an issue. Does he work in the office set days now? If so tell him either he needs to swap days or you will put a request in for either you or the kids nursery days to swap so he is doing a fair share of the childcare and so you get a day at home when he isn't there. Be clear. Tell him he had said he would work in the office in on your days off which was acceptable but that is not what happens practically and it's not fair on you.

Original poster
Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 09:13

@AlmostaMamma , it’s my fault for not explaining properly.

He originally told me that he could choose which days he went in on. So it didn’t matter when my days off were.

This transpired not to be the case and he has to go in on two specific days. If I’d known this I could have asked for those two specific days to be my days off. Hope that’s a bit clearer!

OP posts:
LemonPledge555 · 17/02/2023 09:13

I understand. My DH very rarely WFH these days, and on one of my days off if he was WFH, while I could maybe run the hoover around, I couldn’t have the radio on in the kitchen as the sound travels and it irritates him. I feel like I need to be “busy” the whole time DD is at school. If he’s not there I often get back into bed fully clothed for an hour to chill and watch TV on my phone. Can’t do that if he’s in the next room working! I mean he’d say I could. But I just couldn’t.

Original poster
Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 09:14

@LemonPledge555 yeah i know exactly what you mean. You just feel like you’re being lazy. As you say it’s totally unfair and they probably aren’t even thinking that but it’s how it feels.

OP posts:
Paq · 17/02/2023 09:15

Can you change your working and nursery days around his schedule?

Swiftswatch · 17/02/2023 09:16

In what way does it disadvantage your children?

You sound a bit over the top imo and quite like the posts who regularly posts about her husband at home.
He isn’t asking you to be quiet or alter your day for him, it’s just that you can “sense where he is in the house” which just sounds ridiculous.

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 09:17

Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 09:13

@AlmostaMamma , it’s my fault for not explaining properly.

He originally told me that he could choose which days he went in on. So it didn’t matter when my days off were.

This transpired not to be the case and he has to go in on two specific days. If I’d known this I could have asked for those two specific days to be my days off. Hope that’s a bit clearer!

Ah, I see! How incredibly annoying. Can either of you go back and change your days? Or, at least, one of them?

If not, can he go work in a coffee shop or a workspace somewhere one of his wfh days? It’s not an ideal situation, but he’s caused it so he should find a solution.

Natty13 · 17/02/2023 09:19

Change what days the kids are in nursery.

Original poster
Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 09:20

I can’t unfortunately @Paq - I work with someone who was appointed to do the days I don’t. So it would have to go through her and she may not be willing to change her days, and nothing can happen for at least another six months anyway.

It disadvantages the children because it’s a longer day in nursery for them, as I have to drop them off as soon as nursery opens to get to work on time, and because we do have to be conscious of noise levels and so on. It’s really easy to say make as much noise as you want, it’s another thing actually doing it with someone working.

OP posts:
Original poster
Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 09:23

I think the thing is DH is like some posters here, some genuinely wouldn’t have a problem with this, and can’t understand why I do, and it’s hard to explain. Because if I said something to DH like ‘I feel I can’t go to bed for an hour’ he would say ‘but of course you can.’

It does put pressure on me on my days off but also it’s really the days I work that are more of a problem. I can’t stay late at work to get stuff done and I can’t get in early either. So I’ve no choice but to take work home with me and it’s really not easy getting things done at home.

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 17/02/2023 09:23

I’d tell him it’s his issue to resolve how he likes but he needs to be doing his share of the nursery preparation and runs on the days he let you plan for that to be happening.

Paq · 17/02/2023 09:24

Can he ask to change his days in the office?

Badger1970 · 17/02/2023 09:24

I think I'd be making his days at home a bit more difficult... lots of household noise, other kids round to play, hoovering etc. You're the one enabling his choices at the end of the day. It would be a cold day in hell before I made life easier for him when he's failing to do so for you.

Americansmoothy · 17/02/2023 09:27

@Branflakesnow I get it, you are getting up to do child care and drop the children at nursery 5 days a week rather than 3 out of 5. Plus on the 3 days you work you are having all the burden of childcare and a commute. If DH WFH on 2 of your working days it would be a 3/2 split much fairer and on 2 of your working days you just get up and go to work like DH does.

I also get why you would want the house to yourself, it’s about solitude and the time to do what you want and not have the mental strain of being considerate to the other person. For those who don’t get it, think Kevin in home alone realising he has the run of the house and doing all the things he shouldn’t.

I think DH is being oblivious to your needs and reneging on the agreement to get out of child care.

I suggest you do an experiment, ask work if you can temporarily swap one of your working days for the next 2 weeks to a day he normally goes in to the office - ideally Thursday for Friday if he works in the office on Thursdays. Don’t tell DH, on the day get up as normal take the children to school and come back home and enjoy being home alone. Then that night tell him oh you’ll be doing childcare tomorrow as I swapped working days. I can guarantee he will miraculously need to go in the office on the Friday. The next week tell him you have swapped days and will be at home x day ( a day he always goes into the office) and watch him suddenly change his WFH day.

If you are able to do this and it goes as I suggest then you need to call him out and say you are swapping so your NWD are the days he normally goes in the office.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 17/02/2023 09:28

I’ve got a similar setup to you but the difference is that I was really clear with dh that he was responsible for dropping off and picking up one day a week, when I was working and that I would completely cover the couple of days he needed to be in the office. He then has no choice but to be at home when I’m working and vice versa. There was no way I was going to be ultimately responsible for all drop offs and pick ups while he treated them as optional.

Hadalifeonce · 17/02/2023 09:30

My DH works from home, I used to feel that I had to be quiet or be out; once the weather started getting worse I decided that essentially, as my job is at home, I will be there and do what I need to. I won't vacuum in the room he is using, but will do all the others, and any other housework needed. I will sit down and have a coffee, read a book or watch TV. I pretend he's not there. I have only once had to say once if he's not happy with my doing the work that gives him a comfortable life, he can always go into the office.
I have even spent several hours binge watching a Netflix series during the day, the only thing he said was 'do you want a coffee?'. RESULT!

WandaWonder · 17/02/2023 09:31

I don't get why he needs to change his days because you have issues that are not actual issues but just complex thinking over something that doesn't need to be an issue?

Original poster
Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 09:31

It’s possible to do that without children I found @Hadalifeonce , it’s difficult with kids in the house.

OP posts:
Dinkeigh · 17/02/2023 09:31

@Branflakesnow so what I'm getting from your further posts is that it's a you issue. My DH loves me being at home, I am flexible, here for the school runs, able to throw some lunch on at my leisure. Whenever there's talk about people going back in the office he says he hopes I'm not affected by it and can stay in my home office. I have a separate room that I work in so they all just leave me to it while I'm working. The issue seems to be you feel like you can't chill, go for a sleep, be lazy on the couch because you feel judged. That's the issue, nothing to do with where people work.

If that's the issue (which you've said above that it is), then having a chat with your DH would be best surely? I couldn't care less what my DH does in the day when he's home, it's his free time it's up to him.

Original poster
Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 09:33

@WandaWonder well, he doesn’t - he can’t!

But it does put pressure on me. It isn’t just about the fact he’s at home when I’m home, it’s also about the fact it impacts my working life.

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 09:34

Have you spoken to him about your feelings about how all this has turned out?