To think dp is too harsh on 2yr old?

[Whoissit]

Please help me settle the never ending debate, sleep.

I'm perfectly fine with being told I'm the one being unreasonable but I really don't think I am.

Dp has become increasingly frustrated with dc, who is 2yrs 3months, not being able to fall asleep on his own. I keep telling him he has unrealistic expectations that aren't fair to put on dc given his age. That I remember my parents sitting with me reading a book, singing, or rubbing my head until I fell asleep in primary school. I'm getting annoyed at the constant arguments we are having about it because dp thinks dc should be able to lie down at night and just go to sleep on his own. I don't think it's unnatural for him to need soothing/comforting at night.

Once dc is asleep he may way once or twice, most the time he sleeps the whole night through.

Dp thinks I'm being too soft on him and wants to let him cry it out. I generally don't believe in doing that unless it's crucial, example being we are sleep deprived or he is. I think it's drastic measures and causes unnecessary stress to dc.

So who is being unreasonable here? It's our first child. Maybe 2 year olds all do just go to sleep on their own without a problem and I'm pandering....

God forbid anyone should actually have to parent. To those on this thread saying 5 mins and leave, I bet you all made a big fuss about getting pregnant and all that and then here they are and no one can be arsed. Unbelievable. Just cos the sun went down.
No, it's not unreasonable to sit for an hour, you are correct.

I do think YABU sorry. It's not just about your child. I say that as someone who stays with my child, but this takes 15 min max and doesnt impact on our evening. If it takes 90 min then it's really impacting on your time together as a couple, and I'm not sure it's really working well (that's a long time to take to fall asleep which would suggest he isnt properly tired, or your presence is actually keeping him awake).

Your husband is at the opposite end of the spectrum and I think CIO is very harsh especially if you havent exhausted other options first.

Cant you compromise by trying a very gradual retreat method?

I think DP Bashing is a good idea.

He's horrible and most parents love story time with their children

Your child is still so, so little. If you want to cuddle your little more than a baby to sleep every night please do so, regardless of what your husband or a bunch of randoms on Mumsnet who don't know you or your child think is ridiculous. I promise you it's not. In this country people still think they need to train small children not to need them. That sort of thing comes naturally when they're ready.
Do what you feel is right.
It will not last forever or even long, promise you that too.

Your husband doesn't want bedtime to eat into his relaxing night time but he'd happily listen to his own child scream for an hour instead during his relaxing night time? Horrendous.

You could try doing a very regular routine of bath, teeth, bed, story, lullaby every night at the same time, with gradual retreat. So hold his hand for the first week, then sit at the end of his bed, then sit by the door, then potter around upstairs so he can hear you as he drifts off. Say ‘I just have to fold this laundry/change our bed/tidy up in the spare room but I’ll be back in five minutes…’ - in my experience he’ll fall asleep in those five minutes. If not, pop back in, quick kiss, then back out for another five minute chore. He’ll learn that it’s ok to fall asleep in his room alone, that you’re always nearby and responsive to his emotional needs, that you have jobs that you need to do but that you’ll always come back when you say you will. He’ll feel secure and relaxed, and will be able to fall sleep independently, which is a good skill to have.

Get the Ferber sleep training book. I used it when DD was the same age as your son.
It took two nights and then I was able to leave her to fall asleep by herself. I still read her a couple of stories and then left her to settle by herself.

I think you should setna limit. decide on a time say 30 minutes or 45 even for stories and chat and then thats it. Goodnight and leave the room. I don't agree with sitting till they fall asleep.

There is a massive gap to fill between just shoving him in his room and letting him get on with it, and pandering to him for ages and ages.
Bedtime should be relaxing. Wind down time, teeth, pyjamas, story, kiss and cuddle and lights out.

He is 2 years old. You stay until he falls asleep. Because he is a very very very young child. Anything else is unthinkable. He is a baby. Stay with your child.

Unthinkable don't be ridiculous!

That's a long time to get him settled. Whilst I don't think it's helpful DP being stroppy I think it would be too much for me tbh. If you are happy to do it then I can't see the problem.

I think however he's possibly not actually that tired. My DS dropped his nap at that age. It was a nightmare as if childminder let him doze off he would be up til 10pm being really lively. With no nap he would however go to sleep around 7.30 & sleep for 11 hours.

And why would you want to spend your evening with such an unattractive man who has no compassion for his own child? Bedtime with your baby sounds like the better option, sorry.

I’m sorry but that is plain abusive and I’d be very cautious of this person around my child (even if it’s their child too)

With my two we would always have about 5 books and sit with them until they fall asleep, sometimes quick (15-30 mins) sometimes it would take longer. There’s loads of evidence about cry it out not being great in the long run. They’re not little forever so why not spend this lovely snuggly time with them??

What a ridiculous comment. ‘Can’t be arsed with parenting’ because you don’t want to sit in the dark for an hour and a half every night for your child to fall asleep?
Imo it’s beneficial for a toddler to learn to be comfortable and settled in their own bed. A child that needs a parent in the room for over an hour is way more likely to not be able to settle themselves during the night too.
Toddlers needs sleep.

I was excited to be pregnant and I parent just fine when the sun goes down and I’m happy about the fact that my toddler can settle for bed without a ridiculous 1.5hr long patting session.
That’s just not sustainable in the real world where people have other responsibilities.

I would not sit there for an hour and a half I'd read a couple of books, and keep popping in and out, say have a bath a pop back in ect if on the same floor or say I will be back in a minute I've got to do something.
I'd leave the hallway light on, just keep popping in until eventually he wouldn't need it, but I'd make it clear he must stay in bed until I came back. X

i think you need to teach your child to be able to settle himself to sleep.By sitting with him you are reenforcing his belief/fear that there is something to fear from being alone in bed.if he starts waking in the night, will you be happy to sit with him for 90 minutes in the wee small hours

Agreed. DS has never gone to sleep on his own. Putting him in his cot but staying in the didn't work as he would be hysterical and would still going after 3 or 4 hours with no let up.

He's 9 now and ASD is suspected. He has sensory issues, needs a weighted blanket for us to have a chance of him sleeping through.

My son is 3.5 and I read 4 or 5 books a night and he lays down and sleeps as I read his last book.

Your husband sounds horrible.

Why wouldn't you want to help your child get to sleep rather than leave them alone and upset?
I fucking hate men like this. NURTURE your children.

Learning to go to sleep is a lifelong skill and I personally think now is a crucial window where you can teach them how to go to sleep on their own. We left it a bit late with DD and it's much harder the older they get!

Up until about 6 months ago it was taking me 1-1.5 hours to do bedtime but since he turned 3 and his daytime nap has dropped he goes up to bed at 7.30 and is asleep be 7.45

As you say, it's not forever and it does get easier.

How can you know it was "late" of she was your first? You've got nothing to measure it against and there's nothing to measure it to.

One thing I've learned after having 2 kids is that just because some people say x,y,z worked for them it absolutely does not mean it works for your own. It just makes you think you're doing it wrong but in actual fact, the child is just different.

i think you need to teach your child to be able to settle himself to sleep.By sitting with him you are reenforcing his belief/fear that there is something to fear from being alone in bed.

What rubbish. It's a 2 year old baby. Read a book about child brain development.

Leaving a child to cry themselves to sleep is cruel - in the day if you locked a child in a room for 12 hours and let them scream and cry it for hours it wouldn’t be acceptable - why is it ok at night? I would be reconsidering being with someone who thinks that’s ok. It’s neglect!

Each to there own but not for us 5 /10 minutes tops
thing is he’s used to it now
personally I think that length of time is ridiculous
Tbh if I was your dp I’d just leave you to it if u want to make a rod for your own back it’s upto u . But I wouldn’t do it