To think dp is too harsh on 2yr old?

[Whoissit]

Please help me settle the never ending debate, sleep.

I'm perfectly fine with being told I'm the one being unreasonable but I really don't think I am.

Dp has become increasingly frustrated with dc, who is 2yrs 3months, not being able to fall asleep on his own. I keep telling him he has unrealistic expectations that aren't fair to put on dc given his age. That I remember my parents sitting with me reading a book, singing, or rubbing my head until I fell asleep in primary school. I'm getting annoyed at the constant arguments we are having about it because dp thinks dc should be able to lie down at night and just go to sleep on his own. I don't think it's unnatural for him to need soothing/comforting at night.

Once dc is asleep he may way once or twice, most the time he sleeps the whole night through.

Dp thinks I'm being too soft on him and wants to let him cry it out. I generally don't believe in doing that unless it's crucial, example being we are sleep deprived or he is. I think it's drastic measures and causes unnecessary stress to dc.

So who is being unreasonable here? It's our first child. Maybe 2 year olds all do just go to sleep on their own without a problem and I'm pandering....

We've always done a bedtime routine, consisting of pyjamas, brush teeth, toilet, story, and lights out. Same time each night.
At 2 years old we stayed until they fell asleep, this continued for quite a long while.
Now we stay a bit, give a kiss good night and leave.

My DH has been known to fall asleep with the children though.

After bedtime routine, story etc we found it useful to play talking books to our children, worked a treat!

why is the door closed?

bedtime story, kiss and leave

leaving the child in a comfortable set up, night lights? music? door open? almost all children want the door open, dont they?

sitting for over an hour unti lthey fall asleep is WAAAY OTT, but closing the door on a crying two year old is not normal either, a two year old can be told what is going to happen, and understand. shut alone into the dark sounds horrible

Not a hope in hell would I sit there for an hour and a half. That is beyond ridiculous.

I think there’s a happy medium to be found between sitting and patting for 1.5hours and slamming the door and ignoring screaming.

I don't think there is anything wrong with comforting a child until they fall asleep if they need it, though I guess it depends how long this takes.

My DS is almost 5, and I still stay with him until he falls asleep. We read a book, then he lies down in bed and I sing to him until he falls asleep - it takes maximum 20 minutes for him to go to sleep, and he sleeps for 12 hours straight, so entirely worth the effort from my perspective!

Oh OP, I would LOVE for my 2 year old to go to sleep, and stay asleep, like yours!

What do you do about lighting ? Sometimes children get scared if you turn off the lights and leave.
We put glow stickers on the ceiling of stars and a moon and had a little night light so it wasn't just a darkened room.

I think there's a middle ground here! If you could end up with a nice bedtime of 30 or 40 mins your partner might have more patience for it. I think i would reduce the rubbing and patting first, then start to say I needed a wee and would come back. With my eldest we had a stage where she was OK to go to sleep on her own but I'd need to be pottering around upstairs putting washing away etc.

I agree actually if it’s 1.5hs… we stay about 5 mins and that’s what I assumed. No wise words on how to fix it, but like you I wouldn’t leave him to scream. I’ve never tried gradual retreat but it seems sensible here!

My ds is nearly 8 and still needs a night light at night.

Our 4yo needs us to be with them to fall asleep. We like it, it gives us some calm 1:1 time with DC to read books, have a chat and settle them to sleep. As a result, we've never tried to get DC to go off to sleep on their own. I can appreciate though it's tiring at that point in the day and you just want to sit on the sofa and not move.

How about a system where you alternate days and if it's taking more than 30 minutes the other person tags in to take over? So you do Monday, he does Tuesday etc. That way you always get an evening to sit and relax but will step in to support if the actual sleep part is taking a very long time. Once you get the sleep part to be quicker then you could think about how you remove yourself gradually from the room but with DC still settling for sleep.

Ours have stories before bed, 2 year old just goes to sleep by herself, 4 year old needs someone to sit on the bedroom floor for 10 min til he falls asleep or he gets worried we've gone out. Not sure why, always wait til they're sound asleep to leave them home alone. Kidding 🙄😂

Mine will be 18 months old in just over a week and I imagine we will still be cosleeping and breastfeeding when he is 2!! They’re not little for long at all so I want to make the most of this time with him 🥰 It can be difficult when they won’t go to sleep but I don’t believe in leaving a baby/child alone to cry themselves to sleep. Mine is currently up playing and he hasn’t napped today so he’s been up for about 10 hours now as he didn’t wake up until after 11 but I can’t make him sleep 🤷‍♀️

I sit with my 8 year old til she falls asleep, it's just the way it is. Im used to it now

I would look at doing some version of “gradual retreat” OP. So initially just sitting with him, not actually touching him, while he falls asleep and do that for a few nights. Then move to be sitting further away from him for a few nights. Then in the doorway, then outside his room. He might get a bit upset but you’re right there still, so he’s unlikely to become hysterical like he does if you leave him completely and go downstairs. Might take a couple of weeks until you can actually leave him to fall asleep on his own.
I also used to tell mine I was just going to put the oven on, or empty the washing machine or something, and I’d come back in a few mins. They were often asleep when I came back and gradually got used to falling asleep alone.

It depends on your child.

DS would still be roaming for hours after he was taken up to bed. He was still waking four times a night age six.

A parent shouting certainly isn't going to solve anything. And the parent taking a long time to settle a child isn't in the wrong. Some kids need that extra reassurance. So kids turn out to have medical issues that can't be diagnosed until they are older. (ADHD doesn't usually start to be considered until age 6).

It can be soul destroying and exhausting. There is no magic bullet here cos unfortunately all kids are different.

The big thing is actually being on the same page for parenting style though because if you aren't, you add more stress to the situation and that in itself makes it harder for your child to sleep.

Oh also they have baths, teeth, story, nightlights, little one has dummy and milk, and then say goodnight and they have doors shut as the older kids are noisy. I wouldn't sit for an hour but my partner would as he's the soft one

I'm 55!

DP is a twat.

His attitude is worrying.

Does he even like his son?

Don't have another child with this man.

A man who seeks to drive a wedge between you and your child, who wants your attention when you are giving it to your child, is a controlling and angry man.

I am a mum but I often think like a dad The 20 - 30 mins waiting with your son is absolutely 100% fine. But I could not sit there for 1 - 1/2 hours, as per your worst case scenario. I would be climbing the walls.
YANBU at all, but I can see your partner's point a bit too.

I couldn't be with a man who would shut a 2 year old in a dark room & be happy listening to him calling crying & screaming for an hour. No way!!

Nor would I do what you're doing. Allowing /teaching a child to get themselves off to sleep is a life lesson. A valuable life lesson.

just start saying you need to go for a wee & you'll be right back & do go out & go back. Then you need to get a jumper as you're cold, potter around upstairs so he can hear you & feel safe, take a bit longer, but go back... extending things & times. Leave a very low night light on on or night stars.

low back ground music.

imo audio books aren't a great idea as when they're a bit older they can try to stay awake to listen, music is better. I like something like 'love songs' rather than kids stuff or classical music.

It could well be that you sitting with him is what's keeping him awake if it takes 90mins!

But that doesn't mean leaving them to cry. It means finding a way to make a calm safe environment. Music, night light, an audio book...

I’m writing to you as I rock my two years old to sleep ! He will also wake up once in the night and crawl into my bed . One day he won’t need me to sooth him anymore so I’m treasuring every moment I have .