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Original poster

Should I bring up the texts I saw to dh?

323 replies

rainyspring · 16/02/2023 17:04

Dh gave me his phone to watch some videos and I saw a message pop up from his work colleague saying

"Yeah I know, she's too beautiful" so I just clicked on it and basically my husband started the convo to his colleague (male) about another colleague, saying "oh you can't miss her mate, she's stunning, absolutely beautiful"

To which the colleague goes "yeah quite taller than you though you will need ladders"

To my husband goes "that was what crossed my mind, imagine doggy style I would need a rope ha ha ha, every time she looks at me I get a hard on"

And then colleague replied with the above.

I want to mention it, but it will cause an argument and don't want to do that in front of my small children but is this normal lad convo I shouldn't have read?
I just feel kinda disgusted.

Would you mention it?

OP posts:
VioletaDelValle · 16/02/2023 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Deleted by MNHQ

monsteramunch · 16/02/2023 19:47

@Thundercat22

Are you a bloke? Or even more bizarrely, are you a woman claiming to know how literally every bloke apparently behaves?

Silvershirtbutton · 16/02/2023 19:48

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 19:43

Well I would assume being emasculated on a daily basis doesn’t leave you with much of a sex drive.

Show quote history

So men are simultaneously wanna be whores who have such high sex drives they have to talk about women they know like pieces of meat with other men and so emasculated and never ever want sex with a woman who finds them attractive, wants to have sex with them and is actually in a relationship with him?

And people say women are complicated!

VioletaDelValle · 16/02/2023 19:48

That’s what I’m saying. I’m “one of the boys” at work. I have male colleagues I’ve worked with for years, know their happy wives and well cared for children. They are genuinely good men, but I have heard similar comments from them. I can’t write them off as disgusting dogs for it, because they’re lovely. I’ve accepted men speak like that to each other, it’s just usually hidden from women.

They're not good men.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 19:52

Mardyface · 16/02/2023 19:44

The argument where you switch men and women round doesn't work. Because for years and years women have been suppressed in the workplace and not been safe alone on the streets or able to just get on with their lives because of this shit and what it leads to. That doesn't happen to men. Men are not objectified and judged by their sexual availability or lack thereof every single fucking day.

Why doesn’t it ? If you are looking at it purely from the angle of sexual banter I have heard younger women than myself make comments about male work colleagues that are in the same vein as the OP’s DH and a lot worse - and it definitely objectifies them. How is it different ? How is it OK for women to express thoughts like these and for it to be just a bit of banter, but if men do it, it’s an indication that there’s something more sinister at play ?

buttercupboots · 16/02/2023 19:52

Thundercat22 · 16/02/2023 19:37

It doesn't make it okay. But they do it. Your husband does it. You just don't know about it

I have a male friend like this - really good friend but he has seriously skewed views of women with clear misogynistic tendencies. I frequently call him out and he frequently tells me that "all guys say/think this". Over the years I've come to the conclusion that guys like that, seek out friends like that, so it's not a surprise that it's not unusual to them. Either that, or it makes them feel better about being a piece of shit to make out like they're all in it together.

Wiluli · 16/02/2023 19:52

Silvershirtbutton · 16/02/2023 19:39

Definitely bs if you go by the relationships forum on here, to a lesser extent Aibu and chat, Facebook groups and Reddit where there are many women discussing the fact they’re in a sexless relationship by their male partners choice!

Show quote history

Not that we are always discussing sex but the 5 or 6 close friends I have Al between 36 and 47 complain they would like more sex . Personally at 41 I would be happy with more sex than I’m currently having , I would be fine with it 4 times a week while hubby is probably fine with 2 times sometimes 3 . This idea women want to go without sex is totally alien to be and it’s the exception and not the rule .

Sirikit · 16/02/2023 19:52

VioletaDelValle · 16/02/2023 19:48

That’s what I’m saying. I’m “one of the boys” at work. I have male colleagues I’ve worked with for years, know their happy wives and well cared for children. They are genuinely good men, but I have heard similar comments from them. I can’t write them off as disgusting dogs for it, because they’re lovely. I’ve accepted men speak like that to each other, it’s just usually hidden from women.

They're not good men.

Wayne Couzens seems to have had a happy wife and well cared for children.

CatnaryReturns · 16/02/2023 19:53

Thundercat22 · 16/02/2023 19:45

Your favourite word is your missing the point. How many times have you typed that in this one post?

  1. It's 4 words
  2. You didn't even manage to copy them correctly!
Thundercat22 · 16/02/2023 19:53

Yeah they do 🤣 it's so sad its quite sweet really. This is how they get their kicks. If any women spent any time on a builders work site they would run out permanently damaged by what they would hear. Its just blokes. They aren't all rapists they just talk that way. They don't mean anything by it.

VioletaDelValle · 16/02/2023 19:53

It's not okay for women to do it either!

Where do some of you people work?? This type of talk would be a sackable offence in my job.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 19:54

Silvershirtbutton · 16/02/2023 19:48

So men are simultaneously wanna be whores who have such high sex drives they have to talk about women they know like pieces of meat with other men and so emasculated and never ever want sex with a woman who finds them attractive, wants to have sex with them and is actually in a relationship with him?

And people say women are complicated!

Show quote history

You got all that from my one sentence ? Wow, I’m impressed. Never even implied what you took from it, but what the hell - seems we’re just making things up as we go along here, so why not.

Fairislefandango · 16/02/2023 19:55

Even if it’s normal and every man did it, it doesn’t mean you have to hitch your wagon to any of them.

Well quite. I think we're going to see increasing numbers of women choosing to stay single as more of them realise what a lot of men are like, and realise they don't have to put up with this crap.

I've seen so many posts by women on here saying either that divorce was the best decision they ever made and they aren't looking for another relationship, or that they are with a lovely long-term partner/husband but would definitely stay single if their relationship ever ended. I'm certainly in the latter category.

Mardyface · 16/02/2023 19:55

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 19:52

Why doesn’t it ? If you are looking at it purely from the angle of sexual banter I have heard younger women than myself make comments about male work colleagues that are in the same vein as the OP’s DH and a lot worse - and it definitely objectifies them. How is it different ? How is it OK for women to express thoughts like these and for it to be just a bit of banter, but if men do it, it’s an indication that there’s something more sinister at play ?

Show quote history

The second part of my post explains why. Men are not objectified in every day life. They are not in anywhere near as much sexual danger every day just by existing. I personally never indulge in such twattishness anyway and certainly not at work because women can't get away with it and be professionally successful so I actually don't recognise what you're talking about. But even if I did I would think the same. You can't just switch the roles.

Wiluli · 16/02/2023 19:55

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 19:41

So even thinking it is cheating now ? OK, so same goes for women presumably ?

Show quote history

Yes ! Sorry but getting sexually aroused by someone you are with daily it’s not ok . It’s not like he was talking about an actress in a movie or someone he actually doesn’t connect with .
so yes if I said oh wow looking at “ Tom “ at work makes me wet . And I actually flat with Tom is I seen 100% unnacptable

VioletaDelValle · 16/02/2023 19:57

Thundercat22 · 16/02/2023 19:53

Yeah they do 🤣 it's so sad its quite sweet really. This is how they get their kicks. If any women spent any time on a builders work site they would run out permanently damaged by what they would hear. Its just blokes. They aren't all rapists they just talk that way. They don't mean anything by it.

What makes you the authority on how all men think and behave?

Why do you condone misogyny?

CatnaryReturns · 16/02/2023 19:57

And where is the evidence he’s either a half-wit or sex obsessed ?

Half -wit: He'd have to be very low IQ to not realise that putting disgusting sexual comments about a coworker into writing was a very risky thing to do, which could threaten his job.

Sex-obsessed: He said he gets a hard on every time he looks at this woman.

endoftheworldniteclub · 16/02/2023 19:59

Thundercat22 · 16/02/2023 19:53

Yeah they do 🤣 it's so sad its quite sweet really. This is how they get their kicks. If any women spent any time on a builders work site they would run out permanently damaged by what they would hear. Its just blokes. They aren't all rapists they just talk that way. They don't mean anything by it.

I knew your source would be a (uk probably) builders work site. 😂😂

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 19:59

VioletaDelValle · 16/02/2023 19:53

It's not okay for women to do it either!

Where do some of you people work?? This type of talk would be a sackable offence in my job.

That’s my point. Not all men think like this, but some do. Not all women think like this but some do. I’ve overheard talk in the ladies loo, in the break room and witnessed similar texting. If it’s not OK for men to do it, then it’s not OK for women either, and it’s not OK to bury your head in the sand and pretend it doesn’t happen. Or to advise someone to divorce their partner because of a one-off text message without even talking it out.

BeverForget · 16/02/2023 20:00

@CatnaryReturns
I have worked with men in the hospitality trade, the medical trade, and the legal trade.
All men do it.
They may not mean it in a malicious way all of the time, but they all do it, they can't help themselves.
The 'fun-sized Mars bar' takes over and they get all 'I would bend her over...etc'.
All men in the company of other men revert to the grunting adolescent.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 20:02

CatnaryReturns · 16/02/2023 19:57

And where is the evidence he’s either a half-wit or sex obsessed ?

Half -wit: He'd have to be very low IQ to not realise that putting disgusting sexual comments about a coworker into writing was a very risky thing to do, which could threaten his job.

Sex-obsessed: He said he gets a hard on every time he looks at this woman.

Depends on whether the text was private or not - unless the recipient reported it, there are no consequences are there ? And it was a two way conversation, so not much chance of that without both of them being sacked. And as for being sex obsessed - it depends on whether you believe he’s actually capable of getting a hard on every time he looks at this woman doesn’t it ? I would tend to think not.

TheAllButterBiscuit · 16/02/2023 20:04

No matter what he says, not all men talk like this- attraction to people other than your partner is natural, but this level of chat is way, way beyond your average ‘banter’. Don’t allow him to tell you ‘all men talk like this, all men act like this’. They don’t.

Furthermore I would be uncomfortable with the level of secret-keeping outside of the marriage your husband and and his colleague are having… what would happen if you went to a work event, and you’re chatting to this other guy, and all the time he knows your husband wants to f* other women? Specific other women, that they both know?! It’s just creepy to me… a wedge between you and your husband, that your husband is actively cultivating.

Remember though that at the end of the day it’s not about what anyone else thinks, including your husband. It should be your decision whether you can live with someone who thinks this behaviour is ok.

CatnaryReturns · 16/02/2023 20:06

BeverForget · 16/02/2023 20:00

@CatnaryReturns
I have worked with men in the hospitality trade, the medical trade, and the legal trade.
All men do it.
They may not mean it in a malicious way all of the time, but they all do it, they can't help themselves.
The 'fun-sized Mars bar' takes over and they get all 'I would bend her over...etc'.
All men in the company of other men revert to the grunting adolescent.

Nope, you have witnessed a sample of men and decided to extrapolate wildly.

I work in what you bizarrely call "the legal trade". I am very confident that the majority of my male colleagues would never ever have the text exchange that OP witnessed. I'm also very confident that my husband would not. You'll just have to trust me on that one.

Next you'll be telling me that the Royal family are all lizards but of course we are blissfully unaware because they never shed their skin in public.

Chocolatecookie321 · 16/02/2023 20:06

BeverForget · 16/02/2023 20:00

@CatnaryReturns
I have worked with men in the hospitality trade, the medical trade, and the legal trade.
All men do it.
They may not mean it in a malicious way all of the time, but they all do it, they can't help themselves.
The 'fun-sized Mars bar' takes over and they get all 'I would bend her over...etc'.
All men in the company of other men revert to the grunting adolescent.

If ALL men do this, I'm glad I'm a lesbian. I recommend it ladies 😂

Thepossibility · 16/02/2023 20:06

EW he's slimy. Yes I would tell him I saw his disgusting messages. Gross man.
Those sound like messages my DH friends used to send when they were 18. My DH wouldn't even engage with it because he was with me at the time. Those Romeo's all cheat on their wives these days just FYI and they all cover for each other.
He talks about other women to you?! What a prince.