Should I have been informed?

[HereForTeaAndCake]

DS10 was invited to a friend's house for the day but it turns out the children spent most of their time wandering the street unsupervised, calling on friends etc. I was not consulted and DS has no phone and has only recently been ready for playdates without me. I only learned of how little time he spent at said friend's house when he was picked up. AIBU to think that I should have been given the choice?

I don't equate caring for my child with how much I hover around them.

Part of caring for a child as they grow up is helping them to be an independent adult.

Oh that old chestnut - attacking as a form of defence when you know your parenting style is not quite right because you really can’t be arsed. I would much rather be overbearing and anxious but hey ho each to their own

Precisely.

Thinking “showing you care” = always being around them, is at best quit dim and, at worst, very damaging.

I completely agree, it’s called good parenting and being responsible

Building independence is not showing you 'can't be arsed'.

You think always hovering around them is good parenting? That it’s acceptable just in case ‘something happens’?

I think the worst parents are the one who let their anxieties rub off onto their poor kids, but think because they ‘know they’re safe’ they’re doing a good job 🙄

I agree. But I was quoting a previous poster who said she is glad when her child has a play date because it means her child won’t bother her for a few hours = can’t be arsed!

Well you can think what you like as I also have my own opinion of what the worst type of parents are like and it’s certainly not the ones that like to know where there very young children are

So a parent has to tag along to a 10yo play date to ‘know where they are’?

How pathetic and damaging.

How on earth is it pathetic and damaging??! Don’t be so ridiculous! I have clearly hit a nerve

So what age would you be happy with them being out alone?

Not leaving your 10yo’s side when they want to play with their mates? Bring massively overprotected and always on edge around your kid. How is that NOT damaging?

No nerves hit - I’m very secure in my parenting, I’m not a bag of nerves terrified my kids is gonna get hurt/abducted/upset and wanting to hang around them like a bad smell.

20 apparently for some here 😂😂

Attending 10 year olds play date when you have been invited to is massively overprotective and damaging? Oh ok you must be right then, would love to chat to you again in ten years time and see how well adjusted your kids are. My kids actually want me around them and I don’t cherish the time that they are away from me without bothering me

You aren’t doing any better just because your kids apparently always want you around. If my kids couldn’t bear to leave my side I’d be wondering where I went wrong. That’s not normal or healthy to be terrified of independence.

Also you’re clearly being obtuse. OP states she didn’t let him have any play dates at all without her there until recently. At 10 years old that weird and overbearing. And in cases where the adult is not a close personal friend of the mum and it’s a doubled-up play date/adult catch up it’s completely OTT to never let your child have a play date alone at age 10.

Would you seriously take your 10yo to a play dates of someone whose parent isn’t a friend of your, and expect to stay?

Its all about what you are comfortable with. My 11yo will start secondary in September I dont allow him to wander the streets phone or no phone.

Where did I say my kids are terrified of independence???!! They want me around because we have a close relationship not because they can’t bear to leave my side. They are perfectly independent thank you.

But you’re not willing to let them have independence? Even though they’d be fine without you around
You haven’t answered if you’d hang around on a 10yo play date if you aren’t friends with the parents?

Of course I am willing to let them have independence!!!! Just because I don’t think they should roam the streets aged ten doesn’t mean I’m not willing to let them have independence! They get their independence in other ways not that I have to justify myself to a complete stranger. And no if I didn’t know the parents of my ten year old child’s friends I would not let them go to their house for a play date - they could be anybody and capable of anything! That is not being overbearing or anxious by the way that is me being slightly cautious in quite a dangerous world - if you are ok with that for your children then fine but for me it’s not something I’m comfortable with

I’m not talking about ‘roaming around on the streets’. I’m talking about you not letting them have a play date alone at age 10 unless you’re there. What do you think is gonna happen? That’s VERY overbearing and anxious. You have to let go a little sometimes! It’s so, so damaging and yes it is VERY overbearing. I am now thinking the reason your kids don’t wanna be away from you is because you’ve taught them either because that’s dangerous or because you’re always around so they don’t know any better.

When they DO have a play date do you always stay on the same room as them? If not, why not, when anything can happen?

And what is a good age to let them see a friend alone? 19?

I remember when I was about 11 I was invited to my friend’s house and a similar thing happened. Friend’s mum was going through a rough patch at the time and drinking heavily (my own mum wasn’t aware of this and if she was, I’d never have been allowed to go), I remember the living room door being closed and my friend telling us we couldn’t go in there as she was in there. We were left to our own devices all day, roaming the streets of what was a very rough area of town. We had to sort our own tea out from the chippy and didn’t get in until gone 10pm, after a neighbour opened their window and shouted at us that we should be home and in bed. Even at the time I remember feeling very uncomfortable and unsafe, and I never told my mum what had gone on, though I know I definitely should have as while this was one night for me, it was every night for my friend. Now all the years have passed I cringe at the thought of four 11 year old girls on the streets at night!! I’d be hopping mad if I knew my child was out all day unsupervised, it wasn’t safe then and the world is such a different place now! So you’re definitely not unreasonable in my opinion.

@vaccinistatotebagchicbarista - I’m sorry this happened to you, sounds horrible xx

I really can’t be arsed having to explain myself to you or justify my reasons - I’m not overbearing or anxious about my children and they are certainly not ‘damaged’ - like I said upthread they are perfectly independent. What do I think is going to happen??? Read the reply from @ vaccinistatotebagchicbarista on this thread - also throw in the fact that anyone is capable of abuse for a start - things happen unfortunately and if my child is going on a play date to somebody else’s house I would want to have met the parents first when my child is just 10 years old! - and yes I know you can’t tell an abuser by meeting them but gut instinct plays a huge part. I can’t believe you are naive enough to ask what could happen!! Does this thought never cross your mind when your children go on play dates to somebody else’s house whose parents you don’t know without you in tow???!!! And no I don’t stay in the same room as my child when I go with her on a play date - don’t be so pedantic!

Sorry but this is nothing like the situation the OP’s son was in at all. You were avoiding your friends house because her drunk mother was there and had put you out of the house. You were aimlessly roaming the streets late at night. This child called to a friends house w the friend he was visiting in daylight and fortunately no alcoholic parents were involved. There is no similarity between the two examples

Exactly!

And in terms of “imagine if something bad happened” - how do you leave the house? Drive in the car? Send them to school?

You have to let go a little sometimes and have faith, that’s life. And let your gut guide you. But if you think your gut is telling that no one is to be trusted ever to the point you are depriving your child of normal and enriching experiences, the issue lies with YOU.

And I’m probably in the minority, but save for the extreme things like assault, death etc - so what if ‘something happens’? If they break their arm, then they break their arm. They get it fixed and they’re fine. If their friend’s mum is drunk and they have to leave the house, it’s awful for the friend but you teach your child about finding a safe adult and to always tell you about these things, then act accordingly. Your child will be fine by having the odd adverse experience. They won’t be fine if you wrap them in cotton wool 24/7 and allow them no freedom.