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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I am the one who misses out in this arrangement

157 replies

Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 08:12

I work PT, 3 days a week. I don’t work on Tuesdays or Fridays. Before I made this arrangement I asked DH which days he’d be in the office. The office is quite a long way away so he has to leave at 7, gets back at 7. He told me he’d just go in on my days off. This hasn’t happened.

I am now really fed up with this arrangement. On the days I’m in work I have to be up early and get the kids ready for nursery then go to work myself. On the days I’m off it’s difficult to properly relax because DH is working, so there’s subtle pressure for me to be out of the house as much as possible.

AIBU in thinking this arrangement really disadvantages me and the children?

OP posts:

Dinkeigh · 17/02/2023 09:36

Why on earth can't you go for a lie down if you want to? Why do you care so much about what he might think, when you said yourself he probably doesn't think that, it's you overthinking it all.

Wombats67 · 17/02/2023 09:36

My DH worked from home for 20 years. I didn't rub his nose in it by having people over or whatever but otherwise I just did my usual mix of housework & sitting watching the tv.

He was very focused & worked but it was nice to be able to ask him stuff if need be.

I think the issue is that he's not held up his part of the original arrangement so you feel impinged on.

I'd just do what you want to do, if that ends up with him thinking you're lazy or whatever you feel judged about, then deal with that. Don't be going out.

I'm someone who needs a lot of fowntime, so I won't put up with comments.

Shesasuperfreak · 17/02/2023 09:38

I get it OP. Sometimes I want the house to myself so I can potter about and tidy up at my pace.

I like walking in and out of the rooms slowly sorting stuff out.

Things just feel different when its totally empty. I need that at least once a month.

Sep200024 · 17/02/2023 09:38

Ah yeah, so this is bollocks.

He can’t do kids/nursery on 2 days a week because he’s gone to the office, and then he doesn’t do it another 2 days a week because they’re your days off!

I can see why he might like this arrangement. Does he at least do the kids on the other 1 day a week?

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 17/02/2023 09:39

I absolutely get you. Dh works permanently remotely now. It drives me insane.
I hadn't fully realised how much I needed time alone in the house. Now it's never, ever. I took a job with an hour commute each way, just to get some head space.
He is the nicest man living but jesus it tests me daily.
I have a fantasy secret apartment that lives in my brain just to cope!

bagelbagelbagel · 17/02/2023 09:39

My DH wfh most days. I'm home all day (carer for disabled DC + SAHM + on PIP myself) and if I need a nap I will have one! Some days I get loads done, other day pretty much nothing (I have an autoimmune condition, rheumatoid arthritis with many associated conditions, that ebbs and flows) and I have become much better at letting go of any guilt associated with resting while my two whirlwinds are at school.

I think your attitude when your DH is there needs a bit of a re-set. Do what you want!

Whitney168 · 17/02/2023 09:40

I can't for the life of me think why the poor man would want to be out of the house for 12 hours, presumably involving some sort of dull and/or stressful commute, when he doesn't need to be?

He needs to tuck himself behind a closed door when needed for calls/meetings, and you probably need to not have kitchen discos but otherwise get on with life - but no, in his shoes I wouldn't be clearing out of the house for 12 unnecessary hours, twice a week, so you can relax for two days when he's working full time.

billy1966 · 17/02/2023 09:41

OP,

I don't for one minute believe this is accidental.

I think he wants to be at home when you are there.

I would be deeply unhappy with this situation.

He really has you where he wants you.

Doing it all and feeling uncomfortable in your own home.

I bet this isn't in isolation.

He told you one thing that conveniently now has messed you around, and works against YOU who deals with the children most.

He has deliberately locked you into something that doesn't suit you.
Of vourse you are pissed off.
Most people would be furious.

IMO that is really controlling behaviour.

I think it is fair to say he LIED to you and I would now be thinking is he to be trusted in what he says?

There is a whole cohort on MN land that refuses to "understand" the WFH dynamic that some spouces don't like, most particularly with young children.

In real life I have not met one person who doesn't NOT understand that it can definitely be challenging, and for those with young children they can find it really annoying and huge pressure.

Of course you want the freedom of the house...end of.

You asked him, he gave you days, but he lied. That simple.

You have every right to be very pissed off that he couldn't tell you the truth and be depended upon to follow through.

Mind yourself OP because I think this is a red flag in your relationship and only you know if its a small one or a big one that has you joining other dots.

Sep200024 · 17/02/2023 09:42

But he does clear himself out of the house and endures the 12 hour days twice a week!

He just does it on the days that OP also has to get to work, thus leaving her with some child responsibility.

Sep200024 · 17/02/2023 09:43

*sole child responsibility

Swiftswatch · 17/02/2023 09:52

@billy1966 *I don't for one minute believe this is accidental.

I think he wants to be at home when you are there.

I would be deeply unhappy with this situation.*

What a dick. Imagine wanting to be around your own wife.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/02/2023 09:58

If he wfh the days you are in work would he be able to drop off and pick up or just one of them? Just because he is wfh it doesn't mean his hours can automatically fit in with childcare. Also interested in this needing the house empty to be able to relax thing. When does a full time worker (either partner) get a day in the house on their own to relax?

endoftheworldniteclub · 17/02/2023 09:58

I understand completely what you mean. It’s the feeling of being alone in the house. Not having someone constantly popping out to get coffee, food, talk for a while, asking about stuff. But yeah, if it doesn’t bother you it doesn’t.

LittleBearPad · 17/02/2023 10:00

Talk to him and see if he can change one of his days, probably Tuesday. Then you’ll get one day when he can do drop off and one day all without him.

I do think this is partly you making things difficult for yourself. Just crack on with whatever you want to do.

billy1966 · 17/02/2023 10:00

Swiftswatch · 17/02/2023 09:52

@billy1966 *I don't for one minute believe this is accidental.

I think he wants to be at home when you are there.

I would be deeply unhappy with this situation.*

What a dick. Imagine wanting to be around your own wife.

Wants to be around her but not help out with runs or share the parenting load.

You are right, what a dick👍😁

SS1983 · 17/02/2023 10:01

@Branflakesnow Are the kids home with you on the 2 days you are off?

Darhon · 17/02/2023 10:02

He does a couple of days WFH on your work days so he can do the nursery run and you can get in. He goes to work on your days off so he gets an easy day to get into work and come home and hopefully have tea cooked and kids having had a nice day. He’s just thinking of himself here.

Binfluencer · 17/02/2023 10:04

He's played a blinder getting himself out of all the nursery runs hasn't he?

MangoBiscuit · 17/02/2023 10:05

I think there's 2 issues here, and I think they probably need to be seperated for them to be dealt with.

Firstly, your DH being home while you are shouldn't really be a problem. Whilst I do understand the impact it can have, that isn't being caused by the situation, it's being caused by the pressures and expectations you're setting for yourself. Unless your DH is setting the expectations (for you to be quiet, and constantly productive etc), in which case he can fuck off!

Secondly, the childcare arrangements. Your DH has dropped the ball here. You arranged your days to better facilitate childcare. Your DH messed up, is now not available to do his share of the drop offs and collections, and has seemingly just expected you to fill the gap. That's not ok. He either needs to swap his days so that he can do his share of the childcare, or he needs to figure out what he can do to help tip the balance back, and remove some of the extra stress he's dropped on you. Maybe he sorts out all outfits / bags / sets out breakfasts in the mornings. Maybe he cooks the dinners on those days. Maybe he makes sure to give you a half a day to yourself every weekend so you can destress a bit. Whatever works for you both. But just expecting you to pick up the slack, so he can carry on unaffected is not ok.

Daizie · 17/02/2023 10:05

This boils down to the relationship doesn't it. Some people can't see the issue, some people have gone as extreme to say red flag and borderline stalker behaviour.

My DH works from home full time, I wouldn't change it for the world. He doesnt give a shit what I'm up to on my days off, he wouldn't care if I binged on netflix all day. I dont feel he's intrusive in the slightest.

Daizie · 17/02/2023 10:06

I agree he needs to help with the school runs, but the WFH should be no issue at all.

Billslills · 17/02/2023 10:08

YANBU to expect you and your husband to work as a team and on the 2 -3 of the days you work, he WFH so he can help manage the kids more. Then on your days off, you manage the kids.

YABU to expect him to go into the office on your days off just because you are not able to relax at home with him there.

Swiftswatch · 17/02/2023 10:09

billy1966 · 17/02/2023 10:00

Wants to be around her but not help out with runs or share the parenting load.

You are right, what a dick👍😁

Show quote history

He drops the kids off when he works from home. It’s a pretty easy solution. No need for all the drama.

Sounds like their previous set up was for OP to drop them on her day off because at that point it made sense, now it makes sense for the DH to do it on those days if he’s going to be working from home.

All this banging on about him being controlling is just ridiculous.

Original poster

Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 10:18

So the remaining day is one where he can’t do drop offs and pick ups because of meeting clashes. I know this and it’s not a problem. But it does mean nursery runs are all on me. That wouldn’t matter so much but it does put me at a disadvantage re not being able to get in early or stay late.

The days he’s at home when I’m at home, I do get some of you don’t have an issue with this and don’t see why I do, DH is the same. He really wouldn’t understand at all. And I think this is how this has happened because it isn’t about being controlling, he genuinely can’t see how him being here is a problem. It’s not a problem but him working here is. That may well be me being unreasonable but the thing is it’s hard to not feel as you feel about something.

OP posts:

Original poster

Branflakesnow · 17/02/2023 10:20

@Swiftswatch he doesn’t drop the kids off when he’s WFH as they don’t go to nursery when he’s WFH.

I actually agree that it wasn’t necessarily deliberate or controlling but you are minimising this a bit by making out that he does some of the drop offs - he doesn’t. The way the week is structured now that 100% falls on me.

OP posts:

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