Should I have been informed?

[HereForTeaAndCake]

DS10 was invited to a friend's house for the day but it turns out the children spent most of their time wandering the street unsupervised, calling on friends etc. I was not consulted and DS has no phone and has only recently been ready for playdates without me. I only learned of how little time he spent at said friend's house when he was picked up. AIBU to think that I should have been given the choice?

This is utter nonsense. A child is most at risk of abuse from people they know, overwhelmingly members of their own families. You do sound very overbearing and anxious. Poor kids can’t even play alone at a friend’s house, even when you know the parents. I doubt the children have any choice but to have you ever present in their lives. You need to loosen the apron strings Op. Poor kids brought up to be terrified of the world around them with mummy omnipresent. It’s way ott and it’s worse that say that how the children prefer things to be. If this is true you are failing to support them growing up in to independent and confident young people. If it’s not true you need to step back and address your own anxiety. Don’t let your issues tarnish your children’s childhood.

the point I was trying to make was about unsupervised children wandering aimlessly but I can see what you mean. I do still personally disagree on some level though. If the children were secondary school level, or even if there were set boundaries eg. “go to X park for 1 hour and then come straight home” then that would be a lot better. I find the aimless wandering a bit concerning but maybe that’s me. I think a lot of these discussions really depend on where you grew up and your previous experiences shaping your outlook.

“Save for the extreme things like like assault, death etc”

I think OP is trying to save for those things…

That’s how I asked how she leaves the house or drives in a car. It’s not healthy to live as if you’re gonna die any minute. The chances are so slim, why would you later your entire behaviour on something with such tiny chances?

They called on other friends. They weren’t aimlessly wandering.

The ‘aimlessly wandering’ thing is a ridiculous ploy to make it sounds like the children had stumbled upon some random crack den rather than having a walk around their actual neighbourhood and perhaps to the co-op. Such drama llamas on this thread!

Yes, it’s an entirely negative approach to life. This child was perfectly safe and had a good time. He is showing he can overcome his fears and anxiety, that OP should be celebrating that, not turning it in to a cause for blame and baseless allegations.

“Wandering around unsupervised, calling on friends etc”

calling on friends seemed to just be part of it, not the aim of the excursion, but okay

Do kids need ‘an aim of an excursion’ when going out to play?! Wha a way to overthink it!

Some people live in rough areas where this outlook is perfectly reasonable, I’d say.

In all fairness to the OP none of us are aware of the extent of the anxiety and the reasons for it and I suspect many of the posters here giving the Op a really hard time are minimizing the mention of anxiety because they don’t know any better.

I think most people would sensibly conclude the wandering element of the excursion was the walk to the friend’s house, no?

Exactly!

i think a lot of folk are assuming OP lives in a nice leafy cul-de-sac in a middle class neighbourhood or something. We’d all feel safe there, who wouldn’t?

I grew up on an estate that most of the time resembled bloody Beirut. There’s no way in hell my kids would be out unsupervised there until they were at least in secondary school. And those types of places do still exist!!

Very few. And do the OP nor the friend her son was playing with aren’t amongst their number as they don’t live in ‘rough areas’

How do we know that?

has OP stated?

genuinely curious

But clearly the son was able to overcome his anxiety and enjoy himself? Or do you OP’s anxiety?

I am assuming that based on my reading that if there was any tangible danger in either vicinity this highly anxious mother would have signposted it

Assuming, exactly.

If OP wants to be kept in the loop about their child’s whereabouts when under the supervision of someone else, that’s their prerogative.

Absolutely this!!!!!!

@Eyerollcentral - are you TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl by any chance?? 🤨🤨🤨
Are you saying that abuse never happens unless it is by someone the child knows??? That is utter shite as it does happen of course, and I would rather not take that chance with my children thank you. My children are certainly not terrified of the world, far from it!! They are very independent and confident young people and nope no failings here - they are amazing! How can you pass judgement when you don’t even know them!! Their childhood is not tarnished and I have no issues so off you pop to impose your unwanted and very much wrong ramblings somewhere else!

If you think me and @Eyerollcentral are the same person then report us for sock puppeting.

Also, she didn’t say no one ever abuses who’s not in the family - stop being obtuse. But she was absolutely right in saying, and I quote:

A child is most at risk of abuse from people they know, overwhelmingly members of their own families

In what way does that mean ‘all children’?

Im sure your children ARE amazing but you really are doing them no favours by being over protective and scared at every turn. Wether we like it or not, our anxieties DO rub off on our kids. And I don’t think it’s normal for kids to always want their mum around, nor is it something to be proud of.

I really can’t be bothered - do what you like under whatever name you like it makes no difference to me.
Er and when did I say ALL children?
I shall be ‘obtuse’ all I want
why am I being overprotective and scared??? It’s my choice if I leave my children with strangers or not at the age of ten and I choose not to for perfectly good reasons -not because of anxiety, not for being scared and not for being overbearing! Just because I wish not to and that has absolutely nothing to do with you!

Well you claimed eyeroll meant abuse only happens in families.

And I’m sure you do have your reasons but it’s really not normal to be so anxious about leaving your child with their friend. It isn’t some random person, presumably they go to school with them and therefore you have contact with the parent, and have met them before etc.

Its your bed to lie in, but if you do want kids who struggle with independence and are different from their peers in that mummy sticks around for play dates, that’s your prerogative

No? I am me, flip me, two people disagree with you and they must be the same person.
No I am clearly not saying that children are only abused by people they know. I was quite clear about my meaning in my previous post, perhaps you should re-read it.
You do come across as very highly strung in your posts, I can only base my opinion on what you’ve said.
Are your children not still errr children? Didn’t you say that you are still going to their play dates and they want you to be there all the time? That doesn’t strike me as independent or confident. How do you know what they are going to be like as young adults if they are still in primary school??

But you also said you aren’t even willing to leave them with mums you do know, that you stay and have a cup of tea too. Most parents wouldn’t do that.