To feel like I am the one who misses out in this arrangement

[Branflakesnow]

I work PT, 3 days a week. I don’t work on Tuesdays or Fridays. Before I made this arrangement I asked DH which days he’d be in the office. The office is quite a long way away so he has to leave at 7, gets back at 7. He told me he’d just go in on my days off. This hasn’t happened.

I am now really fed up with this arrangement. On the days I’m in work I have to be up early and get the kids ready for nursery then go to work myself. On the days I’m off it’s difficult to properly relax because DH is working, so there’s subtle pressure for me to be out of the house as much as possible.

AIBU in thinking this arrangement really disadvantages me and the children?

@GrassWillBeGreener shared Google calendar is the only way to go in our house.
if you don’t put time out/away in the calendar it’s assumed you are available for childcare and home you stay!
seems impersonal but it’s worked well for sharing some of the mental load of planning ahead.

watching this thread because my Husband is about to start a WFH/field based job and I have Fridays off. I’m already a bit gutted he’s likely to be at home Fridays.
I really value my time with the kid and to reset the house nice and organised for the weekend. (I love working but that one day of mumming makes me feel like I haven’t completely abandoned my role as parent by working) I’m hoping that my DS pesters him so much he wants to be on the road that day.
Someone just being around changes the way you approach the day, I get it OP.

Sounds like he feels his career is more important than both your job and your days parenting. It’s belittling. I’m guessing he earns more while your career is plateauing as you prioritise family. One thing I regularly stress is that division of work in our house is about energy input NEVER about financial input. DH earns more than me, I do much more unpaid work by having a day at home. We should both be entitled to equal down time to do as you please.
He should also be sharing drop off and pick up. Sometimes drop off can be a rollercoaster of emotions and it impacts your day. How about you say that you need to be in early one day and see how he figures it out. Women are not the only ones allowed to ask for flexible working.

Seems like this is more the issue than the honeworking to me. You need to make him pull his weight on the nursery runs.

Yes there is. You make him pull his weight with nursery runs. He's just a standard fucking lazy man who finds it easier to have a woman running around doing his boring shit on his behalf.

There's no defence for a refusal to either start later or finish earlier 2/3 days per week. You have to do it every single day you work, why shouldn't he have to make some accommodations?? It's not fair OP, stop accepting it.

I work FT too - from home. I assume you are jealous because you work full time of of the home?

I think people are missing the point as you didn’t make it completely clear in your original post. It’s not that you’re in the house; if it was just you, it would be an advantage as you could spend more time together. It is because you have small children who are noisy and you are very conscious of the noise while he is WFH. Of course, it has now become your responsibility to keep the children quiet - you wouldn’t have much difficulty being quiet yourself! I’d imagine you work 3 days to save nursery fees. I can’t see much you can do except try and get your work days changed. to DH’s WFH days.

@Swiftswatch he doesn’t drop the kids off when he’s WFH as they don’t go to nursery when he’s WFH.

This really should have been emphasised in your first post. It would have seemed obvious that you wouldn’t be paying for nursery on your days off, but some posters obviously didn’t get that! They think you’re swanning around like a lady of leisure while you’re actually looking after 2 small kids and trying to keep them quiet for him.

How would that work? It would mean putting in nursery when they’re both at home and keeping them off when they’re both at work!

I can't understand why you feel the way you do OP but I can tell its impacting you and you're not happy.

I think it would be worth you and your DH having a couple of sessions of couples counselling to sort this out. I think you're having an unusual response to having him in the house and he's failing to understand you which is frustrating. Having some help trying to address why you feel this pressure could make all the difference to your day to day life.

And the kids know he’s there but aren’t old enough to understand he’s working and can’t be disturbed so keeping them out adds another challenge to my day.

You should have put this loud and clear in your first post. It is surely the absolutely fundamental challenge of this situation So many posters have been at cross purposes telling you YABU but haven’t got that point at all. Assuming you’re in a bog standard family home and he’s not working away in the west wing of your mansion, it must be so hard! Could you afford to put the kids in nursery in one iIf your at home days?

Don’t know if it’s possible to ask MNHQ for an edit of your OP,

@CecilyP - the votes don’t seem to reflect that though. It doesn’t matter how clear you are; some people will always not really be able to read very well and some will understand but tell you you’re unreasonable anyway.

I am not interested in counselling, thanks. As I said yesterday, I was just having a bit of a rant. It really is one where some people will get it and some won’t. Interestingly, I read somewhere that many nannies will refuse to work in homes where the parent or parents WFH so that in itself is interesting!

the kids know he’s there but aren’t old enough to understand he’s working and can’t be disturbed so keeping them out adds another challenge to my day.

If you’d written that in your OP, you might have got different answers than saying you can’t properly relax!

Well, 85% of people who read it feel the same as me, so I’m not totally sure that is true, actually. It is true I didn’t go into the nuts and bolts of why having DH around is difficult, but I don’t really have to include everything in an OP.

Totally agree OP. And sorta think the child element is almost irrelevant. My DH WFH every other week. No kids but it still impacts what I do. He would absolutely say it shouldn’t, but a person working just makes you feel “lazy” mooching about!

This is the crux, isn’t it? You have extra stress on your work days, and your days with the kids are harder than they need to be.

You need to talk to him.

How old are the kids?

Ps. I would definitely stop talking about your childcare days as days off. I’m amazed you can talk about looking after preschoolers as relaxing too 🤯

@CecilyP - the votes don’t seem to reflect that though. It doesn’t matter how clear you are; some people will always not really be able to read very well and some will understand but tell you you’re unreasonable anyway.

Yes, I have noticed that the vote is definitely YANBU. But many of the posters, and I haven’t read the all, seem to have completely misunderstood and many of their responses are completely ridiculous.
And you definitely don’t need counselling!

Interesting point you have made about nannies too! I think your best is to work on changing your own days. I’ve a sort of job share that fitted around my time off just because it suited me. But if my sharer wanted to change for specific reasons, I would be accommodating.

“Interestingly, I read somewhere that many nannies will refuse to work in homes where the parent or parents WFH so that in itself is interesting!”

That’s a different relationship, with a power imbalance. Your situation is not working with your employer there!

I do get what you mean… from the other side. I WFH most of the time, my husband has 2 weekdays off. Sometimes I like to slide out of bed at 08:50, and if he’s already up (on his day off) I feel lazy - even though he doesn’t judge. I also just dislike when I wander down for a snack and he might be there and chatty, and I feel, “I’m at work, I’m not here to entertain you.” I just want to get a bar of chocolate for lunch without anyone knowing! Sometimes I pretend I’m busier than I am 😉

But despite actually understanding a bit, I’d say that the answer here is a “you thing”. The more you just act as you would anyway, the less of a big deal it is. Go for a lie down! Actively choose to get on with your own stuff. It gets easier.

are you able to request a change to the days that you work?

Why did he lie to you?

I totally get the wanting the house to yourself.

@BigFeelingsMoment definitely not relaxing, but there is (or ideally would be) a less rushed feel than my work days, where it’s quite a challenge getting us all washed and dressed and out by 715 am. Then hurtling to work myself and charging around setting everything up.

On the days where DH isn’t home it is different, some people get that and some don’t and that’s fine.

Nanny and mum is definitely a different relationship but overall the original point stands: a working parent in the same house as a preschooler is difficult, and if even professionals find it difficult I think mere mortals are allowed to as well!

I don’t think it was a lie, as such. I think he originally said it believing that to be the case and didn’t update me because like others here, he doesn’t see the importance of whether he is in the house or not.

He should be able to acknowledge the difficulty - at leas the impact on drop offs and pick ups.
I can imagine he actually prefers the current setup, as it means he doesn't get the duty.

If he can't change the days now, it would be sensible if he takes over some part of care on the day he WFH, even if it was something token like breakfast.

YANBU. This would really annoy me.

I think you need to have a serious chat, and arrange your days off differently as soon as you are able. Make it clear that you’re not happy with the situation as it is. Are you sure he can’t change his office days?