Page 12 | Should I have been informed?

HereForTeaAndCake · 2023-02-16T01:23:11+00:00

DS10 was invited to a friend's house for the day but it turns out the children spent most of their time wandering the street unsupervised, calling on friends etc. I was not consulted and DS has no phone and has only recently been ready for playdates without me. I only learned of how little time he spent at said friend's house when he was picked up. AIBU to think that I should have been given the choice?

Shootingstarsparkle · 18/02/2023 20:35

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 20:30

Well you claimed eyeroll meant abuse only happens in families.

And I’m sure you do have your reasons but it’s really not normal to be so anxious about leaving your child with their friend. It isn’t some random person, presumably they go to school with them and therefore you have contact with the parent, and have met them before etc.

Its your bed to lie in, but if you do want kids who struggle with independence and are different from their peers in that mummy sticks around for play dates, that’s your prerogative

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Ffs!! Absolutely no anxieties and my children are independent. None of your business and I really don’t care what you think or say - maybe concentrate on raising your own children, at least I know where mine are

Shootingstarsparkle · 18/02/2023 20:39

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 20:30

No? I am me, flip me, two people disagree with you and they must be the same person.
No I am clearly not saying that children are only abused by people they know. I was quite clear about my meaning in my previous post, perhaps you should re-read it.
You do come across as very highly strung in your posts, I can only base my opinion on what you’ve said.
Are your children not still errr children? Didn’t you say that you are still going to their play dates and they want you to be there all the time? That doesn’t strike me as independent or confident. How do you know what they are going to be like as young adults if they are still in primary school??

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Hmmmm 🤨 I’m open to all opinions but come on -a bit too suss with your choice of language and similarities of text and the timings of messages but whatever! You can insult all you like, really don’t care if you think I’m highly strung!

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 20:39

You are the one who brought all this information about how you parent your children in to the discussion, it’s a bit odd now to be saying it’s none of your business and I don’t care what you think 😬

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 20:40

Shootingstarsparkle · 18/02/2023 20:35

Ffs!! Absolutely no anxieties and my children are independent. None of your business and I really don’t care what you think or say - maybe concentrate on raising your own children, at least I know where mine are

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I know where mine are 🤣 when they’re at their friends I know where they are. They’re at their friends’.

With respect, someone who won’t let their child be alone at a friend’s house, even when you’re close to the mum, through a fear of ‘anything can happen’ is the very definition of an anxiety.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 20:41

Shootingstarsparkle · 18/02/2023 20:39

Hmmmm 🤨 I’m open to all opinions but come on -a bit too suss with your choice of language and similarities of text and the timings of messages but whatever! You can insult all you like, really don’t care if you think I’m highly strung!

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Report then! Go on - put your money where your mouth is

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 20:41

And let us know when MNHQ returns to tell you you’re wrong

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 21:02

Shootingstarsparkle · 18/02/2023 20:39

Hmmmm 🤨 I’m open to all opinions but come on -a bit too suss with your choice of language and similarities of text and the timings of messages but whatever! You can insult all you like, really don’t care if you think I’m highly strung!

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Oh my good god 🤯 you are completely barking up the wrong tree with your sock puppet theory but great way to dodge responding to any of my actual points gleaned from your own posts

Shootingstarsparkle · 18/02/2023 21:36

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 20:40

I know where mine are 🤣 when they’re at their friends I know where they are. They’re at their friends’.

With respect, someone who won’t let their child be alone at a friend’s house, even when you’re close to the mum, through a fear of ‘anything can happen’ is the very definition of an anxiety.

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The ‘anything can happen’ was aimed at parents who I do not know not parents I do know and am friends with. Nothing to do with anxiety just good parenting

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 21:38

It’s REALLY not good parenting to hang around your kids age 10 on play dates.

Do you actually think knowing people makes them less likely to abuse your child?

As is widely known children are far more likely to be abused by someone close to them - by quite some margin

Shootingstarsparkle · 18/02/2023 21:44

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 21:38

It’s REALLY not good parenting to hang around your kids age 10 on play dates.

Do you actually think knowing people makes them less likely to abuse your child?

As is widely known children are far more likely to be abused by someone close to them - by quite some margin

And it really is NOT good parenting to not know where your children are and to leave them with people you don’t know and have never met!!!!
No I do not actually think that knowing people makes them less likely to abuse a child - wtf?? This is my whole point - can you not read??? A minute ago you were saying I’m being anxious and overbearing for staying with my ten year old child on a play date and now you are saying that I should never leave my child even with someone I know just incase they are an abuser??! Pointless conversation as you are just wanting to argue

Original poster

HereForTeaAndCake · 18/02/2023 21:45

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 14:45

Can you tell me why the child is lucky when they’re likely the only 10yo they know who has mummy downstairs as they see their mates?

Not to mention, I would not want some random mum sticking around. My DD is almost 10 and I use play date time to crack on with things knowing she will stay in her room giggling and not bother me for hours. I’d be telling any parents who wanted to stay that they’d have to leave, with or without their kid. SO rude to impose yourself on an unwilling host.

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@TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl actually, it's because most of the friends who's houses he went to have additional needs or siblings with additional needs and the parents' preference. I have known the parents for many years. I didn't, never leave him alone, but the norm was for me to be there.

I'm sure you can't fathom the thought, but it is possible to not be overbearing and be around for your kids.

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TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 21:48

Shootingstarsparkle · 18/02/2023 21:44

And it really is NOT good parenting to not know where your children are and to leave them with people you don’t know and have never met!!!!
No I do not actually think that knowing people makes them less likely to abuse a child - wtf?? This is my whole point - can you not read??? A minute ago you were saying I’m being anxious and overbearing for staying with my ten year old child on a play date and now you are saying that I should never leave my child even with someone I know just incase they are an abuser??! Pointless conversation as you are just wanting to argue

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Erm, can YOU read?

Who said about leaving them with someone you don’t know and have never met? Why would you do that? Presumably this is your child’s friend right? Someone they’ve met before? I don’t think anyone suggested dumping your kids with random strangers.

I haven’t told you not to leave your child with anyone. I couldn’t care less where you leave your children.

And yes children are far more likely to be abused by people they know. Why does this make you angry? It’s a pretty well known fact

Mentaldays · 18/02/2023 21:53

You should have been asked if you were ok with this. At age 20 maturity levels and confidence vary significantly. I would not have been happy with this, yes in the house and garden with an adult ‘around’ but not in the street. Where we live the kids go to an open sports field but even then I was only happy if they have a phone and I can see where they are on a live location. UANBU

Mentaldays · 18/02/2023 21:54

Typo I mean at age 10 not 20!

Shootingstarsparkle · 18/02/2023 21:55

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Shootingstarsparkle · 18/02/2023 21:58

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 21:48

Erm, can YOU read?

Who said about leaving them with someone you don’t know and have never met? Why would you do that? Presumably this is your child’s friend right? Someone they’ve met before? I don’t think anyone suggested dumping your kids with random strangers.

I haven’t told you not to leave your child with anyone. I couldn’t care less where you leave your children.

And yes children are far more likely to be abused by people they know. Why does this make you angry? It’s a pretty well known fact

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Er yup I can! You were the one asking ME how I felt about leaving my 10 year old child with a parent I didn’t know

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 22:02

HereForTeaAndCake · 18/02/2023 21:45

@TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl actually, it's because most of the friends who's houses he went to have additional needs or siblings with additional needs and the parents' preference. I have known the parents for many years. I didn't, never leave him alone, but the norm was for me to be there.

I'm sure you can't fathom the thought, but it is possible to not be overbearing and be around for your kids.

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That’s clearly quite a different scenario to those involving neuro typical 10 year olds without additional needs.

Original poster

HereForTeaAndCake · 18/02/2023 22:03

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 15:15

Precisely.

Thinking “showing you care” = always being around them, is at best quit dim and, at worst, very damaging.

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Perhaps your view of parenting and what creates independence is different to mine. Mine is a very well researched view and as I said I followed my child's lead. It may not be a mainstream view but it works for us.

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Breakinthesun · 18/02/2023 22:04

HRTFT but personally I do think 10 is too young to be going about the streets alone.. but I know lots do allow this.
I will never forget an experience myself, and my BF had, when we were 14. We were walking in our local park not far from our home (nice normal area) And whilst we sat on the grass chatting, happened to glance over to a bush( just a few yards away). There stood two guys looking at us and masturbating. We were in total shock and quickly got up and walked off. The scariest part was they began to follow us, so we headed straight into the nearest shop.
Needless to say we avoided that place in future.
We never did dare tell our parents though as we thought they’d never let us out again!

Point is I suppose, if we’d been only 10/11 then we probably wouldn’t have reacted so calmly, and understood the how threatening that situation was.
It really shook us up and I don’t think we even realised how much danger we were potentially in until afterwards.

Original poster

HereForTeaAndCake · 18/02/2023 22:10

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 16:00

You aren’t doing any better just because your kids apparently always want you around. If my kids couldn’t bear to leave my side I’d be wondering where I went wrong. That’s not normal or healthy to be terrified of independence.

Also you’re clearly being obtuse. OP states she didn’t let him have any play dates at all without her there until recently. At 10 years old that weird and overbearing. And in cases where the adult is not a close personal friend of the mum and it’s a doubled-up play date/adult catch up it’s completely OTT to never let your child have a play date alone at age 10.

Would you seriously take your 10yo to a play dates of someone whose parent isn’t a friend of your, and expect to stay?

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Ah, this OP said nothing of the sort!! I haven't said I didn't "let" him - I actually said that "circumstances dictated".

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Quitelikeit · 18/02/2023 22:19

Yanbu

Id be very very unhappy about it

Original poster

HereForTeaAndCake · 18/02/2023 22:25

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 17:30

This is utter nonsense. A child is most at risk of abuse from people they know, overwhelmingly members of their own families. You do sound very overbearing and anxious. Poor kids can’t even play alone at a friend’s house, even when you know the parents. I doubt the children have any choice but to have you ever present in their lives. You need to loosen the apron strings Op. Poor kids brought up to be terrified of the world around them with mummy omnipresent. It’s way ott and it’s worse that say that how the children prefer things to be. If this is true you are failing to support them growing up in to independent and confident young people. If it’s not true you need to step back and address your own anxiety. Don’t let your issues tarnish your children’s childhood.

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I'd love to know your research to back up this level of attack on my parenting despite not knowing all the details.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
Given the ever increasing rates of adult mental health issues and regular drug and alcohol abuse...and so much more - I'm quite happy with doing things differently.

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Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 22:41

HereForTeaAndCake · 18/02/2023 22:25

I'd love to know your research to back up this level of attack on my parenting despite not knowing all the details.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
Given the ever increasing rates of adult mental health issues and regular drug and alcohol abuse...and so much more - I'm quite happy with doing things differently.

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You do know this post was in reply to another poster’s comments, not to you?
I would have thought a good deal of current youth mental health problems are actually linked to the modern trend towards a lack of independence from parents until much later than in previous generations, leading to less resilience amongst other issues for young people. Even today there was a report that universities are reporting a massive increase in first year students who cannot cope without parental intervention because they have had over involved parents. And tbh going by this thread you aren’t doing anything different to what a lot of other parents do at all?? Here’s an interesting article from Forbes magazine detailing the impact of helicopter parenting on children’s mental health www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2022/11/30/a-psychologist-calls-out-the-many-dangers-of-helicopter-parenting/amp/
I’ve also attached a couple of interesting screenshots

Original poster

HereForTeaAndCake · 18/02/2023 22:55

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 22:02

That’s clearly quite a different scenario to those involving neuro typical 10 year olds without additional needs.

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Perhaps, when a person says "due to circumstances" others should acknowledge that there are valid other reasons before a full on attack of my parenting.

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Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 22:57

HereForTeaAndCake · 18/02/2023 22:55

Perhaps, when a person says "due to circumstances" others should acknowledge that there are valid other reasons before a full on attack of my parenting.

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Fgs ‘due to circumstances’ could mean absolutely anything. If your son has additional needs then why didn’t you say that? Odd.