Should I have been informed?

[HereForTeaAndCake]

DS10 was invited to a friend's house for the day but it turns out the children spent most of their time wandering the street unsupervised, calling on friends etc. I was not consulted and DS has no phone and has only recently been ready for playdates without me. I only learned of how little time he spent at said friend's house when he was picked up. AIBU to think that I should have been given the choice?

This seems entirely normal for 10 year olds. Why was your son only ready for play dates without you at 10? Tbh play dates to me would apply only to q young children who can’t organise their own meet ups with pals, not 10 year olds. Was your sob happy with his day? Barring any other factors it sounds like you are babying him.

*son

You say street. Was it one street?
Is it a residential, quiet area or busy town center with lots of fast moving traffic?
I personally would be uncomfortable if a 10 year old in my charge wasn't being closely supervised (by me, in sn unobtrusive kind of way). I'm a worrier though.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, you should have been told. I do think it's fine for a 10 year old to be playing with his friends unsupervised but the parent should have let you know beforehand - it's just more polite, and safer.

Just don't let him go on unsupervised playdates

Lots of reasons - mostly because we were following his lead due to his anxiety.

To suggest he's being babied is a bit harsh, no? Perhaps playdate isn't the right term to use - he was invited over to theirs. Better?
Times he's been over to other friends, they've never wandered unsupervised.

I can see why you might question this and I wouldn't have allowed this with a visiting child at this age as I'd be aware the other parent might not be happy and I'd feel responsible for visiting child. But I can see that another parent ,living in a quiet road where other children they know well live might think this is ok, and give boundaries around this. Hopefully it wasn't a case of roaming free around an entire neighbourhood ,knocking on any old doors they fancy in which case I would be not happy at all.

Through a few different residential areas. My son had no idea where exactly they were and a couple of roads where although not super busy, people can be inconsiderate when driving.

I think it depends a bit on how far afield he was. Playing out in the close area around the house and knocking on the houses of kids who live nearby he was playing at seems ok to me.

Well that's the thing - I had no idea it would be unsupervised when the parent invited him over.

I don’t mean to be harsh but he’ll be going to secondary school within 18 months. I don’t think it’s inappropriate at all although if he isn’t used to having much freedom I can see how it would feel jarring for you. Did your son enjoy himself and seem happy when you picked him up?

i think you're not letting him be as independent as he can, did he actually have a good time, he'll be in secondary soon, do you expect to be told everything every time he goes to a mates house in year 7

YANBU - given the way that the streets aren't necessarily safe these I would want to know if my child was going out unsupervised. I have a child of similar age and wouldn't want them wandering the streets. Call me dramatic but a 15 year old was stabbed to death last week. There's probably lots more stories like that not to mention groomers for county lines etc. it just doesn't sit right with me. I'd happily drop the kids off to an organised activity or restaurant/diner then collect them after but not just let them roam.

I'm ok with the goals we've set for him gaining independence in a way that's comfortable with him and us. What I'm questioning is whether I should have been informed that "come over to ours" didn't mean remaining in the nearby vicinity of the house but allowing my child to wander unsupervised, totally unprepared - not because he's being babied but because we as a family hadn't got to that point yet.

Yes! Exactly this. Thank you!

From what you've added about wandering around generally with busy traffic yanbu.

Yes but at that point - he would be older and more prepared. For example, have a phone in case of emergency. But yes, I'd want to know where he is even in a couple of years time, even if he's only at a friend's house.

@Fedupfatandfrumpy so at what age can they go out unsupervised? My 13 yr old cycles off to meet his friends and hang out with them every weekend. I can imagine the response I’d get if I said I needed fo be with him 😳

Hmmm ‘as a family’ here really means you though. Your son seems to have enjoyed himself and has been on safe residential streets with friends. I’m not sure what preparation the average 10 year old would need for that tbh. I don’t think you needed to be informed that 10 year olds were not being supervised all day. I wouldn’t expect 10 year olds to have to be supervised all day.

So much depends on the locality, type of streets, traffic, etc. At that age, a couple of friends of my son's would have walked from their houses - maybe 10-15 minutes away - to ours. After a while they'd walk to our local park, 2 residential streets plus crossing a more major road at a pelican crossing, about 10 minutes. At some point they - plus maybe a couple of their mates whom they had met at the park - would return to ours and they'd have pizza and watched a video.

No parent ever expressed concern, and other parents would host similar 'playdates'. In your shoes, unless you have serious and valid concerns, I'd let it go and focus on helping your son become more independent. And get to know his friends' parents.

YABU Not an issue assuming it was in a safe neighborhood. Kids that age often ride their bikes or play at our local park. Being outdoors is good for them and they are Ike enough to not need direct supervision.

if it really bothered your son and he told friends parents he didn’t want to be outside and now he is really anxious about it - it’s a great opportunity I build his confidence about how well he did and how he managed it without issue.

Why are you asking for opinions when it’s obvious you only like the ones agreeing with your own views? If you’re convinced you’re right and the other parent was wrong don’t let him go back. Strangers validating your opinion won’t alter what happened - which you clearly consider was wrong.

Wow! Presumptuous. No, when I say as a family I mean we listen to our child.
The mum in question has no idea how street savvy my child is or isn't. Only a year ago he was petrified of dogs (he loves them now) because of irresponsible owners.

If I'd have known they wouldn't be staying close to home, I would have discussed it with him first and set our boundaries, prepped him on what to do in case... Etc.

I'm curious at what age do you think is reasonable for a child to be roaming around with friends totally unsupervised?

I wouldn't be ok with that at all.

Our daughter will be 10 next week and it absolutely is not normal within her friendship group to be unsupervised and wandering the streets.

I'm not questioning whether I should be letting my child roam the streets. I'm quite happy with my stance on whether I feel it is appropriate for my child or not yet. I'm questioning whether a mother who has invited my child over should have let me know that she wouldn't have a clue where my child was for the majority of time he was in her care.