To think dp is too harsh on 2yr old?

[Whoissit]

Please help me settle the never ending debate, sleep.

I'm perfectly fine with being told I'm the one being unreasonable but I really don't think I am.

Dp has become increasingly frustrated with dc, who is 2yrs 3months, not being able to fall asleep on his own. I keep telling him he has unrealistic expectations that aren't fair to put on dc given his age. That I remember my parents sitting with me reading a book, singing, or rubbing my head until I fell asleep in primary school. I'm getting annoyed at the constant arguments we are having about it because dp thinks dc should be able to lie down at night and just go to sleep on his own. I don't think it's unnatural for him to need soothing/comforting at night.

Once dc is asleep he may way once or twice, most the time he sleeps the whole night through.

Dp thinks I'm being too soft on him and wants to let him cry it out. I generally don't believe in doing that unless it's crucial, example being we are sleep deprived or he is. I think it's drastic measures and causes unnecessary stress to dc.

So who is being unreasonable here? It's our first child. Maybe 2 year olds all do just go to sleep on their own without a problem and I'm pandering....

I’d hate to be sat there for a whose
hour just so they can sleep after 2 tbh.
It doesn’t have to be your way or the highway. DH should be doing his part absolutely but it seems you want him to do it your way. If he’s not happy staying with DS for an hour and a half ( I don’t blame him), you need to come to a
compromise.

You post about a bigger bed to cosleep in makes me wonder if there’s some truth in your DH saying you’re ‘pandering’ to him.

I co-slept till just before 2 but they were sleeping on their own by 2- bath, teeth, story, lullaby, cuddles.

Do you work? Doyou get enough to wind down time? What time does DC wake up?

Your DP is bu.

Is the bedtime routine exactly the same every night?

Is your DP coming in from work late and getting him wound up so it takes awhile to get him calmed for the evening?

Get a very strict bedtime routine and stick to it. Bath, teeth, Jammies, in bed, lovey, story, hugs, etc.
Whatever it is, exactly the same.

That way you can slowly move away from all the patting and being there for an hour and a half.

So just because the timeline if cosleeping doesn't match yours it turns into "pandering"?
Absolutely ridiculous.

DD is 2 years 7 months. She still needs help to go to sleep.

Since she dropped a daytime nap she does fall asleep fairly quickly, although on days she’s been at the childminders it can take quite a bit longer for some reason (separation anxiety?)

Neither DH nor I would ever let her cry it out. So it’s not a dad thing. He’s probably softer than me.

What we are starting to do (well actually just me, because like I said DH is softer) is doing the usual story, song and then sitting with her until she’s fairly settled but if she’s not completely asleep by then I’ll say ‘mummy just needs a wee/ to brush her teeth/ to put this washing away - you try to sleep and I’ll come back and check on you in a few minutes’.

Sometimes she just gets immediately upset and it’s counter productive, but increasingly she will either lie there quietly till I come back in which case I give her another pat/ kiss and then repeat - or she’ll be asleep by the time I come back.

That's how I see it too op.

This is irrelevant because no two babies are the same.
My second boy is able to self settle and has done since very early age. I never trained him. He can open his eyes in the night and fall back asleep. My first would never have done that.

So what happens with one isn't necessarily what will happen with two.

This. 1 1/2 hrs most nights is a long time. And it does cut into your evenings and time you can spend as a couple without the kids around, which is also important. Maybe look into some gentle sleep training methods which might help your child gradually be able to dose off without you.

a story and 10 mins of cuddles is lovely, sitting for 1 1/2 hrs I think is a lot.

Something I've learned after having my second is just how unnecessarily harsh I was on DC1 and how high my expectations were. I've made a conscious effort since DC2 to be kinder and acknowledge their age and developmental stage.

They are so little, love them don't be hard on them. Balanced, stable, kind parenting with clear firm boundaries and fairness is all it takes.

90 mins is ridiculous. Here’s the thing, if someone was engaging (which is what you’re doing basically) with me for 90 mins every night, I sure as hell wouldn’t be dropping off to sleep. You could be doing this for years.

Also agree 1.5 hours most nights is really quite excessive - from my experience I don't think it's normal for a child to need this to go to sleep - but it's not about what everyone else does, it's about if this is working for you as a family and sounds like it isn't.

At that age I think it's all about them knowing exactly what's happening and making them feel safe - are there ways you can make your DC feel safe that isnt sitting and patting for 1.5 hours? The ideas about "mummy will check on you in 1 minute is a good one. then check on you in 2 minutes, then in 3 etc...

OP that’s far too long to be doing it most nights. This would drive me insane. You don’t need to do CIO. Maybe try the gradual retreat method instead? Our 5 month old learnt in 5 days with that method. I’m with your DH on this one I’m afraid. The current method isn’t working (and is robbing your son of an extra hour of sleep)

We would read a book/books to our DCs and ensure they were settled but my personal opinion is that you need to teach your child to be able to get to sleep themselves. I'm not necessarily talking about leaving them wide awake but a bit sleepy and not fast asleep. This will probably resolve the night waking also. I'm not saying about controlled crying at all, just gradually encourage them to settle alone.

A PP mentioned they sit with their 9 yo to get them to sleep. That definitely isn't part of being a parent, being a parent is teaching your children skills for life appropriate for their age. I don't know of anyone with children that age who still sit with them until they fall asleep.

My baby's only one but I spend an average of 30-60 minutes a night settling and would keep doing this at two years old I'm sure, and that's after we've sleep trained him several months ago (not with cry it out though).

We sleep trained at seven months with a method of waiting 5 minutes of letting him cry a little initially before soothing then going and patting him to sleep. But if he's crying a lot he gets patted to sleep immediately or picked up and soothed. This worked to stop him waking constantly, but he does still need help getting to sleep initially. I no longer wait 5 minutes but go in after about 30 seconds to help him if he's crying.

I agree that it's a bit harsh not to go and help a two year old. They're only little and the emotional support of knowing mummy and daddy are coming in to help them must be very reassuring.

Like a pp said, the caveat would be that if the sleep deprivation is causing you issues due to how often you have to wake up to soothe him or how long you have to soothe him for, then I would consider more drastic measures.

Not a chance would I sit patting a 2yo for 1.5hrs until they fell asleep. OK yeah a 6month old on a difficult night but at age 2 there is no way. If my dh wanted to do that then I'd leave him to it. I'd be there for bath, stories, cuddles etc but then I'd leave him to crack on with pandering to the madness.

We've always done bath, teeth, stories, tuck them into bed, sing a lullaby/have a chat (depending on age), cuddles and kisses then leave the room. They both have the main light off, lamp on and the door closed. Ages 4 and 7 now and we never have any issues at bed time. I don't think we've had any issues at bedtime since they were babies.

You're both right in some ways - at that age you can work towards falling asleep alone. Child needs to know you're around and available but I think you could try leaving him to sleep alone (but not cry loads).

Nice warm bath
two stories
a little chat
kiss goodnight
pop back after five mins

Maybe you should read my post again. Do you lack comprehension skills? The OP’s desire to reverse any little progress they’ve made and now co-sleep is what i’m referring to. Her husband’s choice of word. Also “it makes me wonder” if …🙄

I would recommend starting to help him sleep alone.

I'm still settling my 4 year old dd to sleep for up to a hour and my 22 month old ds. I'm losing my tether and it's a rod I created off my own back.

I'm looking for solutions as I have to wean ds too off the breast.

I'm envious of my friends who just say good night and their children fall to sleep independently!

Watching for tips!

She can cosleep if she wants.
Your post was patronising. Comprehensive enough to know you're a knob.

Sorry not RTFT, only OP’s posts but front that, it sounds like you’re at opposite ends of the spectrum.

It is definitely reasonable to have some sort of a bedtime routine - at 5 and 6yrs old, we still do bath, story, cuddles and sleep. But I think your husband is also reasonable in saying that spending more than 1 hour sitting in his room is too long if it is a regular occurrence.

You need to meet in the middle somewhere and it will take time to achieve if you want to minimise tears but I don’t think there’s anything unreasonable in him not wanting to spend so long putting him to bed. I do think he’s being unreasonable if he thinks he will go sleep with no wind down or adult input at all though

We do teeth, book, cuddles, lights out door shut.

Always had a book and cuddle. Never and nor would i ever sit till they fall asleep im afraid.

”she can cosleep if she wants”? Are you 12?
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Actually that’s doing tweens a disservice . Are you 5?

You sound very clever.

What's wrong with saying she can cosleep if she wants to? The pp is viewing that as a setback whereas I view that as giving her child comfort and closeness - as I imagine the OP does.

Same here. My dad used to tell me and my brother bedtime stories and stay with us until we fell asleep until I was at least 7 or 8 (brother 2 years younger). It's a really happy childhood memory for me and I can remember drifting off feeling safe and loved.

I now have a 3yo and a 10 month old. I rock the 10 month old til very sleepy and then put him down and stay singing to him til he's fast asleep. I then go and sing to the 3 year old as well until he falls asleep. Both normally sleep through for 10+ hours now. Sometimes the baby wakes a couple of times but hey that's babies. From going upstairs to them both being asleep can take 60/90 minutes but that's ok, they're adorable babies and it won't be forever.

Before he fully dropped his nap at 2 years 9 months my DS1 did sometimes not fall asleep until gone 9. Now it's gone he's always asleep by 7.45 latest.

OP, if your DH wants some childfree quality time with you why don't you suggest he cooks a lovely grownup meal while you're putting your little one down and then you can have a nice late-ish date night at home once she's asleep?

I think men in general are less able to read their childrens needs and also a lot of them deliberately but unconsciously dont recognise their needs because a/ thats what their parents did to them and b/ they happily put their needs above needs of their children.