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Original poster

Should I bring up the texts I saw to dh?

323 replies

rainyspring · 16/02/2023 17:04

Dh gave me his phone to watch some videos and I saw a message pop up from his work colleague saying

"Yeah I know, she's too beautiful" so I just clicked on it and basically my husband started the convo to his colleague (male) about another colleague, saying "oh you can't miss her mate, she's stunning, absolutely beautiful"

To which the colleague goes "yeah quite taller than you though you will need ladders"

To my husband goes "that was what crossed my mind, imagine doggy style I would need a rope ha ha ha, every time she looks at me I get a hard on"

And then colleague replied with the above.

I want to mention it, but it will cause an argument and don't want to do that in front of my small children but is this normal lad convo I shouldn't have read?
I just feel kinda disgusted.

Would you mention it?

OP posts:
DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 20:07

Sirikit · 16/02/2023 19:52

Wayne Couzens seems to have had a happy wife and well cared for children.

Show quote history

So all men are rapists ?

CatnaryReturns · 16/02/2023 20:10

Depends on whether the text was private or not - unless the recipient reported it, there are no consequences are there ? And it was a two way conversation, so not much chance of that without both of them being sacked. And as for being sex obsessed - it depends on whether you believe he’s actually capable of getting a hard on every time he looks at this woman doesn’t it ? I would tend to think not.

You really are remarkably obtuse @DotAndCarryOne2. We are on this thread because a third party saw those messages. It doesn't take much imagination to think of other scenarios in which messages can fall into the wrong hands. Committing anything like that to writing is inherently risky. Think about Rebekah Vardy, and the lesson she learned about texts as evidence.

And the sex obsession is the having sexual thoughts every time he looks at the woman, not a literal hard on.

LosingMyPancakes · 16/02/2023 20:11

I'm quite amused that there are sad twats who think they are "one of the boys" because the blokes around them have so little respect they make sexist insults and misogynistic comments to their face. Bet they laugh along too, thinking they're in on the joke... Embarrassing.

brianixon · 16/02/2023 20:13

The detail in these texts is over the line.
Not acceptable in an adult. Teens do this, they know no better.
Maturity should start at 19 and when married.

endoftheworldniteclub · 16/02/2023 20:14

brianixon · 16/02/2023 20:13

The detail in these texts is over the line.
Not acceptable in an adult. Teens do this, they know no better.
Maturity should start at 19 and when married.

Maturity starts when you are born. Raise your kids.

CatNamedBob · 16/02/2023 20:18

Eww. I would lose all respect for my DH if he sent messages like that, and I would be horrified if I thought any of my male coworkers were taking about me like that (and feel really sorry for their wives)

BeverForget · 16/02/2023 20:20

@CatnaryReturns
Everyone knows that the Royal family was bred in captivity to sell tea-towels, mugs, and ropey Netflix series...

NotTooOldPaul · 16/02/2023 20:20

brianixon · 16/02/2023 20:13

The detail in these texts is over the line.
Not acceptable in an adult. Teens do this, they know no better.
Maturity should start at 19 and when married.

I totally agree. It was well over the line.
I'm a man and I have never sent texts or talked about anyone like that. In my opinion it is disgusting and wrong and shows a total lack of respect for the lady who was being discussed.
It shows a total lack of respect for women.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 20:20

CatnaryReturns · 16/02/2023 20:10

Depends on whether the text was private or not - unless the recipient reported it, there are no consequences are there ? And it was a two way conversation, so not much chance of that without both of them being sacked. And as for being sex obsessed - it depends on whether you believe he’s actually capable of getting a hard on every time he looks at this woman doesn’t it ? I would tend to think not.

You really are remarkably obtuse @DotAndCarryOne2. We are on this thread because a third party saw those messages. It doesn't take much imagination to think of other scenarios in which messages can fall into the wrong hands. Committing anything like that to writing is inherently risky. Think about Rebekah Vardy, and the lesson she learned about texts as evidence.

And the sex obsession is the having sexual thoughts every time he looks at the woman, not a literal hard on.

Not being obtuse at all. Committing those thoughts to writing isn’t the point is it ? I thought the point was that men are not allowed to have them at all. And if you were to ask them to tell you honestly, most will tell you that they mentally undress attractive women. A lot is genetically implanted and to do with perpetuation of the species, and diminishes with age. Doesn’t mean they’re obsessed.

CatnaryReturns · 16/02/2023 20:20

CatnaryReturns · 16/02/2023 20:10

Depends on whether the text was private or not - unless the recipient reported it, there are no consequences are there ? And it was a two way conversation, so not much chance of that without both of them being sacked. And as for being sex obsessed - it depends on whether you believe he’s actually capable of getting a hard on every time he looks at this woman doesn’t it ? I would tend to think not.

You really are remarkably obtuse @DotAndCarryOne2. We are on this thread because a third party saw those messages. It doesn't take much imagination to think of other scenarios in which messages can fall into the wrong hands. Committing anything like that to writing is inherently risky. Think about Rebekah Vardy, and the lesson she learned about texts as evidence.

And the sex obsession is the having sexual thoughts every time he looks at the woman, not a literal hard on.

The first paragraph of the message below was a quote from a post by @DotAndCarryOne2. (The app will not allow you to quote a message that already has a quote in it, and I forgot to bold the bit I cut and pasted)

CatnaryReturns · 16/02/2023 20:23

Committing those thoughts to writing isn’t the point is it?

Yes, @DotAndCarryOne2, committing these thoughts to writing is EXACTLY the point!

Lostinplaces · 16/02/2023 20:23

He has zero respect for you and zero respect for women. It won’t be long before he’s shagging someone else if he’s isn’t already. He clearly thinks he’s gods gift. Bin him off.

ShandaLear · 16/02/2023 20:24

When I am in charge of the world everyone is going to be made to do a basic course in philosophy and statistics.

MeridianB · 16/02/2023 20:25

The fact that he thought it was OK to text a colleague with these comments tells you a lot. But if he’s only worked in this place for 3 months then his judgment is completely AWOL.

It sounds like him and this male colleague are super comfortable with very graphic conversations in a very short space of time. No wonder your DH has a reputation in the office as a player before he’s even finished his probation period.

He’s a disrespectful asshole. You know he will brush it off and say you’re being too sensitive if you confront him. He will dismiss it as ‘harmless banter’. So decide what you want from life and whether he’s part of it.

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/02/2023 20:26

I'm imagining a screenshot of that convo mysteriously dropping into the head of HR's inbox and him and his pal being outed by the whole company. The woman in question deserves to feel safe from creeps getting erections in her presence.
Consequences of his actions.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 20:27

TheAllButterBiscuit · 16/02/2023 20:04

No matter what he says, not all men talk like this- attraction to people other than your partner is natural, but this level of chat is way, way beyond your average ‘banter’. Don’t allow him to tell you ‘all men talk like this, all men act like this’. They don’t.

Furthermore I would be uncomfortable with the level of secret-keeping outside of the marriage your husband and and his colleague are having… what would happen if you went to a work event, and you’re chatting to this other guy, and all the time he knows your husband wants to f* other women? Specific other women, that they both know?! It’s just creepy to me… a wedge between you and your husband, that your husband is actively cultivating.

Remember though that at the end of the day it’s not about what anyone else thinks, including your husband. It should be your decision whether you can live with someone who thinks this behaviour is ok.

But surely if it was ‘secret keeping’ the OP’s DH wouldn’t have given her his phone for fear of her finding it out ?

Riri24 · 16/02/2023 20:29

This is really grim. It's gone beyond commenting on a woman being attractive/ beautiful (which I wouldn't be thrilled about but could let go.) The comments from your husband would really upset me. I think it shows a real lack of respect for you, for his colleague and for woman more broadly. I would have to call this out.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 16/02/2023 20:30

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/02/2023 20:26

I'm imagining a screenshot of that convo mysteriously dropping into the head of HR's inbox and him and his pal being outed by the whole company. The woman in question deserves to feel safe from creeps getting erections in her presence.
Consequences of his actions.

Can any woman on this thread (or anywhere else for that matter) be 100% sure that a male colleague hasn’t had an erection in her presence ? Are we forgetting that to some extent it’s a biological response beyond the control of the man in question ? Or does that not matter any more ?

hiyaKen · 16/02/2023 20:31

Crikey. He sounds like a pervy sex pest

Holland990 · 16/02/2023 20:34

Why don't you send him a copy of this thread. I'm sure he will run for the hills & never look at another woman again 😂

KM247 · 16/02/2023 20:36

What a shock for you. To find something like that is just so hurtful. Stay strong if you decide to talk to him. Sending you hugs.

Scousefab · 16/02/2023 20:37

Sounds like male Banter to me. I wouldn’t say anything he’s clearly comfortable to pass his phone to you which is a clear sign he’s not upto anything.
I would maybe make up a story about someone getting sacked over inappropriate conversations via messenger not straight away but maybe over some weeks might just be the ammo you need to stop him having these conversations.

wordler · 16/02/2023 20:39

I'd mention it - even just to warn him that if he's talking to other colleagues like that on any work equipment - phones, computers, tablets etc. Or in person and overheard by someone he could get in big trouble.

OldFan · 16/02/2023 20:44

But surely if it was ‘secret keeping’ the OP’s DH wouldn’t have given her his phone for fear of her finding it out ?

I think he just didn't think/expect a notification to pop up at that moment.

Hardly any man would think this conversation would be ok by his wife.

Allybob88 · 16/02/2023 20:45

Yeah I'd mention it, as I was ramming the phone up his ass at the same time and throwing his stuff out. Vile pig.