To think dp is too harsh on 2yr old?

[Whoissit]

Please help me settle the never ending debate, sleep.

I'm perfectly fine with being told I'm the one being unreasonable but I really don't think I am.

Dp has become increasingly frustrated with dc, who is 2yrs 3months, not being able to fall asleep on his own. I keep telling him he has unrealistic expectations that aren't fair to put on dc given his age. That I remember my parents sitting with me reading a book, singing, or rubbing my head until I fell asleep in primary school. I'm getting annoyed at the constant arguments we are having about it because dp thinks dc should be able to lie down at night and just go to sleep on his own. I don't think it's unnatural for him to need soothing/comforting at night.

Once dc is asleep he may way once or twice, most the time he sleeps the whole night through.

Dp thinks I'm being too soft on him and wants to let him cry it out. I generally don't believe in doing that unless it's crucial, example being we are sleep deprived or he is. I think it's drastic measures and causes unnecessary stress to dc.

So who is being unreasonable here? It's our first child. Maybe 2 year olds all do just go to sleep on their own without a problem and I'm pandering....

At that age we did the same as you OP. Take DD upstairs, read to her for a bit and then stay with her until she fell asleep. Sometimes it would be quick and other times it could take an hour - we weren’t sure what to do about that, but eventually (she’s now 3) her bedtime moved back a bit and now she falls asleep very quickly most nights. I still stay with her though.

I think you know your DS best and should follow your own instincts and continue to do what you are doing. I do the same with my DD, she's almost 2.5 and it takes 1-2 hours a night. A lot of the time it's difficult or boring but I think when she's grown up I'll look back and be glad I did it. My partner and I both enjoy the alone time we get, we'd love more evenings together but we will get them eventually.

Is your son having a nap? Also what time is bedtime?

My just turned 2 year old does get herself to sleep at bedtime and has done for a good 10 months. Although naptime it took a lot longer and naps were only contact naps until 3 months ago because she would scream for hours. But my niece was about 5 before she was able to fall asleep on her own and needed a lot of the things you describe for your son so every child is different.

If you want to 'sleep train' then leaving him to cry for hours is not the way to do it. At his age it will need to be a much more gentle approach.

In our house we are both home for bedtime with the exemption of maybe once a month.

But we wouldn’t do it different every night because of that once a month.

Sounds like your DS needs a later bedtime. If he's left alone it takes him an hour to fall asleep. If you are there it takes even longer. Maybe a later bedtime would mean it doesn't take him 90 minutes to fall asleep.

Dcs bedtime is 7-8 depending if they have napped, had a tiring day. I would of thought any later is too late for a 9 year old?

I can admit our wind down time sometimes is non existent as dc is jumping off the walls before bed which I don't think sets us up for a good bed timd

What is the current nap schedule.

I think you do need a new winding down and bed routine one that involves stories quiet time etc but also a bit of leaving him sleepy but not asleep

i would talk to your partner about this and agree that it does need a new gentle approach but that just leaving him is not that approach

amd really he does need to understand what is coming

Where is the 9 year old fitting in?

9 year olds dont go to bed at the same time as 2 year olds

so do you do the 2 year old bedtime, leaving the 9 year old where? doing what? and then you do the 9 year old stories and bed?

Also confused by the 9yo making an appearance! But my 8yo goes to bed about 8:30. I would think 8:45 would be an age appropriate bedtime for a 9yo.

Sorry meant 2yr old! Was thinking 9pm so wrote it down by mistake.

Dc's nap time is generally between 1-3 and varies from 30mins to a hour

I think you are both at extremes and the answer is somewhere in the middle. I wouldn't personally spend 1hr plus getting mine to sleep tbh. Evenings together are important

I wouldn't stress. Our eldest was the same - we got into the way of sitting rubbing his back and listening to quiet lullabies until he went to sleep. He was the one seeking that out, it wasn't a routine we created or imagined we would do but it worked well for him. We did try leaving him in the beginning but he would get so distressed when we even left his cotside that it wasn't worth it.

He's now nearly 3 and still likes the lullabies on/someone sitting in the room, but he doesn't need his back rubbed anymore plus now that he isn't napping much he falls asleep very quickly and easily (10-15 mins).

Same. I’m very dad like in my parenting. No way in hell I would sit with my dd for an hour and a half til she fell asleep. I’d have dreaded bedtime every night.

Luckily I could put my dd to bed and she would mess about for about half an hour then fall asleep.

1 hour and a half - I'd go for a later bedtime. He's not tired if it's taking that long.

We both work 9-5, I have a commute, we eat dinner, bath, bedtime for baby, supper for eldest, bedtime for eldest. While they're this small we try to always both be home for bedtime. If we're not both home the 4 yr old snuggles in beside the parent putting the youngest to bed and gets the treat of a cartoon on the tablet then snuggles in and goes to sleep in our bed and gets carried through to his bed where he sleeps all night or sometimes he'll want to watch a cartoon on his own bed, I'll put baby down then go through, turn tablet off, nightlight on, story, cuddles.

My eldest has epilepsy and associated sleep issues so goes to bed later, we've just accepted that as it means he sleeps all night. If they both went down at 7.30/8 I'd probably just do both bedtimes in my room every night I think.

It frustrated the hell out of me sitting for an hour and a half with my ds till he fell asleep. At 2 it's understandable but at 4yo we just resorted to letting him cry it out. He wouldn't even sleep in our bed unless we sat there the entire time with him. No absolute reason except it was just a bad habit that we got into. People say one day they won't need you to but I could not wait for that day! He's now 6yo and will sleep in his room, but wants us there. So the deal is that we sit and read or whatever for 30min only. At 2yo your dp is a bit harsh but you need a plan to make sure that it isn't a permanent thing. A lot of kids don't grow out of it, it just becomes all they know and a bad habit.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. But as others have said you clearly have completely different parenting styles. A 2 year old is old enough to go to sleep on their own without any help/soothing from a parent, so your husband is 100% correct. But that doesn't mean they have to and unless you are going to do CIO then it's going to take a certain amount of time to change things.

The problem as I see it is that you're not communicating with each other, you're communicating at eachother.

You: "There's no problem. I'm not going to do anything to change anything"
Him: "There is a problem. It needs to change now!"
You: "No. You are being unreasonable"

You sound very reasonable and caring from your posts, if your DH is the same and actually this is a clumsy attempt from him to say he misses spending evenings with you then you just need to hear each other out.

You: "I hear that this isn't working for you anymore. I don't feel comfortable going with your suggestion of changing everything overnight, but I do want to move towards a solution that works for all three of us. Can we start discussing all our various issues so we can come up with a plan together? I suspect it may take longer than you are currently wanting, but I want us to develop a plan so that you can see the end is in sight."

I have no idea what “thinking like a dad” means. I have a good idea of what my children’s father thinks, but what does it mean generally? Presumably as opposed to “thinking like a mum”?

@BiasedBinding I feel like the general consensus with it is that dad's are more hardy and mums are more soft/caring? I really don't know!

Disagree with that statement. I'm female and would not spend an hour to an hour and a half putting a 2.5yo child to sleep each night.

I'd cut naps, exercise more, look at a later bedtime, try a book and goodnight and leave. Not a chance would I be in there for that long each night.

There isn’t really a way to interpret it that isn’t that “thinking like a mum” is being stupid and indulgent in some way, whereas “thinking like a dad” is practical and sensible unlike those silly mummies

2 is still so little, and it feels a bit extreme and would no doubt end in tears if you suddenly just walked out and left him to it.

My DS is 2yrs and 3 months. He knows that he gets 3 stories and is then expected to lie in darkness with DH until he goes to sleep. It usually takes 30 minutes to do bath, books and bed in our house.

Tell him to pack it in and let you parent your own child and that if you want to sing him to sleep or tell him stories or whatever then you bloody well will, as you wont get these moments back. If he wants to be mr Mean dad then thats up to him to an extent, but you are fed up with his comments.