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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have been informed?

340 replies

HereForTeaAndCake · 16/02/2023 01:23

DS10 was invited to a friend's house for the day but it turns out the children spent most of their time wandering the street unsupervised, calling on friends etc. I was not consulted and DS has no phone and has only recently been ready for playdates without me. I only learned of how little time he spent at said friend's house when he was picked up. AIBU to think that I should have been given the choice?

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 16/02/2023 05:36

I have a child who will be 10 next month and there’s no way I’d allow him to be wandering the streets unsupervised, however that is down to the area we live in.
However, if it was a quiet street/ cul-de-sac I would be ok with him playing out on the street with his friends.
He has been to his friend’s houses before and they have always stayed in their house/ garden where they can be seen by the parent. I cannot understand why a parent would invite someone else’s child over and then leave them unsupervised. It seems pointless to me!

Doingmybest12 · 16/02/2023 07:10

I am really surprised by these comments , a 13 year old out with friends is very different to a 10 year old, what happened when I was a child is not relevant to what many parents do now . I think it is reasonable to expect someone with a visiting 10 year old to be pretty cautious and as a parent dropping my child off I'd expect them to be at the house for the visit unless the parent said I am thinking about .......I wouldn't expect to give the 3rd degree on dropping off.

KendrickLamaze · 16/02/2023 08:19

I don't think you're being unreasonable but different parents work in different ways. DD is 11 but last year she started walking home from school and playing out after school. I was surprised by how calm some parents were and the kids were all over the estate. This week DD and her friends walked from this estate to the next which is not too far but some very busy roads. I was quite nervous but I did far more in my day.

She has a mobile phone which I use to track her. I feel a bit intrusive but her safety is more important.

KendrickLamaze · 16/02/2023 08:20

And they've now started organising things themselves with no parental involvement which isn't ideal as they all have terrible time management skills 😂

Hesma · 16/02/2023 08:25

@HereForTeaAndCake to suggest he’s being babies isn’t harsh at all if he’s only started going for play dates aged 10. However, I don’t think YABU about him wandering the streets all day. My DD is 10 and when she goes on play dates they may walk to the local shop to buy a few sweets but the majority of the time they are at home or at the park under supervision.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 16/02/2023 08:40

KendrickLamaze · 16/02/2023 08:20

And they've now started organising things themselves with no parental involvement which isn't ideal as they all have terrible time management skills 😂

I feel your pain although due to the geography parental lifts were required so I would get 'I am meeting Suzy in Far town at 10' Ok, it is 9.45 now and Far town is 45 mins away and I need to be on a work call in ten mins. They do get better.

Saz12 · 16/02/2023 09:02

I live in small safe village and DC we’re allowed out with friends from about 10. Some kids were out from far younger (6 or 7), often alone, but are still not allowed to (eg) play in small patch of community woodland (at age 12), or go sledging in local fields with friends. So personally I’d be messaging parent if I didn’t know them well enough to be sure they’d be happy with plan.

KendrickLamaze · 16/02/2023 09:05

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor I had the exact same thing on Tuesday! Telling me she is meeting them at 12.25 a ten minute walk away at 12.21 when not fully dressed 😂

Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2023 09:09

I just dont understand how this situation arose.

Other parent: so off you go boys, see you later.

Child: ermmm, I'm not allowed out without an adult.

Other parent: either, OK so stay at home OR I'll just give your mum a call and check it's OK.

saraclara · 16/02/2023 09:14

The thing is that your normal and her normal are waaaaaay apart here. Your son is more sheltered and so your normal is for him not to play out alone, her normal is that her son can knock on his friends houses and play out unsupervised. She didn’t realise your normal was so out of line with her normal,

That's what I planned to say. She didn't ask your permission because it didn't occur to her that this was anything that you wouldn't expect.

Babdoc · 16/02/2023 09:17

Gosh, how times change! When I was a child I walked to school alone at 5, crossing two roads to get there, played out in the street with friends from that age, and down the local woods or park from about 8. In an outer London suburb.

My own DDs walked to school alone from
about 6, and played in the fields behind our house from about 7. Admittedly in a quiet Perthshire village. They had to get the bus alone, 15 miles to the nearest secondary school from the age of 11, too.

I understand that mothers are anxious, but you do your DC no favours by wrapping them in cotton wool for too long. They need to learn to make their own decisions, risk assess their surroundings, and learn independence and resilience.

desperadodogface · 16/02/2023 09:18

I'd always ask the parent before allowing this. DD 11 had a friend over a few weeks ago and I asked the mum if it was okay for them to walk the dog alone in the park. If she'd have said no I would have gone with them

Dishwashersaurous · 16/02/2023 09:21

My point is that a ten year old is more than capable of saying what they are allowed to do.

Reminds me of an op years ago who was horrified that her 6/7 year old had been given chocolate on a playdate. Whereas it would never have occurred to host parent that a child of this age wouldn't be allowed chocolate.

I think for future playdates with new people probably best to just say what your position is, so they are clear

TeenLifeMum · 16/02/2023 09:33

I would be really uncomfortable with that. My dc are 11 and they go to the park but I know where they are. I’m amazed how “chilled” some of these responses are. It’s not usual at 10 round here. Maybe more like Year 8 but even then.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 16/02/2023 09:34

You still accompanied him on play dates at age 10!!! Poor child, how suffocating

MaverickGooseGoose · 16/02/2023 09:36

I would not be happy with that at all. Dts are in y7 now and when they have friends over and want to go to the park or the shop, whatever, I always ask the parents if they're comfortable with that and vice versa.

Mine are late august birthday, they're tiny and I always worry about the fact that they are I'd twins and people are weird. They bus to and from school, and go shopping with their friends but there is always one parent from the group in the shopping centre having a coffee just in case.

If I lived in the middle of nowhere I might feel differently.

Womencanlift · 16/02/2023 09:41

YABU but you obviously think you are not

No I wouldn’t expect the mum to be calling, where do you draw the line. Phoning to say they are playing outside, phoning to say they have walked down the street, phoning to say they have walked round the block? As others have said she didn’t contact you due to any malice, she didn’t think she had to especially with 10 year olds

Lesson learned for next time. You have different parenting styles. As yours is not the norm (as can be seen by these posts) then best for you to say to any future parents could you give me a quick call if they decide to head out

MajorCarolDanvers · 16/02/2023 09:48

It's quite normal for 10 yr olds to go out to play.

If that's not something you allow then you should check things out with other parents in advance.

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 16/02/2023 09:50

In fairness to the mum, it absolutely wouldn’t have entered my head that at 10 a child might not be allowed to play out.

Had your son been 8, I’d have asked.

You aren’t unreasonable that you wouldn’t allow it but he was in the care of her. It sounds like he was fine and probably ok to do it in future. She isn’t unreasonable that she allows her son more independence.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/02/2023 09:57

It's traffic that would bother me. In a group of excited friends at age 10, some will be careful, some will be reckless... It really depends on how busy the area and if you think the friends they are with are level-headed.
18 months to secondary school is a long development time.
I think to feel safer you need to start small trips supervised and then unsupervised.
You can then get an idea of how good they are at the crossing and help them with any gaps. Cycling together is a really good way to develop their road sense. We did the secondary route in the holidays and it stood them in good stead, we were both more confident about it.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 16/02/2023 09:58

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 16/02/2023 09:50

In fairness to the mum, it absolutely wouldn’t have entered my head that at 10 a child might not be allowed to play out.

Had your son been 8, I’d have asked.

You aren’t unreasonable that you wouldn’t allow it but he was in the care of her. It sounds like he was fine and probably ok to do it in future. She isn’t unreasonable that she allows her son more independence.

I agree with this.

I wouldn’t have assumed someone was so overprotective

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 16/02/2023 09:59

HereForTeaAndCake · 16/02/2023 01:50

Lots of reasons - mostly because we were following his lead due to his anxiety.

To suggest he's being babied is a bit harsh, no? Perhaps playdate isn't the right term to use - he was invited over to theirs. Better?
Times he's been over to other friends, they've never wandered unsupervised.

I’d bet my bottom dollar the reason he’s anxious is because YOUR anxiety is rubbing off on him

billy1966 · 16/02/2023 09:59

So if you had turned up early for your child the other mother wouldn't have any idea where he was as they could be anywhere and uncontactable?

She had invited your child to hers and had taken on his care by doing so.

But allowed them to head out with no idea where they would be with no method of contact?

No, I would not be impressed but now you know that she is one of those parents that an invitation to her house does not mean she will know where they are.

Age 10 is young for this.
Fine if they headed to a closeby park and she knew they would stay there, but wandering around 15 minutes away with no idea exactly where, wouldn't fill me with confidence on her judgement.

Other parents have differing standards of care so you need to factor that in.

After this ask specific questions as to will they be off wandering or staying close to home.

Barbie222 · 16/02/2023 10:00

I wouldn't have been happy with this at 10, but I think I'm in the minority here. I'd have kept the kids at my place or made sure I knew exactly where they are.

Barbie222 · 16/02/2023 10:01

I think 12,13 after a stint at secondary, this would be fine though.