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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Breastfed babies at weddings?

236 replies

Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 00:07

Dh and I have been invited to a full day wedding of friends which we'd really love to go to. Problem is I'm ebf and ds will have only just turned 5 months old by then so I'm not sure how to manage a full day away from him. He will take a bottle but only VERY rarely and definitely prefers feeding from breast (he's better with wind etc when not feeding from bottle too as he has a slight tongue tie - feeding has been a challenge so im hesitant about messing with it). I also have a big oversupply so worried about the impact of not being able to feed him for a full day, I'm not sure how much of the day I'd have to miss pumping and as there's no accommodation at the venue (I've been there before) I'm not sure where I could do that other than a toilet cubicle which isn't ideal. I also find i don't get anywhere near as good a letdown when I pump compared to feeding so worried about mastitis.

When I got married we didn't have any children at our wedding. So I fully understand why people don't want babies at a wedding when they've paid for videographer etc and they're taking a seat at the table and space is precious. However we did make an exception for any breastfed babies as I had a number of friends bf at the time who wouldn't have felt able to come otherwise.

Would it be unreasonable to ask the couple if they'd allow a breastfed baby? It's not in a hotel where a grandparent could have baby nearby etc or I'd have arranged that and just nipped out to feed. If they decline (which is their choice - its their wedding) is my other option to decline the invite or what alternative would you suggest?

First time parent so just trying to plan ahead!

OP posts:
AnuSTart · 17/02/2023 10:28

I was in exactly this situation and was doing the reading at the wedding but my friend wouldn't let me bring my baby. After 7 hours without my 5 month old I was so sore and my breasts were hardly fitting in my dress and when I said that I would have to leave and go home my friend treated it as a snub. Awful.
Do not prioritise a wedding over your baby.

Original poster
Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 10:33

MrsMikeDrop · 17/02/2023 06:00

Like what? Who excludes you because you are BF? A wedding is different, and should be because ... it's a wedding!! And quite honestly, if you're going to have a baby, don't you expect to put some things on hold? A lot is still on hold for me, it sux sure, but I don't whinge about it (and most of that is my choice too as becomes in the too hard basket so I just don't do it).

Show quote history

A whole lot of social activities. Please see other threads on here suggesting that babies shouldn't be allowed in cafes/restaurants. Meaning that bf mothers also shouldn't be allowed in cafes/restaurants. I've been shown to a back room and spent the evening by myself bf while listening to all my other relatives socialising together over Christmas for the entire night on Christmas eve because we couldn't make the male relatives uncomfortable. Have you any idea how lonely and isolating that is? At a time when you've just had a little baby and you just want a bit of adult company? You better believe bf women get excluded.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 10:38

Mummyme87 · 17/02/2023 07:13

I declined a family wedding when they said no children. I had an 8month old breastfeeding and was not about to leave him somewhere. It wouldn’t have worked nor did I feel comfortable.
the bride and groom were narked about it but that’s their problem. If you say no kids you have to accept people won’t go.

I would ask them if baby was invited also, and if they say no, just decline. Very simple

This is actually my main worry, I feel like if we don't go they might be annoyed about it so part of me wants to explain that it's because of bf - I physically cannot leave baby, but also don't want that to make them feel under pressure as its their choice at the end of the day. I think we're going to just decline and mention the reason why so they know we would have really liked to be there and it's not a slight in any way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 10:40

ZekeZeke · 17/02/2023 07:26

5 month old don't fuss they roar.

How old is your baby right now?

Big difference between a newborn and a 5 month

Baby is 3.5 months now.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 17/02/2023 10:44

'I think we're going to just decline and mention the reason why so they know we would have really liked to be there and it's not a slight in any way.'

Very smart. Asking to bring baby would be unfair on them and very inappropriate. They may decide that baby can come, they may not. Totally understandable that you can't leave baby for a whole day, or be expected to pump and express and be uncomfortable all day. Also totally reasonable for them to say 'no children' and to mean it

BannMan · 17/02/2023 10:45

I think we're going to just decline and mention the reason why so they know we would have really liked to be there and it's not a slight in any way.

I think that's the best approach OP. If you say you're so sorry to miss it but baby is EBF and you can't leave him for any length of time but wish them a lovely day, then that puts ball in their court. They may wish to make a small exception for your baby but equally it respects their wishes on their special day if they don't want children there.

Johnisafckface · 17/02/2023 10:45

MrsMikeDrop · 17/02/2023 01:32

Why, babies are the worst and likely to cry, just decline. I don't know why people make such a big issue about it

Show quote history

This.

I just wouldn’t go- breast fed or not. I would feel guilty if the baby cried during the ceremony and to me that would ruin the event ( but I hate hearing screaming babies)

BannMan · 17/02/2023 10:48

Oh and my DC1 found her voice at 4 months and would make loud screeching noises babble to people in restaurants, coffee shops etcBlush

Warrensrabbit · 17/02/2023 10:49

Yawn. When I say no kids at my wedding, that’s what I mean. Not an exception for you because you don’t want to leave your baby, or an exception for Henry because I’ve always been his favourite, or an exception for that one blah, blah, blah.
people are happy to agree with child free weddings so long as it doesn’t apply to them.

highgatemums · 17/02/2023 10:50

Great you have made a decision you are comfortable with, OP. It'll take the pressure off now that you know what you are doing.

Alexandernevermind · 17/02/2023 10:51

Babies shouldn't be at child free weddings imo, so I wouldnt even ask for an exception. I chose to have a family wedding, because that's what I wanted. We are a large family and I loved the dancefloor full of grandparents dancing with small children atmosphere. Couples will often choose to have a child free for a different atmosphere and it isn't necessary about space or cost. For example I wouldn't let my sil bring her newborn to a boozy birthday adults only meal out with friends and family, which she thought I was unreasonable for. My argument was that behaviours are rightly very different when there were children in the party, particularly babies, and I just wanted one child free evening.

RampantIvy · 17/02/2023 10:52

Warrensrabbit · 17/02/2023 10:49

Yawn. When I say no kids at my wedding, that’s what I mean. Not an exception for you because you don’t want to leave your baby, or an exception for Henry because I’ve always been his favourite, or an exception for that one blah, blah, blah.
people are happy to agree with child free weddings so long as it doesn’t apply to them.

The issue is that bridezillas then feel snubbed because the breastfeeding mother can't go.

We are going round in circles with this.

x2boys · 17/02/2023 10:55

RampantIvy · 17/02/2023 10:52

The issue is that bridezillas then feel snubbed because the breastfeeding mother can't go.

We are going round in circles with this.

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That's on them then,childfree weddings are a Pita,for many parents not just breast feeding ones ,but if that's what the Happy couple want that's their choice
but they will.also .have to.accept some guests won't be able to.attend.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/02/2023 10:56

I’ve known more than one at weddings, inc. my own.
As long as parents will quickly take a baby out if it starts crying during the ceremony or speeches, I can’t for the life of me see why small babies should be excluded. It’s not as if they need an expensive meal.
If I were not allowed to take a small baby (BF or not) to a wedding, I would just decline to go.

Warrensrabbit · 17/02/2023 10:58

@RampantIvy the issue is when breastfeeding mothers say “I wont go because you wont let me bring baby” which makes it sound like they are taking a stand against the rule or trying to make a point. Just say “sorry we cant come” and then no one feels snubbed. It’s parents (not bridezillas- it is probably both the couples choice) pushing it back on the couple getting married when in reality they don’t actually need to give a reason

mewkins · 17/02/2023 10:58

I suspect that if they have over invited and are hoping people will decline, it will be a no. If they want everyone they have invited to be there then they will say of course bring them along.

I've taken tiny babies to weddings before and it was really nice and low-stress.

RampantIvy · 17/02/2023 11:03

@Warrensrabbit I agree. I suggested upthread the best answer was to say she couldn't go and why.

I don't think the OP sounds entitled at all.

ItsaMetalBand · 17/02/2023 11:04

Option 3 - when my Sis was maid of honour at her friend's wedding and had a bottle refuser 3mo.
She had a room upstairs in the venue and her phone on silent. Granny would text whenever the baby needed a feed and Sis would discreetly leave. Obviously she gave a big feed before the ceremony, immediately after then did photos. Another quick feed before the meal and she was able to leave after the first dance.

ThighMistress · 17/02/2023 11:06

A small baby (bf or otherwise) isn’t really a problem, even if it cries.

The problem imo is when people start off with the baby and then say they can’t leave Henry (4) and Phoebe (2) either. Multiply by 10 friends with their own broods.

illtakeit · 17/02/2023 11:07

Just ask OP and then you can make your decision depending on what they say.

Whammyyammy · 17/02/2023 11:12

Breastfeeding is natural, if anyone has a problem with it, then that's on them.

I remember reading about a man complaining about a woman breast feeding in a coffee shop, saying she should feed the baby in the toilet

A member of the woman's group got up, took the man's coffee and cake into the toilet and came back and told him to eat in there...

RampantIvy · 17/02/2023 11:14

Brilliant @Whammyyammy
😁

Whammyyammy · 17/02/2023 11:19

RampantIvy · 17/02/2023 11:14

Brilliant @Whammyyammy
😁

Always thought I would do the same if I saw it happen. Never have, and probably wouldn't.
But I really don't see why people find breastfeeding offensive?

Calphurnia88 · 17/02/2023 11:22

You can ask, but be prepared for them to say no.

I EBF so I understand the issues around bottle refusal and discomfort (for you), but saying yes to you could put them in a really difficult position if there are guests that are closer to the couple e.g. family who have had to arrange childcare the day.

SpideyCraw · 17/02/2023 11:28

Lavender14 · 17/02/2023 10:26

@indiadreamer In our case there were no bottle fed babies so it was a non issue. But I do think it's at least possible to get a baby babysat if they can take a bottle whereas if they're ebf and don't take a bottle or parent is trying to establish breastfeeding then the baby cannot be left. Then it's the parents choice whether or not they're comfortable leaving them.

@CjCreggs and @Nicecow I've already said i fully understand why they may not allow children and that it's their day. I'm not expecting them to say yes and I asked on here because I don't want to put them under pressure which is why i want sure whether to message at all or not... not sure that makes me sanctimonious or entitled. Plus i did allow very small babies at my wedding because their parents who were bf couldn't have come otherwise but we didn't have space to allow children who could be babysat and who's parents had the choice.

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So just to be clear, you think it is in any way acceptable to treat a breastfed baby differently to a formula fed baby when it comes to making exceptions at child free events? I had some sympathy with you OP but that’s really nasty.

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