Should I have been informed?

[HereForTeaAndCake]

DS10 was invited to a friend's house for the day but it turns out the children spent most of their time wandering the street unsupervised, calling on friends etc. I was not consulted and DS has no phone and has only recently been ready for playdates without me. I only learned of how little time he spent at said friend's house when he was picked up. AIBU to think that I should have been given the choice?

My DD has friends over and she goes to theirs they often go out locally. I don't expect to be told nor do I tell other parents if they've gone out from here

other Mum may have had a phone/tracker set up and would be able to see where kids had gone.

kids may have been out for a short while or no time at all. They may have been close to the house or far away.

As the Queen said, recollections may vary.

YANBU OP

If my child had been invited to a friends house for a party at 10 years old, my expectation would be it's in the house and not roaming the streets. Not necessarily supervised but certainly adults present in the house.

The parents of the party child should have absolutely made it clear what the so called party involved and then it's up to those parents to decide if their child can go. I would never invite my children's friends round and let them roam the streets. Go forbid something happened and you are held accountable.

Yeah because that’s how ALL kids operate 🙄

Are they 10?

I personally wouldn’t have checked with the parent but perhaps it’s normal for her own child and didn’t think

Very good point.

I am also a bit bemused about these halcyon days of freedom - I am in my forties and grew up in suburbs of a city. I was allowed to play in front of my house/a friend’s house from about 9/10, walk to school/ brownies in year 6 and go to city centre and to school on bus from year 7. But definitely no running around woods/water/building sites all day long!

But I have not become some anxious, stunted mess of an adult. Late teens/early 20s I got on a plane for first time with friends for a holiday/ trains to university and to visit mates at different towns/Eurostar to Paris on my own/night buses after work on other side of town/interailing all over Europe.

I don’t think parenting trends should be followed simply because that’s what used to happen, plenty of stuff used to happen doesn’t make it favourable. Incidentally although I’d expect to be asked if my 10 year old was allowed out (I like to have a rough idea of where my kids are 🤭) I wouldn’t necessarily say no, I’d be ok with the scenario in the OP apart from the not checking bit.

i wasnt allowed to wander 15 minutes away when i was 10 this was in the 80s

if i was invitged over to someones house my parents expected them to be there and supervisiing

My kids are older now but I have brought up two, and at age ten, I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t check with the other parent first before allowing this. They’d go for play dates without their own parents etc, but the play dates took place within the home and garden. There’s no way I or anyone I know would have let them out to wander around at that age. Whether YABU or YANBU is impossible to say though as children playing out and the age at which they do so, obviously varies so hugely across place and I suppose social group.

I don’t really agree with the “it teaches them independence/resilience” crew though. It might work that way for a few but I mostly remember vicious bullying from older children to the point of peering round corners to make sure we didn’t bump into them unprepared, and/or exposure to situations that I simply wasn’t equipped to cope with at that age. We got ourselves into situations where we were lucky to make it out uninjured even alive.

Imagine if something happened to them and you hadn’t even told the other parent they were out, it’s basic stuff to let them know where their kid is.

With all due respect, he'll be starting secondary school either this year or next.

I can see why it might be a shock to you to discover that he's gone from supervised "mummy comes too" playdates to "out on the street knocking for mates" in a very short space of time. But I think you need to be encouraging more independence.

I would have done exactly this.

For people saying I've been mollycoddling and not letting him go around to people's houses on his own - it was as our circumstances dictated and as I said following my child's lead. He still did lots of independent activities with friends and without me.

Did he enjoy the visit?

What this thread shows is that there's an enormous range of what is considered normal by different parents.

Everyone should be aware of that and if letting children go to another parents without supervision then the child needs to know what they are allowed to do.

I still don't understand why your son simply say I'm not allowed when it was suggested

You're right they don't but to assume I'm projecting anxieties is rude and really lacking in awareness.

People on this thread only have your comments to base their opinions on. It does come across to me that you are highly anxious and that every minor decision requires discussion and explanation. It’s sounds a very stressful way to live and may encourage your children to believe they should fear the world around them as opposed to enjoying exploring their environment in a safe way. That’s just the impression I have from reading your posts. I find it really odd that you won’t answer anyone’s question as to whether or not your son enjoyed this experience or not.

@HereForTeaAndCake did your son enjoy the visit?

My 10 yo DD (and her friends) would be utterly mortified if I went to the park with them.

Just goes to show how very different areas and attitudes are when it comes to playing out.

Depends on the kid, my now almost 13 has always been switched on and sensible. She has been allowed to play out on scooters and knock for friends etc since around age 8. My now 8 year old is nowhere near as sensible as his sister and I would barely trust him to walk to the end of the garden as he's a dope.

I have a feeling his feelings of anxiety don't stem from him...

I think that keeping your son sheltered to this extent is likely to be a major contributor to his anxiety.
Clearly it's not a dangerous area otherwise other children wouldn't be allowed out either.
You should be encouraging him to become more independent, starting with small steps, to build up his confidence. Agreeing with him that he needs to be supervised at age 10 won't be helping him, although you feel better knowing he's safe. The risk is that at some point you will have to let him go and at that point he won't have had the chance to build up the skills he needs. That will exacerbate his anxiety and risk his safety.

I would be interested to hear whereabouts in the country these different responses are from. Where I live in the SE, large town near the centre of town, none of DS's friends are allowed to just wander. They are allowed to the park, or the shop maybe, or walk home from school, but not to just wander the streets. (Someone got stabbed in town this week, which hasn't helped).
They are year 6.

Yanbu. I think 10 is too young to be wandering the streets in an unfamiliar area. It’s irresponsible of the friends parents to allow this without your permission.