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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I bring up the texts I saw to dh?

323 replies

rainyspring · 16/02/2023 17:04

Dh gave me his phone to watch some videos and I saw a message pop up from his work colleague saying

"Yeah I know, she's too beautiful" so I just clicked on it and basically my husband started the convo to his colleague (male) about another colleague, saying "oh you can't miss her mate, she's stunning, absolutely beautiful"

To which the colleague goes "yeah quite taller than you though you will need ladders"

To my husband goes "that was what crossed my mind, imagine doggy style I would need a rope ha ha ha, every time she looks at me I get a hard on"

And then colleague replied with the above.

I want to mention it, but it will cause an argument and don't want to do that in front of my small children but is this normal lad convo I shouldn't have read?
I just feel kinda disgusted.

Would you mention it?

OP posts:
DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 20:51

Allybob88 · 16/02/2023 20:45

Yeah I'd mention it, as I was ramming the phone up his ass at the same time and throwing his stuff out. Vile pig.

You seem nice.

Helencamper · 16/02/2023 20:52

Does he work for the big orange restaurant booking platform by any chance? They’re all covering for each other and doing things behind their wives backs. Sadly this is the norm in sales

Puppers · 16/02/2023 20:52

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 20:30

Can any woman on this thread (or anywhere else for that matter) be 100% sure that a male colleague hasn’t had an erection in her presence ? Are we forgetting that to some extent it’s a biological response beyond the control of the man in question ? Or does that not matter any more ?

Show quote history

It doesn't sound like he's doing much to address what is quite an extreme and abnormal attraction to a colleague, if we're taking him at his word about "getting an erection every time she talks to me". On the contrary, he seems to be revelling in it and fueling it further by sharing explicit fantasies with other men she has to work with.

But please do keep defending the poor innocent lamb.

RealBecca · 16/02/2023 20:53

If you're going to stay with him what are you hoping to get out of a conversation about it?

If you're going to leave I wouldnt give him the satisfaction of letting him know you know. Let him feel insecure and like the rug has been pulled from under him.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 20:54

ShandaLear · 16/02/2023 20:24

When I am in charge of the world everyone is going to be made to do a basic course in philosophy and statistics.

Can I be Prime Minister, or have I misinterpreted.

Cloudyydaze · 16/02/2023 21:05

@rainyspring
OP it makes me sad to read this, because I've seen what these men can be like at work. I met a male colleague at work last year, he was friendly for a few months before he started flirting with me. He spent the next 5 months trying to pursue me seemingly romantically.

And it came out he had a fiance/wife. It also came out that he'd been making comments behind my back, similar to that of your husband. And also- what he'd been doing to me, he'd been doing to half the office. Before he could be reprimanded he left (3 months ago).

Please keep your eyes on anything suspicious- these men think they can treat women like pieces of meat whilst treating their partners like rubbish. And you don't deserve that.

MNHQ
ImaniMumsnet · 16/02/2023 21:11

Hi everyone, can we get some peace and love on this thread and keep it civil or we'll have to take it down.

bingobanjo · 16/02/2023 21:11

LexMitior · 16/02/2023 19:46

@bingobanjo - where do you work!!!

IT role, big company, typical office. I’m not a “sad twat” who can’t understand what is being said to me and think it makes me special to be included in misogyny as one poster suggested, I’m someone with a realistic view of what men are like. I think it’s disgusting to suggest a man who makes a crude remark about a woman is automatically a rapist and murderer too, as another poster implied.

All I’m saying is men do say these kind of things to their friends in my experience (even female colleagues in the right circumstances, ie one that’s been in a male team for so long they perhaps forget is not actually a man after a few drinks) and OP’s husband is far from the only one. If I thought every man who said something like that was a sick predator I’d have to bin off every man I know and I’m not living like that. I accept that in isolation, it’s a distasteful male behaviour and that’s the extent of it.

They’re not saying it to the woman. They’re not trying to do anything to her. I concern myself with a lot worse misogyny than finding women attractive and being crass about it.

MsDogLady · 16/02/2023 21:13

Rainy, I would absolutely confront him. I’d be livid that he’s made you an object of pity and gossip via his sleazy player behavior and disgusting horn-dog chat with his colleague.

It didn’t take him long to find another pig to share his arousal with and diminish both this woman … and you. Nobody at work believes this slimy guy is happily married. He sounds obsessed with this woman, and I would assume he is fantasizing about her while at home with you.

I’m not surprised that he drools over other women in front of you, despite your asking him not to. He’s a misogynist who clearly has zero respect for you, your marriage/family, and women in general. I hope you see that he is a horrible role model for your children.

If he were my H, it would be game over.

VioletaDelValle · 16/02/2023 21:17

They’re not saying it to the woman. They’re not trying to do anything to her. I concern myself with a lot worse misogyny than finding women attractive and being crass about it.

Don't you think if we challenged or made the smaller acts of misogyny unacceptable then we'd start to make a difference?

Nobody is saying you can't or won't find people attractive but that doesn't mean it's acceptable to text the things the OP's husband has.

tolerable · 16/02/2023 21:25

yuk...
is he lesser evolved in ALL ways? whilst a toomfy part of me is (still)inclined to "private"convos..are exactly that(wasnt intended for you to see...hes utterly f__kt that by suggestin you be-his mate??participate?\indulge\in his "man-speak"...
if..you said to him...theres a new wee lollipop man at crossing ,he always says hi.ive noticed hes got a lassoo on his arm and a pinger everyday when your mum meets me to pick up the kids. isnt that sweet.....would it be harmless banter?

or........... all the "parents" at soft play think i'm a total lush,i dont know why at all...i mean its febuary-everybodys nipples react to the cold if only wear a vest...crazydaze... zat all good.too.???/
IF youre inclined to "chances" i think need be (threat share to employer\hr) ...some sorta education achievement on not being..even a hint of THAT kinda person.
leopards n spots tho. thats all

MeridianB · 16/02/2023 21:30

Helencamper · 16/02/2023 20:52

Does he work for the big orange restaurant booking platform by any chance? They’re all covering for each other and doing things behind their wives backs. Sadly this is the norm in sales

Sadly, it’s as likely to be a big organisation with cars that have blue flashing lights and sirens.

Tandora · 16/02/2023 21:31

OP your husband is disgusting.

ConcordeOoter · 16/02/2023 21:34

Saying someone is good looking, OK

Saying you get a bonk on if they so much as look at you, it's really a shock humour way of saying she's good looking again, likely not serious if he is prone to expressing things in a hair-raising jokey banter style. That physiological reaction in men is not generally voluntary so it is not a declaration of intent in itself... that's the next bit.

Discussing how he'd shag her in graphic terms is to me disrespectful, and I'd be very upset about that bit, I believe you don't disrespect your spouse behind their backs in front of 3rd parties

I think he likely doesn't mean it that way and is not serious given it is clearly intended to be banter, but yeah nooooooooope.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 21:41

Ridiculously aggressive thread and in all honesty I think the best thing would be for MN to carry out their threat and take it down.

Mardyface · 16/02/2023 21:44

I think since the sex topic was moved into active conversations there are a lot of men who frequent it posting on other subjects. And their opinions about women and sex are very clearly displayed. And now we're being told to "be nice" about it by Mumsnet.

ConcordeOoter · 16/02/2023 21:47

Puppers · 16/02/2023 20:52

It doesn't sound like he's doing much to address what is quite an extreme and abnormal attraction to a colleague, if we're taking him at his word about "getting an erection every time she talks to me". On the contrary, he seems to be revelling in it and fueling it further by sharing explicit fantasies with other men she has to work with.

But please do keep defending the poor innocent lamb.

Show quote history

You know what you do to address that issue, right? Plan A we won't talk about and plan B being punch himself in the nuts.

I'm not sure either is going to make the workplace more comfortable and inclusive 😂

LexMitior · 16/02/2023 21:51

Well... it's a stupid person who makes comments like that about a colleague particularly in a text.

It's also equally stupid to say it in the office. Look at the difference of opinion in the thread. That tells you making comments like this at work is an absolute liability.

The husband is bloody stupid if nothing else. I wonder if he's stupid enough to assume his messages don't get shared with others. Of course they are.

iamenough2023 · 16/02/2023 22:00

Wow, it shocks me to see how different people's opinions can be. I cannot even imagine my husband, partner or colleague thinking these thoughts let alone writing them and sharing with a colleague, especially at this day and age.

I am surprised OP that you are wondering whether to say anything to him. As if admitting that you saw the messages accidentally is somehow worse then him thinking, writing and sharing it. I hope you do the right thing.

Crikeyalmighty · 16/02/2023 22:02

@Wiluli Give it 8 years and I think you will see a difference- my libido dropped off a cliff at 52

momtoboys · 16/02/2023 22:09

I would lose my sh*t.

louise5754 · 16/02/2023 22:33

I'd forward them to his work from an anonymous email address.

biscuiteer · 16/02/2023 22:52

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/02/2023 17:46

Tbh I'd be tempted to send his HR screenshots. How fucking dare to male colleagues speak about a woman they work with like that. It's disgusting.

This.

LexMitior · 16/02/2023 22:54

Of course these texts are sent around for the lolz and bants given the workplace so yea, it's a problem.

DragonsFurry · 16/02/2023 22:57

Ewww, what a disgusting man. That would put me right off 🤢