Should I have been informed?

[HereForTeaAndCake]

DS10 was invited to a friend's house for the day but it turns out the children spent most of their time wandering the street unsupervised, calling on friends etc. I was not consulted and DS has no phone and has only recently been ready for playdates without me. I only learned of how little time he spent at said friend's house when he was picked up. AIBU to think that I should have been given the choice?

About 15 minutes walk away...
I just felt that a quick msg from the mum to check if I'm ok with it would have been polite/reasonable.

The thing is that your normal and her normal are waaaaaay apart here. Your son is more sheltered and so your normal is for him not to play out alone, her normal is that her son can knock on his friends houses and play out unsupervised. She didn’t realise your normal was so out of line with her normal, so while I can see you are unhappy about it, raising it won’t get you anywhere - just don’t let him go back. Or prep him in the way you see fit next time.

we live rurally so theres no houses for Ds to roam too here (he’s same age) but some of his friends do as above. I’m aware that if he goes to other peoples houses he will fit in with their normal, and that will be different to how we raise him here.

Surely OP you can see from the responses that some mums agree with you and some mums think you’re overreacting and being precious. Those mums are probably like your DS’ friends’ mum and so on that basis she wasn’t BU because she obviously didn’t think it noteworthy or unusual. Not to say I don’t agree with you though, my DS is 3 but 10 still seems very young to be out and about on your own these days, even when I was that age (20 years ago) I would have only been allowed to “roam” with an older cousin, not a peer.

But you don’t seem to be listening to him, you haven’t answered any one who has asked if your child was happy to be out unsupervised so I have to assume he was. He was frightened of dogs but he isn’t now so not sure what the relevance of that is but it does reinforce the impression you seem to have difficulty recognising he is growing up and is capable. What do you think you need to prep him for? I think if you had any idea he would be unsupervised you wouldn’t have let him go. When will he be 11? I presume he already goes to school, he knows how to interact with others. How much older do you think he needs to be before you allow him to do what his peers are clearly already doing? Definitely by 10 a child is old enough to play unsupervised. The mum in question is happy to allow her own son out in the locality on his own, and she appears to know the area better than you. Unless you think she would put her own son and someone else’s in danger, which seems highly unlikely.

I personally wouldn’t expect the other mum to be messaging me about this. By that age I was doing that walk to school each day on my own and hope that my Son would be showing a similar level of independence at that age.

Could you get him a phone now so he can always discretely contact you if he’s not confident to speak out if he is unhappy whilst playing with his friends?

Was your son happy with the arrangement?

The problem is it would be incredibly hard for one parent to communicate to another what things the children are doing that the other parent might not be allowing yet ar that age. If it’s normal for the friend to walk around when someone is visiting then the mum might not think it’s not normal for you. I could cook quite happily unsupervised at 10 so I doubt my parents would have checked if my friends were happy doing that because it was normal for us. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong that it isn’t normal for someone else.

Can you teach him to ask to use a friends phone if he wants to check with you regarding doing something? Or to speak to a friends parent if he is uncomfortable doing something?

Running around the neighborhood was so normal when I was a kid by age 7-8, let alone 10, it would not have occurred to my parents to tell anyone and I’m 100% sure my friends parents didn’t tell them either. We walked all over the place, we used to go on long walks through a green belt system, might’ve been 30-45 minute walk away if not more. Even friends from very conservative families were allowed to run around and we were in and out of various peoples houses all the time.

You did what the other mother did - assumed. Her son is clearly more independent than yours, and probably has been for quite a while, so that is the norm for her. It probably didn't occur to her that other children at that age aren't allowed out on their own. It's the same reason you didn't tell her to keep them inside. You just assumed she would think the same as you. But now that you know not everyone treats their children like that, you will have to check with them.

He went to a friend's house to play, and they went outside to play in the street. This is completely normal at this age, so I don't see why mum would have thought to inform you. If you didn't want him leaving the house then the onus was on you to tell her this.

My son has just turned 10 and I wouldn't be happy for him to be invited to a friend's house but spend the time roaming the streets. We live in a fairly quiet village, several friends within walking distance, but I'd still be expected to be asked if it was ok for the kids to go visiting.

If I was in your position my take on this would it would be a lesson to always ask the other is why what their plans were (obviously in an appropriate and friendly manner).

I think the responsibility here lies with you, not them.

Same, I have a younger dc yet friends with older kids and none of them are roaming the streets. 10 is so young and still should be supervised.

When all is said and done, the other parent(s) should have asked if you were ok with this. I'm a fairly laidback parent but when having my children's friends over, I never assumed that what was ok with me would be ok with others.

I see your point. I would not be happy at all.

I live in a decent area but it’s close to some that are not very nice (I can vouch as went to school in one of them). Every now and then a group of teens will come up from other areas to the local park, looking for trouble with kids, no matter their age. It’s sad to say but mine are definitely staying inside for now.

All areas and all children are different, what’s right for one isn’t for another. Parents should have checked with you first.

It's impossible to comment usefully without more context.

'Wandering unsupervised' could mean kicked out of the house for six hours, where they climbed a pylon, skirted around the edge of some quicksand, teetered on the edge of a fast moving river and crossed major A roads.

Or it could mean that, after discussion with the mum, she allowed them to walk to the sweet shop and call for a friend on the way to a safe park in a safe residential area in a quiet town or village, where her son knows he can knock on the door of any one of half a dozen family friends if he needs help.

It is unusual to have only been on supervised play dates with you, when he must be Year 5 or 6 though, so I can see why it was shocking for you.

Bit surprised by some of these answers. Yes at 10 I would expect to be asked if this is ok, I would not be happy with another parent making a decision like this about my child at that age, especially if not just up and down one street. I have DC this age. It's definitely not the norm here.

I think 9-12ish is an age where kids are getting independence but at different rates so I always check with the other parents if I am hosting a kid if it is okay for them to go out alone. I agree that the mum should have shown the same consideration to you, even though it might be her normal for her kid to roam around.

e.g. In year 7 my DD had a friend she would hang out in the big local park with until dark. Another friend is only just walking to school by herself in year 9 and is now allowed around the local shops with friends as long as she meets her mum to walk home at the end.

As you say your son has anxiety I imagine it might not have been very fun for him either - anxious about how to speak up that he is not allowed to do this, anxious while he was out that something bad would happen, anxious about your reaction. But I could be wrong. How did he react?

And I wouldn't mention it to the other parent. People don't respond well when their parenting is questioned, and word will get around. I guess he just doesn't go to that friend's house again.

Out of interest, If she'd messaged you, what you have said? Told him to come home? But then he wouldn't have started to build up confidence to become street savvy, as you put it. Or agree for him to be out and about? In which case, no harm done.

I would also caution against your ds's perception being entirely accurate. If unused to such freedom your ds may well have felt he was 'wandering the streets for most of the day' when it was a much shorter time, or streets very close to the boy's home. I teach and it is similar to pupils saying they were 'alone all playtime' or 'the teacher didn't help me all day' when they were alone for two minutes or they had to wait five minutes for help.

If I'd have known they wouldn't be staying close to home, I would have discussed it with him first and set our boundaries, prepped him on what to do in case...

Maybe the other mother would think you’re the irresponsible one for not having already done this with a ten year old, who by the sounds of it was quite happy to ‘roam’ (or as some of us call it, walk) the streets with his pal. But if you can’t cope with not being consulted on parenting differences on individual topics yet just play it safe and don’t let him go to friends’ houses. Sure he won’t mind.

i think this is an issue for our generation of mums That was not there previously. I had something similar recently but I was the mum who let the kids go as my son was competent and allowed to roam a bit further afield and the other kid said he mum wouldn’t mind. His mum went mad at her kid as he should have messaged his mum on his phone. She wasn’t mad at me but I felt terrible. When I was a kid we didn’t have phones so we went around to friends houses and just did what they did. I was always off roaming from about the age of 8 or 9 even down to the local shops which was quite a long way and friends came with if they were with me. We just ran from local friends house to friends house with a time we had to be back. My mum had no idea where I was! My mum never called their mums. I have found the age of 10-13 quite difficult as I have found some mums super protective and won’t let their kids go anywhere and other mums are much more relaxed about it.

It partly depends how young a 10 year old he is. Just turned 10 and he might still be building up to being out and about. Nearly 11 and virtually everyone else will be out and about with friends, and phones, on agreed routes/ destinations. I personally always checked with a parent, however no one ever said no. A few thought I was a little weird for even asking. A few said they thought it would be good for their dc to get a bit of confidence out with a friend. This makes me think that my position on building this independence at the age of turning about 10 was about right for my area.

As pandora is now out of the box, unless your ds is totally traumatised or you are going to drip feed that you live in the knife crime capital of Europe, I would roll with it. Small trips to buy something you forgot at the shop. Off ahead to the park/ coffee shop with a friend.

Since covid there is a growing number of parents waiting outside secondary schools for their dc. It is not looked upon favourably by other children so try to ensure that he is at least confident enough to walk a street or two to a prearranged spot to be picked up by secondary school.

We live in a rural location so at that age my dc were not used to roaming around the streets. Ds was invited to a friends house in a busy area right in town. As l dropped him off the mom said they will be here all afternoon going to play PS and hang about the house. Great! When l collected him ds said as soon as l was gone the dm gave her son money and off the two of them went down town. I was shocked as that wasn't the plan. I think it's just different families have different ways of doing things. That boy was used to heading off and it was completely normal to that Mom. Have to say my ds was not anxious in any way and always ready to take anything on so he enjoyed himself. But l can see where you are coming from. But would say the mom never even considered this was not normal life.